Baby trapping my husband?

[meerkatmummy]

I’m 39, partner is 38. We’ve been together for 15y and have two beautiful boys (age 7 & 5). I’ve never felt “done”, but he only ever wanted two children so I had accepted we weren’t having anymore…. Until a few months ago.

He casually dropped into conversation hints about having a third child a few times, just throwaway comments here and there. however every time I question him he tells me he would have a football team if it made sense financially. Another child means childcare costs (we have no family support), a bigger car, activities/days out cost more. We aren’t rich, but we are also far from poor. We’re comfortable.

I can’t get the idea out of my head, but every time I mention it to him he just says the same thing. “It doesn’t make sense financially”. No amount of “we will manage, people with far less money than us do it. We just have to tighten up our belts a little and have less treats, We have plenty of love to give” will sway him.

Here’s the thing…. I’ve not been on contraception since I had my youngest (and he’s well aware of this). We don’t use protection; I know my body well enough to know when I’m ovulating so we just avoid dtd around that time. Would it be so bad if I “accidentally” got my dates wrong? I mean I know there’s no guarantee of actually getting pregnant, and even if I do it could take months, I’m also not getting any younger! I feel it’s now or never.

would it not constitute some form of sexual violation / assault. In the same way as a man removing the condom is... he has not given consent to fertilise you - so it's sexual assault no?

Vile.

Yes of course it would be "that bad".

As a child free, happily long term married woman, yes, it would be that bad.
It tells about your character, I'm afraid.

If you really think this is ok then you absolutely shouldn’t be creating any more people

I understand the desire and almost desperation but you need to give your head a shake, OP. I suspect this isn’t really you speaking and is your broodiness making you irrational?

Come on op do you really need to ask. Of course it's 'that bad'.

I think you need to sit him down and say that you're really struggling since he last brought it up and that you are extremely aware of your biological clock and you need to have a serious conversation with him about it as this is your last opportunity to be parents again. And op if he's adamant it's a no then you need to accept that but I'd also be really clear with him that you don't feel done so if he's deciding it's a no he can't be saying "ah wouldn't it be nice if" type of comments because those are unfair and could unnecessarily get your hopes up when this is something you desperately want.

My 2 boys have 7 years between them but as adults they are very close. They live 150 miles apart but go to visit each other 4 times each year. Even as DC they spent time together and had things they liked in common.

I think if he's that certain he doesn't want another he needs to sort out contraception. One wonky cycle and you're up the duff anyway and as the owner of the semen and the one who doesn't want the kid it's his responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen.

However, I do not see the point at all in being married if you're going to do this sneakily. The point of marriage is being a team. If you want another kid and it's a dealbreaker you have to tell him that because if you trick him and he decides it's your fault or you've 'sexually assaulted' him (despite him presumably understanding biology and not sorting out the contraception himself) the relationship's fucked anyway.

This is exactly right .

This is awful. His concerns are valid. You are being incredibly selfish and not thinking about your existing children if you ruin your relationship.

Yet another thread where a married couple seem incapable of a conversation.

The man is willingly having unprotected sex with his wife so he deals with the consequences of that.

Why would you need a bigger car?

I cannot stand this shit. Shame on you

Unprotected sex with a wife who he trusts not to PURPOSELY get pregnant.

Not answering your question as such but I have a friend who's just had her third because she never felt "done" after the first two, I wouldn't say she regrets it but she still doesn't feel "done" I think if you generally enjoy the baby/toddler stage and having small children you won't ever feel done so you need to consider the bigger picture for your family rather than that longing for another baby because you might still feel like that after no 3.
Think of the impact on your other 2 children, especially with a fairly big age gap, it would likely land the older 2 against the younger one as they would feel the younger is always spoilt. You are then outnumbered as in with 2 a parent each can deal with a child. Do you have a spare bedroom or does it mean the older 2 will have to start sharing? Financially, think about family holidays, university etc. Also I assume you're at a stage where it's quite easy to entertain both boys together now, holidays, weekends etc? Think how difficult that would be with a 5 year (likely more as no gaurantee you'll fall pregnant straight away) age gap.
I think it's quite natural to long for another baby when you get to the stage of your youngest starting school but really you're longing for their baby/pre school days again, another baby isn't always the answer imo

Shame on you, hope he finds out and files for divorce.

Unprotected sex equals risk of pregnancy. Purposely.

Do you actively discuss having another child or is it him hinting sometimes and saying it would be too expensive other times. Can't you sit down and have a proper conversation about it, point out it's getting to be now or never and work out the finances properly. And make a mutual decision one way or the other bearing in mind it may never happen as you've been using no contraception and relying on you knowing when you ovulate (do you actually check properly for ovulation?) which is hardly safe.

I have absolutely no patience with anyone, man or woman, who doesn’t use contraception unless they actively want to have a baby with the person they are having sex with. So yes, it would be “that bad” OP. And what he’s doing is “that bad” too. Grow up, the pair of you.

All of the above. Plus you’re going to resent him constantly saying the baby was an accident / not planned knowing it wasn’t - on your part.

let’s reverse this - if your husband was constantly saying I want to buy a new car, you could just about afford it but it would put you in difficulty, you said no and he went and did it anyway - you’d feel disrespected and pissed off. Only a baby isn’t a car, and you can’t sell it when you realise it’s made life harder.

Your husband might not even be telling you all of his feelings of another child - finances probably aren’t the only thing on his mind. It’s the physical going backwards step to sleepless nights and someone constantly needing attention, being carried, having to take time off for toddler illnesses. It’s the burden on working out logistics, who sleeps in what room, having three car seats in the car. It’s the school run vs nursery all over again. Your DCs are 7+5 that’s a significant lifestyle change from baby toddler. It would be unfair for you to now change that reality for him.

Yes but the probability of risk factor plays a huge role here.
Probability of pregnancy when not having sex in the days around ovulation - low risk.
Probability of pregnancy having sex in the most fertile window - high risk.

He trusts his wife to not be a lying cunt on purpose. Obviously there is still a risk (one I wouldn't be comfortable with personally) but this is the same level of deceit and assault as if a man took a condom off in the middle of sex. The woman is taking what she sees as low risk by having sex using a condom, but the man purposely takes off the condom midway to serve his own agenda increasing the risk massively.

I agree with all of the above. But to add, when you do sit down and talk, if it’s a hard no from him then he has to stop flippantly mentioning another child. It is torture.

I wonder if he is processing the possibility of another child and head and heart are conflicted (I went through similar back and forth).

It would be a vile thing to do.

I'm glad you've posted this online because I think you probably already know the answer to this one.

Think this through. Your husband knows that you want another one. You've managed not to get pregnant for the past five years on no contraception and then poof suddenly you are mistakenly pregnant? C'mon. He'll know, or at least he will always suspect. And that has huge ramifications for everyone, not least your two current children.

Look, likely he'd get used to the idea and I'm sure he'd love the baby once it was born. But, there's a high risk of the following things:

• He'll always doubt you, and resent that his hand was forced on this. He'll treat you differently, and your children will pick up on that.
• He'll likely, to a certain extent anyway, resent the baby. He may not mean to, but he'll treat it differently than he would if it was a planned baby. Maybe he'll be stricter with it, and softer on the older two? It will completely change your family dynamic, and not in a good way.
• You'll likely overcompensate because this baby was only wanted by you. Your kids will think your youngest is your favourite, and that will hugely effect their self esteem.

Don't underestimate the financial effect. I had two hard pregnancies and decided to stop at two, my husband always wanted three but accepted my decision. I genuinely got mistakenly pregnant with my third and I had all those financial concerns, which my husband convinced me would be fine. Now, obviously I love my third and wouldn't go back, but my husband was wrong about the financial issues. Having a third makes EVERYTHING more expensive, more than just going from one to two. The world is set up for a family of four.

And finally, do not underestimate the time effect. If you have one child, you usually get some time back to do your own thing when they are four or five. When you have two, that extra time disappears and it's not like some magic wand makes more time when you have a third. The people who have to sacrifice are your two current children, who will have to sacrifice time with you so that you can spend it with the third. That's a huge deal. Is this really the right choice for them?

And I don't mean to scare monger. But I gave birth at 40, and my youngest is autistic. Your chances of having a child with additional needs is much higher now. If that does happen, all the down sides get more acute - the finances, the time sacrifices, the resentment.

What you really need to do here is get some counselling, so that you can work through this desire to have a third. If you can't afford it, do not have the time to go, or don't see it as a priority, then that is an answer in and of itself.

Vile.

Poor guy. 😢