37 and regret not trying for baby earlier

[Twelvestars]

Hi ladies.

This is my first time posting here or perhaps on any online forum. I’ve been wanting to discuss my feelings (of regret) but not sure if I was ready to do so with my friends or family. Perhaps avoiding the “I told you so...” type comments or a look of pity or energy filled with pressure to have a baby NOW (as if it were a button one could press).

Speaking of which... I foolishly thought (or convinced myself) that it was that easy, like a button I would press whenever I wanted to have a baby. Of course, reality is not like that...

My husband (42) and I have been married for 5 years and always knew we wanted kids but kept putting it off as husband was building career and travelled a lot for work... and yes we wanted to enjoy our time solo, together alone just the two of us.

Then one day recently it’s like something happened and I realized I’m 37 (though I feel 27 inside). And it hit me... perhaps that train hasjust passed? I don’t know...

We started trying last month and I’ve been using the Clear Blue digital ovulation test (pink ones) which has never shown me that smiley face. Yet we tried within the predicted fertility window, only for me to get my period 3 days ago. Sigh.

I know at my age I can’t expect to get pregnant within a month or two or even six...

I was at the Gyno back in June and he did an ultrasound and all seemed well. Asked me to start trying and come back in October if nothing happened. But we never started trying until January 2020. So much wasted time... I can blame it on covid and before covid on other circumstances or choices we have made, but then what?

Then I find myself in this vicious cycle of blaming myself all day and night long, this voice in my head that perhaps if we had tried in 2016 or 2017 we’d have a baby or two by now... too little too late.

Sorry if that was a bit too long and thank you for whoever has taken the time to read this. Makes me feel heard and less alone.

Let it go OP! You can't change the past, but you can give yourselves the best chance of conception now. 37 is NOT too old for most women and many go on to have babies into their 40s. You could easily have two or even more DC, so stop blaming and regretting and just focus on the business of getting pregnant, which includes being and maintaining a healthy weight, cutting back/giving up any bad habits like smoking and drinking, taking conception vitamins, eating plenty of fruit and veg, getting enough sleep and reducing worry/stress in your life inc. stressing about why you didn't try earlier! Oh and have plenty of sex - every other day from the end of your period for at least 10 days (for a standard length cycle). Good luck!

Hello OP! I didn't start TTC until I was 36 heading on 37. I had what I guess was a chemical pregnancy first and miscarried. That was just before I turned 37. However, we started trying again a few months later and I conceived in the second month. DD was born when I was 38. You're not too late! I hope it all works out for you

I understand, OP.

Slightly different situation, as I'm in a same sex relationship and so we would have always needed intervention. Same sort of age as you.

.I was saying to DW a few nights ago, we should have just started a few years ago. We should have just accepted x, y and z - like not having enough money, not having enough space etc. Yes, we could have made it work I suppose, but it would have been really really tough. Yes, the time gone by may mean we struggle, but we made the decision to delay based on real life situations and as the saying goes, you can't go forward if you're always looking back.

Good luck x

Morning
I'm 38wks this week.
I understand the regret side of what could have been/what you should have done. My OH and I spoke about children quite early in the relationship, partly due to our ages. He's someone I went out with at school when we were 15, reconnected on Facebook, went for coffee, never looked back.
Anyway we went round and round the baby conversation neither of us really ruling it out. Then covid happened and we spent so much time together, hes been furloughed for most of it. And its been really good for us. I can't imagine being in lockdown with anyone else. He's such good company.
I just said one day that wanting a baby hadn't gone away. If we didn't try I was worried I'd regret it but if we tried and it didn't happen by the time we were whatever age, I'd be disappointed but at least we'd have tried.
And here I am pregnant just waiting for her to arrive. I'm on a forum for Feb birth and there are lots of 'older' mums on there. Its alot more common to be having first babies in mid to late 30s or early 40s than it was.
But you can't go back so try not to be too hard on yourself x

I know where youre coming from!

DH and I never really discussed children in depth. We said it would be nice one day. We got engaged, bought a house, got married and did everything we wanted to do. We went on all the holidays we wanted to and built up good careers.

When I came off the pill almost 3 years ago (for other medical reasons, not TTC) we said, if we get pregnant then its fine but we werent trying.
Fast forward and I hit 36. No children and no sign of anything happening either despite no forms of contraception.

It hit me like a brick to the face. All of my friends and family have children. Im the only one who doesnt and suddenly I realised how much I want to be a mum.

We have been trying for a while now and nothing. We have both had tests run at the doctors and except my progesterone levels, nothing is abnormal so we are in the process of being referred.

Do I regret not trying earlier?
Yes.

Would it have made any difference to try sooner?
Probably not no.

Would I be happy if I had a child earlier and not done the things I have with my life?
No.
We have done so much as a couple. We have travelled alot and seen amazing places and cultures. I wouldnt change that for the world to be honest. Its given us the US time if that makes sense, something you dont get so much with a child.
Selfish some might say but everyone is different.

We will keep trying and await the referral and go from there.
Thats all I can do and keep fingers crossed.

@honkytonkheroe I have PCOS too but very regular periods and have been going to the Gyno regularly for checkups and blood tests. So like you said, if you did it then perhaps I have hope! Congrats I am very happy for you!

@SoEverybodyDance you’re right... 37 is late and I know it and that’s why I’ve been beating myself up. I feel that I wasted precious time when I could’ve been more proactive. I just kept postponing this with excuse after excuse until it hit me that I’m 37! I have yet to come to terms with this number as I truly feel much younger inside and when I look in the mirror. It’s kind of like my mirror kind of tricked me into this false sense of safety.

I feel this forum will help me a lot connect with women of similar circumstances/experiences. And I will keep positive as you said... congrats on your DC ❤️

@samandpoppysmummy yay that’s amazing! Bless your little ones

@Aozora13 yes the stats are kind of misleading...

This article I found particularly insightful on the stats and how outdated they’ve been. It puts things in perspective regarding 35+ women trying or wanting to try for babies. Based on this, prospects are not so bleak after all.

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/?single_page=true

@Twelvestars

Do not despair
I had my babies at 36 and 39

Just be patient and let it happen and I'd say give it at least a year

X

@SweetShopSurprise I feel your angst... I went through phases of intensely wanting babies to vehemently not wanting them and just wanting to live my life but also worried about bringing children into this world. I don’t know...

Anyways I hope you don’t have endometriosis or anything serious that might impede your quest for motherhood. The fact you’re 33 (34 soon) is very hopeful and your chances should be fairly good and if there’s anything wrong, you have enough time to investigate and mitigate.

All the best to you x

@lottiegarbanzo yes you’re right and speaking of stats, I just shared a link to an article that I found very interesting in that it sheds light on how outdated much of the fertility stats are for women. Here it is:

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/?single_page=true

My SIL has her first at 40 and second at 43. If the obgyn doesn’t see any issues, just keep trying.

I won’t lie, it can take a long time. It took three years for us to get DD1. But for dd2 it was only 4 months of attempts.

@zafferana I know I should let it go... I know that but sometimes it’s very difficult. I go through ups and downs in one day.

Anyways I’m doing all I can in terms of vitamins and going back to exercise as of today.

Ok, take a step back. Nothing bad has happened yet. I got pregnant with my first at 36 had a miscarriage and the next was 37, fell after 4 months. Second baby I was 39 and took 10 months but here I am now with 2 babies, almost 40 and no regrets. Keep going, try and be positive until you have a reason not to be. Good luck with it all. If you want some advice (sorry if you don't) I used SMEP method after 9 months of trying and fell on the 10th with that so give it a go :-)

@mummaminnie this is another story that fills my heart with joy! I am so happy for you ❤️

@Twelvestars 37 is not that old ,you are more likely to conceive that not within a year. The best thing you can buy is this book and these supplements.

@AfterEightAnyTime this is so true and hits home what you said “you can't go forward if you're always looking back”

Good luck and with this positive mindset that you have I am sure it will work out for both of you 🙏🏻

@Mochatatts I am glad you tried and it paid off! Congrats in advance as I understand you’re due very soon.

@Flutterby8 Hey! Reading your post was like almost reading about me and hubby. We fell in love and got married within 7 months and in the past 5 years bought a house, focused on career, travelled the world, built so many memories, unforgettable nights out and laughs with friends....

And then suddenly one day I awoke and realized that I was 37. What’s even funnier is that my husband wasn’t aware of the fact that he’s also 42 cause he wanted us to wait a few more months to see what happens with the whole covid-19 situation! I was like “hey, we are not getting any younger and though we feel young at heart, our reproductive systems are not so young LET’S GET ON IT!”

Anyways, what you and all the lovely women here have been saying about shaking off the regret, moving forward rather than looking back, it all makes sense and it’s what should be done! But it’s sometimes not that straightforward. I am trying to come to terms with my choices of delaying motherhood... and it’s a bit bumpy.

Bless your relationship with your husband because as you said, while you delayed your parenthood plans, you still had the time and years to build your connection and intensify it. And that is worth everything.

Goodluck with the baby plans. I don’t know how one can keep in touch with the women here but I would love to know how it all pans out! X

@Twelvestars I know this is an old thread, but just wanted to say thanks for it- I really relate to the feelings and situation you described and reading through all the responses and positive stories has given me so much hope this morning. Hope you're doing well x

It has been 4 years since this post. I really truly thought that I wouldn’t be able to conceive. But I have. And naturally and with little effort. Each conceived probably around the 3rd or 4th month of trying. Two beautiful boys. A naughty smart ass 3 year old and the youngest a week old currently breastfeeding as I write this. I am 41 years old.

There is hope… it’s never too late. This is for any woman feeling down or defeated or like it’s her fault. You are perfect just the way you are and what is meant to be will be.

Thank you for coming back to update @Twelvestars I find these types of posts where people have worries but then were successful in the end so incredibly uplifting!

I agree, thank you for coming back to update. I am currently 37, and I'm blessed to have 2 children already but when I was very young so they are now 19 and 15. It has taken us until 2 months ago to decide about trying for a third, and I've been really sad in case I've left it too late. DP is older than me too, and I also have PCOS and this month I'm on CD19 and still ovulation tests are negative.
Can I ask @Twelvestars did you ever get a positive on the ovulation testing? and congrats xx

I love that you came back and updated this thread, congratulations on your beautiful little family!

I truly believe that things happen for a reason and at the exact time that they are meant to happen. I had my first DD at 37 and now coming up to 33 weeks with DD2 at 42 years old! I wouldn't change the timing for anything.