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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

We both want a second baby but husband avoids sex

65 replies

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 15:39

Hi there,

im not really looking for an answer as such more just to vent and see if anyone else is or has been in a similar situation?

Basically our sex life has declined a lot over the years. I don’t have a massive sex drive but would like it more often. We both really want a second baby, my first is nearly 2 years old. We talk about it all the time and husband will even bring up the topic on his own. But the problem is every time my fertile period comes around he’s “too tired” and we only manage to DTD once (twice if I’m lucky). It’s been since December now and nothings happened. I have tried explaining the whole process to him and why we need to dtd more than once during my fertile week. He listens and agrees and promises that next month he will try but every time he just refuses. It’s now at the stage where he says I’m making it weird, putting too much pressure on him, nagging him so he has asked me the last two months to “back off” with my advances and “not to mention it at all” just let him know when it will be and HE will make the first move. So I’ve taken this onboard, stepped back and waited. Both months we have only dtd once on the day I get my positive opk.
We had the same problem trying to conceive my son and the first time he finally went along with my schedule of dtd 4 times during my fertile week guess what!! We fell pregnant! I’ve tried to use this as an example. But nothing works and I’m getting so frustrated at the situation as there is nothing I can do. He is now getting super defensive about it all which is making it worse as now I feel like I can’t even mention ttc without him shutting me down for “nagging”.
Every month I track my ovulation and it’s heartbreaking knowing when your ovulating but not being able to try.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

also just to add I am 100 percent sure that he definitely wants a second as he insists he does and talks about it without any prompting from me!

OP posts:

LA7887 · 04/07/2023 15:46

I assume you've tried not even mention it being your fertile window and maybe romancing him a bit. Make his favourite meal, maybe wear something he likes on you. Maybe a wee beverage or two?

Maybe it's like stage fright, knowing he has to perform? Maybe just get the fun and flirty back

Original poster

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 15:55

Oh yes I should have said that I tried not mentioning it and making allllllllll the effort like wearing low cut tops, nice lingerie, smelling nice, acting flirty etc it seemed to push him further away until he actually came out and said when I do all of the above it feels forced and unnatural! I’ve also tried to make more of an effort when I’m not fertile so that it doesn’t look like I’m just trying when it’s my fertile week.

OP posts:

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/07/2023 16:00

It is a bit weird to be like it's a positive OPK let's have sex!

I would just relax and let it happen when it happens, don't do anymore OPKs and just give it a year.

mushroommummy · 04/07/2023 16:11

I think you need to address why your husband has such a low sex drive? What age is he?

NewtonsCradle · 04/07/2023 16:20

Maybe he sees sex as something he earns rather than a normal part of a loving relationship. If you have an argument just before your fertile window and then make up he might have more enthusiasm for sex, or if you give him a chance to be a hero in some way? I'm not saying it's healthy but it might work. Hth.

caringcarer · 04/07/2023 16:31

I'd be worried about his sex drive. Would he go to his GP. He might have low testosterone levels. Are you absolutely sure he does want another child because knowing you are fertile but not wanting sex might suggest he's not as committed as you think.

Original poster

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 17:09

Thanks for your replies!

Hes 35, our sex life has been declining for a few years now. I have tried asking if it’s anything medical related and he straight away says that’s not the problem but when I ask what the issue is he says he doesn’t know. He’s obsessed with his work and being successful. He’s self employed and often is physically and mentally drained at the end of the day. His mind is occupied with work 24/7. He also unhappy as he has put on weight (but can’t tear himself away from work to go to the gym) so I’ve wondered if that might be effecting him.

I have even asked if I’m the problem and he says it’s not me?

He is a very blunt person, what you see is what you get. He doesn’t bite his tongue so I don’t see him lying about wanting a baby. If he didn’t want one, he would say it straight. He also brings up the topic of having another baby and talking about the future as a family of 4!?

I’ve tried talking about it but like I said earlier he is getting really defensive any time I mention it now and says I’m nagging him. When really all I want is an honest conversation. He point blank refuses to plan any days in advance too. Like if I suggest trying every second day he will shut it down.

haha maybe I will try starting a big argument and see if it turns into make up sex @NewtonsCradle

On a serious note yes maybe I’ll suggest going to the doctor to get testosterone etc checked.

im just at my wits end. I want to get pregnant so badly now so we can put ttc behind us and eventually try and fix our sex life. I’m 37 so I don’t really want to put off trying Incase my age starts to affect my fertility!

OP posts:

amiold · 04/07/2023 17:13

Tell him you're going back on the pill as he's not committed to having another child and you're not putting yourself through the emotional rollercoaster of being turned down by him. If he has an issue he should see the doctor, not batter your confidence.

jemimajack · 04/07/2023 17:23

Both times I got pregnant we only did it twice in fertile week - day of positive OPK and day after. don't give up hope! It only takes one time! Sorry if this isn't helpful. Just thought I'd say we really struggled with the pressure to do it more but turns out we didn't need to anyway.

Original poster

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 17:57

Maybe I should. Thank you for understanding how I’m feeling. It does knock your confidence, initiating sex is not something that comes naturally to me! All my past relationships have been the opposite so I’ve never had to initiate sex. So to force yourself to try and intiate and then be rejected all the time takes it’s toll!

@jemimajack thank you! This does help to hear stories like this! We’ve managed once this week (yesterday). I got my positive opk today and he’s flat out said “no” when I mentioned it.

OP posts:

amiold · 04/07/2023 18:09

@Lola19 it's bound to make you feel like that. If he is serious about another baby he will sort it, if he doesn't then it sort of tells you a lot. Don't want to be too brutal but life is too short to live like that. I hope you're okay x

Bluebell0921 · 04/07/2023 18:14

There’s lots of reason why people don’t want to have sex. I’d also say that I imagine he feels like he’s failing in some way by not feeling up for it. Like you said the narrative tends to be that men want sex all the time and if he feels he doesn’t it probably is impacting his self-esteem. I would imagine by you talking about it a lot (although you’re not purposely doing this) it sounds like he’s feeling inferior and ashamed. This may be why he’s become snappy and withdrawn. It can be really awkward talking about sex, most (British) people don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I would try not to get frustrated with him because I imagine deep down he’s feeling bad about it like there’s something wrong with him (and that’s not a great mindset to be in to want to have sex). It’s very normal for stress to be a cause of a low sex drive. Try and have an open conversation. Tell him how much you love him and want a baby with him but you also can see that he is feeling pressure and it’s unlikely to just get better without talking it through. I would suggest seeing a sex therapist if you feel you need help to facilitate those conversations. There’s a great sex therapist on Instagram called Kate moyle who has some really helpful videos and also does a podcast. That might give you some ideas for facilitating a convo. Best of luck xx

Original poster

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 18:30

This is a really helpful insight! Thank you! I suppose I hadn’t really considered that he might be feeling ashamed for not wanting it all the time! He is definitely very awkward talking about sex, whereas I’m more comfortable being open and honest with everything! I like your suggestion on how to approach it with him. I have followed the therapist you suggested on instagram! Hopefully it will give me some new perspective on how to handle this situation.

I honestly just feel so frustrated as im sure you all can relate that when you decide you want a baby it really does take over your life until it happens! I also feel the added pressure of my age.

OP posts:

Bluebell0921 · 04/07/2023 18:42

@Lola19 aw I’m glad that helped. I hope it didn’t come across that I’m minimising how you must feel I just think sometimes trying to understand the other persons perspective makes it easier to empathise and then we don’t feel so angry. Then we approach the problem from a different perspective and it leads to a better outcome. It’s totally understandable that it must be so difficult for you and it can feel quite rejecting and it sounds like you are working really hard to try and find a solution. I imagine you must be feeling pressure to fix this because you want a baby but if you can approach it as a problem to overcome together I’m sure that will help you both. its amazing how quickly these sorts of things can resolve with the right approach and I would say your openness and ease will probably really help rather than trying to brush it under the carpet. Hopefully in a few months time there will be an update on here that you are pregnant 😀 xx

olympicsrock · 04/07/2023 18:50

How often do you have sex? Sorry if I missed this info?

Original poster

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 18:55

During my fertile time once a week occasionally twice. Outside of that when we aren’t trying to conceive id say once a month and that’s with me trying to intiate and being rejected a few times.

I will say as well I have been going to the gym and make an effort to look my best for him most days in order to try and ignite something so i really am trying so hard!

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 04/07/2023 18:56

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/07/2023 16:00

It is a bit weird to be like it's a positive OPK let's have sex!

I would just relax and let it happen when it happens, don't do anymore OPKs and just give it a year.

It's really not weird when you're TTC for a while. Almost everyone who isn't lucky enough in the first few months ends up in this situation.

Morred · 04/07/2023 18:56

Try leaving it to him to initiate but when he brings up second child, family of four, etc say quite matter of factly that you'd rather not talk about it as you're anxious your fertility will decline and it will never happen. See if making it a bit clearer that he can't dream about this helps him along?

Dummycrusher · 04/07/2023 19:03

Omg definitely do not tell him to get his testosterone checked, that will drive him even further into his shell. Have a look at avoidant attachment and see if that rings any bells. The more you lean in, the more he will run away. It's a pain in the arse to address I'm afraid.

Keha · 04/07/2023 19:15

OP, with both of my DC we only had sex once around the time of ovulation, so I wouldn't give up hope if that's all you are doing.

HiCandles · 04/07/2023 19:19

This sounds very frustrating OP. When trying for my second my husband sometimes said similar but did then get on with the job so I feel for you that he is saying he wants another but not making any effort towards it.
Completely last resort but obviously some people do get pregnant this way, and if he feels sex is just too much effort, could you suggest that he, er, produces the necessary into a cup, and you insert using the old turkey baster?

Bluebell0921 · 04/07/2023 19:20

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 18:55

During my fertile time once a week occasionally twice. Outside of that when we aren’t trying to conceive id say once a month and that’s with me trying to intiate and being rejected a few times.

I will say as well I have been going to the gym and make an effort to look my best for him most days in order to try and ignite something so i really am trying so hard!

This makes me sad. I promise you it is very very unlikely that how he is feeling is anything to do with how attracted he is to you.

Golaz · 04/07/2023 19:24

Could you try pot and syringe when he’s not in the mood for sex? Would he agree to that?

olympicsrock · 04/07/2023 19:27

Could be worse … I wouldn’t make too big a deal at this point or you could make it worse

philautia · 04/07/2023 19:28

I couldn't be with someone who wanted sex once or twice a month and who rejected me when I made advances (I'm not talking about during your fertile window, but in general).

He's only young at 35 - you say it's been declining for years and he avoids talking about it and blames you for pressure. Is sex actually good with him? If he won't do anything about it, then I wouldn't be looking to have another child with him.

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