Is 40 too old for a first time dad?

[tabascoo]

DP turned 40 last month, certainly doesn’t look or act it 😂

I’m 33, I have endometriosis and I had my AMH tested 2 years ago which was normal. Originally neither of us wanted children when we met 8 years ago. During lockdown 1 I had this awful broodiness, which is still present but much less intense.

i did get pregnant accidentally 2 years ago which sadly ended in miscarriage. I was hospitalised for a few days with an infection and it was awful. I wasn’t able to talk about it until this year when I started therapy. DP was shocked at the time but happy 🙁

We haven’t talked about really trying again since and I’m wondering if it’s too late?

My dad was an ‘older’ dad at 32/35 when me and my brother were born which was quite unusual amongst my friends at the time. My mum was early 20’s. His parents were both in their 20s when he and his siblings were babies. I have a big family as my mum is the youngest of 5, but none of my cousins have children (they’re all older than me!)

Sorry a lot of waffle. We earn a decentish wage between us (90k before tax combined). We rent a lovely house in a small town we both love. We have a wonderful 2yr old rescue dog, we’ve had her since she was 4 months old. We’re planning to buy a house next year, just waiting a little longer to maximise our LISA bonuses. We have savings separate to our house deposit. Financially everything looks good.

We have a very comfortable life. I just can’t help this niggling feeling that he might regret having a teenager in his 50s. We live about an hour from family so it would just be us two.

@TemuSpecialBuy your social circle is strange.

In mine the dads over 45 happily look after their children on their own. They take time off to do so while their children are small and are more likely to attend school events.

The dads under that age are still trying to increase their earnings so leave more to the children's mother.

Parent age is quite area dependant. Where I lived when I had my daughter (London) and where I live now (Surrey) parents on the older side are the norm. I can only think of one peer who had kids in her 20s. Mid to late 30s was probably average for the women. I've known men to have their first into their 50s but I would say mid-30s to mid-40s is probably average.

Yep, 38, 39, 40, 40, and 44 (so actually slightly higher than 40!)! North London and yes, a very middle class area.

That’s pretty much the opposite of the experience with my group of friends. Those over 40 were much more hands on, they had senior jobs which were very flexible and all took shared parental leave. In fact they probably did more than their wives. The most hands on Dad at nursery (all pick ups, looks after them solely for two days a week), is 55!

Don’t know what to tell you…I am also surprised
like I said it’s anecdotal…
Pre-baby arrival I’d have bet good money mr solo brunch in particular would be putting my DH to shame but he just seems to have checked out of family life

really interesting others don’t see this. DH and I hypothesised it’s because they have life how they like it and don’t like the change / don’t adjust well… seems this maybe isn’t the case…!

Both DH and I were over 40 when our only DS was born.

In our DS’s peer group we are about average age for parents. There is nobody who had a child when they were under 35. The majority of the dads were mid 40’s.

I agree the stats are likely to be very area dependent and quite heavily weighted towards property prices.

A quick search shows that 15% of UK babies are born to fathers 40 or older.

That may be true but they won’t be anywhere near evenly distributed.

If you live in an area with relatively high property prices there are likely be virtually no young parents locally.

It is the same with other aspects of life such as schooling. If you use private schools you will know way more parents in their 40’s. None are teens/early 20’s.

That's true.

There was only one lady in her 20s when I went to the nearest baby group.

Most of the mothers in their 30s completely ignored her. I'm older that that so I spoke to her.

Edited to say: She was also solely bottle feeding 😱 Said someone who mixed fed.

I had my first at 40 and my second at 42. We are not the oldest at the school gate.

Of course not!

My DH was 44 when we had our DD. Who is now 11 and he's 55.

He runs his own business, earns good money (as do I) is an amazing amazing dad.
We both take excellent care of ourselves, work out 4 times a week etc..:never ill.

I would wager we are healthier than many 20 or 30 year olds.

Many benefits to being a little older parent OP, don't let it bother you.

I really wouldn’t just take the word of people who say it’s not old at all etc. because they have found it ok. Every one is different, not just in how fit and healthy they are and how young they feel but in how they react to and cope with the realities of becoming a parent. I had mine at 33, dh was 35. We had a rocky start, now dd is in school and we have finally found our stride (for now, it’s all ups and downs) but we both feel like we’ve aged about two decades in the last 5 years. I’m going to be forty next year and it makes me feel like crying to think about having a baby at that age. I was so exhausted with a newborn at 33 and I was probably the fittest and healthiest I’ve ever been at that point. But of course, it’s different for women.
I think if you really, really want it and it works out, it’ll be fine and there are lots of advantages to being an older parent too, but you do have to really, really want it and try to be prepared for the fact that it might not be what you expect.

Nope, not too old, very average in this day and age actually.
We had ours at 37 and 41, you couldn't have offered me anything to have kids in our 20's

You were a younger parent than every single person in my close friendship group.

We were shocked when the first one had a child at 35.

One thing I think made things easier for me and the people I know is that there were no financial issues due in most cases to both parents having very good careers that had been developed over 20 years. Money isn’t everything but it helps take away one of the big stresses of child rearing.

The only thing we found harder as older parents was the sleep deprivation when our babies were young. I don’t care what anyone says but that is far tougher to deal with it in your 40’s than it is in your 20’s.

My dad was 40 when I was born. I’m his first child. It was always very normal to me. I never even felt like I had an older dad growing up.

I think having a newborn is exhausting at any age.

But you could say that about having kids at any age.

It’s hard that you and DH had a difficult time, but it really isn’t the typical experiences of 33 yos to struggle unless there are health, mental health, disabilities or serious livjng conditions as challenges.

Young teen parenthood turns out well for some, very much less well for others.
Any parents can have an ‘easy’ baby or a harder to care for baby.

Lots of more mature (40ish) mothers report coping absolutely fine (me) while younger mums shudder and say ‘I wouldn’t do that at 40) - but that’s because parenting has already used up their parenting energy and starting over at the beginning of course feels hugely daunting.

It is more likely (not guaranteed) that older parents can afford help. A cleaner, more childcare etc, if they need it.

I am sorry you had such a hard time but as you say, everyone is different so your ‘word’ is no more weighty than those 40 year olds who have found no additional issues due to age.

Yep. too old.
Energy levels decline dramatically over the 40s.

your experience is very unusual tbf. Most healthy 33 yo women have lots of energy.

In any case I’m not convinced OP is genuine.

Gosh how unhealthy are the British population?

In our middle class area the NCT class was full of 38-45 year old first time Mums (Dad's often older), and more than half were expecting twins.

There’s no guarantee that OP will have “the typical experience” (there really isn’t any such thing as a typical experience tbf) though, that was exactly my point.
They could have a baby with health problems or additional needs, she could have pnd, any number of things could make it harder.
I’m not saying my experience is very common, but it’s not uncommon to struggle at any age and those other struggles combined with being older is doubly hard and that’s something that should be considered.

No of course it's not too old. And you sound like you are in a reasonable financial position. Go for it!
Our first was born when my DH was 42 and our last when he was 52! (The last was a surprise baby not planned, he has had the snip now as we are thinking it's too old now for there to be any more surprises.)
But at 42 it was absolutely fine, we had plenty of energy. Naturally conceived, healthy pregnancy natural birth, healthy baby who is now a bright 10 yo.

And it is tiring having a baby at any age... I had my first at 27 and I actually found that harder (altho there was no physical reason to other than I did struggle with pnd at the time) than having my last at 37. My last has been the easiest in terms of how tired I am etc. Just the psychological and physical place I was at in my life. Was in a much more secure position in my late 30s than in my late 20s.