LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE!

[chlo04]

Today I just feel like I'm totally losing it!!!

We have been trying for so long now and i feel like we are never going to fall pregnant again.

I've only got one tube now and every month I've convinced myself that it's " my month"

However this month.. I'm not even trying to convince myself, I know it won't be, I know I won't be pregnant.

Anyone else feel like this and feel like SSCREEAMMMING?!

I'll join in the screeeeeeam! 3rd IVF egg collection today after losing both tubes to ectopics
Feeling despondent emotional and pretty crap 😢xx

@chlo04 I feel the same!! Three years in. Fertile period- I'm knackered but know I need to dtd.

I would like to join this scream thread. I'm just this month age 39. Since age 22 I've had 2 ectopics with a tube being removed 😒, 1 MC and 1 non viable in July when I went off Endo meds to start TTC. Up until Nov., my cycles have been consistent at 28-29 days with 4 day bleeds. My Endo meds completely stopped my cycles until I stopped taking them. My OBGYN has me on Letrozole and Progesterone to aid in our TTC journey. In Nov. I had a 26 day cycle with a 2 day bleed and come Dec. I had a 20 day cycle with a 3 day bleed. I stopped temping since I have insomnia and my sleep was always off and started with OPKs this cycle. My first test showed peak at .89 on cd7(the day I started testing) so we been doing the BD since, with some breaks. On CD18 we BD'd and afterwards noticed blood. No clots and it lasted til cd19 then completely stopped. Fast forward to cd22 and I get a 1.23 peak lh surge 😕! 6 days before expected period! Can that even happen?! Since that surge I've still been testing my LH and all my HCG tests have been BFN(the tests are AccuMed online cheapies). I also had what I thought were period cramps since the second surge. I did contact my OBGYN with all this info with pics and all she said was "call me when you get a BFP". Now I'm waiting for my period to start, praying I'm not going through menopause, obsessing over POAS and driving my DH crazy with me 😜! Now I'm playing the 'Pregnant or Period' game because all my apps are reading different start dates. On some I'm late and on others I'm showing a 39-40 day cycle! 🤨😤

@chlo04 I know what it's like to see everyone around you having babies 😔. It's a hurting feeling of hopelessness, anger & frustration! But don't give up hope and even when that hope is lost... I try to think on other alternatives to being a mother. Like adopting or fostering. Hope is never really lost, you see, our struggles just make us believe that it's all over. I hope, one day, we all can see the motherhood light at the end of this tunnel 🥰

Update: sent a message to my OBGYN and going off of my pregnancy history and following my normal cycle of 28-29 days, I'm technically late.
I have to go in tomorrow and get a blood pregnancy test, then another one on Wednesday and then a sonogram on Thursday. I also have to take 200mg of progesterone vaginally, every 8 hrs until we figure out if I'm pregnant or not.

UPDATE: I spoke with my OBGYN this morning. My Progesterone level is 24(she said it's in normal range and that if it was lower than 20 it would be a problem). I just read the my range is also normal if I just ovulate which would make since according to my crazy OPKS(it gave me two peaks).
According to the blood test, I'm not pregnant 😕.
All my other levels are good. She still wants me to take 400mg if Progesterone daily and to up my vitamin D3 from 10,000 to 15,000 for 3 months.
My pain is most likely Endometriosis pain. I have a sonogram tomorrow to look for any issues. Still must schedule a colonoscopy 😒.
Praying everyone else has good news 🤞🏽

@Swife thanks for keeping us all up to date. You poor thing, this must be such a confusing time!

No different over here either! Other than being poorly!

Pretty sure I'm out this month to as I'm sure I won't ovulate when I'm ill ..

How long will we be on these boards? I really do wonder!! 😫 keep going xxxx

Hi @chlo04 just wanted to say that I was ill during expected ovulation but it just delayed ovulation for a week, so there's nothing to say you won't ovulate this cycle, may just be a little later :) sending you luck x

@chlo04 thanks. Seems we'll be starting a new month together😆. After speaking with my doc, it's like, "Yea, I'm fine", but 😔no baby. I really feel defeated today. I can't really talk to DH about ALL I truly feel. Not because he's a jerk or anything but because I partly blame him and his wanting to wait so long. And don't get me wrong, there was logic to his wanting to wait (mostly my health) but I don't feel men really understand that there's a real time limit to the baby making thing😒.

Oh well TTC MONTH #9 here we come🤪😜

Got some good news today. I had my sonogram done and, hooray!, my uterus is PERFECT! And I am, in fact, ovulating. I still need to schedule the colonoscopy but I'm good and just waiting for my AF to arrive so we can start again.
My doc feels like I went wonky because, in my depression from the last loss, I went off track with keeping my Endometriosis diet so this is a flare. I'm getting back on track TODAY!

I hope everyone one else is doing well in their journey as well.