37 and regret not trying for baby earlier

[Twelvestars]

Hi ladies.

This is my first time posting here or perhaps on any online forum. I’ve been wanting to discuss my feelings (of regret) but not sure if I was ready to do so with my friends or family. Perhaps avoiding the “I told you so...” type comments or a look of pity or energy filled with pressure to have a baby NOW (as if it were a button one could press).

Speaking of which... I foolishly thought (or convinced myself) that it was that easy, like a button I would press whenever I wanted to have a baby. Of course, reality is not like that...

My husband (42) and I have been married for 5 years and always knew we wanted kids but kept putting it off as husband was building career and travelled a lot for work... and yes we wanted to enjoy our time solo, together alone just the two of us.

Then one day recently it’s like something happened and I realized I’m 37 (though I feel 27 inside). And it hit me... perhaps that train hasjust passed? I don’t know...

We started trying last month and I’ve been using the Clear Blue digital ovulation test (pink ones) which has never shown me that smiley face. Yet we tried within the predicted fertility window, only for me to get my period 3 days ago. Sigh.

I know at my age I can’t expect to get pregnant within a month or two or even six...

I was at the Gyno back in June and he did an ultrasound and all seemed well. Asked me to start trying and come back in October if nothing happened. But we never started trying until January 2020. So much wasted time... I can blame it on covid and before covid on other circumstances or choices we have made, but then what?

Then I find myself in this vicious cycle of blaming myself all day and night long, this voice in my head that perhaps if we had tried in 2016 or 2017 we’d have a baby or two by now... too little too late.

Sorry if that was a bit too long and thank you for whoever has taken the time to read this. Makes me feel heard and less alone.

Evening,

I obviously don't know the ins and outs of you and your partners abilities in regards to conception.
I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd, conceived immediately after coming off the pill last year at age 38 (now 39) I have 2 older children 13 and 9 and OH has 2 aged 11 and 9. So its not impossible to get pregnant at our age.
My OH doesn't have the healthiest lifestyle either. He's a smoker, likes a few beers after work, avoids fruit and veg, usually works 60+ hours a week as a chef. So on paper not the best chance of conceiving but it still happened.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you both. Sending hugs x

@Twelvestars I hear you, I had my first ivf cycle last year at the age of 42 (solo, as I now can’t afford to wait for the right relationship any more). But you have to find a way to stop blaming yourself for decisions you made in the past, which were right for you at the time. Beating yourself up about things you can’t change will keep you in a state of stress which isn’t good for your brain or your body.
What can you do to let it go and focus on the present and future instead of the past? There’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to do this naturally, plenty of other women have. However some have also struggled . Will your GP do a blood test to check your AMH level so you can get an idea of your ovarian reserve? I can recommend ’It Starts With the Egg’ to read for tips on improving egg quality.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.

First congrats on your pregnancy and at 38/39. That’s just beautiful. How many weeks now?

I love reading such stories of women getting pregnant in their late 30s and early 40s as they are very inspiring.

It would be a blessing if we get pregnant soon with as little trouble and complications as possible. My issue is not only fear of not being able to conceive but also regret over what we should’ve / could’ve done a few years back ... trying for a baby when time was on our side. The what if’s and could haves... if you know what I mean.

Many hugs back x

I got engaged at 33, married at 35 and didn’t start trying for a baby until 37. So many people told me I’d left it too late, wasted time etc. I think we started trying in March and my GP said give it 6 mths and then I’ll refer you. I made the appointment with a fertility specialist in October and had to cancel it a couple of weeks later because I was pregnant. It took me no longer than most of my friends who had babies in their early 30s. And by the time my first turned one I was already 3 months pregnant with #2. Had them both before I turned 40.

The past is the past and you had your reasons. Just focus on the present and doing what you have control over now. All the best.

A sort of different tale here.

Married 2004 and started trying then. Spent years having miscarriage after miscarriage and even two failed rounds of IVF thrown in.

We were discharged 2017 with unexplained infertility.

2018 I fell pregnant with Dd age 37 and along she came.

2020 mid pandemic I realised my period was late and December arrived dd2 age 39.

So I suppose what I'm saying is I spent years worrying and trying and have two in later life. So don't waste energy worrying about what you didn't do, sometimes what happens happens.

Just look to the future and what you are doing now and see where you end up.

Sunbird24 you are right... this cycle of blame and self flagellation that goes on for the whole day and through the night needs to stop. It’s hard because it just recently hit me but I must find a way to make peace...

Goodluck with your IVF! I hope it’s been successful. That’s amazing you’re doing this at 42!

I’m in the same position as you except I was adamant I didn’t want children at all. Until I met my partner 3 years ago. I’ve been off the pill since June 2020 and we were going with an if it happens, it happens mindset. But since it seems like my periods are irregular, I’m actually going to need to pay a lot more attention to DTD consistently all month long while tracking ovulation using sticks and a wee microscope thing someone told me about on here. I’ve got Day 21 bloods booked for next week but as my cycle is longer, I’ve had to try and calculate it to my average date of suspected ovulation from the apps I use.

I’m 37 in a couple of months and I’m slightly afraid that there’s something wrong with me, although I’m trying to be a bit more positive in the hopes that’ll help. I had thoughts of it being karma that I was adamant a child was not in my future and when I changed my mind, it seemed like I was being punished by it being hard for me to conceive. Ive had the worry that my body is broken and won’t be able to do what it’s supposed to. But since New Year I’ve decided to stop the negative self talk. It’s not helping matters at all and it’s causing my mental health to decline. Which I’m sure you will probably recognise in yourself.

I take solace in the many threads on here showing that women can get pregnant naturally well into their 40’s. It seems a lot more common these days for mother’s to be slightly older. Don’t give up hope. I’ve been told to get a fertility MOT so that’s what I’m doing. There’s ways and means. You’re not alone x

Remaker Thats amazing. Your circumstances are quite similar to me and husband. I hope we have a similar outcome too. I’d love one or two babies before 40! That would be the dream come true. X

@Twelvestars so sorry you're feeling so stressed about it all......I think as soon as you make that decision to TTC....at whatever age.....suddenly piles o. The pressure!
I am currently 37 (just about to turn 38) and I've had a little baby, conceived second month of trying!
Make sure you take all the pre-natal bits etc & keep going with the OPKs .....I found they really worked! In my circle of friends so ma y of them have had babies in the last year & a half so plenty of people
Have them late 30s.
Best thing to do is to try & relax because if you're stressed it will have a negative impact!
Best of luck OP.....I'm sure you'll be pregnant before you know it! Xx

*vits

I got pregnant very quickly at 38. You haven't even been trying for a month yet, so don't start stressing and worrying. Take it easy for six months, see what happens and then start thinking seriously. I was so worried I wouldn't be able to get pregnant and then I was pregnant after one or two tries. I thought it was going to take at least a year or something as my periods are irregular.

You're worrying about something that is outside your control right now so why even give it headspace? Just see what happens.

pawivy Your story is so beautiful, it made me cry tears of joy (reminds of the SlowClub song) Seriously, your story is a testament to your patience, resilience but also very low lows... and then an unexpected high, two of them rather! Touch wood. Hugs x

FunkBus You’re absolutely right! So happy I joined this forum as it brought me together with women of my age who could give me such advice and positive outlook.

Also, excessive worry was one of the first symptoms of my pregnancy...so maybe get yourself a test...

I was suddenly so worried that I would never be able to have a baby (we stopped trying for a few weeks as I was working 16 hour days). I stressed and worried and panicked and then my period never came but I thought there was no way I could be pregnant. And yet I was!

@lookingforsomehelp many congrats on your baby 🥳 it’s so nice to meet so many women around my age or in my age group who have gone through or going through this.

I’ve been on my folliq4 and vit c/d (occasionally selenium and Zinc) and gonna go back to running and strength training (I stopped during December) and just trying to be relaxed and healthy in order to be at my best for this...

@FunkBus oh really! That is so cool! So it’s almost as if you had a reverse gut feeling!

I wish but O just got my period spot on time 3 days ago! At first it was a very light spotting so I thought to myself “could this be pregnancy spotting?” But then flow arrived and the rest is history haha

@Nouveau2021

I mean I can totally relate. You know, I went through a phase when I thought and loudly proclaimed that I did not want children. Back then, my perspective on life and love and children and parenthood was completely different to what it is now.

Before that in my mid to late 20s I so badly wanted to have babies (but the urge was soon gone cause anyways I was focused on my post graduate studies and career).

Anyways, I know what you mean about the mental health point you raise. Of course I have been dealing with it for months now, gnawing at me, that voice in my head never sparing me a moment... regret regret regret.

But I have taken steps and will continue to strive to keep myself mentally balanced and grounded (no matter the outcome) as I pursue my road to motherhood and these are the things I’ve been doing:

1- pick a hobby you love: I have a love for the arts, painting, crafts, DIYs

2- talk to someone who can relate: that’s why I registered on mumsnet

3- exercise: I will resume exercise tomorrow after the holiday hiatus because sports - no kidding - is such a mood booster in addition to the physical benefits.

Goodluck on your journey. I hope you keep us updated x

Yes, I'm the same. Started trying at 36, had lots of problems and investigations and around the age of 40 gave up. (My doc said I should focus on something else. Thanks doc!) I did kind of give up but also secretly I also took lots of supplements, had accupuncture, Chinese herbs and wheat grass daily. And had my DC at the age of 42. It is possible and enough women to do to make it worth trying...

My advice... Don't give up. Be positive (its really important) Do your research. Join an online group with similar women. Discuss, vent, cry with them (easier when it's not your family/friends) and crucially talk to them about research, interventions, good clinics, good doctors etc. There'll be lots of groups out there but the best ones will have women who are doing their own research and sharing it. Take supplements, consider chinese herbs, accupuncture and look into things like robitussin, it's a cough mixture that thins your mucus and enables sperm to live longer and travel further. I personally think that 37 is late but in many cases not too late especially if you get your body in shape.

Good luck, get busy...

I had my first baby at 37 and my second at 38 :)

DH and I were discussing the other day how, physically, it would have been a much better idea to have DC in our twenties when we were much less creaky! Then we laughed at how not remotely interested or ready for kids we were at that age.

In my social circle it’s the the norm to start a family in your 30s (or even 40s). I had mine at 35 and 37 and am pg again at 39. If you look at population-level stats yes fertility does decline, but you are an individual within those stats, just like my friend who needed ivf at 30 and my other friend who is about to have her first at 38.

You can’t change the past, and TTC can be tough, but just keep trying and keep talking and hopefully you’ll have your baby in your arms soon.

It has been one month - be kinder to yourself. Young doesn't necessarily mean easy. It took me a year of trying at 32.

I have PCOS and had fertility treatment for my first two children. I never had periods at all. Then at 40, I realised I was pregnant about 4 months in. If I can get pregnant, I really think your chances are very high.

@Twelvestars were you on hormonal contraception prior to deciding to ttc? It can take a while for your cycles to settle back down, give it time x

I hear you OP.

I never wanted children, in fact was vehemently against it until about a year ago. (I’m 33, 34 soon!) We started trying in November and no luck yet. Pink spotting this morning and AF is due today/ tomorrow so I know she’s on her way. I feel a bit heartbroken going into cycle 4 tbh, a bit like someone else said, like I’m being punished for not wanting them earlier.

I have suspected endometriosis and am waiting to be seen for that too and I worry that if we don’t get pregnant within the next year, or have severe complications/ end up being infertile that people will say ‘well you did leave it until you were 33 to start trying blah blah’ like it’s our fault.

It’s crap and stressful OP but like others said, we have to keep positive. FWIW, my friend had her 1st at 38 in her 4th month of trying and her second at 40, think that one took a bit longer but it happened! And it will for you too I’m sure!

Don’t beat yourself up about waiting until now, I’m trying not to. DH and I have done some amazing things and had a really fun life when a lot of my friends were doing the baby thing. We’ve enjoyed the first however many years of our relationship just us 2 and I don’t regret that.

I think if we’re not pregnant by cycle 6, we’re going to pay the £500 or whatever it is and have private fertility tests, just to rule out anything, as if something is wrong I’d rather know in the next couple of months than waste another 6 months TTC with something wrong. Maybe for peace of mind you could do similar after a few months if nothing’s happened? Though I think they say they want to see you after 6 months anyway if you’re over 35?

Anyway, don’t despair, it WILL happen for you, I’m sure of it!

The good news is that if you're trying for the first time, in your late 30s, your chances are much better than the statistics might suggest. That's because stats include a lot of people who've been trying for years and are still trying. Whereas, as a 'first timer', there's no reason to think there's anything wrong with you.

Of course if there are problems, you have less time to solve them. But you are 37 not 42 and that is a big difference.

So all you can do is get one with it and progress to seeking help reasonably quickly if it doesn't happen - which it sounds like you're already doing.

Good luck!