All those STC (struggling to conceive) - what do you say to people when they ask if you're going to have children/more children?

[nomoremagnolia]

Off to a family wedding at the w/e just KNOW this will be asked by every relative. I need a quick one-liner to shut them up. I really don't want to be told to relax!
Our situation is that we have been STC no1 for nearly 18 months, know dh has a problem which means we need assisted conception, waiting for results of my blood tests before we get referred.
I don't really need any advice about our situation, just about what to say to the rellies.
TIA

There are a no. of ways to go here. Depends whether you want to shut them up or tell them the truth.

"We're taking a break from trying and letting nature take it's course."

Sure there will be lots of better ones along, but this is one I used.

Hope you can enjoy the day despite the questions

Depends if its someone you're happy to annoy or not

'we're looking for a donor- did you want to apply / lend your dh' would shut people up I think but probably a gentle 'time will tell' or 'we'll tell you when we have any news, if we have any' would be more usable with people you actually care about.

Sympathies btw

I don't want to lie or be too rude to anyone, it's just if anyone tells me to relax I get and if they're too nice I get Was trying to think of a suitable way to kill the conversation without being rude. I was thinking of "when we get to the top of the waiting list" but I want something that really tells them the subject is closed, no further questions/advice.

questions/advice from them I mean, not you guys - I need all the help I can get (in more ways than one!)

Then perhaps when we have any news we'll make sure you're one of the first to know?

how about a simple 'i'd rather not discuss that and oh look at aunt jocasta dancing with her knickers tucked into her dress'. i know what you mean about the relax thing, worst thing is i used to say that to people.

good luck ttc and enjoy the wedding.

I tell people that "I'd love another but unfortunately the fertility god isn't currently on my side". we've been ttc for just over two years now and dh was diagnosed with low sperm count in August of last year so we realistically know it's not going to happen. people generally don't ask again after that.

also, as I already have a ds I do sometimes say that "but I'm very lucky because I do at least have one child", so making it clear that I am grateful for the things I do have rather than for the things I don't/aan't.

I say, "we would like to, but these things are not up to us now, are they?", all chirpy like but in a "nuff said" kind of a way.

I just say "I will tell you if it happens, but I prefer not to talk about it right now, I just want to enjoy the (wedding/view/party/fun)",

helps to stop them asking further questions, but does not help me stay in a positive mood, so I too would like a good catchphrase to utilise. I hope someone has one to share.

Nomoremagnolia - Hey chick! I have been thinking about this myself, as we are due to see family and friends soon, so I can just imagine the barrage of questions.

Do your family/friends know you are trying? if they do then I would be inclined to just say "hopefully, soon" and change the subject.

If they don't know you are trying (my situation) - I am thinking, when asked "so, when are we going to hear the patter of tiny feet?" of just responding "not for a while yet". It's not lying as such, because even if you conceive straight away, it'll be a while til the baby comes

I'd go for the 'its not up to us' line or something similar.

We're 'lucky' in one way in that I had a m/c last year (bare with me on the luck point !) and our close family and friends know about this and so don't ask. However, other people who I don't want to share this info with do of course often ask 'so are you having more' to which I just reply 'I hope so'. Anyone with any sensitivity should get the point and shut up !

Mind you, no one has asked me this for a while so I may be just as likely to burst into tears next time. That'd shut them up .

Good luck.

Ready - I was thinking about you the other day because the wedding's in Manchester

Wheelybug - it's the bursting into tears bit I'm worried about!

Aw. sorry. That really shouldn't have been such a big grin on the end - its kind of more of a manic 'laugh or cry' grin.

I think I've got one of those grins in my repotoire somewhere. It comes with the mad optimism and crashing misery doesn't it?

I have also found that a "it's taking a long time and I'm finding it really difficult" usually either means that they back off or sets the tone for a more honest discussion. The nosey ones just back off and the ones I care about then actually know how I feel.

Luckily for us, no-one is still expecting us to be trying after such a large gap (nearly 10 years), and/or think we're too old anyway. This means that we have very few obnoxious comments to field, and few hurtful things said.

I'd be tempted to tell them it's none of their business, but then again, I am a complete cow, but then again it's easy to be caught with your defenses down and just cry instead, or show your vulnerability.

How about a cheery "Well, of course you'll be the first to know when it happens!", and then tell them last.

Duchesse - unfortunately we're the opposite - been married 5 years next month and have been 'lapped' by both of my cousins who got married after me and have both reproduced before me.

I have in the past lied and said we were taking a break for a while. I have also said things along the lines of 'it's in the lap of the gods' or once I said to a woman who asked me at the swimming pool 'ooh touchy subject' and she dropped it like a hot potato.

Maybe you need to use a different response to each different relative as you see appropriate. It might prevent it coming out tired and the more you say the same thing the more sad it might make you.