TTC after MC (#7) - fx for better times ahead

[CarrotVan]

Support, shoulders to cry on, virtual gin and the best cheer leaders MN can offer you. We've been there and it's awful but we'll help each other through to better times.

Hi.

Me again. Sorry I went a bit quiet. I posted at first and kept up then I ust felt the need to hide away.

af arrived at the weekend so I now feel like I can look to the future now and start ttc rather than being in limbo if that makes sense!

Sorry I have no idea on implantation bleeding so can't help there.

For everyone thata joined since I last posted ages ago sorry for your losses. I just needed that mental hide away time!

Welcome back penguin, hope the time away done you a world of good x

12dpo today, still not even a whisper of a line...brown spotting this morning now! Surely red to brown is a good sign as opposed to, brown to red?
Just wish I knew one way or the other, the suspense is killing me!
Again, sorry for the pic x

Sorry paws I have no idea. I haven't had implantation bleeding either time. However on my wtf cycle I did spot and bleed on and off randomly. I hope for you this is late implantation x

Thank you mummy...was the spotting you had brown in wtf cycle at all? Was red yesterday, now brown today...
Upon further reading, spotting brown before/after first AF post mc, is quite common, so given the fact I'm getting stark white bfn's day after day...im gonna say I'm out this month, feel so stupid to have gotten my hopes up xxx

I'm sorry paws the last to thing you need is a confusing wtf cycle.

Hope you're OK paws. I did get something similar the cycle I got pregnant but have also had it on cycles since and not been pregnant. Serious head fuck. Not what you need right now

Sorry paws I have both red and brown spotting. I will keep my fingers crossed for you anyway, some people don't get their BFPs until after 1 week late but I don't want to get your hopes up too much as I know how they can come crashing down very hard xxx

Thank you all for your kind replies...i understand I just have to be patient, its just crushing having two mc's in a row, you get your second bfp and tell yourself 'this is it' (as the statistics say it is) Then you lose a second baby, bam! Headfuck...been so depressed lately, after the glandular fever in hospital along with mc no.2, I can't even drag myself out of bed most days, just get up, test, stare so hard willing a line to appear (so hard I think I am imagining them)

Will this get better with time? How do I take my mind off everything, I have so much to be doing, nvq3 in health and social care, my photography, decorating etc...but just don't want to do anything. Life just seems in hold till I'm pregnant again, every day seems to last weeks, I'm always counting down the days to something and doing math in my head (which I'm sure all of you can relate to)

Sorry for the 'me' post...i just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment x

Ah paws I really feel for you and can't imagine how tough it is going through two in a row AND illness. I guess you can only take it one day at a time. Good for you for having interests but don't blame yourself if you can't face doing things. Maybe try to find things that are more of a treat to you at the moment rather than keeping busy. I've had acupuncture and it's been a godsend in terms of having someone to talk to who has treated a lot of woman with fertility issues. She said sometimes it's just a matter of getting outside, breathing in the air and trying to centre yourself. I'm not spiritual but I've gone from rushing around trying to occupy myself to taking it easier more generally and think it has helped.

I do still have bad days and can totally relate to how u feel about days turning to months. I was saying to my husband today that I hate even organising social things now as don't know how I'll feel and can't always cope with pretending everything is great when actually I'm mentally running through what cycle day I'm on, whether I need to dtd or have I got symptoms.

I guess I'm just trying to say be kind to yourself, take time to grieve, and heal xxxx

emu thank you for taking the time to write that, it does bring me some comfort knowing that it's normal to feel how I'm feeling....sorry to hear you have similar days, I guess we all do....its so hard to be able to function on those days isn't it? Thing is, I'm like that every day, and can't see myself feeling positive about life again unless I'm pregnant! We've got a 2 weeks holiday in Corfu coming up in September, dh really excited, all I can think about is that I should have been 15 weeks pg by then, and won't get to wear any of the maternity clothes I bought specifically for the holiday, not looking forward to it at all tbh....
I hope you have lots of support, and are managing to keep more positive than I am?
See if I tell dh how low I 'really' feel (although I'm sure he knows) he may say I'm not ready to try again yet, and that it's not a good idea, but any extra time added to not being pg is only going to drag me down further?! God knows how id feel if we lost a 3rd baby, I think that would be the straw that broke my back mentally....
With the glandular fever, my blood tests showed critical high levels of white blood cells as my body was trying to fight the infection (that was the week of mc no.2)
I often wonder if the mc wouldn't have happened if I hadn't fallen so ill? So perhaps my next pregnancy will be fine, and there is nothing medically stopping us from having dc's...this is the way I'm trying my best to see it anyways!

With regards to treating myself, I wouldn't know where to start tbh, I enjoy just being outside, and love the woods...perhaps just force myself to have more nice walks outdoors?

Do you have any dc's yet? How many mc's have you had if you don't mind me asking, what type of mc's? Xxx

Paws I totally know how you feel! However, don't let yourself dragged into this spiral! I had 2 mcs and the second was exactly 3 months after the first. What was stranger than that... both happen @ 9w3d. With the first it was harder as I have already seen the baby having heartbeat. Second was a blighted ovum. I had no symptoms of being pregnant apart from lack of af so this got me thinking and unfortunately I was right. Probably because I had already been through a mc and had no symptoms I didn't connect with my 3rd pregnancy. So when the dr said it is not alive I was not grieving. I was sad but not by far as sad as I had been with my 2dn pregnancy. I howled like a wounded wolf with that. Now that I write this i still cry.
My point is: if you are not pregnant yet enjoy your non pregnant days! At some point you will be and then you will probably be careful and not do some things that you are allowed to now. I went skating and had a good time with my family and it actually helped not thinking as much about it, not clinging to my sorrow.
Today I have been home hunting with my parents. I was planning to poas for opk. I got to do it @ 9pm. But it was a good day for me. I spent it with my family in town, laughing and hoping and making plans. I got my vitamins in the morning and I'm planning to dtd tomorrow (yesterday was, as as someone else here said, just flushing) so fingers crossed for a sticky little bean!
Hugs and don't give up!

paws sorry you're feeling so awful. Been having a few of those days myself and just trying to keep myself busy by seeing friends, spending time with my LO and eating chocolate! The chocolate really helps alongside a good chick flick! People who have never experienced a mc say you will forget with time...well it's been 3 years since my first mc and 2 weeks since my second and I still haven't forgotten...I think it's made it harder for me to connect with a pregnancy straight away...I wouldn't allow myself to bond with my LO until I was 20 weeks pregnant...convinced myself I would mc again.

Sorry for the rant...it's been one of those days. Anyway just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with how you are feeling. Hugs.

paws you are a few weeks post mc aren't you and suffering a pretty bad illness?? I don't think you can expect to feel anything but crappy. I don't have any children (apart from three crazy cats) and suffered a miscarriage at six weeks. I know now reading other peoples stories that it could have been at lot worse but it still knocked me for six and when I go to things like my niece and nephews parties, I can't help but feel sad - especially as my due date is coming up and I'd assumed I'd be pregnant again by then.

I think take it one day at a time - if you like being outside, I think that can really help to get away from it even if it's just for 10 mins or so. I know you're not looking forward to it so don't think too far ahead to your holiday. It's corny but the break will do you good. You need time to recover properly from glandular fever for one!!

If you still feel like you're in a fog and it's not getting better then don't be afraid to speak to the doctor. I saw mine about a month later when I got hit by a car when I was cycling. I thought I was fine about my mc but he asked me about it, I totally broke down and he was amazing so don't be afraid to speak to someone.

I think what you say re antibodies makes a lot of sense. You're obviously v ill and our bodies can only do so much so unfortunately your body probably just couldn't cope with sustaining a pregnancy right now.

I know you just want to be pregnant - I was exactly the same but if you can, focus on your health overall first. That's got the added bonus of helping you get/stay pregnant. You're doing good paws take it one day at a time! be kind to yourself and don't expect too much right now xxx

paws I hope you are feeling better today. It does sound like you really have been through it all and I can completely understand your desire to be pregnant again (as I know I just need this BFP). But take time to wallow and recover. Mentally and physically you have had a tough time of it and there is no shame in finding that difficult at all.

raluca I'm sorry if I've unearthed those feelings for you, I completely understand about not being able to be excited about/connect with a future pregnancy.
It's strange isn't it, we desperately need and want to be pregnant, yet when we are, we feel odd...nothing like being pregnant for the first time when all those feelings of excitement and joy are amazing. Mc sucks all the magic and naivety out it doesn't it.
That flushing comment made me laugh, true though...im guilty of doing that!
I'm glad you managed to enjoy some time out with family...im taking your advice and trying to remind myself that soon, I will have no time for myself, no sleep, so just enjoy it while it lasts! Xxx

reebok I second the chocolate therapy, doesn't do much for the waistline though lol....glad you're keeping busy. I don't think ill ever forget as such, no amount of time would make the pain of loss forgetful, but I believe time does make it more manageable and easier to accept xxx

emu I have 3 crazy cats too! One is a Siamese (my baby) and she alone keeps me on my toes! A loss is a loss, doesn't matter how many weeks you were, or how it happened, so please don't think you have suffered any less hun, you equally need to grieve too!
I have tried all this summer to be pg by due date of first miscarried pregnancy November 5th, and have a few more shots at it, but it creeps up so quietly and quickly doesn't it! Was at doctors today and had two babies being coo'd over by their mummys, burst into silence tears and had to hide my face (how embarrassing)
If I continue to feel like this after holiday I may very well go to see my doctor, only thing I she's on her maternity leave until October ironically! She's such a lovely lady, I went to see her when I first found out about my first pregnancy, she was 8 months then, and just about to go on her leave...will be hard to break it to her that in the time she's been away and had her baby girl I've lost two babies...
Sorry to hear you had a cycle accident, hope nothing too serious!
I'm eating very healthy using my nutriblast, best kitchen gadget I ever bought! Be kind to yourself too hun. Hugs xxx

penguin fc you get your bfp soon...fingers crossed for all of us!
Oh I wallowed today...as I mentioned to emu above
I do feel like I should be coping better, but its only been a few weeks since second mc so I spose I should cut myself some slack! Thank you for reminding me there's no shame given the circumstances, hugs your way too! Xxx

Thanks everyone, bleeding a little more brown today, tested again even though I know the answer as my temp dropped this morning, never had an evap line before, what an evil time to get an evap! Looks like a line, but more gray and shadowy....ah,...such is life xxx

Paws after the Feb mc my body was messed up. I ovulated late and af early, no much cm etc.
This month however I have a bit more of cm so I hope the hormones are back where they should be. I keep telling myself that all the crying is also due to hormones.
On the bright side I feel a lot more optimistic about the next pregnancy. I really believe that next time it will be ok.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time paws. Have you fully recovered from the glandular fever because that can also leave you very low for quite a while.

I have a faint but definite FRER line this morning at 10dpo. AF is due on Saturday. I'm not getting excited and feel a bit weird. Very minimal symptoms and I don't want to connect just in case.

My milestones are get to 5 wks (past when I had the CP), get to 7 weeks (past when I had the MC), reassurance scan, booking in, 12 wks scan.

Morning all. Hope you're all having a better day...especially you paws.
LO is at nursery today so will have a day to myself.
carrot very exciting news!! Congrats! Here's to a happy and healthy 9 months. Know what you mean about milestones...I was same with my LO after my first mc only my milestones didn't end until she started kicking...wouldn't connect with her until then and I had hypermesis so was sick as a dog! Fc for you.

Been feeling odd...not sure if I'm ovulating as not using opks or charting etc...been having mild period like cramps, discharge (sorry tmi), boobs ache, terrible pms and these strange bubbly feelings below. So could be AF on the way...no idea. I know I'm probably crazy as not had period since mc but we have decided to just see what happens. Fc for us all! We need some more BFPs!!!!

Hi, Haven't been on here for a while as some of you know I wasn't properly ttc after mc as I went back to pre pregnancy 'do we really want a baby' panic !!

My cycles have been completely bang on 42 days each time since erpc with a very clear week of cm so I can clearly see when ovulating etc.

I've worked out I should be ovulating during our holiday abroad which seems the perfect time to go for it but I'm so scared of change !!!!

Carrot congratulations!!

Adventure good luck ttc again.

And big hugs to everyone having a hard time, especially paws

Reading all these posts....I could have written them myself! I totally sympathise Paws - I just want to pregnant again too. Finding it really hard at the moment with so many friends getting pregnant - and have a wedding this weekend with a friend who is due when I'd have been due and another who'll be there with her newborn.

I know it's common and that MC doesn't mean my body is never going to carry a baby, but can't help but feel a sense of failure/embarrassment that I am the only one (out of my friends) that this has happened to.

Hi all, I hope it's ok to join. I've just had a missed miscarriage and had an ERPC yesterday after a long 4 weeks of needing scans, scans and more scans to finally confirm it. I'm desperate to try again straight away but wondered what kind of happens now, did it take long for people's cycles to return and can I try as soon as I feel up too it?

Welcome white and sorry for your loss. You need to wait until you get a clear negative test before trying again to make sure any pregnancy hormones you pick up later are from a new pregnancy. You might find the first cycle is longer or shorter or generally different so maybe use opks to see when you ovulate if you want to start again immediately.

Most of all rest and look after yourself - sounds like you've been through a lot

Thanks carrot for your reply, they told me to take a test in 2 weeks for a negative result of not to call them. If that is negative is it ok to try from them or should I wait for a first period? This is my first miscarriage and I feel like I wasn't told a lot about the future by the hospital, so may ask lots of stupid questions

Congratulations carrot !!! Xx

Welcome white, I agree with waiting for first negative as it will save you a hell of a lot of heartache hun...i went through mmc with 4 weeks of 7 scans so I know how you're feeling. Just take your time to grieve and be kind to yourself. Sorry for your loss x

feathered hi, I recognise you from the recurrent miscarriage support thread, I'm on there, but on here more as everyone knows me well now! Plus you ladies can chat for England, can't keep up lol! So many of you too!
With regards to feeling embarrassed and a failure I completely get that, so many people around me are pg atm, even my aunt's effin dog! The women who moved in above us in February was newly pg just as we found out that we were too! But they are the neighbours from hell! She's an awful woman, complete antisocial w***s tbh, they like stamping on the ceiling to annoy us, and keep us up till silly o'clock. Then we lost ours in April, my other neighbours saw her run down the stairs in the middle of the night clutching her stomach and crying, we assume she had lost hers too...(now not that I would wish mc on any woman or unborn baby, but thinking that I wouldn't have to hear her crying newborn 24/7 when we'd lost ours made me sigh with relief, I was dreading it)
Anyway saw her yesterday and she's the size of a house now, definitely pg...since she's moved in we've lost two babies, and finding out I'm soon to be hearing hers has got me really depressed. Its a race against the clock now to be pg again before she has hers, well...that's how I feel anyway! How many mcs have you had if you don't mind me asking? X

Thank you all for asking after me and all the warm wishes, horrible horrid wtf cycle had me convinced I was pg yet again!
Full on AF today with some kick ass cramps and clots...

Started using fertility friend now, even though I already know when I ovulate, and pretty much keep my previous temps in my head, but it makes me feel like I'm 'doing' something!

Hope everyone is keeping ok, hugs and baby dust to all! Xx