There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

My weekend has just got a whole lot better - I got the job

Just getting caught up...
Viroids you make me laugh so much - thank you!!!

Scottish please recycle!!! Get a tupper and use that :)

All your men seem to be pretty unobservant... Or maybe they do notice but dont let on?!

Egg book is all about what you can do to improve your egg quality - which is very important.

canters you sound lovely - can you please be my gp?

Waiting at clinic to have my fanjo explored...

Let me be the first to congratulate you myblackcat - well done!!!!

So glad about the job MyBlack although sorry you are on CD1.

The witch got me :( 1st period off contraception= oww.

Well done on the job Blackcat :)

Alice & Black sorry the witch got you, massive well done on the new job though Black

London keeping gx crossed it's a sticky bean, enjoy Vietnam.

My roc tends to be medication cups, although I'm really wanting a gu dessert now! The witch is due over the next few days, no real symptoms either way & trying very hard not to poas. I may have tried to evoke the los by ordering some contraband for next cycle

Ugh....I am hating being on AF since there's nothing you can do about TTC while she's here. Am feeling slightly grumpy....and naughty because I just napped all afternoon when I'm 'working from home'

Congrats Black and commiserations Alice. Gx for our next cycle!

Kwick....in the least weird way possible I will be thinking of you and your fanjo and hoping it's all okay and not too painful....

Yay black cat!! Congrats on the job, this is fantastic.

Kwick, of course I will be your gp! I will look into the egg book, sounds good and maybe something I need to think about.

Soooo nfmf....I have a fair amount of the good ol ewcm. But contraband x 2 today is negative- why?! I only get a day or so ewcm a cycle, clearly before I ovulate...I am gonna crack open the pre seed this month.

Comiserations to those got by the witch, but onto the next cycle- I have a good feeling we'll get some bfps in Feb.

Yay! Well done black

Sorry Alice how long was your cycle off of bc? Hope it doesn't turn out to be too painful!!!

Bit of a YayBoo day Black - nice work on the job front and enjoy the wine!

Alice, Fuzzy sorry she got you all round.

Am I the only one here who actually POAS? No ROC for me (DH or DD would drink from it, without question - and no matter how well I clean it, that's still rank).

Shag away regardless of the contraband Canters!

Corgi I reflected at length about my stillbirth. I have treated my fucking nightmare of an eportfolio as a diary for the last few months. It's much more useful than the other shit I've had to fill it up with. Hope the examiners approve of your answers! If it's anything like my membership writtens, you have to hope for a few lucky guesses and a below-average crowd sitting with you

Oh Chat I'm sorry about your stillbirth- I didn't realise you had been through that. Reflecting on that is probably far more valuable and genuine than the other shite we have to fill our eportfolios with!

What's the deal with the EWCM? Massive glob just now (fucking gross) and wondering if that shifts my fertile period back a few days?

Thanks guys.

Ain Never really used BC, so no idea! 29 days for the first one though is ok, hopefully the next one will be similar.

Thanks, Scottish, he was a lovely boy.

Thanks Chat. Going to enjoy the wine this weekend.

I am not very good at POAS since it somehow turns into SOEASYITP (spray on everything and saturate yourself in the process) which was a little embarrassing to say the least when I was in work! I think ICs are just too small and flimsy for me to use without a ROC although normal pregnancy tests or Clearblue OPKs I can manage with.

I am going to have some fertility acupuncture this month. I had it both previous times I conceived, so who know if it was a conincidence or not. At least it will make me feel like I am trying all I can. At least I think DH is starting to realise getting pregnant isn't always that easy.

I am right there with Fuzzyowl - my aim is not good enough for POAS and also I am not so good at stopping and starting... (really need to do something about my pelvic floor).

So my fanjo needs some help. I had the Dummy Embryo Transfer and the 3D scan... doc not so happy with one side of uterus cavity and says I should have a hysteroscopy and D&C asap so that they can clean me out... booked in for Tuesday. Feeling a little delicate, especially after such a manic and stressful week at work. Just need some time to process. This could actually be why 5 IUIs did not work... if I could do it all again I would certainly do things differently - ie supplements, tests like this, warm feet, and so on.

Sorry it has taken until now for someone to suggest the clean out and I hope that works for you Kwick. Does it mean after Tuesday, and recovery, you will be looked at again to make sure everything is fine to go ahead?

My roc is a little plastic jug I keep tucked behind loo came home the other day to dp in Bath using it to wash his hair didn't have the heart to tell him!

Cori

Kwick I'm sorry that no one has suggested that to you already. But hopefully it means that there is a logical reason why the IUI's didn't work and that after the clear out (my head pictures a tiny little person with a broom... I'm sure that's NOT what happens!) everything will come together much more nicely for you.

DH asked me if I was pg yesterday. I've been emotionally all over the place, and craving raspberries, jacket potato and cheese and onion crisp sandwiches (not all together I hasten to add). But then he agreed with me that I'm always a little crazy and I do sometimes go through phases of wanting particular things (normally chocolate!) so it's probably not a symptom at all! Haha.

Kwick...sorry to hear you need something else to be done. I'm probably being dense but what is it that they clean out and how does it impact your chances of conceiving?

Gx that it helps you get upduffed. What is the next step after the clean out?

Kwick gx this helps you to get upduffed.

Caved in & poas ... bfn

How many dpo Angela ?

Around 12-13dpo, maybe 14 at a push

Sorry Angel

Viroids - as usual you have been exemplary with your well wishes - I am so glad that I stumbled across this group and was allowed to join (even though no JS has happened in my lady garden for yonks!)

Ain I like the idea of someone with a broom. I think they laser/cut the stuff away. Not too clear on the procedure just SO glad I will be "asleep" for it! I think the next step after this will be a baseline scan at the start of my next bleed (which is not a true witch as I will be taking drugs from Tuesday to stop ovulation). I also have the delight of having to swab myself at some stage so they can check again for nasties.

The reason they want to do the "sweep out" is because yesterday they saw one side of my uterus cavity was uneven - and an egg will typically only implant on a smooth side... so this could have been why IUIs did not work. (But it could also be that at the time they were imaging my tissue had folded or something else). The procedure they are going to do will enable them to see very clearly what is going in up there. The whole deal with IVF at my clinic (and I guess why they have such good success rates) is that they do as much as they can to get the environment right for when they return the embryos.

Last night I had to take more antibiotics and a pessary NOT up my fanjo... FOR GODS SAKE that was not pleasant inserting! Feeling a tad delicate...

Sorry for your bfn azul