Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Thanks chat

Is it really bad that I missed the start of the speeches? I now won't go back in as I would have to walk all the way across the room to get back to my seat..

Yep, all my work - with a little help from t'internet and the birthday girl ("I'll crack the eggs mummy, you can pick the shell out") :)

Congratulations Justme!
Gorgeous cake Chat, looks very professional.
Ain you could slip back in during the applause, nobody will notice then because the staff will probably use the opportunity to top up glasses and clear empties so there'll be plenty of movement. for you my dear.
Feathered sorry you didn't get to keep your fluffball but I'm glad she went to a good home in the end. I can't understand people who give away their dog, I'd sooner give away my house!

chat I love the close set eyes of the hedgehog cake. Perhaps the guy who said it is sexy has a thing for chocolate in the bedroom. It looks very chocolaty.

Congrats just me! Do you have any symptoms yet? What made you test?

ain I hope you've made it back into the wedding by now. It can be tough knowing how to interact with strangers at these types of events.

Feathered Roxy's definitely giving you puppy dog eyes in that photo. What a disappointment she couldn't stay with you.

ain I hope the wedding is ok and you've made it back to your seat

As I was walking back to my car after finishing my Parkrun today I heard part of a conversation between two men. One was talking about his wife and her due date for their twins and how excited they were.

I felt a bit sad thinking I would love twins and how amazing that would be, will I ever be a mother and have my own family etc etc but then I thought that WHEN I do get my family, how special that time will be knowing the rollar coaster that we've been on already - I'm trying to stay positive, it will happen and when it does it will mean so much more because and I hate this phrase of the journey we've been on

Even when it's people I know I can sometimes get anxious... I don't really know what triggers it.. We've kinda moved on to the evening stuff now so it's darker for one thing which helps a little..

That cake is fabulous chat you and your DD are fabulous bakers.

Amazing cake chat! Well done to you and your DD!

Hope the rest of your evening goes better ain. Anxiety is an awful thing

I'm watching It Was Alright in the 80s and I am gobsmacked about the things that were on and accepted then!

That cake looks delish chat!
Massive unmumsnetty hugs for you ain
black it's good that you're trying to stay positive but it's ok to feel pissed off and sad about it too

Well just caught up on the last 5 or so pages...

First of all - congrats on the BFP justme!!!

I see I missed a load of hugging going on - I am slightly cheesed off by this because I love hugs so ... Hugs to anyone that wants one, incl ain

yay! To the grads babies recently had or upcoming!!

lil in gunna be brutally honest, because I can disappearing off then reappearing I lose track of the stages you are doing - what is next on the horizon? (Ps from what I have read, ivf sounds confusing )

I literally have a memory like a siv - I can't remember anything else.

Thanks viroids! Sorry I've got a bit confused about who said what but for whoever asked about symtoms, I tested because I was on cd40 but am irregular anyway. I have got really sore boobs, tired and stuffy nose but I had put most of that down to other stuff.

Ain anxiety is awful I'm sorry you didn't have a good night. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Chat I thought your cake was fab. Sexy for a cake is also a new one on me

Ooh if you were on CD40 you will end up with a slightly early 12 week scan as they pretty much always go from lmp. Yey!

Oh, just wrote out a reply but lost it. I wanted to say thank you to all you lovely viroids for your support last night.

I hate anxiety. I don't actually get it that often or that badly (I don't have full on panic attacks - or at least I've only had a full on panic attack a couple of times in my life..) but it can still be hard to deal with sometimes. Last night wasn't as bad as it could have been, and I did even manage to have fun at some points in the day. Need to remember that when I'm at another wedding in a months time... DH is actually a groomsman at the next one so he will have to leave me for some points in the day.. dreading it already. Need to find a way to feel okay. Something to talk about with my counsellor when I see her tomorrow.. I think my difficulty with this wedding was I had forgotten about it, so I hadn't prepared myself for it.. maybe with some help I can mentally prepare myself for the next one... how rubbish of me that I have to prepare myself to go to things. I should just be grateful that people invite me to one of the most special days of their lives. I am grateful too... just find it hard.

In a nutshell I just wanted to say thank you. And I hope you don't all think badly of me. Posting on here did really help me last night.

Ain you shouldn't feel bad about finding days like that difficult. You've got a lot going on, don't be too hard on yourself. Anxiety is something that is difficult to manage whatever format it comes in.

One I think I know when I ovulated, I have had quite a few 34 day cycles. Would they go from cd1 and I'd be scanned earlier?

In most places, so you might get a scan a week or so earlier. I had mine when I thought I was 10+4 but that was just guess work, sonographer measured the baby as 11+2 at the time so was closer to 12 weeks than I thought. It's a good thing as waiting for your 12 week scan takes forever! So by your mws calculations you would be about 6 weeks upduffed now. (42 days since lmp, or 41?) Which = less time to worry. The joy of not testing early! (Are you listening here naughty early pissers?!) I would call your gp surgery to find out the procedure there as it is different everywhere as some mws do booking in appointment at 8 weeks (some later). Also, pop over to the grads and say hi

Thanks one! 41 days. I can already feel that the wait is going to drive me mad so a slightly earlier scan would be great. I'm going to ring my GP tomorrow and see what the procedure is here, 12 weeks doesn't sound that long but it's a long time to wait to know if everything is ok!! Will do, hoping not to jinx anything by coming over too early - silly I know.

justme huge congratulation you must be thrilled.

ain hope you're ok, sounds like you got through it alright. Hope your poor fingers are ok too, I pull out my eyebrows under stress so totally get that!

chat lovely cake, hope mini had a lovely birthday

Warning: usual weekend at case Tink issues below, please avoid reading if you're as bored of this as I am!

So, it's the weekend again. Dh and I are in the midst of another blazing row. Again. I wish I could video him and show him what a bully he becomes sometimes. He told me I'm lazy and need to get off my arse and pull my finger out, amongst many other things (this was on Friday evening). So I've decided to show him what lazy is. The house is filthy, the fridge is bare, he's having to cook for himself and I can't bring myself to speak to him. He's not apologised or asked to talk about it yet. I'm hiding out upstairs today. Yesterday I took myself to a shopping centre for a few hours but didn't buy anything because he's whinging about money. He earns double what I do and we both pay into a joint account each month, I pay half the mortgage and the bills and leave myself with very little for luxuries. I've never complained about this, or asked him for a penny. He's put our holiday on a credit card so we can pay it off equally, even though he's got loads of disposable income. Because I can't afford to pay it off at the same rate as him apparantly I need to get a better paid job. I do 90% of the cooking and housework, pay my way equally and work the same amount of hours but apparantly this is not good enough. He said he'd divorce me but wouldn't want to see me making money off the house because he paid for 75% (he's 10 yrs older) of it when we moved here and now I'd be entitled to half (I don't even like the bloody house, I just wanted somewhere small so I could be a sahp but he wouldn't consider it).
I think if I'd have been able to have a baby things would be so much different but I think deep down he sees me as a failure because that hasn't happened. He's picking fault with everything else that I do but I'd bet that's the real reason. He won't consider counselling either.
This constant battle every weekend is starting to wear me down viroids. I know he's being unreasonable. I know I don't deserve to be spoken to or treated like that. I just don't know what to do about it. If I just leave the housework and shopping his contempt will get worse, he won't lift a finger. If I do it I'll feel better but he wins. If I pay everything I have to him this month I'll have nothing again but he reads my bank statements so knows if I've done or bought something nice to cheer myself up. Gah! Not sure what to do. I keep just letting him win for the easy life but it's really starting to feel like I'm not an equal partner in this at all.
When we met I was mid twenties, skinny as hell, in a well paid exciting job and had confidence. Now I'm mid thirties, on a constant diet, in a low paid but much less stressful job and I'm hiding in my bedroom. Someone give me a fucking talking to please! I need to get a grip on this before it breaks down irreconcilably.

Oh Tink that sounds so horrible. You don't deserve to be made to feel like this - no-one does, and it's emphatically NOT your fault because you haven't had a baby. Babies are not sticking plasters for bad relationships or nasty husbands, as I'm sure you know.

I've been away for a couple of weeks - what have I missed? Brazil was fantastic, so many great experiences. Got bitten by bitey fucker insects a crapload in the last two days though, so am itching all over and praying I don't develop Dengue fever or something similarly awful. CD 30 here, but no idea if/when I iced so will wait a few more days before thinking about POAS.

tink lovely, that's not good. None of that sounds like a good way to live. Something needs to change.
All our money is joint, wouldn't occur to me that it isn't all ours. I earn more but I don't keep the extra for myself.
Why aren't you doing an exciting job now?
Laziness on his part isn't on, my dp is the same so we pay for a cleaner. It's worth it to stop all the bitterness I feel if I feel I'm doing it all.
Stop paper bank statements for one, none of his business if money isn't joint.
His attitude towards house sounds awful. Being totally honest he doesn't sound very nice. Does he drink at weekend?

Hope I'm not being judgey, you just sound so sad! Anything I can do let me know, I do a good line in sharp ball kicking!

Forgot to say - what have I missed?!

And yes, what sock said.

Ooh Brazil, very jealous! Did you travel around?

justme and feathered got bfps!

Thanks ladies. He's just come up to tell me he's off out for the afternoon. Ended up arguing. He's saying I shouldn't have tried to talk to him on Friday because he'd been drinking and I've only got myself to blame. I've told him not to expect stuff to be done around the house when he got back and he said good, nothing needs doing anyway.
We did have a cleaner but I got rid of her because come the weekend the house was the same mess as always so it didn't really make much difference to me. He paid for her, I was too conscious of that fact and was trying to save him money so he couldn't bring it up in an argument. In hindsight I should have left that arrangement as it was.
He does drink at the weekend, not more than his friends though. He never drinks in the week. I think the alcohol loosens his mouth so the things he normally just thinks he actually says.
He does have plenty of redeeming features. It's not all bad. He is becoming a complete cunt at the moment though. He really believes he's right. I keep trying to see things from his point of view. All I can see is that he wants me to keep house, cook and clean, match his earnings, love my job and be really ambitious, smile and be jolly all of the time, churn out babies and generally be superwoman. That I fall short on all counts is my failing apparantly, he doesn't see that it's ok not to be any of those things if I can't/don't want to. i know I'm in the right here, I just can't figure out how to get him to see that. He has a very critical nature, every time he sees someone he picks them apart afterwards, it's often quite entertaining, when you're on the receiving end not so much!

I'm not doing an exciting job now because the pressure was too much so I jacked it in. He was fully supportive. I tried a few different things after but he put a lot of pressure on me regarding cash. I used to earn a lot more than him. Now I earn half (although he has moved companies and been promoted so he now earns far more that I ever did). I took this job because he wanted me to. That's awful isn't it. I think I'm going to need to grow a pair. I would never have been like this when we first met. Maybe that's what he's missing. Maybe he's like this because I let him.

tink he sounds like a twat! you deserve better

Balls. Phone just deleted epic post. I had put this much more tactfully the first time Tink so please forgive the short hand version. Your DH is being controlling and unkind, there is no excuse for this. What will happen with finances when babies do arrive? Will DH contribute (they are not earning money either so do they get to share his?!). Even if DH won't go to counselling it may be worth you going to see someone by yourself to figure out what you want/need. and a hug.

Lol x post with Fluffy, and there I was worrying about being tactful! Ha, yes, what fluffy said!!