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Original poster

Marriage before children?

78 replies

May90 · 18/11/2016 16:24

Hi I'm new here!

My OH and I have been together 4 and a half years and recently bought a house. Since buying the house and having an empty spare room it is like switch has been flipped and I am suddenly very broody. We have talked about it a lot the last few months and had decided to start trying next year - after the summer which gives us time to finish the house. When I told my mum she very seriously asked when the wedding would be as we 'cannot have children out of wedlock'. I did not expect this at all!

I explained that what with buying he house we cant really afford to get married right now. We made a decision a few years ago that it was one or the other and the house was the better option for us. We have both said we definitely want to get married but that having our own home felt more important right now.

What are peoples views on this? I know it is totally old fashioned to judge anyone either way and people should do whatever is right for them but has anyone else had this issue with family members?

OP posts:
nennyrainbow · 18/11/2016 17:00

*Hardly anyone has children in wedlock these days
*
Well only about 50% of the people on here...

I agree that it is an old fashioned notion though. Do what you want. I wouldn't go down the route of letting her pay for the wedding in exchange for getting married sooner, as she'll think she has the right to control the whole thing. Have the wedding you want, when you want, however big or small. Not when she wants.

GummyBunting · 18/11/2016 17:04

Also I agree with a PP, you will have much less disposable money once you have children. There will always be a reason to put the wedding off for another year. If you choose to have a child first, you should also accept that you may never get the wedding you want.

annandale · 18/11/2016 17:06

The OP is talking about a modest wedding tbh, she talked about trying to keep £2000 from being spent.

OP, I think if you do want to get married, why not set a £200 budget (or whatever) and go for it - have the most fantastic wedding you can for that? There are so many wedding forums and good threads on here even, it really is possible to have something like a big wedding on very little.

Overrunwithlego · 18/11/2016 17:06

What would be your plans once you had a baby? Who would take the maternity / paternity leave? Would one of you go part time? It is most likely (although not certain) that one of you will take a hit in your career, current and future earning potential, pension contributions etc if you have a child. If that is most likely to be you, then get married beforehand. It's not the most romantic reason but I wouldn't have kids out of wedlock because of these factors.

Shortfatandangry · 18/11/2016 17:07

I think you have already prioritised, and children come first for you. It's a very personal decision to make, and you should tell your mil this. Just be aware, if you have children first that there is a very good chance that a wedding will not follow for years. But if it's not an issue to wait, then wait. The biological urge to have babies will just get stronger and stronger, and it -might- take a while to get pregnant. Btw, I was married before having my kids as that was what we wanted. The choice to get married and/or have children is yours and dp alone.

mouldycheesefan · 18/11/2016 17:07

Marriage gives you legal protection that you wouldn't otherwise have. If your dp walks out in you when your ababy is a month old and you are in maternity leave, what would you do for income?
If he died tomorrow it would be his mother deciding how he was buried. If he was on a life support machine it would be his parents deciding whether to switch it off, even if you had kids together. See a lawyer, find out all the prot cations you will need to put in place if you don't get married.

pestov · 18/11/2016 17:13

Please, please consider making a legal commitment to each other before children, for all the reasons posted above. It does not have to be marriage (though it sounds like your DM wants a wedding rather than marriage) by all means do a civil partnership and convert to marriage later with all the trimmings. Women in particular are so financially vulnerable once they have children. You will never get back the value of delaying your career progression if you split or he dies. It's rubbish to think worst case, but please be adult about this.

NataliaOsipova · 18/11/2016 17:15

228agreenend has it spot on. Socially? Marriage is irrelevant - it's your relationship that matters. Legally? Whole different ball game. I'd want to (and did) marry first.

OohhThatsMe · 18/11/2016 17:15

I lived with my ex husband for 12 years, but wouldn't have had children before marrying him, though that was a lot to do with my mum and dad.

Since then, being on MN has taught me so much about how hard and unfair it is if you have children out of marriage and it all goes wrong.

Picture this - you reduce your hours at work, or stop work completely. It can take years and years to make that back up, both in terms of pension, status and earnings. If you're not married, then you take a massive gamble - you could stop work for years and then your partner leaves - where does that leave you? It leaves him in a very strong position, but you'd be completely stuck.

There's no need for a huge wedding. Have a tiny one (easier than one that's just small) and ask your parents and a couple of close friends to be there and to go for a meal afterwards. Have a housewarming party in your new house, then. People pay ridiculous amounts of money for weddings and it's not something you should be doing if you want a family soon.

raisedbyguineapigs · 18/11/2016 17:15

I got married before kids. Even though we lived together, it was nice to be a married couple for a while before the kids came, and we didn't have to worry about holidays/ honeymoons with kids. But then it was 10 years ago and we didn't have to choose between house or weddi g. Our wedding was small and lovely. My thinking was a child is a commitment to the child- you can go parent without living together or even liking each other- a house is a commitment to paying a mortgage, but marriage was a commitment we made to each other.

PitilessYank · 18/11/2016 17:18

I am a big fan of marriage before children, unless a couple has clearly decided that they do not want to be married for whatever reason.

DiegeticMuch · 18/11/2016 17:21

It may not be very right-on, but marriage is important legally. As each other's "partner" you have no status. Your MiL's use of the phrase "out of wedlock" is old-fashioned and I would be pretty irritated by it - but the law is clear.

Gini99 · 18/11/2016 17:26

Pestov - civil partnership is only for same sex couples and I think the OP is in an opposite sex relationship. In any case, civil partnerships have (pretty much) just the same rights, obligations and rules as marriage anyway so even if they were same sex it would be just as much of a commitment as marriage.

MaybeDoctor · 18/11/2016 17:38

Being 'partners' has no legal status at all. You can be in the most committed partnership but legally you are still single in all respects. Your DP (or you) could marry someone else next week with no impediment in law whatsoever.

Aftershock15 · 18/11/2016 17:39

Get married before the baby. As pp have pointed out once you have children you will have far less disposable income, so the large expensive wedding will just move into the future. The marriage gives you security in an easy and straightforward way. A simple civil or church wedding and then a gathering at home or church hall or pub really won't cost much.

Although it maybe seen as modern to not bother about getting married in my experience it seems that the unmarried parents I know were either an unplanned pregnancy (who may or may not go on to marry) or actually one of them (usually the man) doesn't want the commitment of marriage and the other one tells themselves that it's just a bit of paper and it doesn't really matter to them.

Very few of them seem to have planned everything out in advance to provide the necessary security should something go wrong. You do seem to be doing this but I wonder if actually the cost of a low key wedding would be the same as sorting out all the legal stuff to give you that protection. You can always have the big party (with vows renewal if you fancied ) at the unspecified time in the future.

Ginslinger · 18/11/2016 17:40

if you are going to have children then get married - there are no rights outside of marriage. Rightly or wrongly

pestov · 18/11/2016 17:54

Gini you're right. I remembered reading the following article, but forgot the key detail! www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/oct/14/heterosexual-couple-are-first-in-britain-to-become-civil-partners

sk1pper · 18/11/2016 18:08

OP my story is very similar to yours. I've been with OH nearly 9 years, we got engaged after 3 but never tied the knot for a sequence of money restraining issues. I never really bother to explain it fully to people but all you need to know is that for a long time we were desperately poor. Then when we finally got stable, decent jobs we wanted to buy a house (fed up of putting up with mediocre to terrible rented accommodation!) which meant what money we had saved got put down on the deposit.

One year after buying our house we decided that we wanted to start trying, and again the wedding got pushed to one side because we figured we'd need the money to buy all the bits for our child. I was predominantly worried about our ages and fertility so this took priority. As it turns out, weve been trying for nearly 2 years now and in that time we've saved up again. Now the wedding date is set for next year and I couldn't give a rats arse If im heavily pregnant for the event.

LaPharisienne · 18/11/2016 18:29

No one on here knows your situation or whether your DP is trustworthy or in fact who getting married will protect - sure, it'll be the less well off party but that won't necessarily be you!

Do what you want. We didn't get married and are very happy. Legal issues are a terrible reason to get married, tho sadly still worth bearing them in mind. Hopefully at some point the law will catch up with reality.

TheNaze73 · 18/11/2016 19:14

Hardly anyone now has children in wedlock

This really isn't the case I don't think. And more fool the people who do it, without the legal protection that marriage gives

Thatwaslulu · 18/11/2016 19:19

I was unmarried when my DS was born. I got pregnant unexpectedly on the pill and we got engaged but didn't marry until he was over a year old. We didn't get married for legal protection but because we love each other. It seems so transactional to think of it in that way somehow.

1Potato2 · 18/11/2016 19:57

I second the get married now opinion. Kids are very expensive. Maybe not babies, but either in loss of earnings or childcare, it is a real killer. You will never have as much much money as you do now.

SpidersFromMars · 18/11/2016 20:02

Get married now - get the legal protection through a registry office marriage ceremony. Before a baby.

Renew your vows and have a wedding when you want to and can afford to.

Awkward77 · 18/11/2016 20:10

I remember phoning my mum to tell her the "happy news" that I was pregnant. She was clearly not enthused and rang me back an hour later to "say her piece" about "children born out if wedlock". She was horrified even when I told her how trendy it was nowadays to have an unmarried pregnant daughter. Predictably, she got over it 5 seconds after laying her eyes on her first grandchild. I suspect very strongly that your mother will be the same. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Oly5 · 18/11/2016 20:24

We're not married and hAve kids but have all the legal protections in place (wills etc/house in both names etc).
I think he idea you can't hAve kids outside marriage is v old fashioned