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Original poster

Having a second baby whilst on benefits?

79 replies

FlowersOnTheWindowSeal · 27/09/2014 18:33

No judgement please.

I have one PFB DD aged 4 and desperately want another baby I had a ectopic 7 months ago and all though that baby wasn't planned and my DP left me I wanted it so much, I was happy and content with it. I'm back with my DP now and he's promised to never leave again but doesn't want children for years yet, but I just can't stop thinking about the baby that was suppose to be here and the fact that I want another one SO badly!

I'm ashamed to admit it but I stopped taking my pill which he doesn't know about in hoping I'd fall pregnant, even though he may leave and I'm still in IS from my DD as I fell pregnant at 17.

I don't know what to do i want this so badly :( but I'm scared of getting judged for having DC #2 whilst on IS and with a different father for the baby

OP posts:
MehsMum · 27/09/2014 18:57

Rainbow has said what a LOT of people will be thinking, me included. I'm all in favour of the welfare state, but I'm also all in favour of people taking responsibility for their lives.

OP, don't lie to your DP. How will he feel when he finds out? I think you need to mature a little before you have another child, if you think deceiving someone like this is acceptable.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 27/09/2014 18:58

I would wait until your DP is ready, it's the right thing to do I think.
I was a very young mum and waited until DS1 was 9 and I got myself settled and finished my degree before having another baby. My DC have always got on I don't think age gaps matter. I don't think there is any rush but I do understand your longing for another baby.
I wouldn't judge about being on benefits. I think around 90% of families with DC claim some sort of benefit.

CatKisser · 27/09/2014 18:58

Do what you like - you're not going to listen to advice anyway, are you? FWIW, I think you're vile for stopping contraception without telling your "partner."
And of course, you'll cope financially.

MehsMum · 27/09/2014 18:58

Gemerama, if the thread IS a wind-up, it's probably UKIP scouting the territory...

Original poster
FlowersOnTheWindowSeal · 27/09/2014 18:59

He left over half a year ago. My DP has always maintained the fact that he wants to be the breadwinner whilst I stay at home and look after my now DD and any future DC like a traditional family.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 27/09/2014 19:00

Mehs Grin

thewrongmans · 27/09/2014 19:00

you sound immature, selfish and deceitful. What's not to judge?

Original poster
FlowersOnTheWindowSeal · 27/09/2014 19:03

I am already at college working to get my childcare degree. Figster the bit that gets me is that I SHOULD of have my child in my arms in the months to come, I shouldn't of lost that baby for no reason, My DD was so excited to have a sibling and she was so when she found out I had lost it

OP posts:
Gemerama82 · 27/09/2014 19:04

And that's fine. I would love to be a housewife myself, but we can't afford it. That's not the issue though is it? He doesn't want children at the moment.

6 months is nothing.

leanne963 · 27/09/2014 19:05

You are 21 and really have no dreams or aspirations!? You can literally do or become whatever you want! If YOU want to be a stay at home mum then fine, but don't do it just because you partner tells you to stay home, you will resent him one day!

Only1scoop · 27/09/2014 19:05

'Childcare degree'

Blimey

Lucy61 · 27/09/2014 19:05

You say your child is 4, which means she'll start school soon. Why don't you use the time to start a career or train and give yourself time wether you do want a child with dp. He might want one by then, or you might meet someone who does. Yourself and your children deserve to have a stable family. Don't rush.

leanne963 · 27/09/2014 19:06

Ok just noticed your at college!

Original poster
FlowersOnTheWindowSeal · 27/09/2014 19:07

7 months is everything when I lost a child.

As I said Im at college, but when I'm not I LOVE taking care of my DD, being at home with her baking, doing puzzles watching films etc

OP posts:
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 27/09/2014 19:09

I'm sorry OP I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think a woman trapping a man into fatherhood is fundamentally morally wrong. He doesn't want to be a father and has communicated this to you very clearly. Don't trap him for no other reason than any future child you have deserves to have a loving involved father.

Listen to the other posters who point out you are still very young, maybe focus on getting off benefits ( for yourself and your existing child not because it's a terrible thing to be on benefits but it's not a full and productive life).

In time if you feel confident and good about yourself you will meet someone who actually deserves to be the father to your next child.

Gemerama82 · 27/09/2014 19:09

7 months is nothing in terms of being sure you can trust him and he won't abandon you, your daughter and the baby you want. He walked out on you when you were pregnant. What kind of a man does that? Wouldn't be the sort of man I would want as a husband or father of my children.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/09/2014 19:15

I think you should have counselling to cope with the loss of the baby not have another right now to take that pain away.

Coming off your pill without telling dp is not how to conceive a baby. He may not react how you wish on discovering you're pregnant. It could create resentment or cause your relationship to break down completely with him wanting you to have an abortion. Don't do this.

DiaDuit · 27/09/2014 19:17

OP how dare you decide when someone else becomes a parent! You do not get to make that decision for anyone but yourself! Your partner is the only person who decides if he becomes a father and you are deceiving him by letting him think he is having sex with a woman who is taking contraception. You have to be honest with him and give him the chance to use condoms or refrain from having sex with you. How the hell would you feel if you didnt want a baby and he took the condom off without telling you, making you pregnant? Play fair- you are an adult. Act like one.

Viviennemary · 27/09/2014 19:17

I agree that you sound extremely immature. Your partner has said he doesn't want another child for years. He is being sensible. Don't ask for opinions if you only want one answer.

Fairylea · 27/09/2014 19:18

I agree that you need counselling.

gamerchick · 27/09/2014 19:18

Please don't ooops your bloke...its selfish and immature. It's your right to stop contraception if you want but you MUST tell him so he can make am informed choice.

You have plenty of time to have more kids.

Original poster
FlowersOnTheWindowSeal · 27/09/2014 19:21

He doesn't wear condoms, he doesn't take any contraception what so ever as he say's contraception is a woman's job to take care off.

I love my DP and he loves me so I'm not going to go out and seek someone else. You may not want to marry my man or for him to father your children but it doesn't mean that I don't want him to be my husband or father mine

OP posts:
leanne963 · 27/09/2014 19:23

'A woman's job' what a fine specimen you have there...... Hmm

specialsubject · 27/09/2014 19:23

not bothered about benefits.

am very bothered that you are lying to your partner and trying to conceive a child that one parent doesn't want. He thinks contraception is being used. He'll probably run if you get pregnant, as who wants to live with a liar?

tell him now or go back on the pill.

Fairylea · 27/09/2014 19:23

He sounds like a right catch. ... Hmm

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