Are we too old to try for a 3rd baby?

[Zarah786]

I am 36/37, husband is 40/41. We have two beautiful children, one of each, 8 and 3. I have enjoyed the age gap and don't mind them at all. My eldest is very hands-on and loves helping and I think it would do wonders for the second to have a younger sibling. I also feel very broody, like the mother in me wants another to feel complete.

My two were both born full term, healthy and happy children. My worry is now our age and my husband smokes (not a chain smoker but either way smoking is bad). He has always smoked on and off, tried e-cigs then resorts back, but he always smokes outside, out of sight but obviously could be affecting sperm quality. Is it too risky? Will I upset the beautiful life we have now by wanting to add another?

Just thoughts flying around in my head although I know chances are low but you never know. Anyone been in the same boat and went for a bigger family?

No you aren’t too old. People often have their first kids at your age (I had my first at 40!). But having kids earlier can often make you unfitter so it’s a good idea to focus on improving both of your fitness before ttc. Excercise, reduce alcohol, supplements, eat fertility boosting food, he must stop smoking.

Can you afford a third? Will you be able to provide for three children the same as you provide for two?

Absolutely not. Get going.

You aren't "old" at all!

I had two then a nine year gap and then two more in my 40s. We never regretted it - DH would have had even more! And I didn't find it any more difficult than the first two plus they were a lot easier as babies and children and the elder two were really helpful.

Our youngest will shortly be 18 and we have a wonderful family and have never felt 'old' as parents but we are all thankfully healthy and active.

So no, you are not too old at all!

@Overtheatlantic Yes we can afford a third. We have a large home, healthy income. The only thing we don’t have is help from family members as they all live far away and busy with their own lives anyways. My husband and I tag team as much as we can but as a mother I naturally and happily take on more.

@Mytholmroyd thank you for your response, how old are they now?

How old was your DH? I’m worried of birth defects, autism, adhd because of my husbands (and perhaps my) age…

I didn't start trying for my first until 37, had him at 38 and am pregnant with my second now, I'll have just turned 40 when he arrives.

37 isn't too old for trying! I'm 39 and haven't had any more tests or scans or anything this time round. It's not til you turn 40 at conception that they consider it a higher risk

@justanotherlaura how old is your husband if you don’t mind me asking?

My DH is 40/41 and a smoker…

Not too old, no. Maybe at the upper end of the spectrum age wise, so I wouldn't delay.

Here on Mumsnet, no one is ever too old to try for a baby. In real life, yes your husband's age will increase the risk of ASD and other conditions, and you're not too far behind with your age also increasing risks, both to your baby and yourself. 35+ used to be known as a geriatric pregnancy for a reason. But increased risk certainly doesn't guarantee anything, you're better off getting advice from fertility doctors if you're concerned than randos on the internet.

They will all be adults when the youngest is 18 next month. DH and I are the same age. I had a nuchal crest exam with the third and an amino with the fourth just to be forewarned if there was going to be any abnormalities but all my babies were healthy.

@Robinbuildsbears I tried making an appinemt but I don’t think fertility doctors can be seen at conception stage in the Uk. I talked to a nurse about it during a yearly checkup and she said ‘all you can do is try and see’ so not the best advice.

@Ozanj would you mind sharing how old you and your other half were with the rest of your children? Was pregnancy/motherhood harder as age increases?

thanks in advance!

Age isn’t just to do with conception it’s to do with the energy of bringing up a child and the being there for them. If that’s not a problem, and you can conceive, then you aren’t too old.

To be fair, that's all they can tell you without tests? And NHS tests are reserved for those who can't conceive their first child. Get private tests if you want, but the only way to know is to start trying and see what happens. But age will always increase risk of infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy and birth issues. And I'd be concerned about his smoking with your existing children, even outside, he'll bring in vapor which they will inhale.

@Zarah786 my husband is a bit younger, he's 34. We were both smokers right up until we got pregnant with our first

Decent amount of people are having their first babies at these ages having a third should be no problem - 37 is still plenty young and smoking men manage to conceive children without any issues. I wouldn't bother with a fertility 'doctor' most of them don't know the difference between men and women - if Mother Nature is still giving you periods then what's the problem?

I find it mental that someone aged 36 thinks they're too old to have a baby

I was still not wanting children at all and aiming for my next promotion at 36. I had two children by the time I was 41.

Not to old if it's something you've really thought about. I really really love my children....but I was 40 when I had my youngest.my other 2 were 10 & 3 when she was born. They are now 18, 11& 8. I'm knackered all the time.my eldest and youngest fight all the time about everything. I don't think they'll ever be close. I'm dealing with the 18-year-old moving on to the next stage of life, which can often be fraught and all consuming at the same time as dealing with 8-year-old friendship drama. My 10 yr old is very laid back and gets a little lost in the mix. It's like spinning plates. As I said, I love them all, but if I had my time over. I wouldn't have had a 3rd with such a gap.

I had my first at 33. Genetic issues, very poorly baby, long time in and out of hospital. I had my twins at 38, big healthy kids.

I have friends who've had babies in their 20s who've had kids with autism, disabilities etc. I have plenty of friends who've had healthy babies at your age and into early 40s.

The risks increase but they're in no way absolutes.

Me too, nuts. Most of my friends hadn't even had their first by then and it's hardly a new thing, my Mum was almost 40 having me and both sets of grandparents had their youngests very late 30s/early 40s. I'm a lecturer, lots of colleages had (healthy, NT) babies between 40-47, husbands in their 40s to late 50s.

It shouldn't even be a question at 36 with a 40 year old father.

I'm 36, nearly 37, have 2 kids (13&9) could afford another but I think I'm too old to start thinking of it. But it's circumstances and how you feel personally isn't it. I work full time, don't have much family help, life is busy and I'm so tired. I couldn't fathom getting pregnant again and doing the nights and the extra life admin and pressure of another heading into my 40s. I'm definitely not the same person I was even at the age of having my youngest and think my body and mentally would find it hard. So yeah id def say I'm too old. Do you think you are? I would be thinking more about later as it's not just about being too old to get pregnant, it's the baby stage, toddler stage, toilet training, additional kids clubs etc. If you're happy go for it