Single and planning to conceive...am I selfish?

[Totorotoes]

Hello
I'm 40, single and childless. I've always wanted a family but it never happened for me. I'm financially secure and otherwise settled.
I'm thinking of having a child using donor sperm. But I'm battling with a feeling that this is a purely selfish act, to plan to bring a child into the world who won't have another parent figure and who may struggle to accept how they were conceived. But if I dont do it, I may regret this forever.
I am aware that many other people are single mothers by choice, and curiously I don't ever think they are selfish or wrong, I think I judge myself a lot more harshly and maybe over-think things. But still, I need to be sure!
Am I being selfish? And if so, should I do it anyway? I looked into adoption but for various reasons I don't think I can do it.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I won't be bringing a life into the world just to mess it up, but any opinions are welcome! Thanks in advance.

I don’t think it’s any more or less selfish than having a child at all. I wish you well.

In your shoes I would do this without hesitation. Lots of marriages split up after all. Have you got family support?

I would think it is. My reasons are because parenting can feel relentless even if it isn't difficult and if you don't have another consistent figure of support for the child, there would be no one else for either of you. That wouldn't mean messing anyone's life up but would make things much harder than they need to be. Disclaimer I also think it selfish to have only one child, but that's only because of my line of work. But as above we don't know your whole story, and plenty of children are born into all sorts of situations. I don't think this is something you'll ever feel sure about and many people don't! If you're going to do it, you might as well while you still have time on your side 🙂

Good luck.

Yes it's very selfish. The world is overpopulated and you are simply thinking of your own wants and desires, not the needs of a child.

This is true of any birth of course. I have come to realise the innate need to be a mother is real, as I never wanted children and once I had one I now regret not having more.

It's a shame that as women are not instilled with the wherewithal to get a good partner and spend some of our youth bringing up a family and building a stable home for children. It's a shame because it creates situations like yours, and I was almost the same.

But if your guilt is stemming from the notion that a child needs a mum and dad I'm sorry I can't counter that.

The first few years are very easy if you go back to basics. Focus on the baby, spend all the time you have with them, feed them, love them, stroke their head (this actually has a positive impact on the brain), love them, sleep by them, and let them feel safe. It's really the only thing they need. They don't want to be in a nursery or away from their mother. They want one thing; to be with you.

When they get older the influence of both parents becomes ambiguous. I could give you reems of anecdotal evidence of all the situations I've been in and seen, but if you are going to provide for that child (and I do mean emotionally, finance doesn't have to come into it. Growing up poor and loved is absolutely find) then you can go for it knowing you are providing that child the best start in life.

I don't think what you want to do is wrong, as long as you have the capacity to give this child everything it needs. A loving family around you would greatly help.

I'm attempting to be honest and positive, and not to lie to you in any way.

Sorry I went on a tangent. While I can't counter that the ideal set up for a child is a mum and a dad with their unique spheres of influence and capacity pertaining to their sex and gender role, it is still possible to bring up a happy and well adjusted person with just one.

It may take more time to adjust though, I was brought up by a single parent and the innate aching need for the missing parent was there, with no prompting. But I think you can do enough to mitigate this if you give the child what they need. They need boundaries, rules, discipline (no connotations towards punishment, I mean being disciplined in the literal sense), and love.

My husband is invaluable to our family. Some of the reason for that is my own shortcomings. I know I did an excellent job with my baby alone (my husband was added later), as my child was a baby and like I said, they only need the closeness of their mother for some time.

But bringing up the toddler and defiant child alone? I, personally, would not have done a good job. That's me. That doesn't have to be you, but you may want to think about it, because if I was alone with her, things would be very, very different.

I don’t think you would be being selfish at all and I’m genuinely surprised at the suggestions that you would be!

The only thing I would say is that I imagine it would be very hard work so just prepare yourself for that, do you have other support around you?

I don’t think you would regret the decision though even if you found it tough, whereas you could end up regretting it if you don’t go for it. Good luck!

No more selfish than anybody else who wants to have a child.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the honesty! I am glad there are arguments for and against as it will help me explore this more thoroughly.
Just to say, I do have a very good support network and I have close family and friends on hand, some know I am considering this and are supportive but I haven't told many yet until I make a decision.
I just don't want to live a life of regret, and I feel like I will if I don't try. But I don't want to screw up a child's life either!

Yes I’d say you are selfish, but then I think almost everyone who chooses to have a child or not have a child is doing it for selfish reasons: because it’s what they want to do. In that respect I don’t think being selfish is a bad thing. I’d look into the Donor Conception Network and see if they have any resources which help you or could you seek preconception counselling elsewhere. No one can say if the children you conceive with donor sperm will be perfectly happy having known no other option or will miss having another parent and a tangible connection to their biological history. There’s plenty of testimony both ways, but none of those reporting is your child.

In a word, yes.
Having children is generally a pretty "selfish" act (in that people do it for themselves), but doing it single, at 40 with donor sperm adds a bunch of additional problems with the only benefit being that you get what you want without having to do the work of finding and maintaining a stable relationship.

I'm not trying to be mean, I just can't see how it could be described as anything else.

Yes.

@ToiletPoster2 I'm not disagreeing with you, and I appreciate your general point, but it's not true that I'm avoiding putting in the work to find/maintain a relationship. I've tried really hard on both counts, but it hasn't happened, or at least not with someone I could start a family with. Even if it had, I'm gay so would still need to go down the donor sperm route if I wanted to conceive.

@toastofthetown thank you, I will look at Donor Conception Network.
Appreciate all of you replying, whatever your answer is! Thank you

I don't think you are selfish and I think I would do it if I was in you position. Maybe in time there will be an app for people to co-parent together who knows! I couldn't find European stats just EU. Overall though our fertility rate and therefore population is in decline. ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Fertility_statistics
UK is 1.65 so we need babies!

Its true that many parents couples separate, but at least the child knows who their father is, can have contact with father, and a longterm relationship. If your child is a boy, I believe its very important for boys to have a male role model.

My father died when I was 10. At least I knew and remember him and grew up with a very clear sense of who he was and that primary close relationship with a man. My sister was too young to remember him at all and that gap in her emotional development socially damaged her for life.In effect, she never grew up. In all adult relationships with men, she played the part of a small child; you can imagine where that led :-(

So yes, I do think it is selfish to deliberately impose fatherlessness on a child. Quite apart from how difficult single-parenting is , and the lack of a backstop if you fall by the wayside. I know how hard single parenting is from my mother; and she was an exceptionally strong woman earning a good living.

@2bazookas I am so sorry to hear about your father. Thank you for sharing your experience here x

@De88 out of curiosity, what line of work are you in that makes you think only having one child is selfish?

Toto, you mention "putting in the work to find/maintain a relationship. I've tried really hard on both counts, but it hasn't happened,"

The thing is, parenting isn't any easier than relationships with adults. It's really hard, because we have total responsibility. When problems arise, we can't expect the child to help work out a solution. It's all on us. If there are two parents, at least one can hold the fort while the other takes a break . . A lone parent has no back-up, no co-parent to take the strain when it becomes unbearable.
If you find it hard to maintain and sustain one-to one relationships with adults, you will find it even harder one-to-one at the end of your tether with a tantrumming 2 yr old, a hormonal teenager.

@2bazookas I think this is a slightly different point. Starting relationships/ finding suitable partners (not many gay fish in this pond) may be difficult for me, and I may not have found my soulmate yet, but I don't think this rules me out of parenting, as I really don't think being single necessarily points to laziness/ character fault in me. And I have a good circle of long term friends who I think would agree with me.
However, you are right that not having a partner would be much harder and I'm sure any single parent will struggle with not being able to take time out, regardless of the reason they are a single parent. And that does give me something to think about!

Seconded with the network. I very nearly went down the same route then unexpectedly met someone.

It’s not selfish. It’s your in built instinct. Go get your baby! 😀

I agree, go get your baby. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. You will love them so much.I nearly missed out on having children but then I did and they make me so happy. I hope you are able to conceive and fulfil your wish.😀

If you know that you can support a child emotionally and financially then I also know two single Mums IRL who adopted and have given their children wonderful lives. They are professional women who simply didn’t meet the right person by their 40’s.

*meant to say then I don’t think you’re any more selfish than the rest of us who decide to have children.

This isn't quite what you were asking ... But I would caution you that trying to conceive and being pregnant when 40 can be very difficult. I think many of us appreciate this theoretically but the actual lived experience of it can be harder than you can imagine.

You could be lucky and get pregnant first try, but at 40 this is less likely and there is something strangely psychologically torturous about trying to conceive unsuccessfully - tracking ovulation, the two-week wait, the disappointment when it doesn't work, and you're on to another month of trying. Then, when (if) you are successful, it is worth reading up on miscarriage statistics when you are in your 40s just to prepare you. Some studies say it can be as high as 50%. And a miscarriage is a truly dreadful thing to go through when you have a loving, supportive partner by your side; I can't imagine how difficult it would be if single. You will also have a much higher chance of conceiving a child with chromosomal abnormalities and facing the very difficult choice of termination for medical reasons or raising a disabled child alone. You're also more likely to struggle with a natural birth and suffer birth injuries or face an emergency c-section. And all this before all the struggles of child-raising, which you'll be facing alone in your 40s and 50s.

I don't mean to scaremonger. I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't try if this is the only way you think you can be happy, and if the 'what if' would always haunt you. You should try. And plenty of women conceive first time aged 40 and go on to have uncomplicated pregnancies and births. But it is much less likely at 40 than 28.

I started trying for a baby when I was 39. I had a naive view that: 'it'll either happen or it won't happen - we'll try it and see and if it doesn't happen, then it'll have put the question to rest'. I didn't realise what a lot of heartbreak there can be between 'happening' and 'not happening'.

I am now 20 weeks pregnant and very happy, but this is after a loss at 10 weeks. The process has taken over my life for the last year. I was lucky that I conceived relatively quickly, but I still found it a very hard road.