Baby trapping my husband?

[meerkatmummy]

I’m 39, partner is 38. We’ve been together for 15y and have two beautiful boys (age 7 & 5). I’ve never felt “done”, but he only ever wanted two children so I had accepted we weren’t having anymore…. Until a few months ago.

He casually dropped into conversation hints about having a third child a few times, just throwaway comments here and there. however every time I question him he tells me he would have a football team if it made sense financially. Another child means childcare costs (we have no family support), a bigger car, activities/days out cost more. We aren’t rich, but we are also far from poor. We’re comfortable.

I can’t get the idea out of my head, but every time I mention it to him he just says the same thing. “It doesn’t make sense financially”. No amount of “we will manage, people with far less money than us do it. We just have to tighten up our belts a little and have less treats, We have plenty of love to give” will sway him.

Here’s the thing…. I’ve not been on contraception since I had my youngest (and he’s well aware of this). We don’t use protection; I know my body well enough to know when I’m ovulating so we just avoid dtd around that time. Would it be so bad if I “accidentally” got my dates wrong? I mean I know there’s no guarantee of actually getting pregnant, and even if I do it could take months, I’m also not getting any younger! I feel it’s now or never.

I would just tell him you think you’re ovulating and see if he wants to use a condom. Why lie? You know he won’t and will do it anyway.
I feel like if he sabotaged your pills you would be furious. I don’t feel like this is far off. A baby should be wanted by both parents.

How do you think that will work out for the unwanted child? Do you imagine their relationship with the parent that doesn’t want them, will be good?

Yes, it would be “that bad”

Do you really think baby trapping your husband is a good idea op? That's a vile thing to do and what does this say about your relationship if you cant be honest .
It seems like your husband is talking alot of sense. Hes expressed desired for more children but hes made it clear its not a good idea financially. Why would you force another child into the situation when its not comfortable right now

What sort of a bullshit relationship is it where you deliberately deceive your husband like that?.

I think he should have been smart enough to have the snip to protect again deliberate "accidents" but that doesn't mean you should exploit it.

If it does cause enough tension to break your marraige, how happy are you to be a single mum of 3?

Do you really think baby trapping your husband is a good idea op? That's a vile thing to do and what does this say about your relationship if you cant be honest .
It seems like your husband is talking alot of sense. Hes expressed desired for more children but hes made it clear its not a good idea financially. Why would you force another child into the situation when its not comfortable right now

Good grief yes that would be an awful thing to do. Imagine if the tables were turned he would get ripped to shreds. I think he’s being quite sensible regarding the financial situation. Maybe sit down and have a proper conversation about it but definitely don’t deceive him. I agree with pp a baby should be wanted by both parents.

That is the ultimate cruelty to bring a child into the world who isn't 100% wanted by both parents. Be an adult and have a proper conversation about whether having a 3rd is what you both want. if not, he needs to get the snip. Flip your post round - imagine a man writing what you wrote, and that he was going to sabotage a condom or his partner's pills.

If you have an understanding whereby you track your cycle and avoid sex when you are ovulating then this would be a significant breach of trust.

Equally, if he is having sex with you without a contraception then he can't be that bothered.

I would tell him that you think you are ovulating and see hat he says.

I wouldn't lie or withhold that information because I would feel horrendous about it.

That’s a really underhand and devious thing to do to someone.

Have you tried telling him that you’d really want another, and come up with a plan how to make it work financially and otherwise? He doesn’t seem totally against it, but that doesn’t mean that you should deceive him. If it is that important to you, have an honest conversation.

It would be absolutely unhinged to do that. Genuinely insane behaviour.

What if you do become pregnant and he says this wasn't planned, I don't want another child and then you are faced with either terminating the pregnancy or going ahead and either way you are risking your relationship coming though this. He might divorce you.

My mate has an 8 year gap between him and his brother. They have nothing in common. As an early teen at 14 his brother was just an annoyance, by 18 he was off to uni and his brother was 10. Just because they are siblings does not mean they will get on.

Also as one of 3 children everything is geared towards 2 adults and 2 children.

Stay in the financially comfortable bracket.

OP, if I were your husband and you did this to me, I would leave and file for divorce. It's that serious.
Sometimes you have to accept that just because you "want" something, it doesn't mean that thing should happen. Your husband has a right to veto, and you know it.

It’s a vile thing to do. If he KNOWS you’re ovulating soon and chooses to DTD knowing the risk of pregnancy anyway then any “accidents” are absolutely on him. But not knowing or being lied to or deceived in any kind of way (ESPECIALLY by the person you’ve made vows to) is in every way abhorrent. If a woman was on here after finding out her partner had removed a condom half way through the act then everyone would be telling her it was rape. This is no different.

Given how reckless he’s been not using anything until now there’s every chance he’d still CONSENT to doing it knowing you were ovulating anyway (consent being the operative word), so why lie?

Equally, if you pretend an “accident” has happened after banging on to him about wanting another you aren’t kidding anyone. He’ll have his suspicions and come to resent you and mistrust you anyway. So it depends if a third baby is worth ruining your family for I guess, which is ironic given you seem to think it would “complete” it when it could actually wreck it.

Imagine if a man wrote this about how he was going to just have sex with his wife without using anything even though he’s unsure, and that she’d probably come round to it in the end…..now think about your choices

That would be terrible thing to do. If the sexes were reversed, would you tell a man to
impregnate his wife without her knowledge?

I’m not even going to go into all the reasons why that is a genuinely vile thing to do to your husband and the potential child.

Have a word with yourself.

I would suggest if you want a child that badly that you would purposely screw your DH over... its time you left him so you can have YOUR 3rd baby, but not his.

You say that no amount of XYZ will stay him.. and he's absolutely correct to stick to his guns. He obviously likes the family life now, doesn't want to lower the living standards of the whole family (tightening the belt, less treats etc). That's all perfectly plausible.

An accidental pregnancy is very different to a deceitfully planned by 1 party pregnancy.

If this was the other way around it would be called sexual assault by some…. And quite rightly

Controversial opinion but I almost see this as a form of assault in the same way taking photos of someone while they sleep would be

Snap!

This post is rage bait surely. This cant be real?

No, of course don't lie to your husband - that's not a healthy marriage.

But you could say something like that you are finding sole responsibility for timing to be a lot of pressure, especially as he's the one who doesn't want to conceive. So from now on you are going to stop tracking your cycle and being responsible for remembering which cycle day it is. There is therefore a possibility of getting pregnant. If he doesn't want this, he can get the snip, use condoms, or be the one responsible for remembering which date was the first day of your period and counting the days each month.

Yes it would be bad. Tell him the responsibility for manging contraception/fertility risk is on him and then it's up to him what he does with that information. You are both knowingly taking risks now so if a GENUINE accident occurred then I'd say fair enough. But you are suggesting something quite different.

Tricking him deliberately is out of order. I know a couple of women who did that and I did judge. They both seemed so proud of themselves that that had got their own way by stealth. I posted about one of them on here (she was a friend but it really changed my opinion of her character) and I got lambasted by a couple of posters saying she'd done nothing wrong, good for her, served the stupid man right etc. So you might find some people actually agree with you.