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Conception

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Original poster

Waiting is dreadful and pointless........

53 replies

alreadysad · 20/09/2004 11:05

I've changed my name for this.
We're coming to the end of fertility treatment - we've had our last go at IUI and I'm waiting to find out - in the next few days - if it's worked. I don't think it has as the days weren't quite right and I don't feel remotely pg - just pre-menstral.
We already have one gorgeous child and have been ttc number 2 for so long now - complete with treatments and miscarriage etc etc and are both just done in by the whole thing. We have given ourselves permission to stop. But I'm just so sad about it all. About acknowledging that there'll be no more little babies (I've kept all the stuff just in case)and about ours never having a sibling and so on.
I just wanted some support really - this is going to be such a difficult week and I feel very down about it all.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 20/09/2004 11:08

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cab · 20/09/2004 11:15

Alreadysad I hope you get through the next few days ok.
To help pass the time perhaps you could prepare a list of the good points of having just one special one and think about positive things that you're going to do if it doesn't work out.
Look after yourself xxxx

NomDePlume · 20/09/2004 11:23

It is so natural to feel all these things, alreadysad. You eventually reach the end of the line, emotions-wise, where ttc is concerned. I think you're being very strong making the decision to stop trying. Enormous hugs to you

P.S. You never know what might happen with the remainder of this cycle. Best of luck with the results. x

Marina · 20/09/2004 11:44

Alreadysad, I'm sitting here feeling very sad for you. I know at least one person contemplating this scenario. You have to be very strong to make the decision yourselves, I think, and I salute you for doing it.
As Twiglett says, let yourself grieve and as Cab says, whenever you feel able, focus on the advantages of one special child.
Our circumstances were different but after we lost a baby whom we felt was really our last chance it helped to have the room to put all the baby stuff in the loft, where I couldn't see it. I hope yours is out of sight until you feel ready to deal with it. Thinking of you.

hester · 20/09/2004 12:45

Alreadysad, your post has moved me almost to tears. I so feel for what you're going through. I'm 40 and will soon be facing the end of my own assisted reproduction. Nothing to show for it, and trying to get used to the idea of a future without children. I have nothing useful to add to others' words, but please do ask for as much support as you need over the coming days and weeks.

bran · 20/09/2004 12:51

I do feel for you alreadysad. If it's any help, when I stopped treatment for good I felt as though a weight was lifted from me. It didn't work, but I felt that I had tried my best and given it a really good shot. Once all the hormones had left my system I really felt much healthier and more optimistic.

The last implantation was probably my lowest point in the whole process though, I was sure that it wouldn't work. In fact, deep down I hoped that it wouldn't as I couldn't face another miscarriage, really I did it so that I wouldn't have to make a decision in the future about the frozen embryos, and I couldn't bring myself to destroy them.

Be kind to yourself, it's a difficult time, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Original poster
alreadysad · 20/09/2004 13:18

Thankyou so much for responding, it is genuinely such a help to hear from you all. I know there's no way out of this but through it and eventually I will have a better perspective on it all. I'm just dreading getting my AF, dreading it.
Hester - my heart goes out to you and I am so sorry that you didn't achieve what you wanted to, thankyou for replying to my post.

OP posts:
sis · 20/09/2004 20:08

alreadysad, bran, and hester, I am so sorry that you may have to have or already have had to accept a smaller family than the one you had hoped for. I wish I could say something more constructive to help you through it but I am afraid all I can do is offer sympathy.

MancMum · 20/09/2004 20:48

alreadysad, not sure what I can say as I have been in your shoes for a long while but did get my 2nd eventually... took a long long time and serveral IUIs to have my 2nd child and I did hit some very dark places on the journey when it looked like it would not work and I did get rid of everything baby related... I grieved a long time for the sibling relationship my DS would not have but eventually came to some peace with it by making sure he had as full a life as possible with an open door policy for friends at home and I used the free time from not having another to benefit me...

I did have a m/c as well and I still do not feel my family is totally complete as I feel there should be 3 .. but DH can not face the emotions of trying for another when odds are so low.. we are now 40's... so I can still feel some of the old pain, but just concentrate on massive gratitude for what I have but still bitching under my breath when others get pg at drop of hat...

I do feel so much for you and hope you get thru this week ... it might still be good news.. but I do feel that secondary infertility is in some ways more painful than primary... I felt I was letting my DS down which was somehow worse that letting me and DH down.. I did get a lot of support from a secondary infertility group on fertilityfriends.co.uk - might be worth checking that out?

My thoughts are with you....

OldieMum · 20/09/2004 20:53

Just sending some warm thoughts. We are likely to be facing the same decision soon and I know how painful it all is. Good to hear from others going through this, too.

biketastic · 20/09/2004 20:59

i hate to be somebody who says glibly "have you thought about adoption?"
I am adopted, and am so grateful to have been cared for and loved by people who are not my blood relations.
It is such a perfect thing to do, You would love another child , and i don't want to come across as too simplistic or manipulative, but there is a child out there who would love to live with a kind caring family like yours. My friends are just about to meet their prosective dd, aged 2.3yrs
It makes me so happy that this can happen.
I knwo you might have discounted it, and forgive me for barging in, but think again. CAT me if you like...
hugs anyway, I hope it all works out for you whatever you choose.

Issymum · 20/09/2004 21:17

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

willow2 · 20/09/2004 22:45

alreadysad and hester - just wanted to send you both a massive hug.

Original poster
alreadysad · 21/09/2004 08:55

Thankyou again so much - please don't underestimate how helpful it has been to read your replies.
Adoption is not something we have ruled out at all - something we've not really thought about. I think with treatment for infertility you really do live from month to month and rarely raise your head up to think too much about the wider future. But once this is over DH and I have pencilled in 'a big chat' to talk about what happens next...we might even give up our jobs and go abroad for a while if we can live off the proceeds of letting out our house. Anything to be together and go through some sort of healing process. It'll give us the chance to explore other ideas. Thankyou again for your lovely thoughts.

OP posts:
Batters · 21/09/2004 16:18

This reply has been deleted

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bundle · 21/09/2004 17:03

I have a friend who's not even in a relationship - let alone trying to conceive - and as she's 44, I feel that it may be time to gently suggest that it might not happen. i feel bad about this as i have two beautiful daughters. i asked her if she'd thought of adoption and she wasn't keen, really wanted to experience birth etc (we did talk about another friend who has adopted, and she agreed that her relationship with her adopted dd was just as good as mine with my dd's). i don't want to be gloomy for her, but want to say the right things if it comes up again without seeming a smug, married mum of 2. lots of hugs to everyone in this situation, especially alreadysad & hester.

motherinferior · 21/09/2004 17:04

Take care.

Original poster
alreadysad · 27/09/2004 08:53

I've feel a bit silly writing this now but I've had 2 positive pg tests so I guess I must be! Who'd have thought it? Not me for sure.
I know I'm right up there in the m/c stats given my age and history but hey....we're as delighted as can be. Thanks for all your kind thoughts. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Issymum · 27/09/2004 08:55

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Papillon · 27/09/2004 08:56

Good luck and all the best - relax and enjoy yourself

ladymuck · 27/09/2004 08:57

Congratulations and good luck!

aloha · 27/09/2004 09:39

Oh, hooray! Congratulations to you. How old are you anyway?

aloha · 27/09/2004 09:40

And who are you really!

Pidge · 27/09/2004 09:46

How wonderful and amazing - don't these things so often happen when you've given up all hope.

Tessiebear · 27/09/2004 10:12

Fantastic news - try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy!