You are not a robot and the ovary whisperer's chanting for you in the viroid commune with our carved cock relics- don't panic about the acid foof! It's JS 58!!!

[Ain626]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>Kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>'something'</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 57 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2542249-Theres-Chickens-up-Trees-and-BOGOF-Deals-from-the-Stork-Were-Seeking-out-the-Magic-Potion-whilst-avoiding-the-Rogue-Penis-Dont-Flash-your-Cat-its-JS-57?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2550495-Its-the-calm-before-the-storm-sort-of-that-is-Fantastic-February-and-the-March-Madness-we-did-a-lot-of-shagging-last-summer-We-need-more-JSers-on-this-our-44th-thread" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

So sorry Ain - big hugs pet

Big hugs Ain and sorry to bear about your dad Just, I hope you both get good news.

Very envious of all the holiday and bath talk!

Shameless medic question here - would you do anything for a 9 mth old who has conjunctivitis or is it just a case of cleaning with cotton wool and sterile water. I don't want to waste a doctor's time but I also don't want to leave my DC in discomfort if drops or something would be prescribed.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. And hugs just I actually don't care if hugs are unmumsnetty. Sometimes hugs are just needed

I'm really worried as he isn't well. He is also never going to get better. He was stable for ages, but the past couple months have been really tough for him.

I'm enjoying holiday chat. I booked my holiday last week for august (did I post about this already?) but only to ireland for this summer.. so not anywhere too luxurious. Looking forward to it all the same as used to go a lot when I was a kid and DH has never been. We've actually rented a cottage in the town I used to stay in years ago.

stumbly good on you for making it to sw. Don't worry about your weight being more than you thought. As you said, all that matters is the change on the scales each week. I went down 2lbs this week despite thinking I was going to stay the same at best.. only half a pound to go til I get my stone sticker (from when I joined sw, not my highest weight) so hoping to get it next week.

just that picture pretty much summed up my morning this morning if you change that creature for a Jack Russell. Though I went into school yesterday and did some school stuff today at home, and still have tonnes to do to even vaguely catch up with everything I'm supposed to have done..! hope you're enjoying your half term! I'm going to visit a friend on Thursday/Friday and am actually partially resenting the fact that I have to give up two days of my half term to go visit her. How messed up is that! 5 days is not enough. I realise that must sound awful to most of you...

Ain and Just sorry to hear, everyone I know seems to be being rushed into hospital lately. Dcousin was in for bronchitis that put all but half of one lung out of action. Then Dfriend's pancreas has 3/4 died and he is in intensive care, DH is there playing board games with him while his wife takes a break.

Kwick sorry af is being a bitch and hiding when you want her to keep to schedule.

All these holidays sound lovely, I'm hoping to make it back to the uk for a bit this summer. DH keeps trying to turn it into a visit to see his half brother though.

ain and just mahoosive hugs

I actually read somewhere that a real hug sets off some endorphines... I spent a lot of time hugging my mummy at the weekend... She is very stressed at the mo.

No sign of af... Sheets will be changed tomorrow - hopefully that will put things right if she has not made an appearance

Sorry to hear the news about your grandad and dad ain and just.Hope AF arrives soon kwick.
Am due AF to arrive on Sun - don't think I am upduffed this month, although we have dtd lots. Think I am just a bit down in the dumps with TTC in general.
fuzzy I would just bathe the eyes with boiled & cooled water and a cotton wool pad, unless it looks like a bad case. Our dd has a tendency to gunky eyes (think she rubs sand, mud, playdoh in them) - our experience is that it clears up in a couple of days. and it's a nightmare trying to get drops in

Ain and just and hugs to you both.

So I POAF (F = frer/fiver!) this morning and got a BFN AF is due in 2 days so the test is supposed to be 96% accurate. Didn't feel pregnant so not surprised but still a bit disappointed. Hope AF turns up on time so I can be sure of my cycle at least.

Sorry for the BFN Name.

Ain, just and everyone else with poorly family members

Thanks Ditsy. I know exactly how you feel about down in the dumps with ttc in general. Gx for us.

Sorry Name. Hopefully it is just a false negative.

Do you not get on with DH's half brother Ill or would you rather just have a holiday that doesn't involve family?

Going out without a tampon always seems to set AF off for me Kwick, just in case the bed sheets/nice underwear doesn't work.

I'm here Just and I'm okay. On a week of night shifts - not so pleasant as Canters', though. On NICU, no time for MNing Also poorly timed for cape-donning, as DH and I will barely see one another this month!

Fuzzy In the presence of a non-swollen eye with white sclera, I use the rule of thumb that if I'm cleaning the eye more than the bum, it needs drops

Holidays! Love them. All of them. Bucket list is Chile, Peru, Galapagos, Iguazu falls, Canada, Madagascar, Aus/NZ/S Pacific islands. Also loving Stumbly's Finnish hotel :) Tuscany is beautiful - try and catch Perugia Jazz festival (usually June). Croatia, lovely place, Bruges is v good but Ghent is prettier (and less touristy).

for the sick relatives, I hope they are getting good care.

Hi, Ill, nice to see your name again. Bedtime for me - my eyes are hurting.

Thanks Chat. Enjoy your sleep!

Hi Chat, hope the newbies are starting to become less terrified of the little people and beginning to be more helpful!!

I don't know if I'm allowed to ask this here as it might be classed as contraband, but what do people think about pre-seed?

Chat I went to Iguazu last year as part of my trip to Brazil. It was spectacular, and the steak and wine on the Argentinian side was awesome (and super cheap if you got your pesos at the "blue market" rate ). If you go to Brazil, try to go to Ilha Grande - totally beautiful. The Zika thing is scary though - despite my disappointment at the time I'm now very glad I didn't conceive while out there.

London I got engaged in San Sebastian. Gorgeous city with amazing food, from the pintxos bars for a few euros each to the Michelin-starred places which can break the bank quite easily!

DH has given me the lurgy. Spending my day off in my PJs coughing and feeling sorry for myself.

name tut tut/hooyah for POAS before AF is late!!! Hopefully AF doesn't show up and you are upduffed

Sending get well soon thoughts to those with poorly family members friends, & to Sock

Scottish tut tut talking about contraband although I'm also interested to know about this

Productive day so far, had a laser removal session on an old tattoo I have, & rang GP surgery to check on my last TFT done in Dec. T4 was 14 & TSH was 1.99, I think those levels are all OK, so bit of a weight off my mind. Just having a spot of lunch in town & then I'm going to have a look around the shops

Don't know if anyone caught the documentaries on BBC this week about bipolar....I'm just watching the one from last night 'My baby, psychosis and me' about postpartum psychosis.

Troubling viewing for me tbh

Does a history of depression increase a mums odds of developing postpartum psychosis? It's definitely a scary thought but its great there is much more awareness these days so people can be more understanding and supportive.

Good morning all! AF gushed into action mid night shift as predicted so def onto the next cycle. Feel OK about it actually, glad I know where I stand now.

Ain, really sorry about your grandfather.

Fuzzy, what chat said- most conjunctivitis is viral so should improve on its own but if it's really gunky or no better in a few days I'd hit that bad boy with some drops.

Sorry your nights are crazy busy chat. Last night was busier for me, got to sleep at 3am then rudely awoken at 7 to see a new admission. I find as long as I get a bit of sleep I can manage, a&e nights almost finished me off because they were so busy all night long....

Scottish I used pre seed last month. It obviously didn't make me pregnant but I will probably continue to use it as need all the help I can get to maximise dhs egg fertilising capability in his absence. I found it very squelchy.

Stumbly, is that because you're worrying about your risk with having bipolar? It's incredibly rare, best thing is to make sure the midwives know about the bipolar so you're supported after birth and everyone is aware of your particular early warning signs of relapse. Going to watch the bipolar one on catch up this afternoon...

London...I don't think depression increases chances of PP psychosis a great deal. A 'normal' mother has about 1 in 1,000 chance of having it. A mother with Bipolar 2 has a 1 in 100 chance and with Bipolar 1 a 1 in 2 chance...

Do you have bipolar stumbly? If so is it 1 or 2?

I don't have bipolar but I have had depression a few times and am worried about pre/post natal depression. My doctor was reassuring and said if I do get it there is plenty they can do to help. I suppose the advantage of having had depression before is that I know the signs and the importance of asking for professional help.

Sorry for my ignorance but what is the difference between bipolar 1 and 2?

Yes...I have Bipolar 2.

The difference is really around the 'highs'. People with Bipolar 1 become fully manic when their mood is high which means they lose touch with reality...they might go into psychosis and believe they are someone they're not, become paranoid, etc. People with BP1 tend to have more highs than depressions.

People with BP2 when high only become 'hypomanic' (means 'little mania'). You are fully in touch with reality still but lose your inhibitions, can't think about consequences and take risks you wouldn't normally, may spend £1,000's or make snap decisions to start businesses or similar.

Sorry I missed off with BP2 you tend to have more frequent and more severe depressions and less high periods.

I wanted to watch those documentaries, but haven't. Might try and find them on catch up. Sometimes I worry I have a mild form of bipolar 2... I don't think I do. But I definitely suffer with bouts of depression from time to time... I used to be a lot worse than I am now though so I'm taking that as a positive...

Name giving you a hooyah for poas early, but hoping it's a false positive and turns out to be a bfp!

Going to have to get my cape on tonight I think.. no signs of icing yet, but trying to go for every 3 days or so. Fingers crossed that I do actually ice.. though also need to get DH and his sperm sample sorted out. He finally found out what he needs to do with his sample. Annoyingly though he doesn't drive so I will need to take it in, and it has to be a weekday. He couldn't of figured this out earlier in the week could he? Silly man. I'm away for a couple of days from tomorrow morning.. unless we don't dtd tonight and we do his sample first thing in the morning, but will make him late for work

Feeling a bit disgruntled about getting hooyas for POAS early when a certain PP recently POAS way earlier than me and didn't get any! Or is it a different rule for ICs v FRERs?!

Anyway you're right, I should probably be more patient next time. But tbh would rather know either way so I can put it out of my mind!