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Conception

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Original poster

Are we too old to try for a 3rd baby?

52 replies

Zarah786 · 14/03/2024 10:53

I am 36/37, husband is 40/41. We have two beautiful children, one of each, 8 and 3. I have enjoyed the age gap and don't mind them at all. My eldest is very hands-on and loves helping and I think it would do wonders for the second to have a younger sibling. I also feel very broody, like the mother in me wants another to feel complete.

My two were both born full term, healthy and happy children. My worry is now our age and my husband smokes (not a chain smoker but either way smoking is bad). He has always smoked on and off, tried e-cigs then resorts back, but he always smokes outside, out of sight but obviously could be affecting sperm quality. Is it too risky? Will I upset the beautiful life we have now by wanting to add another?

Just thoughts flying around in my head although I know chances are low but you never know. Anyone been in the same boat and went for a bigger family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zarah786 · 14/03/2024 14:07

@Gcsunnyside23 bless you thank you for responding.

@Whereland @Revealingall I think because I had my first at 27 I think I feel old now 😂. I am more concerned about my husbands age and that he smokes I have read that sperm quality reduces and have more mutations as men age. My dad smoked and had 5 healthy children from 32 to 39 of age.

I know the risks are low and now we are just made aware of them too often. Just wanted to hear about experiences of those being ‘older’ and having children and those who had children earlier and then grew their family.

OP posts:
Chipsweep · 14/03/2024 14:11

I don’t think the age is an issue at all. Lots of women are having their first at your age. But the smoking is problematic including for your existing children - even if he always does it outside it’s still on his clothes, skin etc. I’d really be pushing him to quit for good.

Revealingall · 14/03/2024 14:17

Well, my Dad smoked and so did my grandparents including the women throughout pregnancy (most people did in the 1940s) and we're all here and fine! Biggest age gap between oldest and youngest is 20 years, no probs, it had to work for years before birth control existed. My closest siblings, I have a ten year age gap with, again no problem. I'm not especially close to oldest brother but that's mainly because he's unkind and selfish rather than an age gap issue. My Mum would say I kept her young!

Fertility doesn't fall off a cliff at 35, that's a myth that's been debunked. There are more babies born to women in their 40s than 20s here in the UK these days. You are massively overthinking it. Just read It Starts With The Egg, take Pregnacare, get some OPK sticks and crack on - good luck!

steppemum · 14/03/2024 14:36

I had my youngest at 40.
To me 40 was a cut off point, and if we hadn't conceived I think we would have stopped trying.

My youngest is now 16 and yes I am running out of energy!

But can I just say, as far as I know there is no correlation between age of parents and autism or ADHD?

there is a higher risk of Downs, and higher risk of miscarriage. But for other birth defects I don't think there is an age correlation?

Original poster
Zarah786 · 14/03/2024 14:42

@steppemum

from what I have read online their seems to be a correlation, risks are slightly higher, although odds are still far more positive than negative.

OP posts:
Mummame222 · 14/03/2024 14:43

Overtheatlantic · 14/03/2024 10:57

Can you afford a third? Will you be able to provide for three children the same as you provide for two?

What? That’s not what OP was asking at all.

Revealingall · 14/03/2024 14:46

steppemum · 14/03/2024 14:36

I had my youngest at 40.
To me 40 was a cut off point, and if we hadn't conceived I think we would have stopped trying.

My youngest is now 16 and yes I am running out of energy!

But can I just say, as far as I know there is no correlation between age of parents and autism or ADHD?

there is a higher risk of Downs, and higher risk of miscarriage. But for other birth defects I don't think there is an age correlation?

There is a link with an ND and older fathers but I think those fathers were ND to begin with. NDs (Autism, ADHD) have a genetic link, it seems to come from a parent. Most of my ND male friends struggled to find a partner and weren't able to settle down until late 30s plus so at least anectdotally ND men tend to become fathers older. A NT person won't have a ND child just because of age. My ND friends kids are ND too, they would have been no matter what age they had kids.

steppemum · 14/03/2024 14:51

A NT person won't have a ND child just because of age.

that was what I understood. I know there is a genetic link.

Interesting thought that maybe ND fathers abecome fathers later. That certainly makes sense.

0rganisedchaos · 14/03/2024 15:01

I have a 14 year old didn't think I was too old for another but that the age gap would probably be too big. Anyway a night of too much rum put paid to that and me and DP now have a DD(5months). Was/am I 1000000 X more shattered than 14 years ago....yes. Am I now thinking I might not even be done after this little surprise...also yes. I'm 36 and got pregnant because I missed the pill I wouldn't worry too much about your fertility if you've had no issues before.

SeaAndCakes · 14/03/2024 15:08

Definitely not too old. I had mine older than your age (and my DP was older than yours too).

But how it will change the family dynamic is another question. Could be tough, could be amazing!

Original poster
Zarah786 · 14/03/2024 15:41

@SeaAndCakes did you find a change in your family dynamic?

Thank you for your response.

OP posts:
Selkiee · 14/03/2024 15:51

No, of course you aren't too old!

Others have answered previous questions so I'll just answer the most recent.

There's always a change in the family dynamic when a child is born whether it's the first or the fifth. How can there not be?!
There's a whole new human!

There's a 5 year age gap between your kids so far. The age gap between the youngest and a new child wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. It's a standard age gap. 8/9 year difference is a bit bigger but not unusual for families of more than two kids. They may love having a baby around and enjoy helping (I was DESPERATE for a baby sibling at that age, when they arrived I was 11 and it was a good experience). Or they may not love it that much but they will be old enough to have some hobbies, interests and a bit of independence to take themselves off from baby and preschooler for a bit.

None of it is as big a deal as you are making it. If you want a 3rd and you can afford it just do it.

Sweetheart7 · 14/03/2024 16:20

Whereland · 14/03/2024 12:44

I find it mental that someone aged 36 thinks they're too old to have a baby

Why it's all relative isn't it? I had my first at 24! I'm now 33 and sometimes I think if I met anybody else would I have time to have one more? Higher risk of things going wrong? Can't be arsed to start again and then a huge age gap!. I defo feel old now well regarding having more DC! 😅

TwigletsAndRadishes · 14/03/2024 16:23

No, not at all. I opened this thread expecting you to be 43-45. For what it's worth I think people should aim to be finished by 42 at the latest. If a PG post-42 happens, be it a joyful miracle or an accidental spanner in the works, then so be it, but to actively plan to have children much past 40 is madness.

PoppingTomorrow · 14/03/2024 16:26

Zarah786 · 14/03/2024 11:45

@Robinbuildsbears I tried making an appinemt but I don’t think fertility doctors can be seen at conception stage in the Uk. I talked to a nurse about it during a yearly checkup and she said ‘all you can do is try and see’ so not the best advice.

They can if you go privately.

We just had our first at 42/43. Non smokers, tried to make really good lifestyle choices in the run up to conception.

You're not too old but he should stop smoking and there is support available on the NHS for him to do so.

ludocris · 14/03/2024 16:29

TwigletsAndRadishes · 14/03/2024 16:23

No, not at all. I opened this thread expecting you to be 43-45. For what it's worth I think people should aim to be finished by 42 at the latest. If a PG post-42 happens, be it a joyful miracle or an accidental spanner in the works, then so be it, but to actively plan to have children much past 40 is madness.

Edited

🙄

Madness? Or just not for you maybe...

Minniem2020 · 14/03/2024 16:42

Not too old at all.
I had my 1st at 22, 2nd at 34 and 3rd at 38 ( partner is 5 years older).
I'm admittedly more tired running after a nearly 2 year old at 40 than I was at 24 but that's probably more due to the fact that this one likes to be up before 5 every day and is much more active than my 1st or 2nd were.

Flyhigher · 14/03/2024 17:08

Don't do it. A teenager at 52/3 is no fun.
You have two incredible children. Enjoy them. X

GR8GAL · 14/03/2024 17:10

At 34 and FINALLY just about to buy our first (and hopefully only) home, these responses give me hope! <3

gluenotsoup · 14/03/2024 17:13

I had my third at 40, dh 41. The pregnancy was more tiring but she’s a healthy, happy girl. It’s a genetic lottery no matter how old you are tbh. My middle dd has a very rare , non inherited genetic condition, was only 35 when I had her and when I asked if it was age I was told no, it’s not old enough to be the cause, only after 40 or so.

Selkiee · 14/03/2024 17:16

A teenager at 52/3 is no fun.

That's an opinion, not a fact. It can be great fun and it's totally normal to have teenagers in your 50s.

Mytholmroyd · 14/03/2024 17:35

Selkiee · 14/03/2024 17:16

A teenager at 52/3 is no fun.

That's an opinion, not a fact. It can be great fun and it's totally normal to have teenagers in your 50s.

I agree! I have had a huge amount of fun with my kids even when they were/still are teenagers and fortunately none of them have gone through an awful phase. It's not a given.

But I teach at a university so have worked with young adults for decades - maybe that helps

CurlewKate · 14/03/2024 18:28

@Flyhigher "Don't do it. A teenager at 52/3 is no fun."

Say more?

Ozanj · 14/03/2024 22:13

Zarah786 · 14/03/2024 11:47

@Ozanj would you mind sharing how old you and your other half were with the rest of your children? Was pregnancy/motherhood harder as age increases?

thanks in advance!

DS was my first so I have no other experience of motherhood. But DH has an older daughter (he had her when he was in his 20s). I had a pph because I had a condition that the consultant didn’t take seriously until it gave me silent preclampsia - but those are factors that affect younger women too.

I’m about to ttc for number 2 at 43 as I think 3 is a good number of kids but I’m not too bothered if it doesn’t happen.

Isitthathardtobekind · 14/03/2024 23:34

TwigletsAndRadishes · 14/03/2024 16:23

No, not at all. I opened this thread expecting you to be 43-45. For what it's worth I think people should aim to be finished by 42 at the latest. If a PG post-42 happens, be it a joyful miracle or an accidental spanner in the works, then so be it, but to actively plan to have children much past 40 is madness.

Edited

In your opinion. This is not fact.