38, Bad fertility results , bf of a year not sure re kids

[Rosie212]

I’m 38 and had a fertility mot which revealed AMH of 1.6 and AFC of 7 - the specialists said it doesn’t mean I can’t have children but have reduced ovarian reserve so need to get a move on . They couldn’t give me time scales at all.

I have a bf who I’ve been seeing for almost a year now. He’s 44 and not sure re children and feels that the relationship isn’t being able to move organically now. He said that he is trying to get on board and that he is 75% there and described a potential time line of getting engaged and living together, ttc from oct onwards and getting married later as time isn’t on my side. He said he can’t offer me 100% commitment to this now however and he’s said it’s not fair on me that he can’t and he’s saying letting me down after saying yes cannot happen. We discussed breaking up and him being able to get back in touch and maybe I’d still be single but every time we do this he says that he doesn’t want to break up and hates the idea of me being with someone else , that there’s something special and he loves me etc.

another added complication is the fertility docs suggested getting my eggs frozen (20k as would need several rounds to get enough eggs to get 30% chance of success with them ) and they also suggested finding a sperm donor and freezing embryos as a back up too (another 20k)

so I’m now in a situation where I am worrying that I may miss out on children , have a relationship that I feel could work but is being pressurised and I don’t know if I part with all my savings on fertility stuff I may or
may not need. I’ve also wondered do I need to start thinking about being a solo mum if it doesn’t work out with bf but this scares me a lot

I’d be grateful for any advise please

thanks so much

Wow! You’re a woman of action! Good for you Rosie!

there will be lots of advice on here on the donor conception board x

Argc are hard core but get results. I had a friend had a very good experience at kings. Crgh also very good.

I did egg freezing at crgh and argc. Argc more blood tests and more monitored (and thus more expensive but not a lot more I don’t think). A lot of women at argc had been other places first.

good luck! Exciting!

Of course it's too early to ttc with a partner you hardly know.

Gonna go against the grain and not recommend sperm donation without a father in the picture. What's the impact of sperm donation on children? How does having zero information about your bio father impact a child? It's absolutely not the same as an 'absent' father your mother once knew.

Some people have children, some don't. It's bad luck if you don't and you want them.

Donation is adult focused not child focused in the way surrogacy is for me. Just another point of view.

Best of luck.

Dating 'almost a year' not even a year. It really is bad luck you met someone later than you'd like and have low hormone levels. Mumsnet would be calling you nuts if you were ten years younger and talking about ttc. Your boyfriend is not being unreasonable - if he posted Mumsnet would be telling him you were being unreasonable putting pressure on him after such a short time

@Perple have you used the frozen eggs yet ? I asked argc re statistics but they couldn’t really give me any!

They’ve been together a year. I’d say it’s v sensible to exercise caution.

I understand what pp mean when they say it’s ok he doesn’t know if he wants a kid with you
you haven’t been together long
but any man that starts dating a women that’s 38 and doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t tell her what he wants / ask what she wants is a moron

He is dragging his feet so you run out of time imo. It really sounds like he wants you but no children.

Has he other kids? Can he even have kids, is that why he's putting you off?

DH wanted us to ttc 4-5 years ago. I wanted to wait thinking there wouldn't be an issue as lots of my family have had babies late 30's early 40's.
Unfortunately in the last 2 years there have been 2 pregnancies and both resulted in loss. We want a baby so much.

Every day I wonder what if we'd ttc sooner.

If you want a baby don't waste time is my advice.

If you say to bf you want a baby and he stays and gets involved or goes, you've done all you can.

How is a man who isn't sure he wants kids with someone he hasn't known a year a 'moron'?

I wouldn't bother with engagement and marriage - it will only delay things and you can do that further down the line if you want to.

Stop taking the pill if you're on it so it's out your system. Tell him you're doing so and can use condoms in the meantime if needed.

If you want to stay with him and vice versa it has to be on your timeline not just his. If if you got pregnant tomorrow, he'd have 9 months to get used to the idea. Do you really love him though?

a few months into dating him I said because of my age I would want children soon and hoped to try to conceive within a year. I gave specific timelines in mind with the knowledge he may get scared. But he didn’t he said he could do that. Then about 6 months in he said he had doubts re children but was on fence. Then I randomly got the MOT test 2 months ago and he had been stalling and saying he needs more time. He stopped me breaking up with him last week because he said he wasn’t convinced breaking up was the right thing to do. It’s constantly needing another week and another week etc

@qpmz I do love him but I don’t want to risk my one shot of having children by waiting around while he tells me repeatedly he isn’t sure and needs more time

And the weeks will turn into months and that runs the risk of you not being as fertile.

I'm not sure it's the right thing either op. You've dumped a man that listened to you, that then communicated his hesitancy (easy to say something when you've just met them) to you, that has watched you get fertility checks and who has expressed entirely reasonable expectations of living together/engagement/TTC timelines.

Good for you. Honestly if he’s not ready now how is he going to magically be ready in Oct? It’s less than 3months away. He was just keeping you hanging on.

Absolutely

You don't even live together!

I am waaay to invested in this madness.

Remember the HALT decision making thing - dont make decisions when you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

Having just broken up with someone you say you love and wanted to have kids with you must be at least two of these. Maybe get over this relationship before you go random sperm hunting.

@Lovelycheese he has said repeatedly that the situation between us can’t continue and that there needs to be ‘closure’ yet it has constantly been ‘not there yet’ and he hasn’t wanted to break up . Yet interestingly when we broke up he didn’t sound remotely bothered

Not surprised. Sounds like he's dodged a bullet op - not necessarily you, but being forced into something he didn't want IMMEDIATELY. You probably gave him the out he needed but didn't want as he liked you

@Lovelycheese kick a woman while she’s down won’t you

I don't think he would have been ready in October either truth be told. I think he just wanted more time to not have to make a decision just yet.

It really is unlucky timing of meeting him. But then you did set out that you did want children and he accepted that. Maybe he didn't think the time would come, who knows.

I think if he knew he wanted to marry you and be with you for the rest of your lives, he would understand and wouldn't have let you go do easy? Especially for him to say he'd be ready in October... Like. You could start TTC now and probably not even be PG in October. You are merely starting your TTC journey. If it would take you 6 months to catch on, then what about October makes a difference? Idk. I think he's scared of commitment. Or he just said what you wanted to hear to keep you sweet.

Gosh this guy is getting a hard time on here. Maybe he wanted to be sure the relationship was stable and would go the distance before committing to a child? Maybe he does not want to be a weekend dad?

If someone started giving me deadlines about having a a baby when we had been together less than a year I'd be running for the hills.

Having a child with someone is a lifelong commitment.

I, too, think the guy is getting a rough ride. It does sound as though the OP saw him as a means to an end rather than someone she wanted to be with for himself

October is 3 months away. That's quite a long time when a relationship is less than a year old. I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

@Rosie212
If I'm honest, I'd have been more worried if he'd said yes! Your only gain would have been financially if successful.

Stats for your circumstances are very very low.

If you get pregnant, there is very high likelihood of mc due to poor egg quality.

If you wish to conceive, I'd be realistic. Decide whether you wish to spend a 3 cycle package on your own eggs or whether you'd rather increase your odds to in some case 60% abroad, using donor eggs.

That sadly is the harsh reality. Spending the 20k on egg harvesting for the future would be a waste imo. Whereas if you're having attempts now you can review.

I appreciate that you may not be psychologically in the right place to want to consider donor eggs. But you may find that considering this, looking at say some where like Serum in Athens maybe preferable if your aim is a live birth.

Fwiw, I was told a lot younger than you I'd never conceive and went through extensive treatment to make my body more hospitable. I was incredibly lucky as my amh was 45 at your age. But even with that, it took 4 cycles. And though I wanted my child, I was very prepared to then use donor eggs...

I've been very blessed. Went solo. Best decision ever. My gorgeous lo is sleeping off the appalling night now!

Good luck.

Sorry to hear the update OP.

My parents met and married in a year and they were much younger. At your age you only really need a year to know if someone is right. At 44 he doesn’t actually want to have kids - that’s the reality.

I’m not sure about freezing eggs in the new circumstance. Why not consider being a single mother and start looking for donated sperm?

Fwiw a friend of mine went through similar, long term partner eventually admitted he didn’t want kids. The difference being that she was herself infertile so always needed to use donor eggs. So she used donor egg and donor sperm and now has a child who looks bizarrely like her and is super happy about it.

Not everyone has the means to become a single parent, so that requires much consideration. But it seems to me if you really want a kid then you should put 100% focus on that make that happen and decide the man question later on.