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Original poster

38, Bad fertility results , bf of a year not sure re kids

100 replies

Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 17:31

I’m 38 and had a fertility mot which revealed AMH of 1.6 and AFC of 7 - the specialists said it doesn’t mean I can’t have children but have reduced ovarian reserve so need to get a move on . They couldn’t give me time scales at all.

I have a bf who I’ve been seeing for almost a year now. He’s 44 and not sure re children and feels that the relationship isn’t being able to move organically now. He said that he is trying to get on board and that he is 75% there and described a potential time line of getting engaged and living together, ttc from oct onwards and getting married later as time isn’t on my side. He said he can’t offer me 100% commitment to this now however and he’s said it’s not fair on me that he can’t and he’s saying letting me down after saying yes cannot happen. We discussed breaking up and him being able to get back in touch and maybe I’d still be single but every time we do this he says that he doesn’t want to break up and hates the idea of me being with someone else , that there’s something special and he loves me etc.

another added complication is the fertility docs suggested getting my eggs frozen (20k as would need several rounds to get enough eggs to get 30% chance of success with them ) and they also suggested finding a sperm donor and freezing embryos as a back up too (another 20k)

so I’m now in a situation where I am worrying that I may miss out on children , have a relationship that I feel could work but is being pressurised and I don’t know if I part with all my savings on fertility stuff I may or
may not need. I’ve also wondered do I need to start thinking about being a solo mum if it doesn’t work out with bf but this scares me a lot

I’d be grateful for any advise please

thanks so much

OP posts:
Perple · 19/07/2022 19:43

@Debbiedoodah that is completely incorrect. With modern techniques the success rates are in fact very close to drag cycles for women of the age at the eggs are frozen.

Perple · 19/07/2022 19:45

Fresh cycles! At no time does anyone in the process come in drag!

Cyberworrier · 19/07/2022 19:54

SylvanianFrenemies · 19/07/2022 19:41

Give it til October.
Start researching your other options now, book appointments for November if that makes sense.

I think this sounds very sensible OP. Gives your partner a chance to step up, you start taking supplements if you aren't already, stop drinking and either way you are ready October/November to ttc.

biggreenhouse · 19/07/2022 19:57

as someone who has gone through all of this already and watched a few friends do the same.. my advice is -- dont waste time to freeze eggs, its about 1% chance, will take you ages to build up enough and you are pushing 40 as it is.

Go for embryos if you must although even then its low chance with your numbers and age. Really you need to get going now with the bf or donor ivf. of he's not on board, don't tie yourself to him as the relationship will break down an you're better off going the donor route.

trailrunner85 · 19/07/2022 20:00

I'm sorry but he's taking the absolute piss. Why this arbitrary date of October that he's plucked out of the air? What will change by October? You can bet any money that come October the can will be kicked down the road again. And again. And again until it isn't an option any more.
I'm afraid it's ultimatum time. Try now or you go it alone. Scary as that sounds, it's best you do have the tough conversations now rather than in a couple of years' time, when it'll be too late.

Perple · 19/07/2022 20:05

I’m not a massive advocate of if egg freezing but the 1% stat from the undated Robert Winston quote is massively misleading!

Liverpoolhev · 19/07/2022 20:06

I had a baby using donor sperm at 34 because I was with a man who had 2 kids already, he'd had the snip and didn't want more. We were together since I was 30... I told him my plan and we agreed to carry on dating see what happened... it ended up being absolutely the right decision for us, he was at the birth and 5 years on although we don't live together he and my son have a wonderful bond and our relationship is strong. But I was prepared for my pregnancy to be the death of the relationship as I wanted kids so much.
In your position I would go straight to embryos and i would do it right now, tell him what you are doing. By October he may be ready to TTC but if hr isn't you will have started the process and be on your way to having some embryos in the freezer. Don't delay as each month your egg quality can decline at this age. Follow your dream and everything else will fall into place. Good luck! X

roarfeckingroarr · 19/07/2022 20:07

Do it on your own. Men come and go. Don't lose your chance to be a mother, especially for someone who still isn't sure at the grand age of 44.

biggreenhouse · 19/07/2022 20:08

@Perple can you explain how it's misleading please as my consultants stated the same. it's only been the money grabbing clinics that ever suggest better odds.

Attictroll · 19/07/2022 20:12

If I wanted a child i would go straight to sperm donor and not waste time if bf is dithering. I had a similar result at 37 and was with a bf of a year or so...his response even though we didn't live together was "I think you'll make a great mum - do you want to start trying tonight". 🥰

Low amh etc make ivf tricky so you need to explore options. Three years of refusal for ivf, tests for both of us miscarriages we had a successful pregnancy and a beautiful baby.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 19/07/2022 20:12

I think you have to make a choice either your relationship or a family.

You certainly could meet someone else and get going with making a baby but you can always do it solo.

Personally I think in your situation you seem to want a baby, I might be wrong and knowing what I do from experience I would just get a donor and go it alone. Of course that is a hard choice financially and emotionally but it might be right for you.

Men can come and go, your baby is for life

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 19/07/2022 20:14

I also meant to say if your bf is 44 has no kids and is wavering, he almost certainly doesn't want them and could leave you with your baby even if he agrees to go through with it. Happens probably more than you think

Orangesare · 19/07/2022 20:22

I would wait until October because is less than three months away. Between now and October you can be researching your other options, booking appointments, stop drinking, improve diet, take supplements and track your cycle including using ovulation sticks.
Whatever he says in October you will be ready

Ishacoco · 19/07/2022 20:32

Perple · 19/07/2022 19:45

Fresh cycles! At no time does anyone in the process come in drag!

Not the point but this really made me laugh! Just the mental image 😆

Perple · 19/07/2022 20:33

@biggreenhouse because it’s per frozen egg rather than cycle and based a lot (as far as I understand) on the okd
method rather than the new vitrification method.

recent hfca report is 18% success of live birth per defrosted egg cycle. Basythe success rates with the new vitrification method seem to be basically about the same as a fresh Ivf cycle for a woman of that age. Eg if you froze your eggs at 38 you have about the same chance as a fresh cycle at that age - even if you’re older when you defrost. So the more useful comparator for the op is Ivf cycles for women of her age.

but as said I’m not a massive advocate of freezing at all. At the op s age if I had not been a total mess onwohodmhave cracked on and done it on my own.

zafferana · 19/07/2022 20:38

So is your BF unsure whether he wants DC at all, or unsure whether he wants them with YOU? If it's the former, then I'd crack on alone as anyone who gets to 44 and still isn't sure if they want DC or not is a manchild.

LilyMarshall · 19/07/2022 20:42

He is wasting your time.

OnaBegonia · 19/07/2022 21:08

He’s 44 and not sure re children and feels that the relationship isn’t being able to move organically now. He said that he is trying to get on board and that he is 75% there and described a potential time line
Do people really speak like
this? He sounds an utter knob, get rid and go for it alone.

rwalker · 19/07/2022 21:13

I'm sorry for your circumstances but from his point of view you haven't even been together a year and your demanding kids .
The guy must feel like he's got a gun to his head I'd be running for the hills

Prunel · 19/07/2022 21:15

44 and hesitating over kids would give me the ick
he either wants them or he doesn’t
either is fine, but not being sure reeks of immaturity, or a lie. What exactly will change between now and October?

give it until October if you want, but spend this time saving and preparing to get pregnant. Be healthy, take vitamins do whatever and have everything set up to start the process of sperm donor on oct 2nd if he hasn’t started trying on oct 1st.

however since he’s so unsure do be prepared to have the baby on your own either way, just in case he continues to be flaky.

LikeADogWithABone · 19/07/2022 22:05

Oh my, I can't believe that posters think the boyfriend is being flaky. The OP hasn't even been dating him for a year. It's crazy to expect anyone to be sure they want kids with someone they have dated for such a short time.

This is not his fault for being cautious or her fault for wanting to crack on with trying to have a baby it's simply a result of meeting later in life and because of the OPs fertility issues.
I wouldn't be surprised if he was more worried that the OP was more interested in his sperm than in him. If he went along with trying for a baby straight away then he couldn't be blamed for worrying what would happen if the relationship didn't work out. Maybe it's more important for him to want to wait and be sure about the relationship than trying for a baby. Maybe the idea of having a child and not being in a relationship with his mother is something he won't risk.

OP, I think you would be unreasonable to pressurize your boyfriend but I don't think you would be unreasonable to split with him and try other options.

It's an incredibly difficult situation for you to be in. I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 22:11

Thanks for all the advice. I called him up and asked for an answer now re whether he can ttc now. He said no absolutely not ready now. So I broke up with him. Really depressing but I don’t think I had any choice really . I guess I have to start looking up fertility clinics . I had consultations at argc and lister. Does anyone have any advice re best ones ?

OP posts:
D0lphine · 19/07/2022 22:11

Good for you OP this is the right choice.

Hope you're calm and ok with your choice.

Original poster
Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 22:15

@D0lphine thank you. Onwards and upwards . he didn’t even seem bothered tbh. Perhaps he’s relieved

OP posts:
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