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Original poster

Marriage before children?

78 replies

May90 · 18/11/2016 16:24

Hi I'm new here!

My OH and I have been together 4 and a half years and recently bought a house. Since buying the house and having an empty spare room it is like switch has been flipped and I am suddenly very broody. We have talked about it a lot the last few months and had decided to start trying next year - after the summer which gives us time to finish the house. When I told my mum she very seriously asked when the wedding would be as we 'cannot have children out of wedlock'. I did not expect this at all!

I explained that what with buying he house we cant really afford to get married right now. We made a decision a few years ago that it was one or the other and the house was the better option for us. We have both said we definitely want to get married but that having our own home felt more important right now.

What are peoples views on this? I know it is totally old fashioned to judge anyone either way and people should do whatever is right for them but has anyone else had this issue with family members?

OP posts:
BobbieDog · 18/11/2016 16:28

Its very old fashioned. Hardly anyone now has children in wedlock.

When you say you cant afford a wedding, you mean you cant afford the extras that are optional with a wedding?

A wedding cost £90 in a registry office then all you need is your rings.

Original poster
May90 · 18/11/2016 16:32

Well yes, we can't afford a wedding the way we would want it. If we are only going to do it once (which obviously you'd hope for!) then I would like a bit of fuss. In no way do we want to go totally over the top but I would rather get our house up together and have some money aside for when we do have children rather than spend even a couple of thousand on a wedding! I think it would be a nice thing to save for in the future rather than rush now!

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/11/2016 16:36

Are both your names on the deeds?

bonzo77 · 18/11/2016 16:37

Going to go against the grain. Get married. It's the cheapest, quickest way of getting a whole raft of legal protections for you and your child(ren). Over the house, your finances, your husband's estate if he goes first. If you can commit to a mortgage and a child, you can commit to marriage. So can he. If you want a "wedding" then it need not be that expensive.

Lumpylumperson · 18/11/2016 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonzo77 · 18/11/2016 16:39

Oh, and believe me,the house is never "done". And children are bottomless money pits. You'll never have as much expendable income as you do now (unless you have huge debts. Or a lottery win).

Lumpylumperson · 18/11/2016 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
May90 · 18/11/2016 16:42

ElspethFlashman - Yes both names on the deeds we own the house totally equally and have split every cost and bill equally so far- ( I personally felt buying the house was a bigger commitment than anything!)

OP posts:
annandale · 18/11/2016 16:42

I'm extremely pro-marriage myself, though obviously people have children without being married all the time. You are a bit legally exposed without it though so I'm like Elspeth, I would check out all the legal protections of marriage and recreate them, if you aren't up for it at the moment.

Original poster
May90 · 18/11/2016 16:46

Lumpy and bonzo - Well my line of thinking was its better to put that disposable income to good use by putting some aside for when the bottomless money pit baby dies arrive! I did suggest eloping and doing it totally low key but potential

MIL has made her views very clear - she is also totally pushing for a big wedding and keeps trying to guilt trip us saying they want to see their only son marry before they go!!!

OP posts:
bluelilies · 18/11/2016 16:47

Well if your DM is keen for you to marry, and traditional in her views on these things, shouldn't she be offering to pay for it? Wink

Seriously, she might well be up for contributing, as might your DP's family a bit maybe, so you could have a reasonable bash maybe in the spring either before or whilst ttc. Your finances are unlikely to improve once you have DC

Original poster
May90 · 18/11/2016 16:47

**does not dies ^ awful typo

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 18/11/2016 16:47

I'm very pro marriage if there are going to be children especially.
A client of mine has to move out of her house as her and her bf split up and she moved in with him. Never married, never got on mortgage or deeds although they had another child together. So now she's trying to get a mortgage at 45 with no equity etc. Crazy to make yourself so vulnerable really.

ElspethFlashman · 18/11/2016 16:48

Who is your DPs next of kin?

If he were to die, who would inherit his share of the property?

Wonderflonium · 18/11/2016 16:49

We're going to do a quick registry office dealie to get the legal situation in order and have the big party at some other point.

newbiz · 18/11/2016 16:50

It costs virtually nothing to get married and can cost a fortune if you split up or one of you dies. I'd do it purely for the legal protection. I don't know anyone who had kids before being married, genuinely so I don't think that hardly anyone gets married. If you don't get married get legal advice and protect yourself with a good will.

Original poster
May90 · 18/11/2016 16:51

bluelilies very good point. I suppose if they are so concerned about the order of events we could suggest they might want to contribute! But wouldn't want them to have to much decision power due to them being covering some of the costs! I can just imagine the arguments between potential MIL and DM over guest list, themes etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
May90 · 18/11/2016 16:53

ElspethFlashman Our wills are currently being drafted leaving all to one another, if we both die all split between my sisters kids until such a point we have our own then all would go to them if we both die.

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 18/11/2016 16:53

Check out the legal benefits you get from marriage them make up your mind. Theres no way i would have chosen to have children without marriage.

Original poster
May90 · 18/11/2016 16:54

Wonderflonium I do like that idea..... I would worry about the legal side of things and we have talked about ways to set this up although marriage would automatically put most in place!

OP posts:
annandale · 18/11/2016 16:55

Are your wills being written in contemplation of marriage? because otherwise as and when you do marry you will have to do them again?

GummyBunting · 18/11/2016 16:55

I am in a very similar position, bought our house a year ago. We are waiting until we get married next year to start trying for a baby. It's important to me, important that I'm not financially vulnerable, and we generally just want to.

If your mother in law brings it up again I'd say that if it's that big a deal to her, she can foot the bill.
We are paying for our own wedding, but any time anyone has said we should do something a certain way, I've asked them to contribute towards making it happen. They shut up quick.

Gini99 · 18/11/2016 16:56

Slightly over half of babies are born to married couples in the UK

I would do what Wonderflonium says. It's always difficult to predict how things will go once a baby arrives and lots of people end up giving up work/reducing hours even if they originally intended to both work full time. It's really not a good idea to make yourself financially dependent on another person without being married but lots of people seem to drift to that if they have the baby first.

Whathaveilost · 18/11/2016 16:59

As it happened I got married when our son was 3 months old.
If I was having my time again I would marry first but I had a minimum fuss wedding.

Your house will always need money spending on it, Kids need more and more things.
What is wrong with simple wedding and a modest party. All the trimmings wedding tend to be for other people's benefit when all that money could be spent on your home, kids, holidays, nest egg, what ever.

228agreenend · 18/11/2016 16:59

Remember there's no such thing as a common-in-law wife. You will not be legally protected.

However, having a child out of wedlock is so much more common than 25 years ago.