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Original poster

Opinions on telling people that you are trying for a baby

100 replies

Juststartingttc · 04/02/2024 00:50

Hi everyone. I have just started TTC as of a couple of days ago. At the moment only me and my partner know we are trying for a baby. I am quite excited that we are actually trying and so is he (to say the least). I am wondering if people usually tell close relatives or friends that they are TTC. At the moment I'm torn between telling people, specifically our parents and perhaps one or two close friends, or just not saying anything until we have some actual news to share (as in actually being pregnant).

OP posts:
DoIHaveNameRegret · 04/02/2024 08:23

No, it adds unnecessary pressure

Candleabra · 04/02/2024 08:25

Unless there is a reason you might struggle to get pregnant and need emotional support I wouldn’t say anything until you get pregnant.

Anjea · 04/02/2024 08:36

Definitely not.

I don't want to know that's you're at it like rabbits without protection.

BCBird · 04/02/2024 08:39

Nope. Stay silent. If anyone tells me I think TMI. I'm not a prude. I just think it is private.

wineandmaltesers · 04/02/2024 08:47

Nope absolutely wouldn't say anything.
I only told family when i was 7 weeks because it was Christmas and i couldn't drink which would have made my family suspicious 😄

Sara1988 · 04/02/2024 09:04

I told my closest friends. I needed people to confide in and knew I would need them if things didn't go to plan. They also now know they can come to me if they ever try.

I actually think this secrecy around conception is why there's so much shame around miscarriage and so much lack of information around ttc. If you want to tell people, tell them!

CurlyWurly1991 · 04/02/2024 09:13

Personally I wouldn’t. I’ve recently had a miscarriage and it’s bad enough if I tell people that (only closest friends) because then they ask more and know we are ‘trying’.

CoolSummer89 · 04/02/2024 09:19

I have actually been telling most close female friends and female acquaintances with babies. I mean, I'm not ringing them up to tell them directly, but as and when I have been catching up with them on other things. I hadn't even thought of it as letting people in to my bedroom!

For me - I am 35 and got married last year. I feel like it's pretty obvious that this could be on the cards. This way it's out in the open and everyone has been very generous with what they experienced (how long it took them, any miscarriages etc) and for me it feels less lonely. I agree with @Sara1988 that openness reduces shame.

But now I am worried that people's brains are imagining us DTD, which is a new kind of shame! 😂

Thedance · 04/02/2024 09:21

No need to tell anyone. You wil just get all the questions each month. It's your business and there is nothing to tell until you are actually pregnant .

Isitisit · 04/02/2024 09:25

I told my best friend as she was in the same place and we both knew it was a just a question of which month we started. It was great for us to be able to talk ovulation sticks, tests and similar through together.

Leonarda89 · 04/02/2024 09:26

@CoolSummer89 I'm the same as you. And don't worry, when people have told me they are TTC I've never imagined them having sex! 😂😂 I'm just hopeful and excited for them!

FoFanta · 04/02/2024 09:38

It depends. I didn't tell anyone because it felt like a private thing between my husband and me, and I loved sharing the excitement and the anxiety of it all with the only other person who was as invested as I was. I really valued the time when it was just "our" news. It was a really intimate and special time in our relationship.

Saying that, I have friends and work colleagues who have wanted to share every aspect of their fertility journey, and I don't judge them for it at all. I have a colleague who I knew every time she ovulated, how often she was having sex, 5 months of negative pregnancy tests and the actual day she got a positive pregnancy test. She is quite an anxious woman and needs lots of external validation and support and that's fine. I'm so excited for her and really looking forward to meeting her baby!

SM4713 · 04/02/2024 09:47

NO!

I made the mistake of telling a close work colleague. Every, single time I saw her, she would ask how things were going and query whether I should be eating XYZ etc. I felt I was always under scrutiny. After a year, she pressed to know what tests I'd had, why I was waiting etc etc. I started avoiding her because it was the only thing she'd ask about- every single time!

We TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and multiple IVF rounds- no living children. Hopefully you have more luck, but your journey has only just started. Don't tell anyone.

Olika · 04/02/2024 10:24

Absolutely not. First of all it's nobody's business and secondly it might take long time with complications.

BeckyPfromLeeds · 04/02/2024 10:30

I've only told my best friend of 30 years, just so I can have someone to talk to about it. She has promised that she is not going to ask about it and will leave it up to me to go to her with anything.

I'm definitely not telling my own mum as I know she will constantly ask.

My OH is a very private person and struggles under the pressure to perform as it is so I don't want to add any more to it by talking to him all the time, so that's why I have my best friend if I need her, just in case things dont go to plan (I'm high risk, age, weight and potential pcos and peri-menopause).

At the end of the day it is entirely up to you x x

Gettingbysomehow · 04/02/2024 10:34

No definitely don't. Basically you are telling people you are having sex all the time.
It's enough to tell them when you are actually pregnant.

Wednesday6 · 04/02/2024 10:45

Yep we did tell people and we tried for 3 years. That helped us with people around not asking intruding questions on whether we wanted kids etc

Cindy1802 · 04/02/2024 10:51

Dont underestimate the unnecessary pressure it adds if it doesn't happen quickly. It feels like it becomes the elephant in the room everytime you see people but you don't have good news to share.

However the 'wait til 12 week scan' rule is nonsense if you will also share with these people if you miscarry.

PossomPatrol · 04/02/2024 10:53

I didn’t share when we were ttc, it’s private & not something I would ever ask anyone.

It didn’t stop certain people from asking though (mil, I’m looking at you) 😑

JDJT · 04/02/2024 10:55

I think I vaguely said what year we were thinking of starting, but not specifically when, as it's not really necessary.

Now we're thinking of trying for a second I've said when we'd like to start, to some people (mainly because they ask!). I have some colleagues that are in the same boat so we talk about it in a bit more detail as they are thinking the same sort of time!

There's no right or wrong.

PointyMcguire · 04/02/2024 10:58

See before DD I’d have said absolutely not for all the reasons others have mentioned, but we’re currently planning to start trying for #2 soon and we’ve been a lot more open about it this time around. Though that’s partly because I’ve just finished mat leave and wanted to promise my mum group friends I’ll (hopefully!) be back soon 😁

I think as long as you’re aware you’re opening yourself up to constant (possibly insensitive) questions, and are ok with that, then it’s fine to mention it to a select few.

Mumoftwo1312 · 04/02/2024 11:00

I wouldn't, you've only just started.

I did tell people when dh and I had been trying nearly 2 years... we'd been married and been together ages before that and I could tell people were sort of wanting to hint/ask every time the topic came up.

So I pre-empted by saying "we want kids but it hasn't happened yet and I'm a bit sad about it" just to fend off any questions. Everyone knew then not to mention it.

It did happen in the end, hence my username!

BCBird · 04/02/2024 11:01

I don't think not telling people is secrecy about conception more privacy about one's sex life. Not the same in my opinion.

turnipontheleft · 04/02/2024 11:08

No way! People don't want to imagine you shagging. No need to share it at all.

curliegirlie · 04/02/2024 11:17

In general, no. Specifically, my two best friends know we're trying for a third, but only because I told them in shock when I discovered a surprise pregnancy nearly two years ago (and subsequently lost it a few days later). It was comforting being able to share my hurt and frustration in "real life", and then open up to one of them when I had another CP in November. But I certainly wouldn't want all and sundry (including parents and MIL) knowing and feeling sorry for me.