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Original poster

Egg Donor.... should I or not? what if? grrr

52 replies

boysandtoria · 08/03/2007 10:44

Hi

Just wanted to get the view from people, I have after reading several news pleas in our local paper for egg donors, I called and a lovely lady asked me a few questions. I have now had a letter with all sorts of info in it which when my ds go to bed i will read. I know that if I pass all the tests i should go through with it, my fear is that in 18 years will a young adult approach me and tell me I didnt want them.... now I didnt even think this way till a close friend put the thought into my head.... grrr anyhoo your feelings please. Will let you know when i have read the info.

toria x

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 08/03/2007 15:58

i donated 9 years ago, i have no regrets and it's meant that a couple have a little girl as a direct result, what better gift is there? i would not be doing anything with my eggs anyway they would just have been wasted.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2007 16:02

The OP asked for views from people, and so she is getting them, both from people who could not consider it - and they've shared why - and those who have.

I don't see what is negative about that.

evansg01 · 08/03/2007 16:08

I don't think the views are too negative. Everyone has to assess the benefits/risks on an individual basis.

My question is - for those that would not donate eggs, now that you have experienced motherhood, if the tables had been turned and you could not have your own children - would you consider using donor eggs or would you chose to remain childless (or adopt)?

monkeymonkeymoomoo · 08/03/2007 16:10

Good question Evans

janinlondon · 08/03/2007 16:12

Evans we had decided to go childless if the IVF didn't work.

KezzaG · 08/03/2007 16:13

good question. For me I would have considered adoption. The desperately sad situations of some children in the world would make me think that I could turn a sad situation of me not being able to have children, into a positiver thing and make a childs life better. I can fully understand why people want to experience pg and childbirth themselves though.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2007 16:19

I would have opted to remain childfree.

onlyjoking9329 · 08/03/2007 16:27

we had real difficulties having our three so being an egg donor was our way of giving something back, it was a great thing to do and i have 3 letters from the couple which i will always keep and treasure.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 08/03/2007 16:30

I don't think that the posts have been negative actually. in fact I think that it is quite an accurate reflection of society - I think that there are far far less women who would be prepared to donate than there are who feel that it's not for them.

as to the question of whether to have a child through donated eggs/sperm or to go for adoption, I would have chosen to remain childless.

mrsmalumbas · 08/03/2007 16:30

Part of me thinks it is not a child but just a bundle of cells - normally flushed down the loo each month. On the other hand I guess technically it is half a baby. I could only donate an egg to someone known to me and very special to me e.g a sister (although I don't actaully have one, but hypothetically) or a very close friend. Then I would feel I would know how the child would be brought up and would get joy from seeing them. I know you can't do known donor IVF here but you can overseas. Anyway it's a bit academic now as I am too old.

Original poster
boysandtoria · 08/03/2007 16:31

Hi

well there are some good food for thought on the views so far,
I must say I dont see it as giving up a child as like many they get wasted every month.
My husband has had his bits chopped but before hand we were asked by a childless couple for DH to donate some sperm and I was happy as was he with this.
Now in my case there will be alot I will have to do to make this happen and there is some risk, but as in everything you do there is risk.
Also in the UK money is not an option you get paid £15 for your eggs and travel expenses, now if I was doing this for money, me thinks becoming a lady of the night may pay better ( but alass my body would scare most lol) no really thou £15 you can keep it as I am not in this for the money.

Also I would love to know the parents if possible and in a ideal world it would be a good friend but most of my friends are now mothers or fathers so that is the end to that one.

Still I am thinking on.

OP posts:
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 08/03/2007 16:54

What would concern me is, as anonymity has only been taken away recently, there is as yet no evidence to show how a child born out of a doner egg/sperm has been affected by meeting their biological parents some years down the track, or how the biological parents of those children are affected by being traced by that child.

IMO it?s a totally different kettle of fish if you?re doing it anonomously. Effectively you might as well be flushing those eggs, you have the procedure, and then you move on. You can say ?oh I donated eggs once?, but you know deep down you?ll never know the child, will never know what kind of life they?ve had, what they?ve done, where they grew up, what their parents were really like. But with the removal of anonymity that all changes IMO. You have the procedure and you know that 18 years down the line there?s a chance that a child who is biologically yours could come knocking on your door. And what if they didn?t have a good life? What if the parents you thought you were helping to realize their dreams weren?t wonderful parents? What if they didn?t give that child the kind of upbringing he/she deserved? IMO the potential for guilt over giving away a part of yourself to potentially be abused by someone else is huge. And what if that child didn?t come and trace you? Would you not start to wonder why? Would you not spend the rest of your life wondering if they ever wondered about you? Why they didn?t want to know where they?d come from? If they were still alive even?

There?s no way I could put myself through that.

evansg01 · 08/03/2007 17:19

Thank you all for answering my question. It is nice to know that those who could not be a donor would not use donated eggs.

In my heart I believe that I would have been an egg donor, if I had had the opportunity. I donate blood, was on the bone marrow register until I got too old and DH knows to give away my organs if I was in a fatal accident . I will keep to the donor egg treatment option and hopefully find my donor angel soon.

Original poster
boysandtoria · 08/03/2007 17:24

I have thought about how would I feel and I must say I dont see it as my child hence why i am even thinking of it, on the other hand I did wake up in a sweat the other night I had a dream that 18 years down the line 18 young adults traced me all looking for back pay in child support, haha ( was not laughing at the time)..... so its something I am thinking about all the time.

I am very laid back and I always try to talk myself out of everything, I was brought up by my real parents and I had not the best childhood in the world, at 21 i was told I would never have kids and I now have two.

What would my life be without them? what is someone elses life without a child?

Still thinking!

OP posts:
Original poster
boysandtoria · 09/03/2007 08:49

Ok latest is i have been told I cant be a donor. I have a disorder called Factor V lieden ( thick blood) anyhoo after the nurse went away to find out if this would not be a problem she came back unsure, as no one on the helpline knew about this and therefore it came back with a no not suitable. I can understand this but the chances of me passing this on is very small and I am health but I can understand.

Anyway the choice to go ahead is no longer mine, I am gutted to have the choice taken away from me but I do understand that as they know so little about my disorder that it is safer for them to say no.

Also as a point with all the threats in the paper work you canbe sued for this that and the other, doesnt make the donor feel to comfortable about the what if's. Rules need to be set, I.e sued by all means if someone has lied about medical or family history but not just because the new parents are un-happy about the colour of eyes etc? sounds silly but do you know there is nothing to stop someone sueing for any reason at the mo, these rules need to be put into place before more people will come forward.

To Evans I wish you the best of luck finding your angel, I however didnt even get my wings.

Am gutted I never got the choice.

Sorry

x

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/03/2007 11:39

Sorry it didn't work out for you, boys.

evansg01 · 10/03/2007 20:04

To Boysandtoria

I was surprised to read your post. I've never seen the test you mention for donors, it is usually done for women who have repeated miscarriages. The theory being the blood is too thick for the baby/placenta and women are given aspirin.

The blood disorder is quite common and not a major genetic issue, it is not quite in the same category of donors being screened for cystic fibrosis.

You are still an angel for seriously considering being a donor and going as far as you have.

3andnomore · 10/03/2007 20:07

IT is up to you, but, as far as I am awarte the hormonal treatment you have to undergo can implicate your own health, not one 100% sure, but I think I have read about it increasing the risk of ovarian cancer, etc..!
IT also is a painful experience....however, it is also a wonderful thing to do for someone else.

3andnomore · 10/03/2007 20:10

hadn't read the whole thread, sorry, to hear that the decision is out of your hands...I know I couldn't be a eggdonor, due to having a cleft lip and palate, so, doubt anyone would want to take the possible risks there...been very lucky that my own 3 Kids are not effected.

WeaselMum · 10/03/2007 20:15

Hi boysandtoria

not going to join in with the general discussion here (as effectively the decision has been made for you ) - but I just wanted to ask you about the comments you have made on the possibility of being sued? I have a ds conceived by donor insemination and no-one ever mentioned to me the possibility of suing the donor in future...and I can honestly say I have never thought of a situation where I would possibly think of trying to sue him! He has signed away all his parental rights and I would not be able to trace him. And surely if it turned out he had a medical condition that meant he should not have donated sperm then I would be looking to sue the clinic - not him.

Anyway this is the first I have heard of this happening so if you have any info about it I would be grateful if you could tell me more!

x

3andnomore · 10/03/2007 20:15

netdoctor on Factor V Leiden

evansg01 · 10/03/2007 20:23

To 3andnomore - thanks for the link. I got the information wrong in my post, I said aspirin instead of heparin.
Weaselmum - I'm considering having a donor egg treatment. I am happy with the screening tests done for donors in the UK. If there was a problem with a resulting child, I would not dream of suing the donor. If the clinic failed to do certain tests then that would be a different issue. No-one can be gauranteed a healthy child and it would be pointless to try and find someone to blame.

WeaselMum · 10/03/2007 20:34

I feel as you do evansg01. I feel incredibly grateful towards the donor for making me a mother. Before I went for the treatment I accepted that I would know very few things about the donor and it was my decision to go ahead with it and see what happened!

I very much hope that you can find an egg donor.

onlyjoking9329 · 10/03/2007 20:52

when i donated eggs i was told that i could be sued if i didn't declare some illness/disabilty but i could only be sued if i knew about it before hand and withheld the info, after i donated all three of my kids were DX with autism, i phoned the clinic up and they said it was ok as autism was not genetic

expatinscotland · 10/03/2007 21:52

Wow, onlyjoking! How can they make that assumption when no one even knows exactly what it is much less what causes it? .