There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

I have a cat who suffers really badly with cystitis stumbly but he has been much better on special urinary tract biscuits, a plug in thingy (called Feliway), a filtered drinking fountain, a litter tray, some capsules that are sprinkled on his food and generally being spoilt! Hope your cat is ok.

Thanks Fuzzy...Hopefully she should be okay. She's a very needy cat and so gets anxious about any sort of seperation.

Last time I went into hospital for three weeks she took out her stress by peeing on the kitchen draining board...of all places! Very grim and took some serious calming down to stop it. God only knows how she'll be when a baby comes along

I just use a note pad to track DTD, symptoms etc. I feel like a right Luddite now

My girl cat does have good taste. The boy will eat anything. Including licking my legs if I've rubbed body oil on them! He's a right weirdo. He likes drinking left over bathwater as well despite always having fresh water downstairs-- of course that's because he watches me take a bath.

DTD last week he snuck in our bedroom. DH and I didn't notice until we 'finished' and he was sat staring at us at the bottom of the bed!

stumbly you have my sympathy. Our girl is needy as well. Whenever we go away she pees on our leather sofa. The first time the insurance covered it being replaced but now we put a tarp on it. She pees on the tarp but that's easy to clean.

Lord knows I've now definitely outed myself if anyone from RL is on this thread!

London I use this Fred to track! No fancy apps for me, DD would only open them up and start asking questions. I can just hear her on the bus now..."Mummy, what does EWCM spell?". Yes, no apps for me!

Our cat is also v anxious, she's a rescue cat and has always been a bit weird. She coped okay when DD was born but does seek out quiet places for days on end. Caught her with her head in my ICs/Moon cup/san pro cupboard yesterday. I'm hoping it was just because that patch of the carpet is warmer than the rest but I'm suspicious.

Sorry WTFers, it's a real headfuck. Mostly I've conceived fairly quickly after my MCs. This time around it's taking a little longer, but post-DD I didn't even ice for almost a year, so I guess this is an improvement. I'm going to the docs in March if no joy by then too. I just don't want my body to be broken.

Welcome Alice! Join in, overshare

We have some excellent next title material already - carved cocks, war paint, cats eating contraband...

Good luck with AKT Corgi - all I know is that it's a very expensive exam! Glad I don't have to do anything more for a while, hate revising.

I need to make my cats get off their furry butts and do something exciting or interesting so they can have a shot at being title material!!

Welcome fart and alice

None of the period trackers I've used most of them have helped me get pregnant

I've got so bored of a childless life that this year I've entered a 15 mile cross country race next month then in March a duathlon, April could be a half marathon attempting to invoke los I love parkrun and run most Saturday's

I need to get upduffed soon otherwise I might end up entering a marathon!

Sorry to all those being messed around with wtf cycles and those with the witch arriving, I'm sure I'll be joining you at the weekend

I've finally got a job interview tomorrow for my own job, think I'll go and chant at the cock carving for some positive vibes

Good luck for tomorrow MyBlackCat.

My cat will eat anything, if there is food in the kitchen I have to lock her out. She ate all the bacon off the top of a quiche once, is partial to spag Bol, eats toast and licks her bowel for extra crumbs when it's empty I do feed her honest. This morning after she'd eaten her breakfast she just sat looking at her empty bowl then giving me the death stare cos it was empty

london definitely a line! Congratulations

alice welcome!

Too many posts to remember who said what but this is my contribution to the carved cocks, just an idea for corgis (I think it was her!)

My cat is super needy. Regularly watches me have a bath, cries and scratches door if I dare to lock it. Also chat loves my contraband cupboard weirdly.

Licks bowel best typo ever!

licks her bowel for extra crumbs when it's empty can't believe I wrote that DH asking what I'm laughing at

Hello Alice welcome to the fread.

Good luck with the exam Corgi, for those with the witch & wtf cycles.

I use glow & ovia, both of them are just OK I guess actually wondering now why I use either of them Tried ff before, but we couldn't seem to get on.

So my moods all over the show atm - being a right narky cow & there's been tears. I'd say the witch will make an appearance soon. Did laugh at the recent posts though, so thanks for putting a smile on my face, even if it was only for a couple mins.

My cats decided to eat chicken which was in the package on side defrosting stupidly assuming they would not manage to get though the plastic tray type package it was in! Good job I wasn't that hungry and dd both went out straight from work and college! I have also discovered that one of my kittens is very partial to lemon drizzle cake having left assuming it was quite safe a particularly nice piece on the side with my cuppa when I answered the door only to return to a lot less cake and kitten with crumbs in her whiskers licking her lips!

Just guffawed at the 'cat licking its own bowel'

It took my mind off food for a minute anyway. DP gets in at 9.30pm on Tuesday's and I'm close to licking my own bowel also really hungry.

Only just checking posts - on page 26

Thank you all so much for your viroid war cries. I REALLY wish I had checked in this morning as I have had another shitty day at work. Things are just so intense and stressy at the moment. I must have sworn a thousand times and I promised myself I would not do that anymore. You viroids are the best.

honey I am with you - FRER are the only way to go!

corgi sorry witch got you.

London I hear your pain on parma ham... I love my jamon serrano but have not had ANY since September and it is nearly killing me... especially over Christmas where we normally get a whole leg to carve....

what are you viroids like with all the phalic symbols... maybe that is where I have been going wrong...

NFMBB (boobage bump): GP reckons I have an infection and has prescribed antibiotics
Going on to page 28 now...

Hope the antibiotics help Kwick and here is another viroid war cry to get you through work tomorrow!

Okay am all caught up :)

Viroids you make me laugh and smile and have hope - thank you so much for allowing me to be an honorary member. I am so grateful I found you.

I am off to bed as exhausted and have (another) early start. Night, night!

Can we have tribal outfits to go with the war cries and war paint?
I got blue paint on my jeans and on my shoes, inadvertently literally joined in with the war paint there!!!

Thank you to whoever was giving support regarding my colleague being pregnant ( corgi ? Damn my memory!)

I love love love the carved cock light switch - I believe that one was corgi too!

My emotions are driving me crazy! From being in tears yesterday, I now feel pretty good! Mind the positivity has been helped by the fact that I did get good comments from my observation yesterday, and then today I got slimmer of the month at slimming world! Woop woop. Now just need to keep it up so that I'm more likely to get the clomid...

How long do skittletits last for? My nips are like permanently erect right now and are still sensitive. I thought it had died down, but then taking my bra off tonight, omg!!! I am sure they could be worse but I'm not used to it!

So I Googled skittletits.

According to the urban dictionary it means small boobs... definitely not my issue!

There was also a woman with skittles tattooed on her boobs..

Ha ha, not sure where we came up with skittletits (which my phone now recognises!) but I've got them.
I did get my cape on in the morning after pos opk... But we may have had a jizz incident (jizzident?) dp managed to jizz on my bumhole which isn't v conducive to ttc and then mum was staying and dp is away for work tonight.
So all in all bloody unlikely to get pg. remind me of this in 2 weeks!

Oh dear. Could you not fit in a quickie this morning?

I'm not sure just I can't remember now, but my phone recognises it too, and pretty much most of our viroid words, will need it to teach it jizzident

I'll get some drums out the cupboard at work..!

kwick hope the antibiotics kick in soon - your boobage bump doesn't sound much fun.
Think you should market those carved cock light pulls corgi - go on dragons den or something, it would be hilarious.
AF arrived as expected on sun (boo), so a couple of days left before I can don my cape again. Been TTC for 8 cycles now, but am 36 so should really see the doc about it I suppose. But I know they'll tell me I'm too fat so I am giving it another cycle to lose weight before I go - have lost 6 lbs since Xmas.

Hello viroids, just catching up - the cat licking it's own bowel has made a hilarious mental image. I am in stitches!

just what a nuisance having a jizzident right at the wrong time! I will try and remember to tell you.....

nfmfp (fucking pony): I schooled her this morning and she was the best and easiest she's ever been for me in the school, kept in a lovely canter, didn't try to buck. Which makes me thing that the bucking was her just trying it on with the new little jockey. Grrrrrr. I hope said new jockey is as ballsy as you canters and carries on to get past it.

Right - viroid war cry and on with the day, hurrrrgh!