Well, despite my stupid (desperate) fanciful ideas that slight spotting on CD23, 24 & 25 just might have been implantation bleeding (as .... I got my period with a vengeance yesterday. CD28 so nothing unusual there but why the hell does mother nature have to torture us like this ??
It's hard to be absolutely certain because I never used to obsess, but I'm pretty sure I never used to get this inconvient, raising-hopes type "bits & bobs" of blood prior to coming on before ...... it always used to strike me that I'd go to the loo around the expected time, and there it'd be. Similarly, I never noticed sore boobs previously, but, this time, it's actually been hurting me to lay on my front.
It's hard to explain (but I'm hoping this is the place to do so without causing offence or sounding mad) but I feel so angry right now, more than ever before. This weekend is a year since we decided to try so I suppose that "milestone" has something to do with how upset I am. I feel furious with my body (and am similarly feeling old, useless, unattractive and stupid), and the world in general and very very maudling. I have burst into tears countless times the last couple of days, all sorts of things have set me off and have had no end of sniping and bickering with DP which is probably all my fault for being so sensitive. All of a sudden (last few days) I have been feeling extraordinarily insecure, fragile and panicky.
I am raging at "fate" right now ........ I very much doubt any of us have waited all this time due to arrogance in believing we'd have no problem at our age. I expect we are all here, right now, because we never got the opportunity, for a whole host of reasons, to plan our babies when we were younger (and were too decent to "accidentally" fall pregnant. Though shamefully, now, I wish I had). I feel so jealous and resentful of women who've had that choice and whose lives have gone according to plan ( and yes, I know that makes me sound like a bitter harpie ..... especially as I have 2 children, and am therefore infinitely better off than the poor women who have none ...... but then again, a nasty, petulant little voice inside of me keeps protesting at all the women I personally know (never mind on Mumsnet) who have 3 children or more ..... like, "they did it, why can't I?").
I've been pregnant twice in the last year and lost them both. I "should" either have had a newborn right about now, or alternatively, I "should" now be looking forward to an arrival in about 7-8 weeks time.
I feel so empty, and this is so bloody bloody hard. Please everyone, forgive me for being so "down" - but I need to get it out and I can't talk to anyone about this. I don't expect any replies, but am hoping that at least 1 or 2 of you might be able to understand how I feel and reassure me I'm not going mad (though I wouldn't wish this on anyone else of course).