Is not trying to stop conception, the same as TTC?

[AnguaVonUberwald]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, we stopped using contraception 3 months ago and are BDing etc. But haven't been doing anything else positive towards TTC.

I really want to conceive but feel really ambivalent about all the TTC strategies - especially taking temperatures, which really wouldn't work for me, as I always wake up in the night etc.

The point to this post, if there is one, seems to be that I have thought about us as TTC - but just having sex, without any kind of counting of days, temp taking etc, doesn't seem to really, well, count, as TTC - it just seems to be a negative - i.e. not trying to stop conception.

I have thought a lot about this, and in the end we have bought a clear blue fertility monitor and plan on using it from next month.

I am really rambling here, and probably won't get any responses, but just really trying to clear my head.

I think the issue for me is that I think its really too early (only three months in) to be doing things like using fertility monitors. On the other hand I don't want to take temps/count days, and then I feel like we are not TTC, just not trying to stop conception happening.

Does this make sense to anybody?

Hi Angua...

Why don't you try using the fertility monitor for a month or two, and take note of when your cycle starts. After a couple of months you'll have a rough idea of when ovulation is happening each month and you can try and focus your BDing around that period without feeling too pressured.

I agree that reading Take Charge Of Your Fertility (by Toni Weschler; see www.tcoyf.com) would be a good thing to do. I found it really empowering, and it's got to be a good thing to encourage us women to get to know our bodies better - whether we're using natural methods to try to conceive or to try to prevent pregnancy.

Hi to AnguaVonUberwald, and everyone else on this thread.
Hhhhmmm, it is very interesting what has been said so far, and seeing as I have been through the nutjob phase and am almost coming out of the other side (sans la pregnancy) I thought I might add my twopence worth.
Me and dh have not used contraception since we got married in aug04. For the first year we just had all the sex but he "withdrew" at the last minute, so not really contraception, but no preg scares either. When we had been married a year we started being a bit lax in the "taking it out" department, we sometimes did we sometimes didnt. Still no prgcy. After 4 months of this, we "officially" start ttc in jan 06. I hopefully start the first "hoping for a positive!" thread in jan 05 on mumsnet, convinced i will become pregnant, and start checking out moses basket on the tinternet. All guns blazing on both parts. Nothing happens. Nada. Not a thing. 2nd month, i start getting a little tetchy. Obviously far too early by the way, but im tetchy just the same. We do it nearly every day. Still nothing. I buy a persona monitor and spend lots of time peeing on sticks. My mumsnet usage goes through the roof. Nothing again. 3rd month i cut out my glass of wine with dinner, start exercising more and buy "the book" (tony weschler!) I figure i may have a prob with ewcm. I buy preseed. We do it everyday and dh feels like a sperm bank. Nothing again.
Sorry to go on but you are obviously getting the picture. With each month that went by I was doing more and more and more stuff, because i was under the illusion that what i was doing could make a difference. DUH!! Wrong!!!
To cut a long on going story a little shorter - I eventutally went for tests, found out I was not ovulating, had scans and more tests, was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), had a lap and dye to check my tubes, and had Ovarian drilling (diathermy) surgery to help with the ovulation and also a dermoid cyst removed which wasnt exaclty helping things.
We are still ttc. I still desperatly want a baby.
But apart from healthy eating and cutting out the wine, I no longer drive myself insane with the temping, charting, weeing on persona sticks or licking the bloody fertility microscope to check for ferning patterns which may indicate ovulation!!!!! You name it and im sure i have done it, even to the point of having acupuncture and seeing a psychic
We are still ttc. We bd most days. My period still comes. I have no idea if i am ovulating or not now, but my next gyny appt is not until April. If i am blessed with becoming pregnant before then, so be it. If not, then I have developed the attitude, what will be, will be.
I dont have the energy or the space in my head to feel that i can control this any more.
Thats all i wanted to say really. So sorry for such a long post, but if i can offer any insight at all, it is not to let yourself so tangled up in it all before you even do.
I wish you every success, I hope you get your baby-bump very soon.
Remember, everything happens just the way it is meant to, we just have to learn to accept life this way.
x x x x x x x x x pussycatmomma

WOW! pussycatmomma! you talk a LOT of sense! i am currently ttc and getting completely OBSESSED by it all and even after telling myself i wouldnt get obsessed this month i am already. i agree with your ' what will be will be' attitude! very sensible and i am going to reread your message all the time to try and keep myself from going insane!

PCM - you are so wise. Hope you are well. Me and coggy are having a break from mn at the mo, but i keep popping back on. x

the book is by Toni Weschler
it's a ttc bible but also hels you unerstand your own fertility for avoiding conception as well as ttc.
Esp recommend if you have erratic cycles, it can de mystify the process
You need it

Thank you merryPiffmas. Will get hold of a copy.

Brilliant post Pussymama - that is exactly what I am scared of. I am a very "organising" person, I like making things happen, and having some kind of control so I can really see myself becoming a nutjob very quickly.

I will try and remember your words of wisdom, but expect I will have to learn the hard way, through experiance.

oh, i didnt think anyone would respond after my mini rant, i thought i might have killed the thread!
So glad i didnt.
I really am not a wise girl at all. Thankyou for saying i speak sense. I dont think it is sense, so much as a sense of "I cant make this happen".
Also, as much as I am a strong believer in positive thinking, 18mths down the line I understand there is no direct correlation(sp) between what I would like to happen and what actually does happen.
Hiya to Natty, im off mumsnet as well, havent posted for yay-ges just needed to post on this one.
AnguaVonUberwald - I know we all have to find our own path honey, you sound so similar to myself though, with the organising and control aspect, just keep yourself in check a little.
The thing none of us really know when we embark on this ttc journey is a) how long its gonna last and b) if we are ever gonna get to our destination.
I guess most of us will, and we'll get there on time. For others we have to take detours, and may lose our way for a while, only to find the destination just as we are about to give up.
And then for a few, we have to consult the map and learn to find a different road to travel in our lives.
xxxxxx hugs to all.

We abandoned contraception (Mirena coil) thinking I'd fall pregnant as easily as I had done with our first three children.

That was 3.5 years ago, and since then our only pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 13 weeks.

In the first year, I charted etc like a nutcase.

As the first anniversary hove in sight, I started researching diets and possible conditions. I went slightly mad and obssessive about it all at this point.

At the start of year 3, I was quite low about it all, and taking vitamins and supplements right left and centre.

After about a further year of feeling more than sorry for myself and obsessing about it, I decided to start trying to let it go.

I no longer felt as if I knew my body- pre-mirena signs of fertility were absent, and nothing was doing what it had once done. I felt as though I was no longer myself.

Eventually I became resigned to the new me, almost.

In August, I became pregnant, a pregnancy that was doomed from the start, alas.

Easier said than done as it means at my age (nearly 39) accepting my own mortality- maybe I will never have another child. Maybe this really is it for us. Maybe there will be another.

I cannot read the runes, and am beginning to start to commence to relax about it. I think.

The thermometer still goes everywhere I go, but I am more resigned than upset when the period comes. I do not record my temps on a chart- they are more for my own edification, to corroborate what I think I know about my body.

I'm not sure I can offer anything beyond my personal experience, except to say that if you are like me, it will take over your life if you start buying stuff.

Good luck.

duchesse.....you are one brave woman. I feel for you, I can start to imagine the pain you are going through, but admire your "matter of factness". My sister had a miscarriage early on, with her only pregnancy also. She is about to start her 5th cycle of IVF shortly.
You are right about the buying stuff, somehow the more we think we know, the more control we feel we have, when in fact we have very little.
Like i say, its a journey with an unknown end.

sorry quick Hijack, pussycat have been reading ..but how are you???

hiya sweetie! nice to see your name pop up, albeit in christmas disguise.
Im not really ok, but im functioning, sometimes thats as much as it feels like really.
How far along are you honey?? When are you due? Do you know the sex? I often think of you and trace y'know.
Big massive hugs to you xxxx

Just to add that my story is very similar to pussycatmommas, without the PCOS. My one piece of advice, if you want to 'try' without really TTC, is to find out first if you are ovulating or not, it could save many months of disappointment.

I'm good I've not seen trace around for ages, Wannabe was on the other day and I've just emailed her.
I'm now 30 weeks and have been told it's a girl. I've been keeping my eyes open for all the old faces but don't see people often, I notice natty says coggy has taken an break. I'm sorry if things aren't working out,last time i saw you, you were about to cow sit!! I hope things get better for christmas

You all speak a lot of sense. I guess that is why I have wanted to go straight to the fertility machine type thing. Its technology (and I am comfortable with that), it bypasses all the charting/temping and it gives me some form of control. - I will try really hard to remember the words of wisdom etc, but strongly suspect I will have to go through my own "nutty" phase before I reach sanity on the other side.

Housemouse - how do I check if I am ovulating or not?

Angua, the Fertility Monitor you have bought should give you an indication, after a few months when it has built up an accurate picture of your 'cycle', of whether you are ov'ing or not - the reason I suspected I wasn't ov'ing was because I was using Persona, (which is practically the same as your fertility monitor) but not using it as a contraceptive, we were ttcing on the 'red' days, when supposedly I was at my most fertile, but the egg (ov) symbol only flashed up once in 6 months. My suspicions were confirmed after I went to the dr and had a CD21 blood test.

So, if you are laid back and content to wait a few months and let the monitor determine that you are (hopefully!) ov'ing, that's fine.

But, looking back, I wished I'd gone to the dr six months sooner, and I would have said we'd been trying for a year without success, something must be wrong, I would like a blood test please.

Housemouse is correct, I was doing the same thing with Persona monitor, using it as reverse contraception if you like. But please be aware, if you have anything like pcos, ovulation predictor gadgets are very unreliable because of increased hormones. I used mine for about 4-5 months, got the egg sign regularly. This was sposed to indicate impending ovulation, but at the same time persona was showing the egg, the drs. blood tests were coming back saying i wasnt ovulating. It is something to do with increased lutenizing hormone, apparently you get an increase just before you ovulate, but with pcos you can sometimes have very high levels all the way along and this can give misleading results on persona or other fertility monitors or weeing on stick things . Just wanted you to be aware hun. xx