Chemical pregnancy number 3

[AmandaJL41]

Hello all.

I'm new to Mumsnet, so I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place.

A little back-story. At 39 I had an ectopic & lost a tube. Very next month, pregnant with my son (only child for me & DH). Had 13 wonderful months, didn't plan any more kids. He died in November very suddenly of septicaemia. Since then, as well as grieving, we've tried to conceive again. In 5 cycles of trying, we've caught 3 times, but each time it's the same. BFPs for a week or so that don't progress, eventually a BFN & then bleeding starts a few days later. I've tried to attach a pic of what's happening now. The top line was 11 dpo, the bottom one today at 15 dpo. I had a much fainter one at 13 dpo. Just waiting it out again.

The GP ran blood tests for pre & post-ov hormones, thyroid, diabetes etc. All normal. Post-ov progesterone level of 31 (UK). I'm 41, so I accept that age will be playing a part.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I can find a lot online about 1 or 2 CPs but not 3. Does anyone have any advice? My GP has agreed a second progesterone test & also to test for sticky blood. Since losing my boy, the chance to be a mum again is the only thing keeping me going. These repeated blows seem so cruel

Thanks for reading xxx

Thank you all so much for your support

Frantastic I agree. I feel really uncomfortable but it's so welcome! I did get some mild nausea & food aversions with the ectopic, but it suddenly dropped off, and that was my first clue that something was wrong. I feel thoroughly awful at the moment - long may it continue! You must be very sensitive to get MS with the low levels you had in your CP

LuckyinOctober, thank you for the positive vibes I wish you all the very best. It's amazing how strong you can be when you have to. Hope has kept me going for the last 6 months.

Fridgedooropen, thank you for the info. As you say, fingers crossed that we won't need it, but I'll keep you updated and maybe pick your brains if things go south again. I wish you all the very best

It always starts early with me...at about two weeks. With the first MC it was the same as your ecptopic. It just vanished the evening before it all happened. I remember being relieved because I had several broken ribs and puking was so painful... It didn't occur to me that I was MCing. I felt so guilty when I realised the reason.

Somehow morning sickness, and even hyperemesis, is easy to deal with when you know it's for a good cause. With my DS and DD I was in and out of hospital with it all through the pregnancies but even though I felt like I was going to die I wouldn't have changed it.

amanda I've glad you've got symptoms. Really hope this goes smoothly for you.

Good luck fridge

Frantastic don't feel guilty. I saw my midwife the morning after my nausea disappeared, and also mentioned a sharp pain in my pelvis. She gave me a really patronising 'if I had a penny' speech about anxious first time mothers. She told me how normal it is for symptoms to come & go, and you don't have to feel ill all the time for it to be a healthy pregnancy. I was in hospital the very next day. If a midwife can totally miss the significance of it, how are we to know?

Yes, I'll go through anything for the chance to parent again. With my son, I had MS until 22 weeks, felt great for 2 weeks, and then started with SPD. I was on crutches & in agony by the time I had him. And here I am, desperate to sign up for it all again. I just don't care. Bring it on.

You are pretty incredible, Amanda. I thought I'd had I shit time until I started reading your posts. You've put a few things into perspective for me. I know people don't get a choice about the bad things that happen to them but you deserves so much happiness and joy after all that's happened. I can understand why you though this little bean might have been going in the same direction as your others but I hope this is a turning point. I can't imagine challenging Negative automatic thoughts is going to work given what's happened. But try and remember that every day will be one step closer to a happy healthy little one, so tick each one off with a smile.

Btw... I used to work with people with affective disorders. We predominantly used CBT so besides my little stint having it myself, I have a basic understanding of it in a professional capacity too. Something we have in common.

Aw, thank you Frantastic for your kind words. Don't know if you've come across this: We use a technique in CBT called Cognitive Restructuring to challenge negative thoughts, which tries to turn the focus away from what you feel to focus on the facts. You've helped me to do that today - you're right - every day that goes by is a day closer to this little bub being stronger & out of danger. I'm already a lot farther along than either of my chemicals, and the tests are measuring on track now. I still wonder what the 5 days of inconsistency was at the very beginning, but hopefully it doesn't mean anything. It's good to have you CBTing me! I'm rubbish at doing it on myself! We've got our little boy's inquest next Thursday, which is going to be a very tough day, so I'm trying to have lots of PMA to keep my stress levels to a minimum xx

Aww, I'm glad that I've helped. I did that job when CBT was a relatively new thing so although the idea of diversion was there I don't think it was referred to as cognitive reconstruction. After that particular job I always wanted to train as a CBT therapist but life got in the way.

I don't even know what to say about your son's inquest. once it's over I'm guessing that's the last official event relating to losing him? I hope it gives you answers. But yeah, there's no way of avoiding that distress. I hope it uncomplicated and over quickly. Have they given it a whole day for the hearing?

Is it possible you were testing a little early.. If you wee was diluted even a little it can or your not testing with FMU it affects what the tests picks up.

Yes, it could be that I tested very early. I thought I was 11 dpo (going by my OPKs) but maybe I was only 10 or 9. I'm still nervous. TMI alert - I've had the runs this morning, which I know I had with my son, but it was also a sign with my 2 CPs. Trying to focus on the positives - still feeling hot & queasy, so hoping it's just the hormones playing havoc.

We're not expecting any nasty surprises at the inquest. We know the pathology report was complicated, because although he had typical signs of sepsis, they couldn't culture any pathogens. They now think it's because the paramedic gave him a massive dose of penicillin when he started to show signs of sepsis. It can clear the body of pathogens very quickly, but unfortunately it can't stop the internal bleeding & organ failure. They know he had strep A because he swabbed positive for it in his nose & throat at the hospital (after his death). They've put 2 + 2 together and concluded strep A septicaemia. We've been through all the details of the pathology report with the consultant, so I'm hoping we won't hear any horrible details we haven't already had. It's not going to be easy though. One of those 'what the hell am I doing here? Why aren't I at home playing with my son' moments. Yes, apart from having his gravestone installed, it's the last big thing to go through. We'll be able to register his death once we've got his death certificate, and that's it. Part of me is struggling with that. At least while I still have 'jobs' to do for him, I feel like I'm still parenting him. I don't know how long the inquest will be. A couple of hours probably. I've been called as a witness.

I've attached a picture of the boy who stole my heart, so you can see what I'm missing

Amanda - So sorry for your sad loss of your beautiful little boy, he looks like he was a really happy and wonderful character. I hope that the inquest goes ok for you, and that you can grieve for your son as you need.

Regarding your current pregnancy, it is a wonderful thing, and I hope that it continues with no further drama.

I have had recurrent miscarriages (12) and counselling really helped me. Please don't underestimate the added grief of miscarriages on top of your already huge grief of your son.

I really hope that you get your much longed for new baby in a few short months time, and this will help heal some of the feelings of loss.

He is so beautiful... Look at his little face. ❤️

It's kind of good that there'll be no details that are not known to you. I totally get the 'what am I doing here' feeling.... It is the most unnatural place for a mother to be. Although, Talking about your child in such a clinical way when you know as that gorgeous little boy in that pic, His personality and all that made him him was must get lost in all the formalities. Do you take his picture with you to these things? You could look at him and take yourself out of it a bit when it's getting too much... It might not work for you, but I thought I'd suggest it. Being a witness? Wow! I hope that doesn't take too long and they help you through it. Hugs for that. I'll be thinking out you on Thursday.

After all of this is over the parenting won't stop. You can go and visit him... mark special days relevant to him and keep his memory alive by making sure little been knows all about his/her big brother. Show them all the things that he enjoyed. I know it's not parenting in the traditional sense, but the love you feel for him won't change because his no longer there with you. At the end of the day the biggest role we play as mothers is to show love to our children. That's definitely something that doesn't stop when the formalities and to official stuff ends. God, I have no idea how this feels for you. It's everyone's worst nightmare. If I'm talking shit don't humour me just tell me to shut up. X

Aww what a gorgeous happy wee boy. So sorry for your loss and hope everything keeps going well with this pregnancy.

He looks beautiful and so happy.

Amanda he looks utterly gorgeous and so happy. He will have known how much he was loved every day of his life.

Thank you all for your lovely comments. He certainly was a happy little man, always giggling & making us laugh! He really was my whole world.

Frantastic I appreciate your words. I know I'll always be his mummy and he'll always be my boy. I won't take his picture to the inquest, just because I don't need to! His beautiful little face is never out of my mind. If this little bean sticks, they will grow up to know all about their extraordinary brother ❤️

So far everything is still ok. The nausea has been a bit easier today, which I don't like - I'd rather have my head down the loo and know that all is well! But the lines are still getting darker (yay!) and I still feel like I'm living in the tropics!

How's it going??

Hi Sapph1r3, thank you for asking. It's been a tough week. We had our boy's inquest on Thursday, which was harrowing, and when it was over I went to the loo & noticed some spotting It stopped pretty quickly but sent me into a panic. I had spotting with my son, so I know it can be fine, but it's also how the ectopic first showed itself, and both of the miscarriages. I was already worried after getting 2-3 weeks on a clear blue digi when I was 5+3, so well into the '3+' timeframe. I've read lots online since about the misery of digi's, and the madness they can cause. Wish I'd never bothered! Anyway, I got 3+ this morning. When I started spotting I called the doc and she's referred me for an early scan, but our EPU won't do it until next Friday, despite my risk of ectopic. They also won't do 48 hour bloods unless I become more symptomatic, which I found really odd because by the the time I was symptomatic last time, the tube was already split. I thought they'd be more vigilant this time, but no! We can't self-refer to our EPU, so there's no point in me trying to call them directly. Hey ho. Just got the play the awful waiting game. Anyway, that's all my crap. Hope all is well with everyone else....? X

Thanks for the update.

The inquest & spotting sounds horrific. I'm so sorry it happened.

I've got my fingers crossed for your scan, it's all sounding good. I spotted with both of my kids.

Hello AmandaJL41, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been thinking about all you have been through, and hoping you have had good news today X

Hope you are ok op

Thanks for the messages. Unfortunately today was bad news. My hCG levels are around 9,000 but there was no sign of a baby. Just an empty gestational sac. Not even a yolk sac. I'm 6 weeks 5 days, with no doubt as to my exact ovulation day as I was using OPKs. The EPU midwife said that it's possible to fail to see a fetal pole or yolk sac at that stage when cycles are irregular, but I'm like clockwork. The sac measured about a week behind, so she again said maybe I just conceived a week later than I thought, but that would mean I got a BFP at 2-4 dpo. Er, I don't think so. I've now got to go back for more bloods on Sunday morning. It's either a blighted ovum or another ectopic. Apparently it's possible to have a pseudo-sac in the uterus but the baby be elsewhere. Feeling like the worlds biggest failure. I couldn't keep my little boy alive, and I can't conceive another healthy baby. I don't even have a job to concentrate on, because I quit to raise my little boy. Feeling very overwhelmed with grief right now Sorry to be such a downer. Xx

So sorry you're going through this.

I've just come across this and I'm so sad to hear about your little boy and now the losses.
Be kind to yourself, life can be very cruel xx

Amanda I'm really sorry you didn't have better news today.

Do not apologise for 'being a downer'! You are absolutely allowed to be wallowing in grief at the moment.

We're unshockable - you can use this as a space to say whatever you need to, but we might disagree with you on some things. For example, you are absolutely not a failure. It wasn't you that couldn't keep your little boy alive. It was a set of circumstances that led to a tragic conclusion.

Do whatever you can do to look after yourself. Take each day as it comes and let others support you

Don't give up hope on having another baby. Give yourself some time to grieve and then seek a referral to the recurrent miscarriage clinic.

Take care x

amanda I'm so sorry it's bad news.

Don't apologise for being a downer. You are rightly grief stricken right now. I agree with ineednew - give yourself time then ask to be referred for repeated miscarriage.
Wishing you all the very best for the future.