There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Oh and fuzzy....gx for you!!!

My memory is too awful to get everyone in one post

I was out last night for a natter with friends so have had to catch up this morning over my unbelievably healthy breakfast of tea and rich tea biscuits

So tempted to phone in sick. I really could do with a duvet day. I'm not sick though. Have woken up tired and my bed is very comfy..

Thanks stumbly .

Also now I want rich tea biscuits and tea..

Sorry...apologies in advance of small non-fertility related rant:

Arrrrrrrgh! I'm in charge of organising the annual girl's weekend away. 10 of my closest friends. Organising them is like herding a bloody pack of cats. I hate them all this morning.

I don't envy you there stumbly trying to organise is a nightmare... 'I can't do that weekend..' 'I don't want to do that..'

Hope you're shower makes you feel a bit better.

I have resisted the biscuits, but still not happy about getting ready for work.

Oh pull a sickie ain! Sorry. Am a terrible influence.

Hahahaha just over estimating length of cock. So funny. My DH does that too.

Gx for Alice and cori.

Sooo did another contraband this morning and second line paler. Wtf? Isn't it meant to get darker until I ov? On the other hand there has been no sex this cycle yet so probably just as well icing isn't imminent. Stupid fanjo.

Feel better after shower, grumbling has ceased for now. It takes much biting of my tongue to get these holidays sorted!

kwick...did you order any new magic potion yet? Did you go US or UK?

My best friend ordered some on a US site...I helped her pick(!)...I was totally amazed by the level of info she got about the donor on the US site....lots of pictures, education level, a little bio and even personality scores...did you see the same?

just your daft DP! I think he and scottish's stupid DH should both be reminded that maybe they are not the amazing testosterone filled specimens they think they are!

ooooh yes, kwick did you choose your potion, it's very interesting to hear about how one goes about such things...

stumbly I don;t envy you doing organising, it is always a nightmare. Good luck.

cori I sometimes get cramping when I ovulate, in fact I get all sorts of pre AF type symptoms when I ovulate, then for a week before AF too. My body likes to annoy me.

Sounds like ovulation pains to me Cori which doesn't necessarily mean you are ovulating now, just that your body is gearing up to do so.

Canters my OPKs don't work logistically at all. I can have a medium line, almost positive line, faint line, medium line, no line at all and then a really strong positive in that order. Just keep testing and DTD.

I got a BFN this morning with an IC and kind of FMU, although I was up in the night. AF is definitely late now but because of my short LP, FF says I am only 13dpo so ordered some next day delivery FRERs

howdy viroids! thanks for the well-wishes for exam. Think it went OK though hard to tell! There were a few fertility investigation questions, thanked the lord for my viroid knowledge Had lots of gin last night, was amazing...

So tempted to buy some OPKs for next cycle idly browses amazon but remind me of the science - is it a positive when both lines are as dark as each other? and that means you are having an LH surge and will ice in the next 24 hours? interesting... have just been going off ice pain at the moment though I had none the cycle I got preggers.

sorry I haven''t read back fully yet but london have you retested yet? < tries to contain excitement >
also laughing at just's DP

I went to work canters it is Thursday after all.. my Thursdays are one of the best days in my week, so figured might as well get on with it... going okay so far. Kids are extra well behaved. Not sure why!

I was very silly, gives self hooyah. I poas this morning at a possibly suspected 10 dpo. Bfn of course..

It's all exciting over on the grads.

Glad it's been an ok day ain. My morning was quite good although had a woman ask me if there were any faster ways to get pregnant- in my head I was like 'NO I WOULD BE BLOODY WELL DOING IT IF THERE WAS' but obvs did my fake professional smile and trotted out the usual gp advice. Wah.

Good to know opks don't need to be logical. I was worried that after the weekends shenanigans there was some funny business going on in my ovaries.

Woooooooop exam done corgi! Fab. Am sure you'll have passed. And yes the test line has to be as dark as the control line on the opks buy some buy some buy some

Just texted dh and told him he has to jizz in me tonight so not to be home late. Romantic.

bought some, hope they get here quick by icing time
bloody patients eh canters! I hope you told her to just keep on shagging

stumbly I nearly caved! About a 1000 ic came through the post along with my digital one to check the BFP, they are so tiny! I didn't realise they were so small.

Cramping like a bitch now, pretty sure the witch is going to get me.

Hooyah to all you viriods getting happy with the pissy sticks too early or even thinking about it!

I just called for my blood results - they were all 'within acceptable levels' but the receptionist couldn't tell me if they had all come back and she said she thought one of them was for lupus - WTF?!! After much wrangling I have got her to add me to my Dr's list for a call today, otherwise I won't hear til Monday.

canters my GP is so understanding with all things maternal, mc, pnd, anxiety etc - I often wonder if she has been through similar herself and think how hard it must be for her to have to deal with it all the time. If you find out that magical way to get upduffed, please do let me know.

Officially CD1 of cycle 6 for me. Bizarrely what is annoying me the most is that I had a slightly longer cycle this month anyway, plus I wasted a day by being late, so this means that it will take me longer to ovulate this cycle. Logic is rarely my thing!

Glad you think the exam went well Corgi.

Any reason why you will have been tested Cats? I have SLE (and a couple of other autoimmune conditions) and I am unaware of them having an impact on my fertility.

I used to have such a lovely and sympathetic GP before I moved and my new surgery seem much more clinical and cold. I just don't feel happy going there for advice, especially since I think they will tell me to just keep doing what I am already doing. However, I am in my late thirties and am going to definitely make an appointment with my GP if I am still not pregnant by Easter. In the meantime, I am going to have some acupuncture for fertility and see if I can borrow someone's horse for a point to point or event so that sod's law will ensure I get pregnant instead (it worked wonders with my intended skiing holiday last time I ttc).

Hi viroids. I retested today as my temperature dropped somewhat. Very faint line but since then I've started cramping and bleeding a bit. Not as heavy as my normal Day 1 AF but more than spotting and pretty painful.

I had a feeling this wasn't meant to be-- I hate testing so early. I'm really hoping to come back preggers for Vietnam. If not, I might go and start some testing. By end of February we'll have been trying for about 6 cycles (including MC). I just want to reassure myself nothing easily fixable is amiss so I'm not wasting time if you know what I mean.

I might be off the fred after I fly tomorrow so just in case I don't have a chance to pop back on, I've got gx for everyone testing soon and I'm waving cock carving madly around my head to bring high fertility to us all.

Feb is going to be a bumper month!!

So sorry London and I really hope you aren't miscarrying. Have a safe flight tomorrow and hope to hear from you with good news soon.

Oh London. I'm sorry if its what you think it might be. Big hug. I hope you have a wonderful time in Vietnam and I hope this is just a bit of implantation bleeding. Gx.

I did tell her to keep shagging corgi! In polite medical language of course.

Cats, she probably has been through it herself to some degree. The day after I discovered my chemical I had a patient proudly tell me how she got pregnant first try with both her children.... I had to go and have a little sob in the toilet after.

Anyhow, on wards and upwards!!

Fuzzy The GP called and apparently it covers a whole load of tests including something I can't remember the proper name for but know is sometimes called 'sticky blood' I know that can have an impact in implantation. Definitely get a horse to point to point - I am planning on drag hunting in March when it comes to our farm and secretly hoping by doing that I will get up the duff by then

So, nothing in my bloods, which is good but I really wanted an easy explanation and fix. I have been referred to the clinic at the hospital so have to wait for the appointment to come through.

London sorry to hear about bleeding and cramps, it seems far far too common. I hope you have an amazing time away and forget about it as much as is possible

Canters I think you are right, and I am so lucky to have her as my GP. That must have been so hard for you :(

Yes - war cries and cocks in hands - lets do this!

London I've got my fingers crossed for you. Earlier I googled heavy spotting in early pregnancy (I'm in denial that AF is on the way) and found lots of anecdotal evidence that it can be fine and babies stay sticky

In terms of GP's you can always ask to be changed to another or switch to another surgery. Unsympathetic gp is the last thing anyone needs.

Hang in there cats

Ah Cats, I have been tested for sticky blood/Hughes before and don't have it. Had totally forgotten about that. Glad your bloods are all clear although I know what you mean about wanting an answer.

London sorry to hear that.

cats know the frustration of clear bloods and wanting to know why.

corgi I sometimes get very strong ov pains when my left is ov but not when my right.

Nfmv: definitely the witch, impatient to start js after 6 months of medical interventions. Even if I think js is for my sanity and not likely to work.

On page 29...
Just I just laughed at loud... Sorry as I know you are missing the jizz but so funny

azul no wine for me but I may treat myself to a non-alcoholic beer!

Today has been better - still crazy at work but at least I did not get into trouble today that I know of
Fanks for all warm wishes - feel very supported :)

oh London sorry. That is rubbish. Hope you have the best time in Vietnam though and shag without thought for icing or contraband! safe flight.

fuzzy sorry about the witch getting you.

cats maybe it is antiphospholipid syndrome they're testing for, and yes you do check lupus anticoagulant for that unless I am mistaken... (this guideline is quite good though very medical obvs, sorry: www.rcog.org.uk/globalassets/documents/guidelines/gtg_17.pdf) I know it's annoying not having anything wrong with your bloods though. With my thyroid I at least felt like hopefully it would help me conceive a bit faster and also drop the mc risk. Is your TSH less than 2?

canters that sounds shit. So many people (my mother included) have told me that it only took them one go and I'm like (through gritted teeth) "oh how wonderful!" grrr.

not looking forward to weekend on call in obstetrics. last one though before I change to paeds!

nfmv: waiting for witch to sod off so can recommence le shagging. huuuurgh for bumper-BFP February!