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Conception

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Original poster

Egg Donor.... should I or not? what if? grrr

52 replies

boysandtoria · 08/03/2007 10:44

Hi

Just wanted to get the view from people, I have after reading several news pleas in our local paper for egg donors, I called and a lovely lady asked me a few questions. I have now had a letter with all sorts of info in it which when my ds go to bed i will read. I know that if I pass all the tests i should go through with it, my fear is that in 18 years will a young adult approach me and tell me I didnt want them.... now I didnt even think this way till a close friend put the thought into my head.... grrr anyhoo your feelings please. Will let you know when i have read the info.

toria x

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/03/2007 10:57

Sorry, but I couldn't do this personally.

The procedure to mature the eggs and harvest them is quite invasive, and the long-term health effects of injecting oneself with all these drugs is unknown.

Not to mention the fact that your biological child will be out there, somewhere, being brought up and you will have no control over how.

I'd keep thinking, 'What if they abused my child? Hurt her? Make her feel bad? Get a divorce and put her through hell? etc.' What if she came out disabled and they felt it was all my fault and treated her accordingly?

I know people will say it's not likely, but it can happen.

And yes, it is not anonymous. And I wouldn't want to hurt someone who tried to find me, who may already have feelings of abandonment, or how would my other children feel, knowing they had a sister or brother out there that I deliberately produced and didn't let them know?

It could rip my family apart. I couldn't do that to them. I have to think about their possible feelings, too.

Nope. Couldn't do this.

Original poster
boysandtoria · 08/03/2007 11:02

Thanks for your honest view, just wanted to know others views, before i make my own choice.

Thanks again

toria x

OP posts:
evenhope · 08/03/2007 11:08

I agree with expat. I couldn't go through life knowing I had another biological child out there but not being able to see them. And what if he/she met one of my own kids in later life and got together with them, not knowing they were related? Could happen.

Original poster
boysandtoria · 08/03/2007 11:13

True, it could, just taking it all in at the mo.

thanks

toria x

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 08/03/2007 11:14

Its something I wanted to do (before two of mne were dx as SN, (I wouldn't be able now- possible genetic link) because despite what ExP said (all very valid viewpoints) I wanted to do the help another couple thing. I think it depends a lot on how you would view the child: I would see it as being theirs, as the Mum carried the baby and Dad (Or a donor) fertilised it- that's a very personal thing that only you can define for yourself I think. And yes I ahve heard the collection procedure can be painful and also involve quite bad mood swings.

Its all down to how you feel. If it is something you can do, then it is a wonderful thing imo. But you have to be really, really sure.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2007 13:09

Have a look at www.hfea.gov.uk - it has lots of information for potential egg donors. procedure tha

Piffle · 08/03/2007 13:10

I know a woman who donated several times
she ended up with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome and became infertile which devastated her new marriage
Think very carefully about all aspects

monkeymonkeymoomoo · 08/03/2007 13:12

My cousin and his wife had two babies through egg donation, it is an amazing thing to do and gives such joy to couples with severe infertility problems.

monkeymonkeymoomoo · 08/03/2007 13:13

Oh and the donors are godparents and don't view the baby as theirs due to them not carrying the baby (i.e. surrogacy) and having the hormonal responses to the baby.

Original poster
boysandtoria · 08/03/2007 13:35

I wont know who get the eggs if I choose to go ahead, also reading the info its seems that if the parents of the baby feel something is my fault ( illness etc) I can be sued, mad does not seem I would be protected at all, I want to do it cos I believe my children are my life and I think those who want to have a baby and cant should be given a chance, saying that I dont want to be sued for the child having curly hair( unlikely I know) but there are no rules to say what I canbe sued for and can not. All too much to think about, need a coffee and a game of cars with the little ones I think.

xx

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/03/2007 14:06

The big thing is that it is not anonymous. And not without some potentially serious side effects.

I mean, people have DIED of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 08/03/2007 14:14

it's the lack of anonimity that would put me off doing it tbh.

If you could donate anonomously, go through the procedures to collect the eggs (although I personally would be put off by those as well) and never know whether a baby resulted from your donation and effectively just moved on with your life it would be one thing, but to donate and know that there's a chance that you could have several children out there who would come knocking on your door in 18 years time is quite another.

KezzaG · 08/03/2007 14:50

I really wanted to do this a little while ago, I thought it would be a really nice thing to do for someone. what better gift than having a child.

I went for a chat with a consultant at a fertility clinic in London and just couldnt go throigh with it. I was very very surpised at my reaction to it.

what really clinched it was when he started talking about the timing involved to get the donor and donee (is that the word?) ready at the same time. He said as some potential parents came from abroad to be treated it was even more important as they needed to be able to time their visit to the UK to receive the eggs. Now I am absolutely not xenophobic in any way but I think I just had this notion that my child would be raised by someone like me, have similar experiences to those I had growing up etc. I suddenly had this image of some rich couple flying in, gettng my eggs and then disappearing, and my child would be seperated from me by country and language.

I didnt expect to feel like that but I couldnt go through with it.

I still think it is a wonderful thing to do if you can, and would consider it again in the future.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2007 15:02

I see my little girls, how they are growing and how overwheled I am with love for them, and I can't imagine their being brought up by someone else, and someone else seeing myself in them.

Or the thought of creating a human being with someone I don't even know, who paid for my genetic material.

Not for me!

funnypeculiar · 08/03/2007 15:07

I started a thread on this a couple of days agohere

After discussion, dh & I have decided we won't for it in the instance described because it's too close & yet not close enough (iykwim) but I defn haven't ruled it out for the future.

Good for you for thinking of it - it's a wonderful gift to give someone, imho...

evansg01 · 08/03/2007 15:31

Hi Boysandtoria

I'm glad you have started this thread. I'm 44 and after a miscarriage, fertility treatment and every test under the sun I've been told the only hope for me to carry a child a be a mother is to have a donor egg. My Dh is much younger than me and I think it is unfair on him that he can not have children just because he fell in love with an 'old' woman.

My DH and I have investigated all possibilities and have decided that we would like treatment in the UK so if the child wished they could trace the donor. We know that we could get quick treatment in Spain, Russia etc but the donations are anonymous and the donor is paid to donate eggs.

In the UK basic expenses are paid and you have to wait for an angel - a woman who is willing to undergo an invasive procedure in order to give someone like me the gift of motherhood. We struggle that we don't know much about the donor, but we had a very good discussion with a counsellor.

She said women fall into two categories, they either see their own eggs as babies or a single cell that gets wasted and flushed down the toilet every month. Those who see them as 'babies' can not give them away and are too emotionally attached to them. Those who consider them as cells are willing to go through what ever it takes to have them collected and put to a good use. Apparently egg donors all have very similar profiles, educated, organised, caring, are willing to take a personal risk in order to help another woman experience motherhood. They also seriously think about what would happen if an adult came looking for them.

From the advice given to us a donor child has a different viewpoint to an adopted child. I would carry and give birth to the child and would be the name on the birth certificate. We would tell our child from an early age how they were conceived and it would be up to them if they ever wanted to trace the donor. If they did I would recommend that they spoke to a counsellor to understand their expectations of the donor. They do not have a 'second' mother out there but they do hang off the branches of the donors genetic tree. I understand why a child would like to 'see' what the donor looks like and if they have any family characteristics. I would hope that the child as an adult got the opportunity to meet the donor, and was able to say thank you in person for giving them the gift of life. I know not all families are perfect and no parent is gauranteed that their own child will like or love them (or vice versa).

I'm Scottish and have checked with family and friends but no-one is of the right age to be able to help. I've contacted the National Gamete Donation Trust and they help you in trrying to find a donor. I'm thinking of displaying posters looking for donors in the Glasgow/South West of Scotland area. I'm a great believer that angels walk amongst us so maybe one will see our request for help and come forward.

We are going to give donor egg/IVF three goes and if it fails we will then go down the adoption route. I'm determined that before my life is over I will be a mother, but I first want to try to be the mother of my husbands baby.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2007 15:43

I think if I were going to do it - it's a moot point, anyhow, as I am 36 and considered too old - I wouldn't want to be paid for it.

I don't know how I feel about that.

It's how it's done in the US, and I think it makes young women put themselves at risk without really thinking it through because they are desperate for money.

Also, what about poorer couples who can't afford to pay big prices?

Some donors in the US can make pretty significant amounts if they meet certain criterion with regards to looks, colouring and education level.

KezzaG · 08/03/2007 15:49

Evans what a lovely heartfelt post. I think if I could meet the parents to be and felt I had some bond with them it would have made a huge difference to the decision I eventually made.

Expat, I agree, it should be donation and not payment. Im sure women must do it for the wrong reasons if money is at stake.

evansg01 · 08/03/2007 15:50

I like the system in the UK. I would prefer to tell my child that they were conceived because I kind person gave us a gift. Not that we trawled through websites/countries finding the cheapest treatment and a young students probably sold their eggs and can not be traced.

The down side is that in the UK you have to be patient or very pro-active in finding an angel that would help.

janinlondon · 08/03/2007 15:52

This here is something I posted in a previous thread - I had OHSS and a number of other complications in egg retrieval. Basically risked my life to conceive, which is what you will be doing. You need to think really carefully about it. I wouldn't do it again even to have a sibling for my gorgeous daughter.

monkeymonkeymoomoo · 08/03/2007 15:53

I feel sad at the number of negative posts

expatinscotland · 08/03/2007 15:56

I don't see it as negative, moo, it's NOT for all people, and it's important for women to consider all that is involved and examine how they feel before they go through with it.

Some donors in the US can basically sell their eggs to the highest bidder and realise tens of thousands of dollars for each successful harvest.

monkeymonkeymoomoo · 08/03/2007 15:56

I agree expat, but I don't this is a balanced viewpoint. I have seen the up side of egg donation.. also because I have a fertility problem I know how desperate people can get.

KezzaG · 08/03/2007 15:56

Do you think they are negative Monkey, or just people being very honest about their emotions when faced with a moral choice? I think it is nice that people love thier dc's so much that they find it hard to imagine someone else doing the job for them.

Have you been or would you be a doner? genuine question, I would like to hear about someone who has done it and is happy with their choice.

monkeymonkeymoomoo · 08/03/2007 15:57

I know two women who have done and never regretted their decision.