7 months trying, not coping well

[Gardenlady543]

Hi all,

I’m a long time lurker, first time poster. We’ve been trying for 7 months now, it looks like it’s another no go this month. I’ve been tracking from the start, I’m using ovusense, I’m inputting that data into naturalcycles as well and I’m using the CB fertility monitor. I’m confident we’re hitting all the right times because it’s consistent across all the devices. Despite that every month it’s the same disappointment, I’m at that time again now and each month it is getting harder and harder.

My Gp has done my blood tests, all were normal and my AMH is 17.3 (I’m 35 so that is average). My partner has his semen analysis this week. No matter what the result I am now pretty set on paying privately for IVF, we ideally would like more than one child, and so freezing embryos would give me reassurance for when I’m older in the future. I’m thinking of arranging a discussion with the local clinic and hopefully a scan as the final bit of the work up from my side.

I’m sure people have had much harder times than me with this, but I’m at the point where I can’t be around families and even the mention of pregnancy or babies on tv is making me upset. I’ve come off all forms of social media as I can’t cope with the, “I got pregnant posts”, it doesn’t seem to be easy for many people, but nobody ever talks about the struggle etc. Does anyone else feel like this?

It's really tough, I feel for you. Ttc our second took 11 months and it felt like everyone else was getting pregnant, it's heartbreaking and unfair.

With all love, though, it's perfectly normal to take 1-2 years, even with everything healthy and working. I'm surprised you've been given tests etc after only 7 months. I'm not saying you're wrong to be struggling emotionally, because I do get it. I'm just reminding gently that there isn't necessarily cause for concern yet.

I know it's easier said than done, but could you just stop tracking and testing etc for a couple of months? Take that pressure away and just try to enjoy having sex? What has the gp suggested to you?

Hoping you get that bfp soon!

Hi,
I signed up today after also being a long time lurker.
I just wanted to post to say you are not alone in how you feel, I’m sure lots of other people will be along to say the same!

I started trying just before turning 35, the first couple of months felt ok but it soon becomes depressing peeing on sticks every month checking temps etc all for nothing.

By month 6 I was horrendous, jealous of people’s pregnancy announcements, Crying a lot, convinced my body was broken somehow. I pushed my GP for tests and got completely fobbed off because of covid. So month 7 I binned off all the OPK’s, hid my Ava bracelet and gave up.

Cycle 8 I got the tests out again, got a smiley face on a clear blue, asked the OH to have boring pregnancy sex yet again and somehow this was our month.

I guess what I’m trying to say is you haven’t actually been trying for that long, and neither had I. But at the time it feels like a lifetime!
It also feels like you are surrounded by people who just looked at each other and got pregnant and can’t wait to show off about it However I’m sure you know deep down that it’s a struggle for so many people and sometimes it really is just a matter of time.
Fingers crossed for you!

With all love, though, it's perfectly normal to take 1-2 years, even with everything healthy and working. I'm surprised you've been given tests etc after only 7 months. I'm not saying you're wrong to be struggling emotionally, because I do get it. I'm just reminding gently that there isn't necessarily cause for concern yet.

This. IVF isn't going to be a walk in the park and I'd like to think a responsible clinic would also tell you that after 7 months there's no cause for concern at this point. I do genuinely believe that stress can play a part for some couples though; maybe stop tracking for a couple of months and just see what happens?

In the kindest possible way I'm going to be honest with you and say that 7 months isn't a "struggle" its really not that long in conception timescales.........I know no one wants to hear that when it is something they so desperately want but the average is 12 months and the statistics say by 24 months the majority of women will be pregnant

At 7 months hiding from other people's happiness and being this consumed with jealousy and bitterness is also not good......it's been 7 months not 7 years?

I'd also seriously question the ethics of an IVF clinic that takes your money after just 7 months of trying when assuming your husbands sperm test comes back normal then all other tests point to you having no issues conceiving naturally within the usual timescales?

I don't want to sound harsh but I think it's better that someone says this to you before you let this consume you and you isolate yourself from friends and family and you will need them and all the emotional and physical strength you can find within yourself if you do experience long term Unexplained infertility or pregnancy loss (and I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that) - this is from someone with 5 miscarriages 2 ruptured ectopics , left infertile by age 36, and 5 rounds of IVF under my belt

Hi @Gardenlady543
I'm in similar situation to you and spoke to gp this week. We started TTC at start of the year and so they are going to do blood test to see if I'm ovulating. It feels like forever esp with so many other pregnancy announcements and births in between. I am also concerned about being over 35 when I see how fertility levels drop so I also have been considering looking in to ivf. IVF seems to take a long time to get the ball rolling so would obv keep TTC in the meantime and also if we wanted more than one child I'm not sure we could afford the 7+ month wait with TTC each time.
From other replies it does seem like we are being impatient and it is only 7 months but I can't help but be concerned there is a problem and I don't want to wait too long.
Fingers crossed for us both! I'd be interested to hear how you get on with us being in similar situation.

@EyeDrops thanks for the kind words, my husband works away so we have to plan everything unfortunately. It does take over my life though. I continue to use the ovusense after I ovulate so I know I’m not pregnant again as my temperature is at period temperature level (36.3 when it runs at 36.8 after ovulation). This stuff is keeping me awake at night.

@YorkshireGirl35 yeah you are right, I’m sure each pregnancy announcement has its own story behind it, it very much feels that those are never spoken about though.

@mini84 thank you so much for replying, it sounds like we have a lot in common on this journey. Interestingly I had a conversation with a close friend a few months in about the end of cycle disappointment, she told me she felt exactly the same, she then found out she was pregnant and I felt so alone.

I know people are saying 1-2 years but all the statistics I can find seem to give the impression it should have happened by now. I’m not really sure how much more trying and disappointment I can take. I don’t have any confirmation I can get pregnant at all, no faint lines or temperature remaining up, just the standard, negative tests.

I know people have experienced a lot longer waits, health issues affecting fertility and poor pregnancy outcomes. But I can’t help feeling like this :(

Hi @Gardenlady543

We have been trying since January and I get how you are feeling. It’s disheartening month after month trying and no luck. I believe we had a chemical pregnancy back in October last year which is what caused us to start trying. (The chemical wasn’t confirmed but had all the symptoms of being pregnant AF was late by 2 weeks) the same weekend that happened one of my best friends announced she was pregnant and a few months ago when she gave birth it all got a bit too much.

I was on another thread here back at that time and one lady wrote about how each month that passes takes you one step closer to getting your BFP which is a good way to think about it I suppose.

I have also read Luisa Zissmans blog post ‘maybe baby’. She talks about taking Coq10 and vital dha which I have started taking in the last few weeks. Lots of positive stories on her Instagram post about it so hoping this helps as well as folic acid and trying to lose a bit more weight.

It is hard when you feel you can’t talk to anyone about how your feeling and how much the struggle affects you. The only person that knows we are ttc is my mum only because i told her last time I thought I was pregnant. I don’t like to talk to her too much about it though as I feel like I could talk about it all day long and sometimes feel like I’m a bit obsessive 😂 and almost feel like a bit of a bunny boiler don’t ask why when I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 years 😭

Anyway long story short - you aren’t alone although it does feel like that sometimes. This place is a good platform to get everything off your chest. Good luck 🤞🏻 X

I know from experience that each month you’re not pregnant is like a a little chip at your heart but like others have said 7 months isnt actually that long. It’s a long time in life yes but it’s really only 7 gos at something which isn’t a lot. We were trying seriously for about a year and a half before getting a bfp.

I would suggest checking with your dr to see if you are ovulating if you haven’t already and as you’ve said your partner will get a semen analysis then you can reassess.

Thanks @Cha0907, I don’t have any females in my family to talk to, none are still around, which also means I’ve no idea what it was like for them either (family history etc). I have two friends who are not ttc and have never had childre who speak to me though, which is nice. As I don’t have to worry that they’ll suddenly get pregnant and start telling the world.

I’m sure I will perk up a bit in a few days, this is just the “didn’t happen again” lull.

Hi @Bumble84
I’ve had all my blood tests come back fine. The idea about the fertility clinic is so I can get an anatomy scan, that seems to be the last test I need.

Hi @Gardenlady543 I totally sympathise with you and 100% know how you feel. I’m 36 and we’re ttc #1 - we started trying last September and still nothing. My sister has recently announced her pregnancy and while I’m so so so happy for her it is really tough sometimes when she sends me her bump photos and scans. This month we had totally convinced ourselves it had worked, but AF just showed up today (6 days late - the longest cycle I’ve ever had) and we were both just gutted. It feels so disheartening and as silly as it sounds I just cried for ages when it showed up. My mind started jumping to IVF... then what about adoption... but the other posters are right - ttc can take time so don’t give up yet!

Last month we had our first GP appointment about this and have some tests booked in for September. However her message to us was to relax and stop obsessively tracking everything. It’s much easier said than done, but I think it’s sound advice.

Basically my advice is don’t give up! Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to be sad when you feel sad, but remember that it’s normal for it to take time so try and relax a bit on all the tracking xxx

Thanks for the sweet message @Parsleyrose it must be really hard being happy for your sister but also wishing it were you. It’s nice to hear from others in the same boat. I always just assumed it would happen as soon as we started trying, but obviously not. Fingers crossed for both of us

Hey OP - there’s an invisible boat and I’m sitting in it with you.

We started ttc August last year. We did have a positive test in Dec but an early mc followed and there’s been nothing since. My sister got pregnant in Feb and so have other friends, all got babies due soon. It’s been very, very hard and regardless of what someone else said, it’s very much a struggle.

Your feelings are valid and normal. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

When I looked at the stats, 84% of couples fall pregnant in the first year of trying, and of the 16% who don't, half fall pregnant in the second year - we were one of them, which is why I know the stats. So while I know it's not much fun waiting, if your fertility tests are normal, there's a good likelihood you'll be pregnant in the next 18 months.

I empathise OP. I really do. It took 4 years to conceive my second.

We had every test under the sun and fertility treatment. It seemed utterly hopeless. Every month when AF came I would die a bit inside. Then one day out of nowhere it happened.

I know these types of stories can be frustrating to hear, but my main point is not to rush into fertility treatment. It left me with PTSD. It's very invasive and I for one felt like a piece of meat being churned through a money-making conveyor belt. I thought it would give me all the answers but it just seemed like every test led to yet another that was going to give us the answer but it never did. But I was so desperate I would have done anything and found a way to pay for it. anything.

I know that's just my experience and for others it helps them achieve the family they long for but I wish I'd been able to think more clearly and waited a bit longer. I hope you are successful soon x

Gardenlady543

my husband works away so we have to plan everything unfortunately.

This is probably your issue. Chances are you're not having sex before you ovulate. There's basically a 12 hour period of fertility/egg viability.

That being said, I am 2 years in and 1 miscarriage down, so I do understand the hurt, frustration and loss of control that you're feeling. I know people who fell pregnant first go and people who took 3 years, 20 years, so conceive. It's so wildly varied that you can't really predict what your journey will be.

@elenacampana Thankyou, that means a lot

@bathorshower I guess if it happens for 84% you always assume you’ll be in that group :(

@Invisablewoman thanks for sharing your experience, this is all so hard. I just thought it would happen :(

@TheBeesKnee I don’t think that’s it, he works 1.5 hours away, so he will arrange to be here three days a week and then throughout the high and peak days. It just means I have to track for him to arrange his schedule.

I think women spend so long worrying about an unwanted pregnancy that when we're ready we expect it to happen almost instantly. It can lead to obsessional behaviour quite quickly, the temping, charting, vitamins, timing everything, endlessly peeing on sticks, holding them up to the light, squinting at them from every angle. It's all consuming. I still find it hard to have sex for the enjoyment of it even 5 years later thanks to the PTSD.

Haven't read all the posts, just yours.
I am currently pregnant with an IVF baby. I followed the rules exactly - didn't worry at all for a year (80% get pregnant within a year), then went to the GP for tests which were all perfect, knew that 95% get pregnant without other support within 2 years. I used ovusense and ovulation trackers etc but I persevered with the 'it is just taking us time' approach.
Long story short, after nearly 3 years (remember that NHS referral takes months), we found out that I have a uterine abnormality that makes it impossible for me to have ever conceived naturally. No tests except the ultrasound would have shown it.

Luckily, we did IVF and got pregnant first time. We also have 6 frozen embryos ready for another go in the future (NHS pay for storage for a year and then we need to store them after that).

With hindsight, I wish I had had the tests done earlier. We could have afforded to pay for them (consultant appointment privately was about £250 and ultrasound not a huge amount more). We waited and waited and it destroyed my mental health - every month of a supposedly healthy cycle, all the timed sex, all the normal test results.... it honestly nearly destroyed me. IVF was the EASIEST part of our journey to conceive and I say that knowing that ivf was bloody hard too, but at least we knew what we were up against and we knew the odds etc.

Whilst statistically at 7 months you still have time, if you can afford it, just have the tests done. Being told it will probably happen and it's probably fine is NO comfort when you're anxious and that's without the stupid 'just stop stressing!' comments. If all the tests come back fine then you can carry on trying for a bit longer naturally - you haven't lost anything except some money. If they don't, then you've saved yourself the heartache of many more months of trying.

When I found out I was infertile, I honestly cried more for the wasted years of trying and the damage to my soul than I ever did for the actual diagnosis of infertility. I really wish somebody had given me permission to spend a few hundred quid so much earlier on to find out, but instead all I got was 'stop stressing' 'have you tried not thinking about it' and 'it takes loads of people a long time'.

PM me if you want to talk through the nhs/private process - I don't know anything but I know quite a lot now!

@October2020 thanks so much for your reply, I am pretty set on paying privately for the scan which will be the last test for me. And like you say, I need to know now and not years later, if I feel like this at 7 months, who knows what I’ll feel like in the future. I have recently spent £2.5k on a fence and can’t really justify spending money on something like a fence and not spending money on something that’s affecting my mental health.