Trying to conceive baby No 1 over 40

[October1979]

I am 40 nearly 41 and ttc baby no1. I fell pregnant for the first time in December but suffered a missed miscarriage at 8 1/2 weeks in February. I've been trying ever since with no luck. I use Clearblue advanced fertility monitor. Take vitamin B, C and Co Q10 as well as pre conception tablets daily. Until lockdown I did weekly acupuncture. I guess I'm feeling low as af turned up today and I turn 41 very soon.

I am usually positive and hopeful. Trying to think what's for me won't go past me...

Looking for some buddies in the same boat or some over 40s who conceived naturally to give me hope and share their secret to success.

@Geriatric1234 I can completely relate to your post. I feel so indecisive. One minute I think about the positives - lots of women my age (41) get pregnant, what a joy it is etc. The next minute I think of the possibilities of things going wrong. I've had a m/c so I know how upsetting it is. I don't know how I'd cope with another, or god forbid anything even more distressing. I have also been back and forth about the vaccine - it's like a game of tennis in my head! I think I'm particularly disheartened atm as I really 'felt' pregnant last month and the disappointment of af arriving was palpable.
I have had day 3 and 21 (well, actually 24) tests and the Gp is calling me about them in two weeks. The receptionist told me today that all it says on the system is 'borderline.' Borderline what I don't know! Sorry too for the negative vent but I just want to say I can relate!

Thank you @Tweaker! Gawd it feels good to know other people have the same internal conflicts! Getting pregnant feels like the first step on a very high ladder, one that I’m quite scared to climb. Given I didn’t meet my OH until late, I’d always operated on the basis I wouldn’t have kids so this feels pretty wild!

Blood tests tomorrow to check my MC doesn’t have obvious reason. Mine was at 6.5 weeks so was sad but not too traumatic but I certainly don’t want to have endless MCs.

Why are you having to wait two weeks if they already know results? That feels unnecessarily beaurocratic! And especially unkind given what the receptionist has told you. I’d just be worrying, even if there’s probably no reason.

It is so stressful. Feels good to vent to others who get it!!

Exactly - 'the first step on a very high ladder' is a good way of putting it. If I just focus on the wanting-to-have-a-baby bit then I'll feel ok, just worried about my chances. If I think about the whole journey I freak out a bit....I suspect that if I saw a positive on a pregnancy test I would initially be ecstatic then the fear would kick in.
I have to wait two weeks as that's the next available appointment. It is frustrating, waiting, but I completely understand that there are way more pressing things for them to be dealing with so I'm philosophical about it. I'm going to really go for it this month whilst I still have hope!

Update from me. Pregnancy tests have gradually got weaker. This morning can't see a line on frer. Still no blood yer but don't think it will be long. Can I ask@Catconfusion @Littlemiss40andfabulous did you tell your doctor? Didn't know if I should mention to them.

Hey @October1979 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m absolutely gutted for you. I haven’t spoken to the doctor yet but I might arrange an phone appointment. It’s a good idea to get it on record that it’s happened.

So I had a mmc, an early one a bit like this and then I had my ds. A sticky one may be just at round the corner. I got really depressed after my second one as I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I’m in awe of what my body did to produce my baby. It is really sad and of course you’ll grieve for it but it seems your body really wants this. It’ll happen, I’m sure of it! Xx

Thanks @Catconfusion. I'm trying to take comfort from the positives. It's so disappointing but it's more progress than I've had in a long time. Just worried it's a progesterone problem? Maybe if the doctor gave me some tablets it would make a difference? Can I ask how long it took till you started bleeding after your lines went from your pregnancy test. Thanks for your kind words. Just want AF to start now xx

@Geriatric1234 and @Tweaker it’s so overwhelming at first with all the negative information online. Having a mc is also really daunting. Don’t let it put you off though. Pregnancy loss is generally very common and even if you have one in your 40s, doesn’t mean it’s age related or will keep happening. Once pregnant and you get past the 12 week scan and screening tests the chances are great that all is well. Most chromosomal issues will either lead to mc or be picked up on the scan/screening tests in the first 12 weeks. The rarer ones might come up on the 20 week scan or lead to a late loss but this is uncommon.

I think the increased risk of still birth is more to do with gestational diabetes and preeclampsia being more common. When I looked at the increased risks of these conditions with age it wasn’t that much more likely. In fact they only screen women over 40 for gestational diabetes if there are signs. I didn’t have either of these issues and my consultant made me feel confident they could be managed if I developed them.

I just think there’s a real disconnect between the media and what it’s actually like to be pregnant over 40. None of my doctors were worried about my age or concerned something would go wrong. I had growth scans but was told it was an extra safeguard it was unlikely an issue come up on them.

Try not to worry, I know it’s really hard and have totally been there. Once you’re pregnant you’ll feel better, especially once you feel the baby move. I really hope we get some more bfps on this thread! Xx

(And to the one or two people popping on this thread to say pointlessly unkind sht like ‘Why leave it so late?’ some of us weren’t fortunate enough to meet our DH/OHs until later - I was 39 - so PLEASE kindly f*k off ;-D)

Stunned anyone would criticise. I didn't meet dh til quite late and got pregnant quickly at 37 and 39, smooth pregnancies and both children are teens now.

Really wish you ladies all the best. Hope your good news is just around the corner.

@October1979 no problem at all. In my case I had a weak line on the Sunday, a negative test on the Monday and the bleeding started early hours of Tuesday morning.

I was definitely talk to your doctor about progesterone. I was prescribed progesterone with my son after two mcs. I also called my doctor this time and got it prescribed. I don’t think it would have made a difference this time but who knows, maybe my son wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t taken it. It’s not common practice to prescribe it but if you look up the research and show your doctor, hopefully they’ll prescribe it. It’s a cheap medication as well so shouldn’t be a problem.

For now rest up and do whatever you think will make you feel better. I watched some Netflix and had some chocolate. To be honest it hit me again yesterday and I suddenly felt really sad but it’ll be ok. It’s not an easy thing to deal with. Xx

@Catconfusion Thank you so much - I’m going to screenshot that post to read every time I feel a bit defeated by the statistics. It’s so true and for every negative story there’s ten more success stories. xx

@Tweaker You are my new Zen role model and you are absolutely correct to be that way. xx

@MyOtherProfile Thank you! People can be so insensitive sometimes, but I reported the post and mumsnet moderators are seriously efficient in removing them! And thanks for the positive story too :-)

@October1979 So sorry - not the news we were all hoping for. I really thought this was it for you. I think you are doing everything right and your attitude is so positive. Crossing everything for you.

@October1979 aw I'm sorry to hear this news.

For me, I tested positive on a Thursday night, lines started to go weak on Saturday and disappeared by Sunday (bar a very sensitive Clear Blue one), abdo pain and AF began on Wednesday morning.

I am currently feeling very positive about the experience- now knowing we have the ability to conceive after 7 months of trying. I didn't tell my GP but did speak with my community midwife (to share I no longer needed her services ) and she was lovely. When I explained about the chemical pregnancy she affirmed they are very common and nothing to worry about for future pregnancies and even said she'd keep my name on her books as hopefully it won't be long until I needed to speak to her again

I'm encouraged by the fact fertility is a little increased post MC so am ready to try again this month.

Take care of yourself XxX

@Geriatric1234 and @Tweaker hi. It's such a up and down journey isn't it? I've stopped reading online about being over 40 and getting pregnant and just thinking about all the people I have known where it's happened to them. Thankyou @MyOtherProfile for your encouragement!

I must have missed the judgemental post, and only saw your response. Not sure why people feel the need to do that? Everyone else's circumstances are different and unique to them. I for one have been ready to be a mum for the last 13 years but for reasons completely outside of my control have meant it's not been able to happen for me yet.

Hi @Catconfusion I phoned my doctor and she basically asked why I was telling her. She said I should keep a note but she doesn't need to know or record it on mine. Had to fight to get it recorded on my records. Asked about progesterone and she said that a GP doesn't prescribe it and she doesn't know anyone that would. It needs to be a fertility clinic. Her only advice was to go private as the NHS was closed to me because of my age. She was awful! She said my progesterone levels were 57 last time tested. Which show I ovulate . Which I know I always do. She's never heard of it preserving a pregnancy. I asked about clomid and she says I ovulate - but as she's no specialist go private. I feel as if I got no support or advice x

@October1979 that's a very difficult response to deal with. What are you thinking now? Persevere as a CP shows you can get pregnant? It's very hurtful to be dismissed like that.

I have stopped looking at anything to do with tt over 40 as @Littlemiss40andfabulous said, it's just so disheartening. Thanks to the pps who were so positive about it, that really boosted me.

I'm in my fertile period now. Doing the SMEP method. Will be back in the dreaded tww next week.

I hope everyone is ok, this process can be soul destroying and completely take over. I'm working hard to try and focus on other things. Easy to obsess....

Oh no @October1979 that’s awful. Also simply not true as I have a prescription for progesterone from my GP so it can be done. Also there is fertility help for over 40s and you’re entitled to a referral on the nhs if you’ve been trying for 6 months plus. You might not get ivf but you should have access to most services. You probably don’t need clomid but speaking to a specialist would help you to understand what might help.

I’d speak to someone else or else make a complaint to the practice manager. Ask them to clarify what services you can get access to. You shouldn’t have to go private. It’s completely ageist of her to suggest it. Before I got pregnant with ds we had a fertility referral and I was 40 then. Luckily we didn’t need it but we were given access. This is exactly why women are anxious about pregnancy in their 40s. There’s such a lack of support.

Please don’t let the horrible GP get to you. You deserve support, especially after an early loss. It totally should be on your notes because if you have another one you should get help from the recurrent miscarriage clinic. Thinking of you and hoping you get better support soon! Xx

Thanks @Tweaker and good luck with your fw and smep it's hard work. Thanks @Catconfusion do you remember your progesterone level or why they prescribed it? Just trying to work out if it would help me

@October1979 I haven’t ever had my progesterone level tested. My gp felt that two miscarriages was enough of a reason to prescribe it. I think my levels during the luteal phase must be ok as it’s 16 days long and I don’t spot. She felt that low progesterone can come with getting older and it’s really difficult to diagnose. The levels can be unstable in early pregnancy. I’m not sure if it did me any good by obviously my son is here so I can’t rule it out. Xx

I've been following this thread and am sorry to read that your tests have been getting lighter @October1979 you must be devastated.

I'm 42, nearly 43 and have been ttc for a year. I do have a DD. in the last year I've had 2 chemicals but nothing since August. I'm not feeling very optimistic anymore and starting to wonder whether I should just accept that it isn't going to happen now.

Can anyone recommend where to get some blood tests done to check egg reserve / quality? I'm not sure of the correct terminology. I've sort of put off thinking about testing just because I'm worried I'll be told it is just my age.

@kirinm I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been ttc for a year and about your early losses, have you spoken to your GP? I really think you should be referred for fertility support. In my area over 40s are covered by the NHS. I really hope you can get checked out where you live through your GP. Its worth having some tests done. You could have a fibroid or a blocked tube. All things that could be easily fixed. Xx

@kirinm Please don’t feel beaten yet. I’ve spoken to numerous medical people who have said early forties isn’t necessarily as hard as the statistics would have us believe, and mother of 43/44 are relatively common occurrences.

I agree with @Catconfusion about the gp being a start point. I will say I didn’t even bother with the NHS route and I went on a recommendation and used Zita West. I cannot sing their praises enough. All their staff have been lovely and fully accepting of my desire to conceive naturally. I’ve not had anyone make me feel defeated or push IVF down my throat. I’ve also found their costs to be reasonable and all appointments (Obvs bar blood tests) have been online.

Some stuff is to do with age I guess, but you can absolutely boost odds. I strongly recommend It Starts With The Egg for supplement advice (and this thread too which I’m finding invaluable).

@October1979 That attitude from your GP is absolutely complaint-worthy. I had one doctor tell me that my miscarriage was probably related to “fundamental fertility issues” as opposed to the statistically more likely chromosomal issue. The reality is no one knows why I miscarried which is why I’m getting tests done now, so why even say that??? Pointless. I’m so sorry they made you feel sh*t. X

Thanks @Geriatric1234 @Catconfusion and @kirinm the bleeding has started. I'm licking my wounds and getting ready for the next cycle taking the positives that my body was trying to conceive. I assume chromosomes will be the issue. I have also made an appointment to see a fertility consultant privately. I want him to look at my results and DH SA and discuss options with me and if progesterone would make a difference. I'm keeping an open mind although unless he convinces me otherwise I am mainly looking for comfort and support conceiving naturally.

@Geriatric1234 it’s so awful a doctor said you had fundamental fertility issues. That’s a ridiculous thing to say without any test results. Everybody of childbearing age has the risk of miscarriage. It’s often nothing to do with fertility. I had two mcs and then got pregnant with my son the next time we tried. Obviously no fertility issues but I had two losses. Most doctors say even three mcs doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. I’ve now had three with my recent loss but I’ve got pregnant the only four cycles we’ve not used contraception so I’m confident I have good fertility for a 41 year old.

It’s absolutely great you’re able to use Zita West. Of course private is the best way to go for anyone wanting testing and investigations if money permits. It just concerns me that not all women over 40 are getting access to fertility services on the nhs. We’re really lucky in my area. We got an nhs referral to a private fertility clinic but I fell pregnant before the appointment. I’ve been told even after one child we could get seen again on the nhs as I have irregular cycles so could do clomid if I don’t conceive within 6 months.

There needs to be more consistency in the services available! Xx

@Catconfusion Thank you. And I’m so sorry for your MCs too. I think it really is just a numbers game whatever your age isn’t it?! And I totally agree about NHS first, I just don’t have the best GP and right now all referrals and non-urgent (even though it feels urgent to us) medical stuff is taking a long time to get through the system as it’s not a priority now, understandably. And with my work schedule I just thought f**k it I’ll go private so I know ASAP if there’s an issue. But your doctor sounds awesome!!

Agree about that consistency! As with so many things that are classed as “women’s health” it’s an absolute lucky dip when it comes to treatment. Urgh.

Xxx

My friend had a baby naturally at 40. I got pregnant by accident at 39 with the copper coil inserted properly...