Bad childbirth experience with DD1 has put me off TTC. Help!

[babyduck]

I would love to have another baby but am really put off by memories from labour first time around. Am I being silly or has anyone else felt like this.

I hear you sister!! I had a third degree rip on dd1, was so freaked out i rejected her but through the wonderful midwives i got back to loving her very quickly. I was so upset that the other new mums were ok while i couldnt walk, sit or even go to the loo. I was a bloody mess, literally. I swore that she would be an only child as when i got home she turned into the colic baby from hell.
Major pnd, and then when dd1 was 14 mths, i found out i was preg , couldnt even remember 'doing it' lol. Anyway, was very upset but am delighted to report that i had an elective section due to the injury, and had another wonderful dd and we are so happy now that its like remembering someone elses life. Would i have number 3??? Are you mad !!!

Remember, this time round you will feel more in control, go for it, its so worth it

I totally understand what you are feeling. I had same problem and ended up discussing it with my GP. He was very supportive - apparently its not as uncommon as you would think. I was given a referral to a coginitive behaviourial therapist. I was sceptical, but it really did help - even just talking through what happened when I had dd. We then discussed what I could do differently and strategies I could put in place to make things better next time. Still TTC now but know I feel a lot happier/positive about labour/birth after seeking help.

I'm the same - My GP was also really supportive about addressing it, I also can't bear anyone (medical) to go 'down there' as I really tense up. Haven't considered further children but think CBT would definitely help.

Generaly second births are easier than the first, I had a tough first birth with forceps delivery, and was so sore from the episotomy. But a year and half later had second which was just as long but I did not need any stiches after! and the birth itself was easier only 2 big pushes! What a relief I remember asking the nurse "is this normal to feel so well after just giving birth!".

I then went on to have a home birth and another hospital birth which also were not as tough as the first. I think the first time is such a big shock to a woman emotionally and physically, that the next time round they are a well prepared for the worst and somehow it never seems as bad as they thought.

Although I do know a woman whos first birth was easier than the second. So that can happen too.

I think its worth a chance though, you have done it once, take strenght from that!!

Goodluck.

Thanks for the words of wisdom chaps. My DD is 2 in December so needless to say, people are constantly asking where number 2 is. Have been embarrassed to tell them about my worries.

I know that lots of people have found second time rounf easier with shorter labours. My first one was 60 hours, so anything less would be great.

Hopefully my fears wont make conception more difficuly once I pluck up the courage.

First was, on paper, not bad. However, I am not a bit of paper and I found it scary and tore quite badly and was not very well stitched. I felt a failure for the epidural and for feeling out of control/unable to cope with it.
With hindsight I was incredibly badly prepared. Had gaily thought that would be simple - after all, people give birth every day. So I hadn't really prepared myself for it really hurting Also hated the hospital bit.
Second time, prepared for a home labour. Went to ante-natal yoga classes. Did hypnobirthing. Got a tens machine and homeopathy kit.
In the end, did not have homebirth as no midwives, but did home labour to the extent that arrived at hospital fully dilated and ds was born less than an hour later. And then I went home as soon as stitched. Had gas and air and that was it and I felt completely brilliant afterwards. A 3 hour start to finish labour without any of the days of early labour I'd had with dd.
Was amazing and really cannot imagine not having another one day (not yet though - ds is 2 and I'm still enjoying jsut having 2).
I suppose what I'm really saying is that you can have 2 completely different births. Whether by accident (just nature being kinder and your body "knowing" what to do) or design (i.e. going for minimal intervention or c-section).

Just to let you know that you're not alone. I gave birth 25 weeks ago. Had a long labour, tried for a homebirth, dd stuck, rushed to hospital, 3 failed ventouse attempts, episiotomy and eventual emergency cs. There is not a day goes by when I don't have flashbacks or nightmares about it or feel like a failure. It's the loss of control. The thing is I want lots of children but can't even bear the idea of having sex, let alone conceiving again. It's a way in the future but I need to do something before that time comes. I don't want to go to my GP because I don't want him to label it as PND or not understand that I'm not depressed or not coping, just can't process the birth. The biggest decision I have made is that next time I'm having a doula, somebody who understands and can support me through it. Having further children is more important than my fears of subsequent labours but I don't want the birth of the next one marred by the memories of this one.

I have thought about a doula for next one as DH is is the army and will without doubt be away for the birth. I have also considered asking for an elective C-section although it would be harder to get home to DD1.

Dont worry Crow, it does get easier. I found the most important thing was being able to talk about it with DH. We both still talk about it now and although it still upsets us it is easier. I too feel that my desire to have more children outweighs the fears and I am sure that once pregnant I will be ok, its just taking that plunge which is difficult.

Oh yes, first time was so traumatic I couldn't stop thinking about it for months and each time i thought about it was filled with terror. I had pre-eclampsia too which meant I had to be induced, absolute agony and a harsh midwife. I didn't feel normal for ages and was still on blood pressure tablets for a few weeks after.
The second time was great though, no probs, labour was hour and a half and I didn't think i was in labour because it wasn't hurting as much as the first time. I'd definitely do it again based on the second experience. If I hadnt gone for it a second time I would have thought childbirth was the worst thing ever.

I had a really bad child birth experience with DD!. She ended up being an emergency ceasarian section. She was also very close to death, she was very distressed, and was a very blue baby when she was born.

I vowed I would never have another baby again! To cut a long stoty short - I now have 3 gorgeous DDs.

Ispoke to the midwife before getting pregnant, and we spoke about DDS horrible birth, obviously she couldnt promise me that it wouldnt happen again, but did say I would be monitored very closely - and they did!

Also, my 2nd delivery was a normal delivery (even though I had had a section previously) I enjoyed it so much, I went for a third!

Thanks everyone. I feel much better about the prospect of another baby. It was getting to the point that DH and I were coming up with excuses of why now is not a good time to TTC. We both realise that it is probably nerves rather than genuine reasons not to try.

It might be worth also getting hold of your notes and asking your midwife (if they are still around) to go through them as they can explain why things were done a certain way etc...

Hi there to you all,

I am so sorry to read the awful things that you've been through. I have no wise words to offer as I've never suffered the way you have, but I did wonder if you know about these organisations. They both aim to help and support Mums who have been traumatised by birth for whatever reason.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

www.sheilakitzinger.com/birthcrisis.htm

I can't say if one is better than the other, I think it's down to what suits the individual.
HTH,

Kath