You are not a robot and the ovary whisperer's chanting for you in the viroid commune with our carved cock relics- don't panic about the acid foof! It's JS 58!!!

[Ain626]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>Kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>'something'</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 57 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2542249-Theres-Chickens-up-Trees-and-BOGOF-Deals-from-the-Stork-Were-Seeking-out-the-Magic-Potion-whilst-avoiding-the-Rogue-Penis-Dont-Flash-your-Cat-its-JS-57?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2550495-Its-the-calm-before-the-storm-sort-of-that-is-Fantastic-February-and-the-March-Madness-we-did-a-lot-of-shagging-last-summer-We-need-more-JSers-on-this-our-44th-thread" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

I can wee at any given moment. If I ever do get upduffed I don't think my bladder will cope!

Think 5hell used ferning microscope

"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I'm a bit worried about you confused You've probably already had support for your issues (?) but it sounds to me like you still need it. You need to nourish yourself and (when the time comes) your baby!"

I'm a lot more nourished now than I was overweight, eating badly, drinking, etc. It's annoying because on paper I am slightly underweight but my diets brilliant and I'm not at risk of diabetes or heart disease, etc anymore. Hence why I don't like BMI.

Thanks for the soy thread fuzzy. Reading with interest. Sounds like it may be worth a go.

Also the hormone thing was interesting stumbly. I did not realise the thingy about oestrogen falling twice.

Alice when you say diet do you mean you're still dieting ie following a diet programme or do you mean just the way you eat now? I wouldn't get too hung up about a bmi of 19ish now as long as you can accept that you'll need to eat a bit more and gain some lbs when preg, which you can lose after baby if you so wish.

hi to alice and name!
nfmv: cd13, peeing on contraband and no positive yet... but feeling sick. what.

also I get UTIs at the drop of a hat, it is all about the post-sex wee!!

"apparently the day after ovulation your estrogen levels plummet which causes the irritability"

Thank you stumbly! I'm now convinced I ovulated yesterday. I was horny and had ovulation pains. Today I'm irritable and not horny! Plus it makes sense based on cycle lengths.

Sorry fuzzy I have taken 120, 120, think will take 160, 160, 200 for the next few days and just see what happens. If anything.

corgi gentle hooyah, but test again in a couple days or so. When is af due?

Yeah diet as in food, not an actual diet :)

ain I don't think corgi has iced yet!

Yeah 36 hours is their standard for after having given yourself the trigger but 24 for after a natural lh surge but I think I will ask for 24 hours next time as that's what worked for us. Also back on the vitamin c as that is supposed to help out hormone levels.

Jizznami :-) DH performance Thursday night was lacking, let's just say o for me is not difficult to obtain but DH managed to o first. This led to much pouting on my behalf as he tried to make light of it only to come across as a jerk who doesn't care about my enjoyment, totally not the case but he does have a tendency to say and do stupid things if flustered.

Thanks Ain.

I rarely get utis can only think of one in my life although it can really burn if I wee straight after sex, which is why I always go beforehand.

Really interesting to read about ovulation rage although I think mine is mainly to do with the amount of pressure I put myself under in my head when I am about to ice and how furious I get if DH stays up late watching sports or something that, in my eyes, is not at all important instead of shagging. Things have drastically improved since I started going against all advice and telling him when I ice, as he now realises the importance of certain dates whereas before he had no idea.

Yes...DP and I had a chat yesterday which made me realise that he thought that shagging at any time of the month bar AF could result in the bearing of a child!

He was most shocked when I told him that actually you just have a few days each month that 'count'.

I am getting quite jealous of all the shagging going on... I guess this is a cross I shall have to bear as an honorary member

I do wee wee all the time... I held on for too long yesterday and due to op on Tuesday that was not a good idea... very painful.

Okay am hungry again... off to reheat chilli con carne from yesterday... by the way foods containing cayenne pepper are very good after DTD for implantation :)

Laughing reading your conversations about jizz, I'm mature like that! Personal q but do you guys do a particular position or does it vary on mood? As oh likes me on top but like I read others say I worried about the jizz coming out! (Tmi) also read missionary or doggy was better for conception? Can't believe I'm talking so honestly about this...

My oh was also shocked about only having certain days to get pregnant, he also thought if you dtd multiple times a day it would give you more chance of getting preggers

stumbly and trying at your DPs' lack of knowledge! Still at least they know now

Re positions (and this is EXACTLY why I name changed!)... Usually we don't have sex too often and we'd be perfectly happy with the classic positions (mostly missionary but occasionally me on top).. But having had sex 5 times in the last 6 days (!) we got a bit bored. Hence my stressed out thread the other day! So we've been a bit more creative about positions and it's definitely helped. If nothing else we're spicing up our sex life a bit!

Having said that, now I've established that I ovulated yesterday, we've both admitted that we're slightly relieved to have a break from shagging duty for a bit!

We tend to stick to doggy and missionary/missionary with my legs on his shoulders (is there a name for that?) because I'm lazy and don't like being on top.

To me...and totally unscientific here...missionary probably makes most sense as I seem to find there is less....let's use the words jazz backdraft again.

However lil said the backdraft is seminal fluid rather than the good stuff so perhaps it makes no difference?

Google says that there's no studies to provide evidence of any particular position being best but that it's thought missionary with a pillow under the hips to tilt the pelvis slightly backwards is best to angle jizz in the correct way.

Interesting. I did think missionary was probably best for optimal jizzing. But you could use other positions to warm up, as it were

I hardly ever have sex in the missionary position (not because I am adventurous but because I find it uncomfortable) and have got pregnant twice once standing up and bent over, which surely has to be the furthest away from missionary so really don't think the position does make much difference.

Good memory just !!..I did indeed use a salivary microscope to track cycles, it appealed to my scientist ways...and was v cool when I actually did see ferning :)

If anyone (stumbly?) Wants to give it a go I'd be happy to post it on (after a thorough cleaning of course)

Positions aren't too much of an issue, though doggy is better if you have a retroverted(?) Uterus. After 18m TTC I tried going on my front/doing doggy more to see if it helped. Apparent my uterus is normal!

Feeling isn't thought to be particularly reliable as there have been some tests where men have been shown to be ovulating but probably good when combined with other indicators.

I miss being queen of the thread, I have so much fertility stuff in my brain its ridiculous!

I didn't know that about doggy being better for a backwards uterus, which I have, so maybe that is why being bent over worked so well for me!

And surely you can still be queen of the thread, even if you have your bump?