Viroids get your Miroid to stick his manjo in your fanjo and the jizz-bombs will go off! They're famous for their super support (and butter fannys), there will be BFPS...it's JSing 44!!

[Hobbit19]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

The link to Part 42 is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2349170-Our-new-greeting-cards-are-here-Were-making-vaginal-butter-and-baking-in-a-sneaky-shag-from-behind-Our-skittletits-cant-hold-us-back-its-JSing-43?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2356300-The-nice-weather-is-making-us-crave-burning-meat-on-an-outdoor-fire-maternity-leave-is-causing-headache-and-we-are-all-soldiering-on-as-the-heat-is-getting-to-us-here-is-JS-26?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2323427-Just-Mumming-Along-Viroids-4?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="//www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found [www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies? HERE]]

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

for thinking you have pcos jelly!

Mae I've scoffed 11packets of parma violets. you're not alone!

Thanks for the love. I'm not beside myself like last week, though am feeling very meh. No baby in 2015 now. Fuck. I haven't even been able to wallow as have been babysitting my 2 year old nephew, he's gone now though so it's tea and now. Hmph.

So now onto the next cycle at least. Which is leading me into a January date...I've had to leave a TTC group from a previous forum since there are so many people not trying just incase of a December/January due date cos that's so important .

I'm on day 1, so at least that's a start. Last two cycles have been 28 and 31 days. I'm going to download a new app. Am contemplating OPKs, anyone any recommendations and do people advise in my situation? I've just read SMEP which sounded good but the baby dancing made my eyes hurt. I'm going to order some special lube and some treats, toys and that. I'm a year or so over due on my smear (v anxious about them) and while I had planned to go, their link to success is a good motivation.

sky I thought I was imagining that smell but I always smell bleachy after...

I made the Nigella Domestic Goddess brownies. You know that ones with 1.5 lbs each of butter and dark chocolate? Yeah so they came out of the oven at lunchtime yesterday and we have like 4 servings left... We did send a big chunk each to xh and DPs xgf but still... That's like a weeks worth of calories in one day!

sky why are you sending baked goods to your exes? that seems like an odd thing to do with goddess brownies you could've eaten yourself!

Stoat personally we were going to start trying in March, but realised that it would basically be a Christmas baby, so delayed till April.
But to clarify, it wasn't because it would be inconvenient for ME, but because for the rest of its life the kid's birthday would be overshadowed by Christmas every single year.

I'm not going to deny the fact that 'convenience' plays some part in it - if we were travelling to see family over Christmas and the baby decided to come then, we wouldn't be at our local hospital and the "birth plan" would be thoroughly out the window! (not that you always get the birth you want anyway!)
But obvs we wouldn't love it any less for being born at an "inconvenient" time. It was mostly the thought of the poor kid only getting 1 present (cheapskate friends/rellies combining bday & Xmas) and a long wait the rest of the year for their special day, and when it does get to their special day, people are more focussed on Christmas.

So our reasoning was more thinking about the child, rather than us.

We are at the very start of our TTC journey, so if we're still here by next March, we'll just want a baby that we won't mind as much about the time of year that it comes.

Obviously whenever it comes I will love it to bits!

stoat I was having cycles anywhere between 30-45 days long which made me get a clearblue fertility gizmo, but tbh I think I actually fried its brain as my cycles were so peculiar. (Was post coming off the pill and thought it had broken me Somewhat). In my case I just ovulate later in the cycle, so I worked my viable time out by subtracting 16 off my first day of AF and attempting to wildly shag around that time the following month. I was CD 28 when I iced the month I got upduffed!!
Don't know if it's helpful, but what I'm saying is that upduffing in long cycles = totally doable. You just shag later, or all the time, whatever's best!

Parma violets = soap powder, no?

Any fertility-boosting foods?
I hear avocado is meant to be good?
I guess things that naturally have a lot of Folic Acid and Vitamin Bs would be good.
Anyone swear by particular foods?

Hi sock! mad waving from the garden

Ladies it's my first day of unemployment and I'm enjoying it so much. Iv gone from 60 hours a week to nothing. Do you think it's naughty not to look for work?

mae my fanjo is a little madam as well, it's probably just the jizzbombs. Mine changes with that too, I wouldn't worry unless the snot turns a funny colour.

I think I ovulate today, my period tracker seems to think I do, still don't really know my cycle that well...

Also what the hell is baby dancing??!

why are you unemployed pickle? did you resign?

stoat i understand you on the "time of year" thing. I know someone who said the same and I wanted to punch them when they said it. I understand from your perspective mae in that you hadn't started TTC yet, but for us we couldn't give a rats arse when it happens, just so long as it does bloody happen!!!!!!! Even to the point where I should be stopping TTC soon because otherwise I will be huge for my wedding, but we have both agreed that we want a baby more than we want me to look good for our wedding.

lil I know it's stupid but it does play on my mind. I have a lot of the symptoms (the weight thing, the excess hair, the spots). Not enough for me to get tested but I do wonder if it's something I have and is affecting me. As I say, I don't know if you can ovulate regularly whilst having it, because if not then I don't think I do have it because I do ice regularly (and am just a hairy, spotty fat bastard...why does DP love me again).

Aww, thanks for the welcoming!

fallen don't worry about it - I was secretly hoping that I would be able to use pregnancy as an excuse not to go skiing in March, but by the time that had come and gone I was on about day 50 and just thought "fuck it, it's not happening this time, let's just wait until AF decides to grace me with an appearance and start again." Will keep you all posted on how things go at the docs.

Sky if you have any more brownies going spare, sling them this way!

Oh pickle baby dancing is what we folk call shagging. Clearly baby dancing is more preferable to the sensitive souls than a good old shag. Just like baby dust. I hate that phrase so much. Fucking baby dust. BABY DUST????? (I'm shouting hence the caps).

stoat i recommend concieve plus for lube, and the internet cheapie OPK's. And the little pocket rocket for a buzzy friend no contraband at all

I think honey is the current resident buzzy friend queen. I have 2.

Hi Sock Welcome to the madhouse! Long cycles sound sucky. I have 27 days, bang on. Which sucks as I have endometriosis so my periods are horrendous. So, every cloud has a shit lining!

Pickle I was unemployed from April - June last year and it was fabulous. Absolutely what I needed, fantastic!

Buzzy friend queen?! What a slur on my pristine white character! I have 3 including a mains powered "back massager" which is amazing

Sky post/link the recipe? Her triple chocolate loaf cake is amazing too.

Eek mae we are going to have to agree to disagree - I have a Boxing Day nephew and it has made Christmas very special, he was much longed for and my sister has had strangers comment that she didn't plan him very well and how cruel it is but she admits if at the start of her 2.5 years TTC she probably wouldn't have chosen that date but now that's how it is, none of us would have it any other way, and by that point she was beyond caring. So I'm a bit sensitive about it and on that other very small forum have basically no TTC buddies as they are writing off December AND January- unlike here - and have made me out to be cruel for contemplating it. I'm actually gutted I'm not pregnant this month for that very reason, would have been lovely for my nephew! But we are all different and we are very lucky that we're happy to end Christmas on Christmas Day and Boxing Day is the start of new celebrations. I spoil him all year round, especially because his birthday gets me out of Christmas with my in laws! Good luck with TTC. What folic are you taking by the way? Some apparently are sods for lengthening cycles...

pickle baby dancing is Nethuns parlance for shagging

teejay I guess 31 doesn't constitute long! Just I was on 28 before and maybe I'll go back to them but might be worth knowing. I'm gonna end up with a monitor, I just know it...thanks for your insights

Cross post jelly - amazon order on the go now...

honey I have a mains, ahem, wand as well. The lack of batteries is very liberating!

100% agree with tee...parma violets (that's a sick face not a jealous one)

Well I had a job interview which I didn't get then my supervisor cancelled my 0 hours contract at no notice so here I am. honey I should make the most of it, I don't really know what I want to do, maybe career change as Iv not been overly happy.

Oh baby dancing, that's a bit gross. Shaggin will do. I thought it was some sort of competition where you put babies infront of judges!

DH is on board with May's shagathon. He's a good miroid...

I've just been looking at wands! They aren't cheap. Basically, do I want a wand or a clear blue monitor?!

Mine is purple Tee and has a ridiculous number of functions. We only use one, but the intensity/speed button is quite fun to mess with. Agree that no batteries = amazing.

Oi! I love parma violets. I'll have any you don't want.

My sense of taste is coming back! Woo! The world is a miserable place without flavour.

Stoat look here

Name: totally
Age:30
DCs: dd nearly 2, conceived on an early version of this thread. And a dappy cuddly cat
TTC since February 2015

I'm on 10dpo today, last month I only had an 8 day lp so I'm quite pleased is stretched out a bit. I caved and tested this morning, bfn but I know it's too early. I'm not testing again until Friday. Anyone else testing then?

Welcome fallen and sock

Awithe doing house porn? I quite like some of that house gouda but is a bit modern for me. I like houses hairy. Like this www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-49525441.html?utm_source=trovit&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=trovit[resale]&utm_content=trovit[CT] the only problem is the layout but is totally be willing to put up with a dodgy layout for the beams and thatch!

honey looks like I only need to share the parma violets with you so more for us! yay!

Mae when we started ttc I was dead against a Christmas baby for the sane reasons as you. I also didn't dancy the idea of babies born later in school year, or on 29th February. now I couldn't give a rats arse if it was born on the 31st April (not a typo) on Jupiter and cane out red with yellow spots!

stoat I can't believe you got that response. link thread and let me at em!

pickle I had a few months off between losing my job and starting my business. it was bliss! look but don't look too hard just yet!

jelly I think its unlikely to have pcos if you ov regularly. I think you can have regular cycles and pcos but regular cycles can still be annovulatory. again we need tink!

who asked about food? Mae? high protein low carb. 25% protein has been shown to increase pregnancy rates in a study of ivf patients. avocados are good because they contain efa's (one of the Omega's I think). you should try and eat 2portions of oily fish per week to balance the omega 3 and 6 in your diet. we get too much of one (3?) and not enough of the other. also try and reduce the amount of oil you use in cooking as heating it does something to it that is bad for reproduction. I realise these are a lot of half answers but if u want more details I can dig my kindle out and check my Zita west book for the info.