Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Maybe he's like this because I let him.

This ^ was my first thought lovely. It's not on that he's taking advantage and treating you badly but are you making it easy for him to do so?

Stand up for yourself, you deserve better.

I've just done something awful. Dp pissed me off last night )
(Got home drunk, three hours late when we had people over for dinner) and I was too annoyed to shag. But had all the ewcm yesterday and today had same and positive opk so have pretended I'm over it so I got the jizz

Sorry if my last post was a bit too tactless. You know yourself whether the relationship is worth the heartache. Do his good points outweigh his arseholeyness? We all have our moments in relationships but if he makes you feel this bad without caring about your feelings, is he really worth your love?

Ha! I know you're right. He's being a complete twat! I'm just not sure how to handle it. Counselling might be an idea though. I'll look into it. I'm way passed the stage of being weepy. I just want to fix it now as every weekend like this is shit. He can be a great bloke, he's got loads of friends and has been best man a zillion times. We have lots of sisters between us and he's the only brother/Bil so is very protective of them and the first to jump in and offer them advice if they're going through a tough time with their partners. Unfortunately in this situation he genuinely doesn't see himself as the problem. I might hook up a camera! I think if he could hear himself he'd realise how unreasonable he is being.

Thanks for the advice, I think I'm going to move into the spare room for a bit and just focus on me. Let him do his thing and just see how it pans out. Plans for this afternoon include a bit of pampering. I think if I felt a bit more attractive I might find a bit more confidence to deal with him. The seventies bush and the grey roots are on the way out! also going to try and address the money situation. If I had a few quid left at the end of the month I think I'd feel less bitter towards him. I might talk to him about just having one account between us when things have settled. Last time I asked he gave me £50 for a haircut though just noticed he's done the washing and its on the line

Noooo I love a 70s boosh! For comparison on the money front DH'S wages and mine both go into the joint account then we get £200 a months for 'fun things' each. Clothes, music, going out with friends etc. And buying each other gifts so it is still a bit secret. This way I don't feel guilty for spending 'our' money on shoes and I can keep a handle on DHs extravagant spending! When baby pud arrives this is going down to £50 a month as we will have no money!

We put money in one account and spend from it. At the end if the month one of us will transfer any leftovers to a savings account. Not usually any left though!

Tink you know he's a twat. I am proud of your for pampering yourself. You go girl!

Oh Tink please don't think his bad behaviour is in any way your fault. It's a slippery slope if you start thinking like that. It sounds like he needs individual counselling more than you, to address why he is so critical of other people.
The money issue is a worry. You need to demand more access to his funds. I think perhaps asking him for money for a haircut just reinforces that it is his to distribute as he sees fit, rather than yours as a couple. How is he with his money around other people? Is he generous or tight? Good idea for the pampering afternoon.

Pamper yourself and treat yourself nicely. Weekends should be what you look forward to not dread because of someone else's behaviour.

He thinks nothing of going out with his mates and spending £100's so he's not tight with himself. He just struggles with seeing money as ours. His parents are quite wealthy but have worked bloody hard and penny pinched for it, maybe he's learnt it from them. His dm has never had her name on their mortgage! He doesn't moan too much about paying for stuff, like drinks and things, tbh I quite often go to the local pub without my purse with him so he's not completely tight. It's confusing because when I think about it the pattern is that if its spending on stuff he wants to do, he doesn't moan. If it's on stuff I want to do, or things for the house, I pay for it myself. I think you're all right. I'm getting walked all over here. Like, he'll pay for me to go skiing because he loves it = generous. Then I give him all the money I have anyway because I feel guilty. Then if we need new furniture for example, he says no so I up cycle charity shop stuff with my own money too. Cue me constantly skint and resentful. Just one account would solve the problem. I get so worried someone else is involved sometimes. I wonder if that's why he doesn't want me seeing where his money goes. I don't think there is though, I think I'm just trying to find a reason for his weirdness.

Good work on getting the jizz just

Hope Brazil was all you hoped sock it looks amazing on TV. Hope the itching subsides. My cure all is an Epsom salt bath. Don't know if it might be worth a try.

So my hair is now black and my fanjo is on fire! the vacuum is calling to me though. Am trying to stay strong but the tiled floor is actually crunchy to walk on.

Thanks again for the support - it really helps to hear it's not just me that thinks it's not right.

Ah Tink problem solved- next time you go skiing you can just push him off a chairlift. Oops

Ouch to firey fanjo! It's not you, I doubt there's anyone else involved, he just sounds tight.

Having my usual icing imminent burst of optimism about ttc, give it a week and I'll be back to doom and gloom. Especially as this is first jizz in a week so not v likely that this cycle will be any different!

Dp snoring on sofa and I want him to wakeup and watch madmen with me. Considering throwing cat on him and acting innocent when he wakes

fruit

Crunchy floors and burning fanjos don't sound like a good way to spend an afternoon!

Congratulations to Justme and Feathered - woohoo!

As for Brazil - we spent 3 days at Iguassu falls, visited both the Brazilian and Argentinian sides. Then to Rio for 5 days, did all the touristy things like Christ the Redeemer, Sugarloaf mountain, samba dancing (which I am shit at), went to Ipanema and Copacabana beaches but the weather wasn't really good enough for sunbathing/swimming. We went to Ilha Grande which was stunning, a real little paradise island. I went diving for the first time in ages and we found some really beautiful secluded beaches. We then had one final day back in Rio before our flight, including a vair fancy meal for our anniversary, and got a message out of the blue from two of my friends saying they had come on an impromptu trip to Brazil and wanting to meet up the next day!

Flight home was a bit meh, unimpressed by BA on this occasion, but overall it was a fab trip. Back to work tomorrow night, sigh...

Ooh Sock that sounds fabulous. Very jealous.

Tink I'm sorry but he's sounding like a tool. Being a best mate and good brother doesn't equal being a good husband. DH and I have had a joint account since we married. All moneys in, everything we spend comes out. We only have separate accounts for tax purposes. There have been times where each of us earns more - it matters to him more than me, he's a bit old fashioned like that.

Good stealth jizz acquisition, just :)

Fruit

Sounds lovely sock mad that your friends turned up!! Brazil isn't exactly a common holiday destination (not round these parts anyway).

Do it just throw the cat! then run and come back in whistling a minute or two later!

For further comparison pud I bet he spends £1000 per month on beer, going out and paying off his credit card. I have no use for that sort of cash, literally wouldn't know what to do with it. It'd be nice for it to feel like ours though.

fruit from chatting with you lot I can see it's not my fault. I feel I should be able to just be myself and that should be enough for him. Trying to live up to his ideals is not my idea of fun. That's exactly what I'm going to tell him later too. He won't be interested though, he'll just start banging on about me trying to steal half the house when he has to divorce me Actually, maybe I won't bother!

I'm going to do some cleaning. It'll make me feel better if everywhere looks nice. Balls to him, I'm not doing it for him, I'm doing it for me!

Thanks everyone, I'll stop hijacking the thread for my marital woes now! Back to pant snot and boob groping! (although I will update you on the situ - if I don't reappear you know that he did it, I'm under the patio and this is the proof!)

Tink sorry you are having dh problems. He does sound like he behaves way younger than he is.

My dh and I have been together 12 years and lived together 7. Never had a joint account until this year and thats a savings account with just my money in it.

We split all joint cost as a fraction of income, so when I am earning more I pay more. when I couldn't work for 6 months he paid it all and gave me a fraction of his residual cash after bills. Your Dh prob wouldn't go for the latter but maybe propose a fairer split of the bills without a joint account and he might go for it.

Doing it without a joint account is a littlemorework and you need to keep track of joint spending more.

Tink! I feel so bad for you that you've had such a shit weekend.

Your DH really needs to know that you cannot be earning the big bucks (if he is pushing for you to get back into the ratrace) AND be the chief house cleaner/tidier/dinner maker. It doesn't work like that. He's also got to recognise that he supported this move for you into a lower paid/different job. Remind him.

As for the money issue - DH earns exactly double my salary at the moment too. Been together nearly 10 years and have never had a joint account! We very recently opened a joint account for the mortgage and a joint names savings account.

We both pay equal proportions of our salaries into the mortgage account and DH pays a few more bills. This is the easiest way of sorting our money at the moment - we're both spendthrifts, our house needs a lot of work and our mortgage payments are very high...neither of us have much overdraft left cash left at the end of the month so a bit pointless to join up right now. There's also the issue that I would abuse the joint account (with nice things for the house that DH isn't bothered about)

Have you suggested that equal proportions of salaries might be a fairer way of doing things? Try it. Even if you're still a bit skint at the end of the month, you won't feel resentment because it's far fairer.

As for him talking about divorce - you'll have to assume he has a dark sense of humour. Either that, or spit in his dinner when you're making it.

I'm fuming that he spoke to you like that and fuming that the best three days of the week have been ruined for you.

Is he back yet? I hope he says sorry. Are either of you sulkers?

Sock your hols sound amazing - especially the secluded beaches and salsa attempts! What was the weather like?

I'm finding it hard to get worried/too anxious about the 12 ww. After last time, I'm just trying not to engage too much until I have the first scan. Glad I tested early as I would have gone a bit wild on booze the last couple of weekends so at least this time I cant try to blame myself if something goes wrong.

tink the other viroids have already summed things up, and I do think you already know, but please know you are worth more than what he is making out. What has happened (on his side) to turn into a complete fucktard lately? What has changed so that he has changed from the DH you used to love? (Rhetorical questions). Nothing is your fault. Nothing. He needs to sort himself out, or feel the wrath of the viroids!

As for money, we have our own bank accounts where our salaries get paid. We also have a joint account where we both pay the same amount in to (we earn roughly the same, him a little more) where all of our joint bills go out from. Mortgage, electricity, sky, food shopping, etc. The money left in our own accounts is for us, including our own bills like mobile phone bills. We overpay into the joint account so bills are covered plus the funds are building up each month, so for example when we needed a new boiler the joint account had enough in it to cover it. We also buy family Christmas and birthday presents (not for each other) from it. We both have full access to it. When I wasn't working he paid my share of things, and should the need ever arise I would pay for him (though unlikely seeing as he has more savings). It works for us, but earning roughly the same means we are paying roughly the same percentage...

I don't really know what advice to give tink other than if he's being a total arse and you need to get away we have a spare room! What would he say if it was one of his sisters and it was her husband??

sock your adventures in Brazil sound really exciting! Glad you had a great time.

feathered try to keep calm. And remind yourself you are right. Nothing is your fault, and try to keep the positive mental attitude. today you are pregnant.

I have my appointment on Friday.. eek. I am going to get told off that I haven't lost enough weight.. but on the other hand, starting sw appears to be keeping me on track (mostly anyway). I stepped on the scales this evening and they say 6.25lbs less than the scales at slimming world the other night. I'm convinced my scales are wrong.. but the number must go down on their scales on weighing day on Wednesday right?!?

Tink sorry to hear you are having a tough time I was married for 18 years to a guy who wanted everything his way and was controlling it took some good friends and a big dolp of realisation before I could see it for what it was I was really miserable although I kept telling myself that he wasn't all bad and had lots of redeeming features he was horrible to our children I should of left him a long time before I did I'm ashamed to admit that I should have been stronger for my children as they weren't happy either I'm now with a new partner who treats me like a princess and the kids as if they were his own I'm now very happy and can see clearly how bad things really where I think talking things over with a counsellor even on your own will clarify the situation for you
justme woohoo congrats on bfp!

tink I'm a bit late to the party but here's my tuppence worth!
You have mentioned dh, no h, a few times to us now. You can't keep on like this. It concerns me that he is threatening divorce and being totally honest with you if he truly is thinking he doesn't want to divorce you just because of the house I'm not sure there isis much you can do at this point. And is this really a scenario you want to bring a child into?
Fwiw I sit on the other side of the fence re money. When dh and I first got together he was a student and I owned my own flat. I paid all the bills and he contributed £10 a week to food. When he graduated and got a job he wasn't earning much less than me, maybe £4k pa less and we put 50/50 into a joint account to pay the bills from. When we bought our house together I took out a loan to pay the deposit (by then I was earning about £10k more than him as I qualified) so we bought the house in unequal shares (still unmarried at this point). Then his salary grew and we were pretty even again though he earned about £1k more than me. Then he went self employed and earned way more and I lost my job and earned nothing. By then we were married. It took me a lot of adjustment to see the money as our money. And I have to be honest and say I'm not sure I could have been as easy going and unresentful about the situation as my dh. What I want for the house, we get and he pays for!
My point is I get that if this is how his brain is set to deal with money then it will be hard to see another perspective. I was also going to suggest the proportionate contribution to cost but I think he'll say its not his fault you earn less than him (despite what went about with you changing jobs).
I think if you want to fix this then playing games isn't the way to do it. As you have discoveries its cutting off your nose to spite your face!
See a counsellor, tell him you are and why, and hopefully you guys can get talking. Sending a big hug.

Thank you everyone! I'm going to keep reading over what you've all said to make sure it all goes in. Thank you for the advice and kind words. I obviously need to instigate some changes, I just need to formulate a plan now. Will keep you all updated nothing changed last night. Except that he said he was sorry and that he'd taken if far too far. He couldn't seem to find any further words though, so I left him to it. I'll be fine

Back to shagging! (And jabbing!)

tink no man should make you feel that way. It's emotional blackmail. Big hugs to you.