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Original poster

Is 40 too old for a first time dad?

51 replies

tabascoo · 07/10/2024 14:12

DP turned 40 last month, certainly doesn’t look or act it 😂

I’m 33, I have endometriosis and I had my AMH tested 2 years ago which was normal. Originally neither of us wanted children when we met 8 years ago. During lockdown 1 I had this awful broodiness, which is still present but much less intense.

i did get pregnant accidentally 2 years ago which sadly ended in miscarriage. I was hospitalised for a few days with an infection and it was awful. I wasn’t able to talk about it until this year when I started therapy. DP was shocked at the time but happy 🙁

We haven’t talked about really trying again since and I’m wondering if it’s too late?

My dad was an ‘older’ dad at 32/35 when me and my brother were born which was quite unusual amongst my friends at the time. My mum was early 20’s. His parents were both in their 20s when he and his siblings were babies. I have a big family as my mum is the youngest of 5, but none of my cousins have children (they’re all older than me!)

Sorry a lot of waffle. We earn a decentish wage between us (90k before tax combined). We rent a lovely house in a small town we both love. We have a wonderful 2yr old rescue dog, we’ve had her since she was 4 months old. We’re planning to buy a house next year, just waiting a little longer to maximise our LISA bonuses. We have savings separate to our house deposit. Financially everything looks good.

We have a very comfortable life. I just can’t help this niggling feeling that he might regret having a teenager in his 50s. We live about an hour from family so it would just be us two.

OP posts:
Alicana · 07/10/2024 14:16

40 was about the average age of the mother in my NCT class. If he feels he’s unfit and doesn’t want to run around after a child, then I think you’ll have to chat with him about it as we can’t really speak for your husband!

Swanbeauty · 07/10/2024 14:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Ozanj · 07/10/2024 14:16

Is this serious? Of course it’s not too old and to even suggest that in the Conception thread where there at women older than your dh ttc is offensive imo.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 07/10/2024 14:16

DH was 42 when we had our son. DS is 10 now and no regrets or issues. He's not even the oldest dad in DS's class!

bluebunny1 · 07/10/2024 14:20

No, not too old at all. In my daughter’s class (she is 5), there are plenty of dads in their 50s, even early 60s.

Swanbeauty · 07/10/2024 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Original poster
tabascoo · 07/10/2024 14:23

Ozanj · 07/10/2024 14:16

Is this serious? Of course it’s not too old and to even suggest that in the Conception thread where there at women older than your dh ttc is offensive imo.

Yes a serious post. Probably should have posted somewhere different for opinions.

I come from an area where everyone I knew had children very young! My dad always complained about being too old in his 40s and tbh it’s a very difficult mindset to shake when you’ve grown up around it.

I know really he isn’t too old, it’s much more socially acceptable have children at any age these days but I just can’t shake this anxiety.

OP posts:
Swanbeauty · 07/10/2024 14:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

tarheelbaby · 07/10/2024 14:26

I was 35 and DH was nearly 41 when DD1 was born and and we went on to have DD2 a few years later.

People have children when the time is right.

We have some friends whose DD was born when he was 50 and he did say he only wanted one. Coincidentally, it was a tough pregnancy and she was not able to have any more.

Original poster
tabascoo · 07/10/2024 14:27

Thank you everyone!

Feels a bit silly since I’ve written it down. He is very active and takes the dog up mountains most weekend. It’s probably me that will struggle running after a kid because I have stage 3-4 endometriosis 😂

I’m CD12 and we’ve been having unprotected sex so there’s a possibility!

OP posts:
StevieNic · 07/10/2024 14:29

Not at all. My partner was 41. He has said he doesn’t want another but that’s more to do with his health (bad knees and kidney disease) than being 43.

NeverTooEarlyForChocolate · 07/10/2024 14:30

40s is normal for a man to become a dad these days, isn’t it? I’m in my 40s and know lots of men that became dads for the first time in their 40s.

bakewellbride · 07/10/2024 14:31

I know a man who has a toddler and 4 year old and he's 55. 55! Same age as my mother in law. Too old for various reasons imo but then it just goes to show for others it works.

I'm nearly 35 and feel too old for any more kids but im female so on a different timeline and it's just my personal preference.

user2848502016 · 07/10/2024 14:31

40 is nothing these days.
I think while older parents might lack energy, they make up for it in other ways like having life experience, more stable financially etc.

Coincidentally both my grandads were 40 when my parents were born and both lived to 90+ so you never know what the future holds

Peonies12 · 07/10/2024 14:35

Most of the first time dads I know were 35-40, I think it’s very normal. Obviously it’s your partners decision how he feels about it -doesn’t matter what others think

Original poster
tabascoo · 07/10/2024 14:38

NeverTooEarlyForChocolate · 07/10/2024 14:30

40s is normal for a man to become a dad these days, isn’t it? I’m in my 40s and know lots of men that became dads for the first time in their 40s.

Nearly all our friends are child free. We have two close friends with a toddler in their 30s and that’s it. Everyone seems to just get a dog instead.

OP posts:
ChocolateLemsip · 07/10/2024 14:40

Alicana · 07/10/2024 14:16

40 was about the average age of the mother in my NCT class. If he feels he’s unfit and doesn’t want to run around after a child, then I think you’ll have to chat with him about it as we can’t really speak for your husband!

The average age for the mother? That seems pretty high for an average. Of course NCT is often skewed to middle class couples and middle class women have kids later in general. I'm still surprised though!

OP it's about how will it be for him when he is older, not so much right now. But it's hardly unusual for mothers or fathers.

DannSindWirHelden · 07/10/2024 14:45

A colleague of mine had his first two children when he was in his early fifties. I thought that was mad tbh, but 40 seems fine. Older than I'd ideally pick but basically fine.

Original poster
tabascoo · 07/10/2024 14:45

user2848502016 · 07/10/2024 14:31

40 is nothing these days.
I think while older parents might lack energy, they make up for it in other ways like having life experience, more stable financially etc.

Coincidentally both my grandads were 40 when my parents were born and both lived to 90+ so you never know what the future holds

My gran was 40 when she had my mum. She’s always been an old lady at heart, started getting blue rinses in her 40’s and always seemed much older than my mums friends parents growing up. When I was a child I genuinely thought all people over 60 were like my gran, how wrong I was!

My grandads died before I was born but my mums dad was close to 60 when she was born. I think my mum having older parents that acted much older has given me some unnecessary worry. We’re very active and do big walks, kayaking etc regularly, lots of outdoorsy hobbies.

OP posts:
HotSource · 07/10/2024 14:56

DH and I were both over 40… we had no issues with parenting at any of the stages, still have loads of energy and interest in new things, nothing to hold you back at all, IMO / IME.

ringmybe11 · 07/10/2024 15:18

DH was 46 when DS was born. We feel too old to have another now but having DS (I was 39) was absolutely the right thing to do and the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Meadowfinch · 07/10/2024 15:22

It isn't about age.

Is your dh prepared to spend hours teaching your child to swim, to ride a bike? Will he go to fireworks parties and children's soft play?

I had ds at 45 but he has never thought me too old. I join in the three legged race at school sports and always willing to cycle or swim.

It's energy & attitude that counts.

Scottishskifun · 07/10/2024 15:29

Irs attitude rather then age. You get some 20 something dad's who step up and other 40 something dad's who do the same. As long as he's not expecting you to do everything then that's the main thing and your both clear on joint responsibility and therefore care giving as much as possible!

TemuSpecialBuy · 07/10/2024 15:38

I’m 40 with 2 under 3 DH is quite a bit younger

you just can’t know what it’s like until you have a child

Anecdotally…Amongst our friends generally the dads are split into 2 groups

the early 30s mid30s dads adjusted okay / better.
The over 40s “struggle” / aren’t great.
I think they are set in their ways / didn’t want anything to change… and everything changes!!!
like one insists on going for brunch alone every Sunday “too get away from the noise” while the mum does mornings with the toddler 😵‍💫🥴
2 have openly told my DH they regret their children and wish they could “go back”. All families are firmly in 1 & done.
There is one younger guy who is like this but he was always a tit and the only person surprised about how lame he is seems to be his DW…

with the older dads a lot more pressure and heavy lifting is on the wife which is tolerable if you aren’t the high earner/ only have one child/ have the right kind of disposition for that.
it wouldnt be for me but personally…

FlipFlopVibe · 07/10/2024 15:43

Not old at all. My DP was 41 for first baby and just about to turn 45 for second. I was 32 and 36. He has way more energy for the kids than I'll ever have!