First IVF cycle – struggling with the emotional toll and reality of it all

[Hopefulandscared]

I’ve never posted on one of these before, so I’m not really sure where to start.

My partner and I (same-sex couple, both 32) are currently going through IVF, and I’m now on day 3 post egg retrieval.

It’s taken us around two years to get to this point due to various health concerns, including thyroid and blood issues and a panic disorder. In September, we were finally cleared to begin treatment with ABC IVF, who have been absolutely wonderful and supportive throughout the whole process.

Our pre-treatment scans and tests all came back really positively. We started egg stimulation at the end of September and, perhaps surprisingly, I found the whole thing relatively easy. I actually felt better in myself than I have done in a long time. I responded very well to the medication, a little too well, as my hormone levels became extremely high and I was at risk of developing OHSS. Because of this, we were advised to do a freeze-all and then look towards a frozen transfer once my natural cycle had resumed.
Throughout the monitoring scans, we were told that everything was developing really nicely and that there were lots of follicles/eggs. At egg collection, 15 were retrieved.

I know that 15 eggs is a positive outcome, and I feel very lucky to have had that number collected. But I have to admit that I felt a bit disheartened afterwards, partly because I’d seen so many numbers shared on social media and had somehow convinced myself that I should be getting more. I think I’d built up this idea that because I’m 32 and have always been told I’m fertile, IVF would probably be relatively straightforward for us.

Of the 15 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature and 7 fertilised. Again, I know that having 7 fertilised eggs is absolutely something to be grateful for, but I still couldn’t help feeling like I’d somehow failed when I heard the number. We hadn’t really been prepared for such a drop-off between retrieval and fertilisation, and I think that was a bit of a shock.

I also want to acknowledge that I know we are incredibly fortunate in many ways. We’re still only on our first cycle, I’m young, we’ve had a good response to treatment, and we have a huge amount of support from friends and family. I’m very conscious that I don’t want to compare our experience to anyone who has been dealing with infertility for years, or who has faced repeated losses or failed cycles. I know that our journey is different, and I don’t want this post to come across as me suggesting otherwise.

But despite knowing all of that, I’m finding the emotional side of IVF much harder than I expected.

My friends and family have been amazing, but there’s still a little bit of loneliness in experiencing something that they can’t completely understand. I think it’s the feeling of desperately wanting something and knowing that, ultimately, there is so little you can actually control.
I don’t really know anyone personally who has been through IVF, particularly as a same-sex couple, so I’m hoping to hear from others who might understand some of these feelings.

I’m currently sat waiting for our day 3 update and struggling with the anxiety about what might come next. Up until egg collection, I think I was naïve enough to believe that because of my age and fertility, this would be a relatively straightforward process and that we would probably have a baby at the end of it.

The reality has really hit me now. I’m trying to stay hopeful, but I’m finding it surprisingly difficult not to be pessimistic and worry about every next stage.

I’d really love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar — particularly anyone who had a good number of eggs retrieved but then experienced a drop-off in numbers, or anyone who felt unexpectedly anxious despite having a relatively positive start.

I know we’re incredibly lucky to have got this far, and I’m genuinely grateful for that. I think I’m just looking for a little reassurance, some shared experiences, and people who understand how emotionally consuming this process can be. ❤️

Hi Op, while your collection numbers and drop off are within normal ranges it’s also completely normal and acceptable to be feeling how you are! When I started off with IVF I really didn’t understand the statistics around expected collection rates and drop-off rates throughout. After my first fertilisation call I literally fell to my knees because I was so shocked at how much they had dropped off. I was playing with smaller numbers than you are but was a similar age at the time (31).

I’m now 36, I have been through 5 attempted collection rounds and 3 FETs. I have one amazing toddler from this and I’m about to go for another FET now with one of our few remaining embryos. So from someone who’s much further down the road, please be kind to yourself, just because your numbers are better than someone else’s doesn’t mean that it’s not difficult for you. You don’t have to feel grateful for something that is really hard! None of this is easy, but in my experience some things do get a little easier as your understanding and expectations adjust, but this takes time.

Good luck on your journey.

I was also at risk of OHSS and had to have all embryos frozen. I had 13 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature and 8 fertilised. By the time we got to day 5, only 4 were good enough to be frozen. I got this new on my birthday and was devastated due to the drop from 13 just days previously.

I got pregnant on my first FET and am currently cuddling my 5 month old while she sleeps in my arms.

I look back at all the worry, panic and tears and regret not enjoying the experience more. Good luck over the next few days and be kind to yourself x

Thank you so much for your replies @Zypig @MummyToBabyO hearing from people who’ve been at this stage before has helped me pick myself up this afternoon ❤️

IVF can be hard, scary and stressful but also magical. Remember that it only takes one and that a bigger number at retrieval doesn’t necessarily reflect quality. Good luck.

I won't say that I understand you. I went through 6 rounds of IVF in a heterosexual relationship, so not quite the same. I just want to offer you some perspective without coming across as patronising and I do apologise in advance: 6 rounds, 3 eggs collected, 2 fertilised, 1 DD.
I was late 30s, but still. Pamper yourself, take as much time as tou need, ask for support of you need it. It is taxing both physically and mentally. Prepare yourself for the next stage. I wish you and your partner all the best!

Just had our day 5 update. We have 1 grade 5AB embryo, and we’re waiting for a phone call later this afternoon about another that is showing potential to become a blastocyst.

I feel absolutely crippled by the results, if I’m honest. Everyone keeps saying “you could have ended up with none”, and I know that’s true. I really am incredibly grateful that we have one. But I can’t seem to shake this feeling of having so much to worry about now.
One embryo. One shot at it working. It suddenly feels like there’s so much pressure placed on that one little embryo.

If we get some positive news about the second one this afternoon, I think I’ll be able to pick myself up and dust myself off a bit. But right now I feel like this whole process has completely drained me, and I have absolutely nothing left other than negativity.

I think part of what I’m struggling with is that, deep down, I genuinely thought this would be a given. That we’d do IVF, we’d get our baby at the end of it, and we’d have some frozen embryos left over for a sibling in the future. I feel very silly for thinking that way, and guilty that I was so naive and ignorant about how difficult this could actually be.

I know one embryo is all it takes, and I’m trying so hard to hold onto that. But I’m finding it really difficult to be positive at the moment.

So, if the second embryo isn’t viable, what would you do in this situation?

Would you go straight into another round of egg collection, banking some embryos before transferring? Or would you transfer the one we have, and if it doesn’t work, start the whole process again?

No matter the reasons for ivf, it is still very stressful and every stage is filled with anxiety and dread. We had one round of ivf and we only got six eggs at retrieval. At day 3 we were down to three embryos. On the day of transfer, we were down to two, one a better grade than the other. As I was 35, they agreed to put both embryos in. One of those embryos is now a wonderful thirteen year old!! Don’t lose hope. Wishing you lots of luck.

Personally, I went with what I had. As per my previous reply: 3 eggs, 2 fertilised, 1 DD.
Discuss it with the IVF centre, to make sure your endometrium is ready and give it a shot. It may very well "take"! Whatever you and your partner decide, keep positive!

In answer to your question, personally I would definitely transfer the best embryo and then see if it sticks. If not, you can have a breather for a month or two then start again.

Yes, I agree! You'll need some time to recuperate and then you can try again. Be kind to yourself!

Hey,

I went through a very similar experience. Same sex couple, was with abc ivf, had huge delays for polycystic ovaries, underactive thyroid, polyp, ambiguous rubella blood result...I failed every test 🤣

We also sailed through the injections and were really positive. The drop off rate in numbers is always horrible but quite typical. We ended up with 5 embryos first one didn't take. (We were so sure it would, my wife planned our proposal... Was very sad to hold the joy of being engaged alongside the grief of a negative test). The next best embryo didn't survive the thawing process. The third didn't take and neither did the 4th.

By that time the law had changed to give same sex couples access to IVF in the NHS and I was able to bypass our areas guidance to try iui before IVF as my hospital could prove that with my medical picture we would need more help than iui would give.

We used guys hospital in London and had our beautiful son. I'm just starting meds today for a frozen embryo using my wife's embryo.

With your current update about having 1 good embryo and maybe another. Take a minute and think about what you want to do next...I always step onto the IVF treadmill and just throw myself into a run trying to get to the finish line but you need to give yourself a chance to weigh up your options. My second and third transfers were around October/ November and I can remember a couple of things that made those experiences harder was... The clinics Christmas opening dates (before deciding to go again, just check if that is an option in the imminent future or whether you'd have to work around Christmas visits). Being away myself over Christmas... Will you have time and space for the medications required if you go another round? If you have a transfer now and it doesn't work, will you be in a dodgy headspace for Christmas... It can be an emotive time at the best of times.

Other considerations... Would you rather feel like you've got more embryos in the bank so you feel like you're done with this stage once you've got them all banked?

Optimistic consideration... It only takes one and you never know which one that might be.

Happy to chat if it's helpful.
X

I just want to thank you all for your replies, having people who have been in similar situations and who have are able to share their experiences and advice is so valuable.

The past 36 hours have been an emotional rollercoaster. We got a phone call yesterday afternoon to tell us our 2nd potential blast didn’t make it, at the same time they said their were 2 others showing some promise and they’d check them again day 6. We then received a phone call this morning to say they also hadn’t made it either. The up and down emotions have been tough.

I brushed myself off this afternoon and set about sending emails with a load of Qs for our donor bank and fertility clinic and spent hours making pros and cons lists for both options.

Transfer our 1 embryo (5AB) now:
Pros

• Could have a baby sooner
• If it works we can share the experience with our grandparents (after just loosing my grandad 3 months ago this is incredibly important to me and my partner)
• No more injections/stimulation hormones and risk of OHSS
• No additional cost of another collection
• If transfer works, we may not need to do another collection (our ideal family has always been made up of 1 bio child and 1 adopted child)
• If it doesn't work, we can go back into another egg stim round in the new year
• Emotionally we just want to have a baby asap, especially after the long lead up to this point.

Cons

• We only have one embryo available
• If it works, another egg collection would not be allowed to commence for at least 21-27 months if we had a C-section (this is 9months pregnancy and 12-18 months we’ve told my body would need to recover after a section)
• We might change our minds about only wanting 1 bio child and want another in the future
• We would be older if we decided to do another collection in the future (34-35), which obviously impacts chances
• If the transfer doesn't work, we would have to go through another collection anyway
• What if we can’t adopt (I can’t see why not now, but you can never be certain) in which case we would definitely want another bio child.

Do another egg collection first:
Pros

• Age is in our favour to potentially bank more embryos
• Potentially gives us more embryos for future children or tries
• Clinic would take our case to a board meeting before going into egg collection again to discuss whether changes in protocol are needed - potential hormone/medical change which would switch us from a mild form of IVF to a more intense IVF round which would come at a significant cost. They also mentioned a potential change to an ICSI procedure for fertilisation (we can do this with the mild form of IVF but it does come at an additional cost). Alternatively they may decide not to change anything for this next round as it could have just been a bad batch

Cons

• Delays trying for a baby now
• Delays our grandparents meeting our baby
• More injections, medication, monitoring and another egg collection
• Another physical and emotional toll
• Another risk of OHSS
• Additional cost
• No guarantee that another collection will give us more embryos
• Cant start collection till January due to clinic closing through mid-end of December
• We could end up with embryos we don't need if we remain happy with one biological child (I hate the idea of wasting/destroying them when there’s others out there desperate for a child - I’ve always said I would be ok with donating eggs but I’my not sure about donating embryos)

I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong way to go about this but I would appreciate your opinions and suggestions ❤️

If you’re financially able to I’d recommend doing another egg collection but first spending about 3 months working on egg quality. Coq10 is great and take regular prenatals too.