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Conception

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Original poster

Should I tell my bosses i may ttc??

81 replies

sjess2019 · 21/01/2019 18:51

Sorry in advance for the essay! Looking for advice!

Started a new job last may as a manager with my own client portfolio (I’m an accountant), got married in August and we had agreed to put off trying for baby number 2 until I got my feet well under the table with my new job.

To be honest hubby also wasn’t sure he wanted another, he had sort of come round to the idea and we decided we’d try for another baby in 2020, to give birth 2021, which I was happy enough with.

Hubby has now said maybe we should try earlier as our first born will be 6 when we have number 2, that’s assuming we conceive straight away as well so could be older!

Anyway now hubby has made a hint at trying this summer, I’ve gone all doolally and can’t get babies out of my head!

My problem is I have a client portfolio, which ultimately the clients are my responsibility, but my thoughts are that I have a window of opportunity to conceive, in hope that I can give birth in our quiet period at work, then have a relatively short period off work and then work from home, so that in theory it shouldn’t effect them too much. I appreciate this however is in an ideal scenario that I will actually conceive!

I’m just wondering what to do, and wether it would be better to sit down and explain that I don’t want it to effect my position there, and that I don’t want to piss them off! My thoughts are that it would be better to get it out of the way, before my client list gets too large for it to be manageable, and hope that they agree!

One of my bosses sort of hinted the other week when we were discussing other staff, and said it was obviously a consideration when hiring me, and I said it was one of my concerns also. He pretty much said that it’s the ‘suprise’ ones that are hard to deal with, but if we knew it was happening we could plan for it and we would work it out.

If I don’t conceive at the time I need to, I would wait until the year after, and this is what I would want to explain to them.

Any thoughts? Kind of wish hubby hadn’t put this idea in my head! Is it daft to have this discussion with them when I will have only worked with them for 12 months or so? Or will they respect me for it and the fact that I want to do it in a way that impacts them the least?!

P.s they do seem happy with me - told me before Xmas pretty much that I’m smashing it so I’ve no worries in that department! And all in all I’d be planning to be off for 2 months propper maternity, then working from home say 2 days a week for a further 3 months (in the office for occasional client meetings), and back properly after 5 months ready for the run up to the busy period.

Would really appreciate someone’s thoughts.

Thank you!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 21/01/2019 18:53

Don’t say anything until there’s something to say. Would be madness.

Incredibly unprofessional of them to hint that they considered pregnancy and work load for others too

5FullFathoms · 21/01/2019 18:55

You’d be absolutely mad to do this. Don’t even consider it.

Onandonandons · 21/01/2019 18:56

No don't say anything. You might not conceive. It will just cause anxiety for them and even could lead to them discriminating against you.

JustHereForThePooStories · 21/01/2019 18:57

Absolutely not. You have no reason to discuss your sex life with your employers.

CurlsLDN · 21/01/2019 19:02

I would say that telling them, basically, that you're stepping up the shagging will make them view you in a worse light than bringing the 'problem' to their door only when it is a 'problem'.

I am a manager and have had a team member tell me she was TTC, that's because she was beginning IVF and wanted to make me aware of the increased medical appointments. I was pleased and surprised she had confided in me, and supported her wholeheartedly through her journey.
If the circumstances were 'normal', ie she was getting busy but nothing to report yet I'd have thought she was mad to tell me, and it would have put me in a difficult position, as she'd basically be asking me to forward plan when there was nothing to plan for, no idea of timings etc

Original poster
sjess2019 · 21/01/2019 19:10

Maybe I’m just too honest, but I feel they have given me this huge opportunity and don’t want them to think I’ve thrown it in their faces, or been sneaky by not being upfront with them, especially when a retiring consultants workload is going to be coming to me this year and that’s been the plan from the start.

For any employer to not consider maternity would be ludacris! Yes they aren’t allowed to ask etc these days, but they are a business at the end of the day and I can’t blame them for not wanting to be left in the lurch, which some people would do.

This is a form where I intend to spend the rest of my career, and the long term plan on both sides is partnership, so I just don’t want to mess that up.

Part of me thinks that if I did tell them, and they were to discriminate against me in any way (I don’t think in the slightest they would do this), then they obviously don’t appreciate me, and therefore isn’t where I would want to be long term anyway!

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 21/01/2019 19:12

Absolutely not. I am very close to my colleagues and my boss who I consider my friends. My considerable workload will have to be found a temporary home when I eventually go on maternity leave and I know that will be a headache for my lovely boss, but I wouldn't share very personal information like that with him. That same boss I'm sure has an inkling we've been trying again after a mc last year but he's professional enough to know it's not his lookout. We'll have the guts of six months to sort out my cases once I announce. It sounds like they were trying to feel out your immediate plans/views about having more children generally rather than send a hint about wanting to know when you're trying to conceive.

Take a look around the conception boards. For some couples it's a happy time and everything goes to plan. For others it's not as straightforward, and indeed it's completely normal for couples with no issues to be trying six months or more. If you don't conceive exactly when you want to (and you don't have a massive window) or have a loss then not only would you be dealing with crushing disappointment (there is literally a thread called that) but you'll also be the focus of "office womb watch", and feeling guilty because you want to keep trying even though your EDD would fall outside this convenient quiet work period. Just don't do it.

Original poster
sjess2019 · 21/01/2019 19:16

That’s the difference here tho, I’m in a managers position, I’m sure you planning to be away from work for a period of time is very different than your staff member. I have no intention of discussing my sex life, can’t believe that it’s seen as such a taboo subject it’s the circle of life!!

And to portray that trying to conceive means upping the ‘shagging’ and therefore seen in a bad light is crazy!!

OP posts:
Explorers10 · 21/01/2019 19:17

I'm an accountant too so can understand the role. I wouldn't say anything about TTC. I would remain professional and continue doing a great job. Going on maternity leave and having a baby is life and no job is worth more than that. I didn't tell my employer until I was nineteen weeks pregnant, legally you have to tell them fifteen weeks before childbirth but I was showing so couldn't disguise it anymore. Anyway things changed when I came back to work after nine months on maternity leave. They coped with the workload with me being off but I also felt a bit worthless when I came back as in I didn't feel I was needed. A lot happens in a job with new team members and management change. Also I agree with the others it can take a while to conceive so you don't want to put your foot in it too soon and other positions could come up so they may think twice if they know your planning another one. They shouldn't as its unfair discrimination but we all know people get round it

DameSylvieKrin · 21/01/2019 19:17

How would you be leaving them in the lurch if you told them after the 12w scan? For most people that would be more notice than if you quit the job. Young men change jobs more frequently than young women, do they avoid hiring young men in case they leave?

halfwitpicker · 21/01/2019 19:18

No.

Original poster
sjess2019 · 21/01/2019 19:19

If you read my thread I did say I was talking in an ideal world!! I was talking hypothetically! I am well aware of issues people have, this post was asking for advice not criticism!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2019 19:21

Based on your title alone, no.

Based on your essay, no

To, boss, just thought I'd let you know me and hubby aren't using protection any more. I mean it might take several years to concieve but I'll be sure to update you monthly.

OK it wouldn't be that crass but it's what it boils down to.

By all means tell them once you're pregnant as early as you can if you're hard to cover but you have so little clue and control over conception and the forthcoming years

Notmorewashing · 21/01/2019 19:23

No way! How disgusting they won’t tolerate “the surprise ones”

Life goes on your job is not life and death, they will find cover.

cosycashmere · 21/01/2019 19:24

Totally ridiculous. Is your husband going to tell his work?!
Having a baby is not taking the piss or being a bad employee. Its attitudes like that that are preventing a move towards real equality for women in the workplace.
However senior you are, they'll survive without you while you're on maternity leave.

Original poster
sjess2019 · 21/01/2019 19:28

Didn’t say they won’t tolerate, I said they are harder to deal with which is true!

OP posts:
Fraula · 21/01/2019 19:28

Don't tell them. Don't believe they won't discriminate, they may well surprise you; it happens to too many women.

Weezol · 21/01/2019 19:30

Don't be ridiculous. MP's, Army Officers, Duchesses, and Surgeons all take maternity leave and enjoy the legal protection provided by pregnancy and infant care responsibilities.

The company won't fall apart without you.

LincolnOceanVictorEdward · 21/01/2019 19:33

What Justhere said - with bells on.

PinkHeart5914 · 21/01/2019 19:34

NO!

Original poster
sjess2019 · 21/01/2019 19:35

No he wouldn’t...because it wouldn’t effect his role in the slightest. I didn’t start this post to be called ridiculous!

They have actually taken me on in as the only senior woman in the workplace.

It was more my thoughts of not wanting to look bad 12 months into a new job telling them I’m pregnant!

Yes a child is more important to me, but I do my job and respect my position to provide the best I can for my family, and despite what ‘rights’ I have, the fact I could be spending the rest of my career with these people I don’t want to get on the wrong side of them simple as!

OP posts:
1poppy1 · 21/01/2019 19:36

It's clear that you are one of the many people who think it is fine to discriminate against women of childbearing age. Many of us are likely to feel that this is disgusting, verging on immoral as well as illegal.

If you want to tell your employer, or risk not having a second child in order to accommodate discriminatory practises, then go for it. Don't be so naive as to think that other women, many of whom have been discriminated against multiple times in the past, will give you a big hand for doing so.

I'm a qualified accountant too BTW, so please don't patronise me by telling me I'm too thick and junior to understand your complex position.

Porridgeoat · 21/01/2019 19:36

Why would they need more then 5 months notice of giving birth?

SweetAsSpice · 21/01/2019 19:36

Hell to the no.

Singlenotsingle · 21/01/2019 19:38

Everyone so far has said no, don't do it, OP. That's the advice you're getting. If you are determined to do it your way, that's your choice, but you asked...!