You are not a robot and the ovary whisperer's chanting for you in the viroid commune with our carved cock relics- don't panic about the acid foof! It's JS 58!!!

[Ain626]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>Kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>'something'</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 57 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2542249-Theres-Chickens-up-Trees-and-BOGOF-Deals-from-the-Stork-Were-Seeking-out-the-Magic-Potion-whilst-avoiding-the-Rogue-Penis-Dont-Flash-your-Cat-its-JS-57?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2550495-Its-the-calm-before-the-storm-sort-of-that-is-Fantastic-February-and-the-March-Madness-we-did-a-lot-of-shagging-last-summer-We-need-more-JSers-on-this-our-44th-thread" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Thanks viroids, you are a lovely and understanding bunch!

Wow, loads to catch up on. Quick really stupid question, 1st opk today (cd7) got extremely faint line - this is the lead up to ice right? And the line will get darker the closer I get to icing?

Going back to read through & catch up now

We actually had a really nice lunch out. I had a dessert too, oops! I am now feeling a bit better and less claustraphobic as I have left the house.

Black that's crazy! I wish I could run. I'm just really not good at it! Swimming on the other hand... I'm definitely better in the pool. I should start swimming again.

I'm confused, rule #2 says no OPKs, is this a serious TTC thread in disguise?!

I went for an hours walk!...that counts as exercise right? I've got blister's now though, shows how often I walk.

DH has just informed me that "at some point today I will inseminate you"..... Lovely, how romantic DH

Name none of us really use OPKs or at least we try not to admit to it as they are banned

It depends angela as some women get faint lines that gradually get darker whereas others don't. I can get a faint line, medium line, no line, medium line, faint line, positive line.

Alice a lot of romance has certainly gone here now we are ttc.

ain yay for dessert! I have just remembered that I helped you in your scrabble game, pleased to be of service! (Sorry for only replying to that 12 pages in!)
name no we neeeever use contraband. I didn't then I cracked and bought some 2 weeks ago

I survived and it ended up as 12 miles, now collapsed on sofa with my furbaby for company, think I'll have an early night

ain everyone can run - just go at your own pace with mixture of walking and running, you'll be amazed how quickly you can improve - go for it

Welcome to the fred name & trying

Black I wish I had half your energy & motivation I'm in the "need to lose some weight" camp, been putting in a bit more of an effort since the new year & lost about half a stone My bmi is about 27, so still more to lose, but I guess it'a a good start.

Like pissing on a £5 note must remember this next time I feel like poas

I've never told hubby before when I'm fertile, but I initiate sex way more than normal, so it's pretty obvious to him. So far no performance anxiety, his problem is more being able to last more than a few minutes. Although, he managed a lot longer last night, & ghost jizz was received

So I'll see how it goes with opks. I bought loads ic, so I'll use them this cycle & maybe next, & then see what I think after that. Tbh, my cycles are quite regular now, I just want to check that I am icing when I think I do.

Hubby's cooking roast beef dinner & the smell is wafting all over the house, it's making me feel soooo hungry

Yum Angel I had roast beef for dinner too - at a pub/restaurant though. Not home cooked. It was nice, but home cooked roast is always better! Enjoy!

Black I can walk for miles. But the second I try to up it a gear to a slow jog I want to collapse! It's easier on a treadmill than roads though right? Maybe I should start using the gym again. If for no other reason I'm paying my membership and haven't been in ages!

I was going to have a nice healthy walk today but my ds was poorly. Then when we were snuggled at home he said out of nowhere 'I really want a little brother mummy' no pressure or anything.

Can't wait for af to finish feels like I'm not doing anything proactive in the ttc!

We went out for a pub lunch and avoided the hail and rain. Horrible forecast for tomorrow as well, so staying in the warm and dry.

Well done BlackCat and you definitely deserve an early night now.

Hope you enjoyed your pub lunch fuzzy the weather here is awful too but I get to stay home tomorrow until work at night so the weather can do what it likes

My mum cooked a delicious steak and kidney pie with suet pastry... It was so yummy!

Random point: after IUIs I get advised not to have baths or swim for the 2WW in order to avoid risk of infection.

Stumbly do not poacbd before af is due. They are not sensitive enough so you really will be poa£10note! I never poafrer or a cbd until after I had a faint bfp on an ic. I saved a lot of money with that process!

corgi SMEP suggests starting at CD10 so that’s what I always did. I used the cheap opks that cost pence though. I did use the CBFM for a bit but didn’t find it told me any more than the cheapies did and it got confused by my long cycles.

angel if the line is anything other than as strong as control line on an opk its negative. You always have lh in your system at any time of cycle so faint line can be a fluctuation. It’s the sudden surge you are looking for so don’t get disheartened if it doesn’t get progressively stronger. Also opks can’t confirm ovulation, only the lh surge that is required to trigger it.

ain I’m hoping to start swimming again soon too! I had to stop when I did the IVF due to risk of infection but was allowed to start after 12 week scan. Of course that was too close to Christmas and my January mad month of work! Now I’m out of excuses!

name --if you talk about contraband in strikethrough it doesn’t count!—we definitely don’t advocate any contraband – I think the difference is even if there are those who want to do it, we stop each other obsessing about it like on some other threads. I think when there are a few ppl who’ve been trying for a while its inevitable they will want to up their game. It helped me feel more in control and meant we could give the shagging a rest after icing as my dh has a basically non-existent sex drive.

Very romantic alice, I thought my dh was bad!

black all your running talk has exhausted me!

black - RESPEK!!!

name personally I think poas before af is late is worse rule breaking than opks! i assume the 96% accuracy is for positives not negatives, so u might as well wait a few more days

Yeah I wouldn't know anything about using opks

I'm only 5dpo, so too early to symptom spot, but I have never had fewer pmt/preg symptoms in my life! Having a beer to console myself.

On the plus side, DH has suddenly expressed interest in buying a house asap and we had a lovely afternoon browsing right move and driving around to places! Is he nesting?

The not d pony has bucked the child off again in the school. (Little girl is OK) I am on the verge of tears I am so angry with the pony. I have said to the Mum I don't think they are the right match but the Mum doesnt want to just give up. I'm not happy with the situation at all.

I'm having trouble mustering the energy or enthusiasm for DTD this month too. I think I'm a bit low. I will attempt to keep donning the cape every 2&3 days though, but from experience, it just doesn't happen in my wtf cycle.

On the upside I have had an amazing weekend of eating all the amazing food. dpony won't be able to buck me off

Symptom spotting is pointless. I had more symptoms in 3 yrs TTC than in the 23 weeks ive spent in my life being pg

I agree about symptom spotting, I frequently have every symptom going in my 2ww and they instantly disappear the second AF arrives. Whereas whenever I have been pregnant, I haven't had anything - which has now almost become a symptom in itself!

Could the nsdpony sense that the girl is less experienced, lighter (if she is) or just lacking in confidence on her? I once had a bad fall from a friend's horse (who I had previously ridden numerous times before) and was always slightly apprehensive of him afterwards (he was a 17hh eventer though and I was 7 stone and timid!) and he knew it and would often do a little gleeful dance as if to say 'if I want to, I can get you off again!'

Honestly, how do people get pregnant by accident or after just one unprotected shag? obviously I know it only takes once and have managed to get pregnant after DTD just once in a month before, but all the same

Yes, symptom spotting is a minefield! I can't even remember what I did have when I was actually properly pregnant and totally had no inkling before poas. I know far too much now so I can't help myself.

Yes fuzzy I think its a combo of her being a lot smaller than pony's other riders and pony now taking the piss as she knows she can get away with it. I had a similar experience trying to school my aunt's show cob, he's used to people nearly twice my weight (at the time) so just wall of deathed me round the field! I think dpony is doing the same, I'm going to tell the Mum I don't think they should carry on. I can't cope with the stress. Stupid fucking pony.

I want to ride... but I don't want to be bucked off would it be weird to have lessons again as an adult? And I would want a good riding school, but not one that was too stuck up...

I've been looking at booking a holiday to ireland this evening. I hope we get to go.

Nfmv - the light bleed has dropped back down to spotting again. Should stop soon and hopefully mark a new, more normal, cycle. GX!

Oh cats, bloody pony, what a pain! I'm sorry its not working out with the girl, pony doesn't know what's good for her!

Soooo these women that claim to 'just know'? Is it bullshit? My SIL took a test several days early because she was so sure, first month of trying too, cah. I love her really she is the only woman to have had child that I know IRL so I am basing everything baby related on her yardstick, which is making me feel a bit shite.

angela Hi and congrats on the weight loss - half a stone since the new year is impressive!

Trying Your DS sounds sweet! Must be hard to know how to respond when he says that... I'm assuming "daddy and I are working on it!" isn't an option

lil Thanks for the clarification re OPKs.. Tbh I'd been wary of joining any TTC threads and falling into the trap of obsessing. But I think a bit of obsessing is inevitable and if we can help each other not to obsess TOO much it's all good! I understand why you'd want to use OPKs especially if your cycles are irregular.

5hell Are you saying a positive result is 96% likely to be accurate but a negative is less likely to be accurate? I thought it was just 96% chance of a correct result? Confused.com... May have to inspect for small print!