Should we stop trying????

[SquillosMum]

Bit of a long story, but a hard decision to make at the end...I know we have to make it, but it helps to write it all down, even if no-one has any answers.

So we have a lovely DS (aged 2 and a half) conceived through donor insemination as DH is infertile. Last year DS was seriously ill, had a liver transplant and is mostly OK, but still having complications dealt with, so quite a few hospital visits and some uncertainty over the future.

We have always wanted more than 1 child and since Feb this year have had 4 attempts to conceive using donor insemination. But our local hospital no longer offers this so we have had to travel 1.5 hours each way to a private hospital.

The emotional ups and downs of TTC are really getting to me, and the uncertainty of our DS's condition is also a huge emotional issue. So we have decided to have a break from TTC. But the question is, do we just have a break, or make the decision to give up completely? I am not getting any younger (36 now) so the longer we leave it the lower our chances....what should we do????

squillosmum sounds like you are being very sensible and self-aware, knowing that the best thing at the moment is to take a break.

36 isn't that old, I would take a break as you said, then see how things are in 6 months or a year, if you are in a better place emotionally etc, think about starting to try again, or take a more permanent decision at that point.
I wouldn't make any break completely permanent just yet.

36 isn't old! There are plenty of women on here older than that trying for their first. I agree with flowerybeanbag you do sound very sensible and self - aware. I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been going through with you DS. If I were you I'd maybe take a few months break as ttc is very stressful without all the other stuff going on. But I'd never say never as it were, don't give up completley just take some time and deal with what's going on right now.

Hope it all works out for you.

I wouldn't give up. You have a lot going on for you but I think the effort to try and conceive another child will be worth it in the long run. Good luck.

Even if you decide to have a break or give up you can still change your mind. Good luck

I wouldn't say never, just wait and see what happens in the future. I'm 39, with 2 children but ttc #3. You've still got another 2 years to go to catch up with me.

Hope all goes well for your son

Deb

Hi SquillosMum. This does sound like a good time for a break. A few months isn't going to make a big difference in your fertility, but might make all the difference in terms of your general sense of well-being.

I'm also TTC through DI. We also have one DS and always wanted more. I've been trying (failing) for about 3 years now (we have a known donor, so at least it's not costing us a fortune.) We have a big drive too, and I hate all the constant planning and monitoring. I wish I could just chill out, have loads of sex and 'let it happen', but that's just not an option for you or me. I think this does make it harder to decide to give up, because if you don't get in that car you know you won't get pregnant. You can't just slowly give up. But perhaps - if/when you do decide to stop - this will be good, because you know you've definately stopped trying and you can get rid of that tiny tortuous hope and get on with the rest of your life.

I agree with the others that you don't necessarily need to decide to stop now. Perhaps decide to reconsider after Christmas, or something. I had a few months off and it made such a difference. This is my first month back on and already I'm a wibbling mess about whether I've missed my ovulation etc etc.

I hope your DS is OK.

Thanks for all your messages of support. Life never ends up how you expect it to, so I think we will just live it and enjoy it for a while without all the added stress of DI treatment and the agonising 2ww. Good luck to those still trying!

Enjoy your break, SM

hi squillosmum, i think u do need a break, it sounds like u have been through alot lately and putting yourself through even more just isnt productive. your son is only 2 so plenty of time for a sibling, ( if u decide to try 4 one) sometimes people are so busy making plans they forget what they have, in your case a lovely son and a husband. thats alot more than some people! good luck, and enjoy your break. x

taking a break is a breath of fresh air, isn't it? I had about 8 DI's and three IVF cycles with one very short but much needed break in between.

Without wanting to be contentious - don't think "36 oh thats so young loads of people have kids older than that", you know that DI chances are lower than "fresh" attempts I'm sure and it is undeniable that fertility generally starts to drop after about 35 fairly sharply - I have several friends who chose to ignore that and failed to get pregnant. So if you decide that this is just a break, my advice would be not to leave it more than 12 months before starting again.

Only you know the relative importance of having another child compared to the strain of fertility treatment combined with your DS's needs. I was heartbroken when I made the decision to give up without ever conceiving but knew that I couldn't take any more and had to move on with life. In my case I knew I had given it what I felt what a fair crack of te whip and that I wouldn't look back and think in 10 yrs - "if only I'd tried for a few more months".

I guess thats always my rule of thumb - if you give up now will you look back in 10 yrs and think that you hadn't really given it a decent chance of success? As I say - you need to answer that for yourself.

(good advice, Kewcumber: I might note this for myself!)

It sounds as though we are in a similar postion, except you have the added pressure of your DS's condition. I too have always wanted more than one child and I think some of that is driven by the fact you don't want your child to be on their own. Plus people are always asking when you going to have another child. We are going to try again and I am 38 and our DS was conceived by IVF with donor sperm. We have had three attempts since he was born and have 3 attempts left. We tried ICSI for 9 attempts before using donor sperm. So I can quite understand your difficulties in coming to a decision. Have a break, have some accupuncture - apparently it is really good for conception and think about it in the spring - April is good month for me Good Luck