7 months trying, not coping well

[Gardenlady543]

Hi all,

I’m a long time lurker, first time poster. We’ve been trying for 7 months now, it looks like it’s another no go this month. I’ve been tracking from the start, I’m using ovusense, I’m inputting that data into naturalcycles as well and I’m using the CB fertility monitor. I’m confident we’re hitting all the right times because it’s consistent across all the devices. Despite that every month it’s the same disappointment, I’m at that time again now and each month it is getting harder and harder.

My Gp has done my blood tests, all were normal and my AMH is 17.3 (I’m 35 so that is average). My partner has his semen analysis this week. No matter what the result I am now pretty set on paying privately for IVF, we ideally would like more than one child, and so freezing embryos would give me reassurance for when I’m older in the future. I’m thinking of arranging a discussion with the local clinic and hopefully a scan as the final bit of the work up from my side.

I’m sure people have had much harder times than me with this, but I’m at the point where I can’t be around families and even the mention of pregnancy or babies on tv is making me upset. I’ve come off all forms of social media as I can’t cope with the, “I got pregnant posts”, it doesn’t seem to be easy for many people, but nobody ever talks about the struggle etc. Does anyone else feel like this?

So many of your words resonate with me - I am lucky enough to be almost 7 months with my first via a second round of IVF following almost 4 years of trying, 2 operations and three months of Clomid. I have endometriosis.

As others have said, IVF isn’t something to be rushed into. It is expensive, exhausting and emotionally draining and you really want to make sure it’s something you need before you jump in.

You’ve had the basic tests and they look positive, I’d be tempted to have a private scan to check your ovaries etc (can check for PCOS / endometriomas that could indicate endometriosis) and also get your progesterone / FSH checked. You could probably get this for a few hundred at a private clinic. If that all looks good I’d be tempted to try until you hit the year mark at least as it does take some people a while. I’ve had friends who have taken 2 months but most have taken around a year. You don’t want to start on IVF if a few more months could have done the trick.

In the meantime you can research into clinics and options so you can press the go button when you are ready. It always helped me to have a plan of action in my back pocket. I’d be surprised if they took your money before you’d been trying at least a year if all the tests come back well.

I’d look into some coping mechanisms to help you with the pregnancy announcements. They really hurt but you have to learn to make your peace with them otherwise it will eat you up and you will potentially loose friendships. Easier said than done I know.

I’d also recommend visiting the infertility boards for advice, there are some very knowledgeable people over there.

Didn't want to read and run - just wanted to highlight that per the stats the average amount of months TTC at your age is 9 months. Bear in mind that's the average so there will be plenty that take longer!

I'm on cycle 8 now and am nowhere near thinking about ivf just yet as I know I'm well within the realm of normal. I'm sure it will happen to us both before we know it xx

I totally understand how you feel. We tried for two and a half years without a hint of a positive test.
I had tests and an operation to check everything and it was all normal... Next step IVF.

It broke my heart every month when my period came!

But I'm am now 38 weeks pregnant with a little boy. No help from doctors just happened one month.

Please don't give up, if all test are fine then I'm sure it will happen for you. Have faith xx

Very happy to talk it through with you. We ended up paying privately for a surgery i needed as the NHS wait list was nearly 9 months (and actually would have been cancelled because of covid although we didn't know that at the time). It cost us nearly £3000 but by that point, 3 years in, I couldn't even consider waiting another 9 months.

We don't spend money frivolously and I felt (and still feel) it was the best money we spent. I will have this baby before we would ever have got the surgery on the nhs, let alone the IVF.

I honestly find the well meaning "it takes a lot of people some time" approach to be totally unhelpful, even though I know it is well meaning.

💐
You sound like me a few years ago.
To reassure you, the fertility consultant actually said it’s normal for ttc to take 1-2 years.
We paid privately to see her and found out my AMH was really low... 6.3 when I was 31. I had a laparoscopy five months later which showed twisty tubes so it would have been a miracle had we conceived naturally.
We started ivf the next month and had twins so I am v grateful for ivf! That said, I wouldn’t rush into it, it’s worth having all the investigations completed first, ivf was hard physically and emotionally.
Hope it happens for you soon

Your words will resonate with a lot of us. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. Wait a bit longer or go for IVF. I’m at 2 years trying now and I had repeat investigations which again just showed polycystic ovaries everything else is normal and I ovulate every month. Even during lockdown spending more time at home together - it didn’t happen and it was having a massive impact on my mental health. I made a decision in May when clinics reopened that I was going to pursue IVF. Last month was our last try - even went on holiday “relaxing” - didn’t happen (shock). I’m currently on the pill and start injections end of August. IVF is by no means easy way to pregnancy - I have read a couple of books to educate myself and over on infertility boards is usually takes a few rounds for most couples. I do feel very alone at times, even with these boards and social media support + partner obviously -it lonely journey. It’s okay to cry cos it’s shit - but be kind to yourself too xx

Hi OP - I can emphathise and am feeling very similar to you, after six months trying and a MMC at 12 weeks since I started TTC. OFC this means it has only been three true cycles despite being 6 months.

Though I do appreciate it's very early days in terms of TTC, I didn't realise until now, the decline in fertility after 35.

This is what makes it harder to have patience and relax - knowing that time is more limited than if you were younger.

(Basically I believed this was scaremongering because of the 'French birth records from the 1700s' argument, despite the fact that there are plenty of other studies that back up those findings. I wish I had never read that article in the Atlantic! It's obviously not that simple that you can just plan for 3 children spaced 2 years apart in your late 30s!!!! But that's another story).

I have a question about tests... we went for a couples MOT which involved semen analysis (all fine) and ultrasound scan (all fine anatomically) plus AMH and AFC. From what I understand, AMH and AFC are really only meaningful as indicators of how you would likely respond to IVF, rather than your chance of natural conception. My AMH and AFC scores were high, and the doctors recommended to me to keep trying for another 4-6 months (so about a year total) before considering IVF.

It's disappointing the clinic didn't test thyroid and progesterone. The GP wants me to wait longer to test these since we did conceive, but I'm worried about having another MC if levels aren't right. I'd like to have these checked privately but can't find a clinic that does it - presumably they do AMH and AFC as it enables them to pitch IVF?

Anyway, I - like the OP - am not keen to shortcut to IVF, but did also wonder if it might give a better chance of conceiving again in the future, if I am able to get multiple embryos, rather then trying to fit in two cycles of trying.

Can anyone advise on this? And is there a way to get those tests normally performed by the GP privately?

@October2020 - thank you for that post. You’ve given me something to think about too. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.

Hi @sweetpea2000 where did you find the couples MOT? I'd like to have this, just for peace of mind while continuing TTC and then if we do go down the ivf route it's already covered. Thanks!

@mini84 - most private fertility clinics will do this. I just googled it. I'm in the South East but ended up going to Manchester (Manchester Fertility) as the clinics near me still weren't doing face to face appointments because of COVID. They fitted us in within a couple of weeks.

Like I said though, the semen analysis is helpful, as is the anatomy scan, but the AMH and AFC counts are really only indictors of how well you would respond to IVF. I can't find anywhere that will do the blood tests to check you are ovulating and check thyroid.

After a year trying I tried SMEP and fell straight away, it's awful waiting but worth it in the end

Thanks @sweetpea2000
I will look that up, I'm not far from Manchester (moved up from down south!)
My gp would do day 21 blood test after 12 months of trying even though I am over 35 (thought it was 6 months for 35+?!)I think this test is to confirm ovulation? I didn't ask about thyroid.
Sound like your GP is the same. Fingers crossed for good news in the mean time

Hi op. I am the same, 7 months trying for number 1, although I had some medical issues to deal with that I had to sort before I could start trying, so it feels longer. The bit I find hard is there are so many pregnancies at the moment. I know people will think that if they are trying, but I'm seeing multiple scan pictures a week on social media. I also have a few members of family and friends pregnant all of which were unplanned or conceived within a few weeks, which makes me feel rubbish. My MIL, dm and dsis all fell quickly straight away too. Im constantly asked when I'll have a baby, as if it's that easy! AF was 2 days late Last week, I couldn't help but get excited, that has never ever happened, it started as I was meeting a pregnant friend, it felt so cruel.I feel for you op, but the more the you stress the more itll effect you.

@mini84 I found Manchester Fertility really helpful - defo recommend them. It was £395 for both of us, with a 30 min (Zoom) consultation with a doctor and written report.

I've been trying since the start of the year but had a MMC in May, which confirms I ovulated. I'm concerned about the thyroid as I know this can contribute to MC. But I know the cause of MC is not investigated unless they're recurrent.

The thing with being over 35 is that you don't feel you have time to keep trying and then explore all the avenues. I am really beating myself up right now for not starting sooner. I naively didn't realise it could be this stressful or that it wouldn't just happen right away. I have three big sisters who all conceived easily within a couple of months in their mid-to-late thirties and that was all I knew.

I wish I had just visited these message boards a few years back to understand what it can be like!

Thanks good to know. So you went to the clinic for the tests and they followed up with a zoom after? Will the clinic not do the progesterone or thyroid?
Thyroid issues run in my family so I too want to get that checked now. Didn't realise it could have an impact.
I too had a mmc and it was an awful shock and as much as I so want to be pregnant each month I also start panicking about going to the scan again and getting bad news.
I also wish I'd started earlier. Hindsight is a wonderful thing huh.

@sweetpea2000 sorry forgot to tag you

@sweetpea2000 you should be able to get progesterone tests on the NHS (2 blood tests across your cycle) to give you an idea of your levels so worth pushing for that. And for them to do across a few cycles of they offer that.

Regarding the AMH it is something that indicates how successful IVF maybe (although not an exact science). Mine was 35.1 when I was 34 (last year) and to give you an idea I got 17 eggs, 16 fertilised (ICSI) and I got 6 blasts from that. 2 used up (one failed one worked) so 4 frozen and waiting if we decide to go again. Not everyone gets some to freeze but many do, and it’s nice to know you have some there to use in the future.

Something we learnt along the way was that SA can be hit and miss from month to month. We had one awful one and then advised to have another a few months later and it was a lot better. Things like illness can have an effect on results so always worth pushing for a repeat if you can.

Also I have endometriosis but have no painful symptoms - so that can happen. They would have me down as unexplained but when I had a lap my tubes were stuck to my other organs. I did have endometrioma cysts On a scan on my ovary which is an indication of full on endo maybe there, although rare without pain. Worth keeping this in mind if they try to put you down as unexplained as it is a frustrating (lazy) diagnosis as you feel there is noting you can do to try and correct it. If you have private health cover through work etc they will often put it right for you.

Best of luck to those trying and as October said, if you can afford it I would pay the money for some private tests. You can then go armed to the NHS with it if there is IvF funding in your areas. What I regret the most is the months waiting for appointments and tests to come through, wish I’d thrown some money at it earlier to have saved my sanity.

@mini84 - I also found out at the scan, and it was devastating. I can't stop thinking where we would have been - six months by now : /
What is just as hard is the time taken to get back to normal - those months when we could have been trying. It's so hard! It sounds like we're in a similar situation so perhaps we can keep in touch?

@justkeeprunning5 - thanks for this info. My GP was reluctant to do any tests for at least 6 months after my MC, on the basis that we had got pregnant. I'm reluctant to wait for NHS and have to push for it, so am happy to go privately, but it doesn't seem like most fertility clinics do it (I may call some up and ask).

My partner's semen analysis was strong, and my AMH was 30, so similar to yours. It sounds like you got great results from your cycle. This is the hard thing about waiting to try naturally for longer at our age - you know your fertility and responsiveness to future treatment is declining at the same time. It makes it much harder to be patient!

What lead to you having the Laparoscopy? I wanted to have the HyCoSy just to cover all basis and check my tubes, but the clinic said that probably wasn't necessary since I had conceived. I just want to know everything I can.

Congratulations on your success and also great that you have more in the freezer.

@justkeeprunning5 - were those results from just one cycle by the way?

@sweetpea2000 yes let's keep in touch. Ah I know. And all you see is pregnant ladies, and announcements...My due date was my birthday and sil announced her pregnancy 2 weeks after my mmc and her due date....my birthday what are the chances!! Ive never told them but it was so hard.
Onwards and upwards. One day it WILL be us!
Have you listened to bfn podcast? I started listening from the start.

I would recommend the BFN podcast, always a few Interesting nuggets of info to take away. Also check out This is Alice Rose on Instagram. She does some cool mindset stuff on fertility / how to deal with pregnancy announcements. Makes you feel less ‘alone’ if nothing else.

It’s hard to wait knowing that things do decline over time but it is not like it drops of a cliff at 35, it’s still gradual and sounds like your results are strong.

It’s worth calling round some clinics to see what tests are offered.

Had the lap as I had a Dermoid cyst in one ovary when they found endo. then another lap as had 2 endometriomas in another so they assumed it had grown back which it had. Apparently after the surgery I should have been as good as new for 6 months but Unfortunately didn’t have any luck when TTC naturally after each

As you were able to get pregnant I can see that they would be reluctant to do a lap and dye on the NHS, they do not tend to offer it to many people. Mine was private. I am So sorry to hear about your MMC, that must have been really horrible.

They were the result of one round of reasonably mild drug levels so we were very lucky although the remaining ones are not as great quality as those used so far but as they say, it only takes one. I know some places do packages of mild stimulation where you effectively do embryo banking over a few months and then transfer, but that maybe more for people with lower AMH to concentrate on quality rather than quantity.

Worth looking into packages with people like Access Fertility if you decide to go private. We were lucky to get ours on the NHS but packages can work out decent value if you need a few transfers.

OP please don’t feel that you’re alone in the way you feel. Trying to conceive my first was the most probably miserable year of my life. It was the closest, I think, I’ve ever come to depression and I’m pretty sure I had a panic attack at work at one point. I was so tightly wound with anxiety I was struggling to cope. I know my husband was starting to really worry about me. When friends got pregnant, I was so very happy for them but I would come home and my heart would break for us and I was so very worried that we would never get our turn. It was beginning to consume me and I didn’t like who I was becoming.

It ‘only’ took me 13 cycles to conceive, so in the grand scheme of things, and other people’s far more arduous journeys, within the realms of normal and not too long. But it was tough. So very mentally tough.

I reached the 9 month mark before I wasn’t prepared to watch and wait. I needed to know that I was being proactive with investigations, and putting the wheels in motion if something was wrong, to feel more in control of my anxiety. I went to my GP and was referred for scans and blood tests and I was due to have our first appointment with an NHS clinic the month after we conceived. I know people tell you not to stress; to relax and it will happen, and it makes you want to rip their head off. But, for us, I’m certain stress was our biggest roadblock. The month we fell, we weren’t trying to conceive. We were drained. We knew we had the clinic appointment coming up so we gave ourselves a break that month. We barely had sex except for the night we got drunk at wedding. And that was it, we fell. I’m sure the fact that we had both relaxed was a massive factor. After all that, I conceived my second on the first try when I’d mentally geared up for long haul again.

@Scubalubs87 thanks for the lovely message.

I just checked back into this thread, I’m feeling a bit better now I’m over AF. I feel that the BFN/AF time is the worse. My husband had his sperm analysis last week but we’re still waiting on the result. I have a US scan booked in September with a private clinic and then we meet with a specialist to discuss all the results and options. All the talk of people with AMHs in the 30’s who are the same age as me has me worried, as mine is 17.3, it makes me feel that it’s really important I get professional advice as soon as I can.