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Conception

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Original poster

Single and planning to conceive...am I selfish?

63 replies

Totorotoes · 20/04/2022 07:45

Hello
I'm 40, single and childless. I've always wanted a family but it never happened for me. I'm financially secure and otherwise settled.
I'm thinking of having a child using donor sperm. But I'm battling with a feeling that this is a purely selfish act, to plan to bring a child into the world who won't have another parent figure and who may struggle to accept how they were conceived. But if I dont do it, I may regret this forever.
I am aware that many other people are single mothers by choice, and curiously I don't ever think they are selfish or wrong, I think I judge myself a lot more harshly and maybe over-think things. But still, I need to be sure!
Am I being selfish? And if so, should I do it anyway? I looked into adoption but for various reasons I don't think I can do it.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I won't be bringing a life into the world just to mess it up, but any opinions are welcome! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Chilliandchocolate · 20/04/2022 20:07

I’m not sure not trying at all because the disappointment is too crushing if you don’t succeed is a reason for not trying.

Isonthecase · 20/04/2022 20:13

I have a friend who did this alone but with a lot of family support nearby. She has said the hardest bit is having to make decisions for the child by herself, physically speaking of you have involved family nearby it's probably a similar level of difficult to parenting with someone who works away a fair bit. Nothing in having kids is easy and it's ultimately a selfish act however you have them.

cunningplan101 · 20/04/2022 20:27

@Chilliandchocolate In case your reply was directed at me - well yes, you could well argue that it would be a reason to start trying as soon as possible because it is only going to get harder.

And I specifically said in my post that I wasn't saying the OP shouldn't try. I am just saying that, while the word 'trying' sounds so awfully benign, and like TTC is something you can succeed at if you only put in enough effort, the reality is that TTC when you're 40 can be one of the hardest things a woman can put herself through. So it's worth really researching the realities of the process as well as the morality of it.

And I do think that describing a miscarriage or termination for medical reasons, as "disappointment" is rather flippant.

Countdownis35 · 20/04/2022 20:35

If your going to do it OP you do it. But I dont think you should compare your situation to single mothers though I think it's a bit insulting because the majority did not CHOOSE especially for their 1st pregnancy.

It's a totally different scenario to what you would be in. I know my child's father and secondly I get support finicially and even though our childcare arrangements have been rocky at times I know him and My DC does too... DC has 2 sides of the family to bond with.

sjxoxo · 20/04/2022 20:49

I don’t think you’re selfish but I do think you’re mad to take on the workload by yourself.. don’t underestimate how relentless it is especially when they are small and totally dependent on you. Not just the physical part but also carrying the ‘worry’ by yourself. I wouldn’t have a baby on my own or even if I thought I would probably end up doing it alone, for this reason. x

Sunnytwobridges · 20/04/2022 20:53

Chilliandchocolate · 20/04/2022 07:47

I don’t think it’s any more or less selfish than having a child at all. I wish you well.

Agreed. I think it would only be selfish if you couldn't afford to raise the child or you had severe mental issues or something.

Chilliandchocolate · 20/04/2022 20:56

maybe not the best choice of words but I honestly can’t understand the mentality that because something might not happen you shouldn’t even try.

fwiw I was typing in a rush because wrangling with 16 month old DS, born when I was 40

De88 · 20/04/2022 20:57

lemons44 · 20/04/2022 16:46

@De88 out of curiosity, what line of work are you in that makes you think only having one child is selfish?

Palliative care, but predominantly spent my whole career working with older people.

Newmum110 · 20/04/2022 21:36

The most important thing you can give your child is love and it seems that you will have plenty to give. Many children are born into one parent families for a variety of reasons and they live wonderful fulfilled lives.
Some posters are suggesting that you should have a partner in order to have a baby, better to go it alone then have a baby in bad relationship.
Other support (family/friends) is key and you say you have that so you are already in a good place.

cunningplan101 · 20/04/2022 22:12

@Chilliandchocolate I think maybe you didn't read the whole of my post? As I specifically did not say OP shouldn't try. I actually said she should try, if she cannot be happy without a child.

Anyway, I don't want to derail this thread. I just wanted to make the point that it is not as easy as- 'try or you'll never know'. Because trying can change you. Some experiences do that. Having a miscarriage can be one of them. It's not like you go: 'oh well, I tried my best, shame it didn't work out’. That’s all I'm trying to get across. Yes of course I’m happy that I’m now pregnant and will hopefully go on and have a healthy baby. But I’ll never forget the pregnancy I lost, or what it was like to need emergency surgery because the miscarriage was incomplete, and my husband holding my hand while they did the procedure, while I was suffering heavy blood loss. And that was after I conceived quickly. I imagine it might have been even harder if, like the OP, I could only get pregnant through artificial insemination or IVF and then went on to have a loss, and had to deal with that by myself.

Of course, if humans only had babies when it was sensible, the human race would have died out long ago! And sometimes you have to just take the risk if you really want something. And hopefully the OP will never experience what I experienced. I only raised the point because it's not just about whether you're depriving a child of a second parent. It's whether you could cope with situations like that on your own. OP might be very strong and be able to do it. The thing is that it's hard to know before you're already in the middle of it. But I'm sorry - I don't mean to write scare stories - and I'm sorry if this wasn't appropriate for this thread.

Original poster

Totorotoes · 21/04/2022 07:48

I really appreciate all your comments. Thank you to everyone who has posted, of course I naturally prefer the positive comments but I am grateful to hear both sides as I firmly believe I need to be 100% certain and consider everything before committing to this.
@cunningplan101 I appreciate your honesty about your struggles to conceive, thank you, and you're right I do need to be aware of these things, and the risk of having a child with disabilities is part of my concern- I know I have to think seriously if I could manage in this situation, or with the emotional trauma of miscarriage.

OP posts:

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 21/04/2022 08:13

Just do it. I started at 40 and due to bad luck after bad luck after bad luck I'm still trying years later. Don't delay as you will regret it and be going through the heartache I am.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 21/04/2022 08:14

And to the babies need a mum and a dad posters The whole world isn't heterosexual you know.

ToiletPoster2 · 21/04/2022 10:49

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 21/04/2022 08:14

And to the babies need a mum and a dad posters The whole world isn't heterosexual you know.

Outcomes for single parents are worse on pretty much every front. That's only worth disregarding if you genuinely believe that most single parents are not trying to providing and nurturing for their children to the best of their ability (for the record, I do not believe that).

I don't think anyone was talking about himosexual aorents, but I do believe that there are social aspects related to being a man that a mother will not even be aware that she needs to teach/provide her son. Same as with a father to a daughter.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 21/04/2022 12:09

And I had two heterosexual parents who were emotionally neglectful and I'm very likely to adopt as I'm accepting that I won't conceive now and those children would be better off with a loving single parent than in care in most instances.

LittleDoveLove · 21/04/2022 15:13

I know two ladies who have done this. One very well and I know she's very happy and considering a second. The other has just had her child. It's your life OP best of luck with it if you decide to go ahead 😊

Skylark1990 · 21/04/2022 15:34

No you are not selfish to want a child. Wanting to give love and bring new life into the world isn't selfish, imo. Being a single parent will not mess up your child - all that child will need is love and a stable home. I was raised by a single mother as she and my father split before my birth. I was occasionally sad that my father wasn't around, but my mum did an amazing job, she is so strong, and it absolutely did not mess me up being raised by one parent. She was late 30s when she conceived me too, her only child.
Even if a child has only one parent or no siblings, they create other beautiful connections in life - with other family members, friends, and partners when they are older. A loving mother is a lot more than many people have in life - I say go for it, if this is your heart's desire :) x

Chilliandchocolate · 21/04/2022 15:38

Those stats are actually not true when it’s a single mother by choice @ToiletPoster2

the major driving factor in poor outcomes for children are driven by poverty, and even poverty has minimal power when the mother is educated to degree level.

ToiletPoster2 · 21/04/2022 18:34

Chilliandchocolate · 21/04/2022 15:38

Those stats are actually not true when it’s a single mother by choice @ToiletPoster2

the major driving factor in poor outcomes for children are driven by poverty, and even poverty has minimal power when the mother is educated to degree level.

That's interesting.
Do you have your sources to hand by any chance?

Kaznet · 23/04/2022 04:26

After a year of varies delays and iui's I did ivf and found out I was pregnant on my 41st birthday (with twins) one twin didn't develop, then other was born healthy. I did not get the embryos genetically tested that time. I still had embryos left over and decided before putting another in I'd do the testing. 1/2 we're normal 1/2 we're not. I Put one in and am pregnant again at 45. Not the ideal age to be pregnant but my point is if you are doing ivf you have more ways to prevent miscarriage. The miscarriage statistics are pretty bad for over 40's but a large part of that is you have more eggs that are genetically abnormal in your 40's
I definitely went through a thought process before deciding to go it alone. So happy I did.
Things that affected my decision were my life view that you've won the biggest lottery just to be alive.
Two parents isn't always better than one , depending on the parents.
As far as how hard it is after seeing various situations it's easier to do it along than do it with the wrong person.
Good luck

MintJulia · 23/04/2022 04:43

OP, I don't think you are selfish at all.

I have a dc by my ex partner. We were together eight years. When dc was born, partner changed, assumed he had got himself a housekeeper for life because I 'couldn't leave now I had a child' etc.
it took me two years to leave and rebuild job/home/finances.
Ex didn't change a nappy, get up at night, buy a pair of shoes etc.He sees dc but doesn't take him anywhere or do any parenting.
You are financially secure. If you have a child, there is no chance of a wayward partner leaving, disrupting the family unit, causing hurt, forcing the sale of your home etc. You can provide a MORE secure home than someone in a marriage.
You need to commit to staying fit and healthy for 20 years which will take will power, and to accept that single parenting means absolutely no days off but otherwise go for it. Good luck.

PingPages · 23/04/2022 04:50

I think if you have thought it through, have a good network who have said they’ll be there for you (when you tell them), then go for it. Everyone having kids is doing it for selfish reasons (obviously excluding unplanned pregnancies), they want a baby. That doesn’t change just because you’re not in a relationship and there’s nothing wrong with that.

if you are desperate for a child and would regret not having one, then do it. It might be tough alone, though, so go in to it eyes wide open! Best of luck

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 23/04/2022 05:15

Plenty of people both children and adults only have one parent, it’s not selfish at all.

coffy11 · 23/04/2022 05:20

Not selfish at all. I had planned to do this before I met my dh.

notwhatineednow · 23/04/2022 05:37

Go for it. I know two women who did this at 40 and are very happy that they did.

Please use an official route for sperm donation though. There are some really dodgy, abusive men in the world of unofficial sperm donation. Please don't go anywhere near them.

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