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Original poster

38, Bad fertility results , bf of a year not sure re kids

100 replies

Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 17:31

I’m 38 and had a fertility mot which revealed AMH of 1.6 and AFC of 7 - the specialists said it doesn’t mean I can’t have children but have reduced ovarian reserve so need to get a move on . They couldn’t give me time scales at all.

I have a bf who I’ve been seeing for almost a year now. He’s 44 and not sure re children and feels that the relationship isn’t being able to move organically now. He said that he is trying to get on board and that he is 75% there and described a potential time line of getting engaged and living together, ttc from oct onwards and getting married later as time isn’t on my side. He said he can’t offer me 100% commitment to this now however and he’s said it’s not fair on me that he can’t and he’s saying letting me down after saying yes cannot happen. We discussed breaking up and him being able to get back in touch and maybe I’d still be single but every time we do this he says that he doesn’t want to break up and hates the idea of me being with someone else , that there’s something special and he loves me etc.

another added complication is the fertility docs suggested getting my eggs frozen (20k as would need several rounds to get enough eggs to get 30% chance of success with them ) and they also suggested finding a sperm donor and freezing embryos as a back up too (another 20k)

so I’m now in a situation where I am worrying that I may miss out on children , have a relationship that I feel could work but is being pressurised and I don’t know if I part with all my savings on fertility stuff I may or
may not need. I’ve also wondered do I need to start thinking about being a solo mum if it doesn’t work out with bf but this scares me a lot

I’d be grateful for any advise please

thanks so much

OP posts:
Wouldloveanother · 19/07/2022 18:00

You don’t have time to faff around with timelines and engagements. I would give him an ultimatum - start trying or you leave and get a sperm donor. Honestly; don’t gamble your chance on a flaky man’s commitment, you will really regret it.

Wouldloveanother · 19/07/2022 18:00

Plus at 44 I find ‘hesitating’ over kids to be quite pathetic if I’m honest and speaks of immaturity

Cyberworrier · 19/07/2022 18:06

I think it would be ultimatum time if I was you. Not to pressure him, but you don't have time to waste and he either needs to get on board and commit to trying now, or let you work on your alternative plan. But he can't faff about and waste your time.
Sympathy to you.
I've just separated from husband aged 35 partly because of his refusal to sort out his health when he knew it meant we couldn't have children. (There were other issues but it was important to me). Saying this just to explain I understand it's a really hard situation to be in, being with a man who is saying they want the same thing... but they're not actually backing that up with action/commitment. And time isn't on our side as women. It's so difficult.

Phrenologistsfinger · 19/07/2022 18:10

At this age, egg freezing is basically a waste of money. You are better off freezing embryos, which are much more robust. Eggs might not survive and at this age, many will be lower quality so less likely to survive than a younger woman’s eggs. Your bf needs to decide now and either you start trying or get a donor and go solo! I started at 37 and I was too old even then (40 now, no success yet). Ten losses and after 3 rounds of IVF at 39, only one decent embryo (33eggs - 5 embryos, only one of which was normal). Your eggs might be ok, or they might not be, but every month makes a difference re egg quality - says my consultant! You don’t want to waste any time and your amh/afc is already low.

I say this not to scare you, but to empower you to make a choice. I dithered and started ttc later ttc than I should have done and now it’s looking like I won’t have kids. Don’t be me.
best of luck x

GoT1904 · 19/07/2022 18:16

I get what he means. I do. But if having a children and being a mother is that important to you, then I would pursue that over a relationship any day. I know it's especially hard, because you might be able to have children with him if he decides.. but it's a might.

Many women choose not to/don't have children and are perfectly happy. I'm not one of those women. I thankfully have them, but if I didn't, I would do everything I could to make that happen.

Original poster
Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 18:46

@Phrenologistsfinger thanks for your reply. Was it also low ovarian reserve ? I find the results so difficult to deal with as no one can advise on time scales

OP posts:
Rover83 · 19/07/2022 18:55

Does he already have children? If not then is it that he doesn't want children at all or he's not sure he wants them with you?

Assuming you have the money to do it I'd go it alone its a scary thought but less scary than being mucked about and never having the chance to try, also less scary than having children with someone who isn't sure they want them.

Phrenologistsfinger · 19/07/2022 18:55

@Rosie212 no, I have AMH 20 and AFC 19 ish, I have the eggs but they are crappy quality. I don’t think there’s any correlation between quantity and quality, its just if you have fewer eggs to hunt through, it’s that bit harder to find the needle in the haystack that is a good one. I know women with low amh produce a handful of eggs, all fertilise and most become good blastocysts. It’s just a luck thing, like playing the lottery. I’m within normal statistically but perhaps a bit unlucky compared to some…

but recommend you read ‘it starts with the egg’ so you can get an idea of what you can do to boost your fertility/egg quality. It’ll make you feel like you are a bit more in controlI think. Also think about tracking your cycle, using ovulation tests etc. As that can show up any issues too. Also, if feeling brave, you can test your bloke’s willingness in seeing if he will take supplements for men too…

Cyberworrier · 19/07/2022 18:55

Re the egg freezing etc, do you have the funds available for the 20k + 20k. Sorry that sounds extremely nosy, I don't mean it in a judgemental or intrusive way, but it's such a serious amount of money, isn't it.
I have wondered for myself but it would mean taking money I'd be using to buy a flat after selling my home with DH. I just don't know if it's worth it considering the uncertain results.

Phrenologistsfinger · 19/07/2022 18:57

its just if you have fewer eggs to hunt through, it’s that bit harder to find the needle in the haystack that is a good one.

That’s if you have quality issues too. Sadly can be an age thing but varies for everyone.

Original poster
Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 18:59

@Cyberworrier its literally all my savings but if that’s my only shot I may have to do it. I guess I won’t have time to meet someone normally if bf doesn’t work out

OP posts:
ElephantePicante · 19/07/2022 19:00

I'd leave and find a donor immediately.

Phrenologistsfinger · 19/07/2022 19:01

Not sure where you got £20k from. One round could be £5-10/12k depending on where you go, add ons like genetic testing etc.

TipsI have seen:
access fertility do packages that are cheaper if you meet criteria
go abroad say to Greece, Prague, Cyprus, cheaper and more advanced from what i hear
Plus lots more tips on the infertility boards, not something I’ve looked into myself but lots of savvy women out there!

Phrenologistsfinger · 19/07/2022 19:03

Also, in spirit of empowerment. Check out the ‘solo mothers by choice uk’ group on FB. Very inspiring!
(I didn't need to in the end but I was prepared for it.)

Original poster
Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 19:06

Do you think I should be saying I want to TTC now and if it’s not sure then I’m off for a sleep donor ? Or should I give it more time ? We’d talked about maybe TTC from oct but hes 75% there and obviously has lots of uncertainty

OP posts:
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 19/07/2022 19:09

How much do you want children? Is it something you have always known you wanted and haven't due to meeting the right man or has it only started to feel urgent since the fertility MOT? What prompted the fertility MOT?

Do you want this enough to go it alone? Could you deal with it if you delayed and didn't get pregnant?

The difficulty is that at this stage your choices really are this guy or a donor you have no time to meet someone else.

I understand how final and urgent it all feels at 38, and that makes it all the more difficult to make sensible decisions. You just have to think about what you can live with.

You need to be really clear with this guy, he is in an understandably tricky position but so are you and you don't have time to wait. Would he consider trying on the basis that he could be an anonymous not on the birth certificate unmarried father if things don't work out after you get pregnant? How would he feel if you went solo with a sperm donor now?

GodspeedJune · 19/07/2022 19:10

Not wanting to panic you, but I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve at age 30 and there was no time to waste. I was fortunate to be in a good relationship but if I’d been single or with a man who wouldn’t commit, I would have made embryos and gone it alone.

There’s some good support groups online for women with this issue. You’ll likely struggle to get funding packages here with the low AMH issue but I second Phrenologistsfinger recommendation to go abroad where treatment is superior and often a bit cheaper.

If you want children, don’t waste the opportunity on a man. A relationship can be persued at any time, fertility is time limited and with low ovarian reserve we are already at the end of that timescale.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/07/2022 19:14

You need to imagine the time line is the next 3 months- because quite honestly whether the time line is a month or 3 years you don’t really have time to mess around. If a man at 44 doesn’t know of he wants kids he doesn’t want kids, or worse will have them and have the woman do it all because she so badly wanted them.
I’d move on, not sure about freezing eggs at that cost- I’m not very knowledgeable on whether that’s worth it.

Perple · 19/07/2022 19:14

doubt is of much help but to share my experience - I was an absolute mess in my late 39s early 40s - well for a lot longer before thst but that was when I had a total melt down. I went through 5 egg freezing cycles between 36 and 39 and I’ve got 53 eggs on ice. I’m now 45 and have for the most part got myself together - just a few bits to sort out. And I’m starting to plan for solo parenting with donor spwrm. Obviously it’s not a sure thing at all - and none of those eggs could work - but the odds are decent. Not how I would have planned it but it is what it is.

if I was your age and basically stable - I would give him
an ultimatum and if he’s not up for it then that’s it and is crack on on my own. To be honest if he’s a bit wet it might be better to do it on your own

surreygirl1987 · 19/07/2022 19:23

I'd give it to October and then deliver the ultimatum. If he's not ready by then, it's over. But in the meantime I'd do loads of research into the alternative options and start the ball rolling so you won't have wasted too much time if it doesn't pan out.

IrisVersicolor · 19/07/2022 19:26

If you want kids I wouldn’t waste any more time.

I would aim to freeze embryos as they’re more robust - either with bf’s or donor sperm depending on his feels of the moment.

That’s the most cost effective use of your money and the one that’s most likely to be successful.

Spending £1000s freezing poor quality eggs that may not hatch is a waste.

Tibtab · 19/07/2022 19:30

Rosie212 · 19/07/2022 19:06

Do you think I should be saying I want to TTC now and if it’s not sure then I’m off for a sleep donor ? Or should I give it more time ? We’d talked about maybe TTC from oct but hes 75% there and obviously has lots of uncertainty

He’s going to keep kicking the can down the road until it’s too late for you. Sounds like October is just an arbitrary date in the future, what happens if he 80% by October, then he says he needs until March?

Perple · 19/07/2022 19:35

My understanding is that with modern techniques embryo freezing isn’t massively Bette than egg freezing but do your own research on that!

Debbiedoodah · 19/07/2022 19:38

You do realise how low the probability is for a successful birth from freezing eggs, right?

It's only 1% of all eggs frozen.

Why is October so special anyway? You're fooling yourself if you think three months will make any difference, it's just wasted time. Stop being so wet, dump him and focus on IVF.

SylvanianFrenemies · 19/07/2022 19:41

Give it til October.
Start researching your other options now, book appointments for November if that makes sense.