TTC after MC - August 2020 (Thread 9)

[VP91x]

Hey ladies,

Fingers crossed for lots of BFPs this month as we are definitely due some!

BFP list❤️

@Hayleylou89
@1990EM
@Tink20058
@mumoftwobeauts
@DontStandSoClose
@peonyrose87
@Ejb86
@Girlmum83
@Dipsy77
@DBTJ
@SmileyT
@ManchNic
@Niisa
@fafi
@2020wish
@calimommy

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@VP91x
@Runnergirl1
@Hayley19835
@Mommybear05
@HE88
@Rainbowhope11
@HopeForRainbowbaby
@Renna
@Diorissimo1985
@Rb486
@Wishingfornumber2
@Northernsoul90
@Sallyjo27
@Pugprincess
@Jazper
@elliew818
@AC2020
@Eli2020
@littletandme
@MichT4
@Re6ecc4
@Bellabubble
@Lollol86
@Firevie
@stayinghopeful92x
@chloedancer897
@Lollol86
@MrsK21
@Rebecca1992
@Beesy90
@LKMH
@Cici89
@Blondecomment0703
@CasperFlamingo

I'm CD11, waiting for something (anything) to happen this month 😂. Only taking my Inofolic Alpha this cycle and nothing else.

Hope I've tagged everyone xx

@chloedancer897 oh darling 💔 my heart broke for you reading that!

Stay strong honey! X

@Pugprincess I probably am not sleeping well enough, I do find that tough but I particularly didn't sleep last night because I knew I'd be testing today and then I got up at 5.30 and tested and couldn't sleep again after. I do yoga usually 2-3 times a week. I've contacted an acupuncturist for some treatment but other than that I'm pretty much sure I'm giving up. My husband has just asked if we should stop trying. My question is, how do you just stop? I'll always know when I'm ovulating so how do I stop thinking about it. It's all I've thought about for 3 years

@Bl0ndi3 I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible night Have no experience with the CB digital OPKs, but at least you seem to be quite regular, which is more than I can say for myself. I was with DH 6 years before we got married, but I wanted the marriage more for the party than anything else. Parties seem like such a world away from what's going on at the moment!

@scrambledeggy good that you feel comfortable speaking to your head like that, I'm not sure my supervisor would be so supportive! Sounds like you've had an interesting career, I LOVE teaching so if I can't get a job as a lecturer I'd happily give something else a go.

@Pancakes7 I have to keep changing my ad settings to stop getting targeted adverts about pregnancy because it feels like taunting...

@HappyVibes I agree, convincing yourself you have more control than you have can conversely lead to feelings of guilt that you did "something wrong". Trying to enjoy life regardless is the way to go.

@MichT4 Odd thing to say to a stranger over the internet, but you are very welcome to my achey boobs! Could the lack of pain conversely be a sign of something good?

@chloedancer897 Have you had counselling in the past? It sounds like you are in a lot of emotional pain, and you deserve a chance to just let it all out with someone whose job it is to help you make sense of everything. If you've got kids already, then even by your own terms you're far from a failure. You never know where you will be even a few months down the line, something (BFP or not) might take you by surprise and make you feel better about yourself. I wish I could do more, just hope things get better soon

@scrambledeggy we were having counselling prior to lockdown. It might be a good idea to see if we can get back to that. Thank you.

@2020wish I will probably test on Thursday, but with not a symptom to sniff at, I don't know if it's worth the heartache. Have to remind myself every time is different. I still have a fair bit of CM so I'll cling to that.

How are you?

@chloedancer897 please don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know if you've said before but have you thought about counselling? I think MC takes such a toll and sometimes you just need to have extra support.
Coincidentally I just read this blog about fertility tests and it said this about egg reserve tests:

It is important to remember that these tests were developed to inform IVF treatment and not your natural fertility. Many women with low ovarian reserve will conceive without any problems whilst others with a good ovarian reserve may take time and need fertility treatment.
There is no doubt that tests showing a good ovarian reserve are reassuring
but they do not guarantee a baby. Equally a poor or impaired ovarian reserve does not mean you will struggle and need fertility treatment. Therefore it is not generally advised to have these ovarian reserve tests unless fertility treatment is already required. Instead, they can be used to predict response to treatment and guide dosing of medications.

Obviously you'll be concerned about it, but it suggests it isn't a marker for natural fertility. I know your doc didn't make you feel confident, but you should take your own confidence in your incredible body.

@MrsK21 it's great Provera is working so quickly, even though it might be a heavy one. Sometimes the heavy ones are more satisfactory in a weird way 😂 you know where you are I suppose

My scans booked for 21st aug. By my ovulation dates I think I’d be 5+5 by then. By my cd1 mc dates I’d be bang on 6 weeks. Is it too soon to see a heartbeat? Should I ring and try to delay it by a week? Or would they scan me again a week after if too early x

@MrsK21 yes definitely will ask the epau about the aspirin. But as @Northernsoul90 says I am on a low dose SSRI for depression/anxiety so maybe I wouldn’t be ok for it anyway. I will check my instructions for my meds and see what they say just for curiosities sake.

@scrambledeggy I loved teaching too, unfortunately all the paper work and observations etc made it less enjoyable for me xx

@scrambledeggy 😂😂 thank you! It could be, at this stage I'm well aware anything is possible. I've had months with all the symptoms and a bfn so I've told myself never to assume anything again.

@MrsK21 oh yes meant to say I’m glad you are finally getting somewhere with your AF xx

Thank you @MichT4 I had read something similar about the anti sperm antibodies. That it's not routinely recommended to test unless you need to know what treatment route to go down. But unfortunately, what's actually happening to me if a bigger indicator of my infertility. I didn't really need the tests to tell me that. Although good results would have made me feel a bit better. I think counselling might help. My DH isn't great at being supportive when I'm suffering because he hates seeing me like this. So he says/does the wrong thing. The acupuncturist I'm seeing also offers counselling so I'm hoping that will help. I just need to get it out of my head that she's going to help me with fertility but will help me with healing.

I'd like to stay on the thread to just to see all your BFPs but I do think I'm just going to stop trying now because it's completely destroying me

@chloedancer897 maybe the trick is to not do any of it for TTC - do it all for yourself, your mindset, your headspace and for you and DH. Your happiness is number 1, and I know it feels like a BFP is the answer to that, but your health (body and mind) are critical to that. Perhaps focusing on the healing is the way forward, and the rest will flow from that.
You absolutely deserve your baby, but you also deserve to be confident in your body and be happy and content with where you are now. I think if you can work on that, then you can take on the world.

Annoyingly I think men are generally not great with emotional things. Mine is great when he opens up, but most of the time he is too concerned at being my rock and hates to see me sad. He will be quite black and white just to see me not hurting, because he hates to feel helpless. I'm also terrible for bringing him down when he is trying to be positive, so I do find it easier to talk to others so that I don't burden him. It sounds bad as he is my OH and probably wants to be burdened, but I also want him to be my light of positivity so I try to keep him that way. There is nothing bad about seeking help elsewhere so that you both can enjoy a relationship where it's not always focused on the suffering.

@Pugprincess I would definitely still check at EPAU every med is different, I am on low dose citalopram. When I was pregnant the midwife wanted me on aspirin from 12 weeks as my sister developed toxaemia/eclampsia in pregnancy but my doctor wouldn't prescribe it without me being under a consultant due to increased risk of bleeding with the medication interaction. Just worth checking out xxx

@chloedancer897 - I’m so sorry your feeling this way. Whatever you decide is going to be the right decision for you. Like someone has said maybe try and press the reset button, get yourself feeling better and you never know what will happen in the future. Sending lots of love your way x

Just an update, rang epau, Changed scan now 😅 Friday 28th 8.20am so id be 6+5 🤞🏻

Thank you everyone. You've all been so kind and supportive. I feel like I've suffered enough and there's only a certain amount one person can go through. I need to start enjoying my life again and being there for my other kids more mentally. I don't think I'm giving them 100% at the minute. I'm not giving anything 100% as my head is always somewhere else.

So I think the best thing to do is to shelf this indefinitely. I'm not getting any younger so I imagine if I do shelf it, that'll be the end of it. Thank you all for being so full of hope and being a shoulder to cry on and listening to my woes. Like I said, I'll stay on here to see everyone getting their BFPs but I think my time is done with TTC.

My husband just appeared with this beautiful present for me so I hope the message helps you all too. It means that you can't get to what you want without hard work and dedication. You are all doing so well and you will get the beautiful babies you've all worked so hard for.

@chloedancer897 I really hope you find some peace if you decide TTC is not right for you any longer. you have a lovely thoughtful partner and children and maybe in time, relaxing around them and with life in general - things will fall into place. we're all hopeful for you xxx

@MichT4 @Pugprincess @Northernsoul90 thank you ladies, I'm so surprised the provera is doing something so quickly and it'll be the only time I'm going to be satisfied with a heavy flow! I'm seeing this as a big body reset. Hoping that the big pause means my ovaries are raring to go after AF - I've told OH to prepare himself, physically and mentally for FW lol

@pugprincess well done on getting the dates changed, far more likely to see a HB at 6wks + then 5wks! So excited for you :D

@chloedancer897 oh hunni, my heart is breaking for you. 3 years is such a long time and now you have been given some information that means time is not your side, however you are not out of the game yet. You have 2 children but having 2 myself and desperate for a third still makes my heart ache at the thought of not getting my 3rd baby.
Like the girls has said definitely think about some counselling.
You are nothing less than a woman, you have not failed anyone so please don't think like that.
Please please please speak to someone xx

@chloedancer897 aw your hubby is so thoughtful! Have you considered fostering or adoption? It’s a route I was wanting to go down if I had to give up. Just thinking there could be a baby out there desperately needing a loving home and they would gain 2 siblings ❤️ I know it doesn’t take away from it not being yours by blood and the experience of pregnancy and birth though. Just a thought and wonderment xx

@chloedancer897 sending you all the positive vibes and hugs I can. U have been on such a journey. You are not a failure, you are a mother and you body can do this. But all this added pressure and stress this is causing you can be counter productive. Maybe actively not trying anymore and focusing on ur mental health and family at home is just what you need. Just life ur life and throw away all the trying to conceive extras. Delete to tracker apps and just have sex when you want to. Live life. I’m sad to see ur journey ending but I’m Confident I will see u pop back up at some Point With ur BFP! If that happens when I’m no longer that active on here please send me a private mail with the news!! X

@Pugprincess we had looked into that but again it's such a long arduous journey that might not happen for a long time. But I suppose it's always an option. We are renting so they won't let us adopt with that i doubt. The criteria is so strict.

@2020wish thank you. I find it hard to know how to 'not try' but I think I need to stop doing this to myself. It's not great mentally.

Thank you everyone. You've been so wonderful.

@Lollol86 I have everything crossed that you will get your little baby xox

@chloedancer897 that gift is beautiful - what a lovely man you have there.
We are always here, we aren't going anywhere. Let us know how you get on with acupuncture and things (if you want to!). I have faith you will get your happy ending and I too would love to know when you do xx

Well happy Monday! I said I wasn’t going to test this month, but it’s so strange since m/c I can defos feel what’s going on. I tested and got a flashy smiley. It’s only CD9 for me, I didn’t get a static until CD20 last month which was my second cycle since m/c so feel like I’m regulating well and feeling positive 😃 how long does everyone normally get flashies for?

@chloedancer897 thank you so much and you too if that's what you decide to do, but just think of your self for a little while.
That gift from your dh is just the most sweetest thing he can do, and he's letting you know he's thinking about you xx

@Happyvibes I took low dose aspirin without doc advice as I felt maybe my uterine lining was thin. I have since stopped as when I had a scan at 6 weeks i was advise to due to them finding a subchronic bleed. The thing with aspirin is it does thin your blood so they didn't want it to cause too much bleeding. I have since had another scan and all is well and I have not taking aspirin anymore.
Largnine is probably more of a natural supplement which i have also taken. Each to their own really speak to a doctor if you can.

@chloedancer897 my only advice to you is dont stop continue but maybe take a relaxed approach. Don't let your other half no when your in your fertile period one of you has to be relaxed. Try as much to keep him in the dark about anything as this can cause them to feel underpressure and they probably wouldn't even let you know they are feeling that way.