Unwanted comment

[hormonalandneedingcheese]

Currently ttc, only about 6 months now going full on but does anyone else ever get the feeling like the world and his wife can comment on it? On whether it's happening?

Most people don't know I'm ttc but DH and I have been married a year now and since then it's been constant 'are you?' from people in very random and different ways. I am fine with it from family and friends but randoms, acquaintances and work colleagues I'm not so impressed with.

I keep finding myself making excuses, saying how I've got so much work on at the moment etc. Then I get many a months grace before it starts again.

What really upsets me is the other comment I got from a family member who doesn't know I'm ttc from me telling them but guessed. I was given helpful reasons why I may not have conceived- DH and I aren't using contraception but we aren't using ovulation sticks or anything so it's not like we're going all out.

The comment was 'it's probably you drink too much, you won't get pregnant.'

It really upset me and I'm not sure why this particular one did considering I've had all sorts from 'positions' to lube (actually was helpful) to food intake. I don't drink much. I always had maybe 3-4 glasses of wine a week and now it's 1 and sometimes none at all! Which this person knows (hence the 'guessing).

I've been hoping for a BFP for the last year tbh despite only switching lube to a more friendly one 6 months ago and it hurt to hear that. I can't seem to fathom why though.

So I ask if anyone else had 'advice' or unwanted or intrusive comments when ttc? I was hoping to commiserate with people who get unwanted advice and unwanted questioning.

I guess i feel guilty for even having a glass of wine which is why the comment has rubbed me the wrong way, but I can't live my life not drinking, eating seafood or the 100 other things that's not advised during pregnancy- especially is it never happens!

I know how you feel, I have kept the fact my husband and I are ttc secret even from my closest family member for now as I don't want to jinx things! Literally using this forum to chat about ttc coz my husband is very much like "if it happens it happens".

We have also been married a year and every family party we have been to that I have opted to drive to - for genuine reasons (I was working, I had a 10km race in the morning) every one feels the need to ask "are you pregnant" it gets so annoying. We have been ttc for about 6 months and nothing has happened and I try to shrug it off but in all honesty it is so hard to hide the disappointment that I am not. And then I begin to think " is there something wrong because I am not". Nothing stranger than folk - I just think you don't know what's going on in other folks lives so butt out none of your business. Very annoying.

I know how u feel. Have your wine, I am still planning on having mine. Xx

I really understand and sympathise.

When we started to TTC our family knew and I decided to be really good for the first 6 months (until like you said I decided I needed to live for me). We would go out for a meal and my (then) pregnant SIL would order things without parmensan and seafood, no alcohol - and I would order the same. And I would get strange looks and comments. 'Why aren't you drinking? [SIL] isn't because she's pregnant.' so in the end it was just easier to act normal, I had the opposite experience really - trying to be good isn't always the best either.

I've been told "it'll happen when it happens" so many times I want to scream. As a logical person who studies literature I have quite a keen sense of stupid meaningless and incorrect words, (my other least favourite is 'its always in the last place you look' - of course it bloody is you wouldn't carry on looking after would you?) so if course it'll happen when it bloody happens that's what happen means!

Also after 12 months it seems hollow. I've had a few people saying 'oh it took my sister a long time but it was so worth it in the end' and 'theres no one in an office who decides who deserves one, don't get down, its chance' which is far more useful. You can tell the difference between those who got pregnant just by winking at their OH compared to the ones who have shared something of the disappointment.

Hope you don't mind me intruding on this thread but can I just say (in a lighted hearted way) that once you are pregnant every body will comment & know more about your pregnancy than you including the sex of the baby. To be honest I found it a bit annoying especially everybody telling me the sex of my baby, but it was quite funny that I had a girl when the majority of people told me I was having a boy - they could tell that by the shape of my bump!!

I'm currently TTC #2 on 19th cycle. Fortunately I don't often get asked if we're having anymore.

Good luck ladies & try to ignore the comments it's nobody else's business!

Hi ladies, I could leave this thread without making a comment. I am 100% with u. We have been trying since may no luck yet, but will up the anti this month.

However I am 32 and do 34 and we constantly get - when r u going to have a baby comment from friends and family. I guess it's normal we have been together nearly 9 yrs.

Whilst this hurts it's the comment from people saying how easy it is to fall pregnant that get me. It's not that bloody easy for everyone I want to shout - on paper I should have fallen on go 1 - I don't smoke, never have, I don't take drugs, I eat healthy but not silly healthy, I am fit - go to the gym 5 days a week, have for yrs am a healthy weight. I only drink 4 glasses of wine max a week. Oh the same. Yet it hasn't happened yet and I try not to worry but being told how easy it is doesn't help!!

Overall I just wish people would keep their views and opinions to themselves it's non if their business!!

Bobsy The amount of people who know I'm TTC who tell me about what childbirth is like... I GET IT. IT HURTS! They often aim their stories at me, as if I should be shocked. I got fed up a few weeks ago and actually said to someone "you know what, I've actually heard that it hurts before." and they changed the subject.

I know everyone wants to tell the story of how they had their children and I know everyone is different and I do like to hear them, but in these cases it's when people go on and on about the pain specifically and direct their comments at me that wind me up. It feels like they're trying to shock or impress me. I'd rather enjoy the process.

I didn't want to tell anyone who hasn't already had children what I went through & if someone did ask I'd say I had particularly bad time but not everybody has the problems I had.

I was at a wedding when I was 8 months pregnant & had two women (who didn't know each other) at either side of me telling me about their experience they were each trying to have their say over the other! In the end one of them walked off & the other one said 'don't listen to a word she's said' I didn't want to listen to either of them!

I would also not make comments on a anyone's pregnancy or tell them the sex of their baby!

The older you get the worse it gets! :)

Once you're over 35 family, friends, work acquaintances, everyone thinks (they don't think that's the problem) they need to warn you about the perils of leaving it too late. And when you want to escape so grab a magazine and hideaway in the garden or bath for an hour there'll be an article in there telling you how fertility declines! Aaaaaargh!

It's a tough one, my Dp and I mock when people tell us we're missing out and change the subject on to holidays, the kind of holidays you have as a child free couple, you'd be amazed how quickly their faces drop coz most parents would love a child free holiday. People now think we're so anti kids they don't bother so much with us.

Lady B, keep remembering that if it was that bad they'd be a lot of only child families around. Yes it nips but the next day you literally want another one NOW! Some people like to overshare as they think they're the only women ever to have a baby.

As for the question, I'm ancient, youngest is 12 and me and OH are trying for our first (which I don't expect will happen as my eggs are probably scrambled). The only other person to know is his mam who is lovely but keeps asking 'if anythings happened yet...' Er no.

This is in active convos, so although I'm not in your situation, I have been in the situation where I had to deflect enquiries for personal information it felt painful to disclose, many many times in fact.

I had a baby despite not being married and people asked me with a straight face, as though it was their right to know "was it planned?". The first time, I mumbled something in my defence, as though I had to justify the decision. The second time I paused for a second, looked at them as though I was slightly embarrassed for them, and said I think I must have misheard! for a second there I thought you were asking me if my pregnancy was planned, imagine, ha ha

I had to apply the same technique for various other questions "are you getting married?". Are you going to leave him. How are you coping [head tilt] Badly? Are the children distraught? Does their father ever see them, no, huh? oh. he does! I don't suppose their father contributes? Have you met somebody yet? Do you do internet dating? Now I don't care at all though. People can ask away. They might or might not get an answer that satisfies their curiosity.

It goes on and on for the rest of your life so find a way to deal with it!

DH and I got married young (I was 19 at the time), which brought its own special set of comments. The week after the wedding I starting getting asked when I would be getting pregnant! People soon stopped asking when I started responding with a very blunt "when we decide to thanks!"

The worst one was his SIL, but I am always happy to out her in her place as she has an opinion on absolutely everything that is nothing to do with her.

Thank you ladies, just seeing I'm not alone in feeling this way makes me feel a lot better. I'm feeling a bit on edge at the moment about it all but I'll come back later and respond to each of you. I'm due at a friend's birthday party so I'm just psyching myself up for any unwanted comments - which I'm sure there will be given some of the people going.

I never told anyone, let alone family - they are the worst. I am confused though why can't you eat seafood? I also don't entirely believe the alcohol stopping conception stuff. A lot of it is finding some way of blaming people when it doesn't happen. It's actually more important the bloke doesn't drink!

It's even worse being asked when you have recently miscarried - I was with friends this week and was moaning about my job, how much I was working and how I would love to quit - I got the 'well if you got pregnant you could have a few months off'!

Well - I was but it didn't work out... Obviously saying that in my head - if I told them the truth I'm sure they would feel totally awkward!

If mc has taught me anything it's the fact that I will never ever ask anyone when they will have a baby!

Foxtrot I've had that comment before - everyone knows that me and my OH only bought our house last year (first purchase but we were living together for 2 years beforehand, renting).

It's terrible though if you even start thinking about how you'd look forward to not having to go to work almost as much as the having a baby part.

Another thing I worry about on that note is that I would have to tell work immediately due to environment I work in. A colleague had a mc at work (I think she was maybe 10 weeks), we all knew so we all knew why she was off sick. I think I was the only person who didn't ask her so how are you doing in a special voice the first time I saw her. I just got on with it, and I think she might have appreciated it as we're now friends.

lady I had two weeks off when I mc. I told my line manager but that was all. I didn't want to answer awkward questions when I came back. People asked me if I was better and I just told yes I was thanks and it ended there.

Have no idea why they think I was off and happy to leave it like that. Main reason for not telling anyone as I don't want people to know I'm ttc and asking for constant updates or making comments/ speculating if I don't have a drink etc

I believe the quickest way to shut down comments like that from your colleagues, is a meaningful:

"I don't really see how that's any of your goddamn business".

Some people are honestly just looking fora conversation starter, and don't realise how hurtful it is. Hell, I used to do it myself when I was younger. You just need to make it clear that the state of your uterus is not open for general conversation.

Blimey! I'm of opinion that if people didn't drink there would be a lot fewer pregnancies!!

But seriously, I sympathise OP, people feel they have the right to give unsolicited advice if a woman is pregnant / isn't pregnant, putting on weight / losing weight. It's incredibly annoying.

I hear you all, we didn't tell anyone we were ttc & I have only told 2 friends about my mmc at 12 weeks, one of whom I work with and she had to cover for me when the bleeding started with a vengeance.

My mum is the worst and I want to talk to her about it all but feel it's just too much pressure. And she always bangs on about how she conceived my bro and I just by wafting past my dad and how my SIL also got pregnant on her first goes twice and my gorgeous healthy nephews are the end result.

It makes me feel like a failure

My mum constantly pesters me "when are you going to give me another gc"? saying things like "I am sick of people asking me why I only have 2 gc" etc.

One of my DH's colleagues wife is pregnant and he just announced it a couple of days ago so everyone started berating my poor DH about when we were going to have kids. He was so upset when he came home and said last night that he hated having to listen to the guy bang on about how expensive baby stuff is.

When I was pregnant he loved to go round the baby shops and look at prams and look up safety features on the net. It breaks your heart all over again. Totally agree foxtrot folk just don't think about the comments they make.

Even one of my single friends asked me when we were going to "start your family" to which I replied Oh maybe one day, when I wanted to shout "when are you going to get a boyfriend"?

For me it's currently working the other way round!

My OH and I got married in early July and have since started the ttc journey. My parents and sister keep badgering me to go away with them without my husband (he has no holiday left), right in the middle of the month when I obviously don't want to be away. They don't seem to buy any of my (perfectly valid) reasons not to go, so I think I'm just going to have to tell them that in order for us to have a baby, it generally helps if we're in the same county. But then I open myself wide open for the questions, which would be especially annoying as my sister got pregnant in her first month. Meh.

Congrats on your marriage dinodiva!

Just say we're newlyweds, we can't bear to be parted or something else to make them feel sick awkward about pestering you.

We've just celebrated our 3rd anniversary in July - not sure how long you can play the NW card - is 5 years pushing it?...

I know the feeling ive been with my DP for 5 and a half years and started TTC 17 months ago.

My mum was the worst always going on about grandchildren and when I was going to persuade my DP to TTC, I finally told her a couple of months ago that we'd been trying for a while and she felt pretty bad.

My nan is always asking and various other family members on both sides of the family, especially as im always the one who looks after the kiddies and parties and everyone knows I want kids.

The worst was my MIL during a meal out suddenly ask when we were going to have babies (the first time she has ever asked) and id just started getting tests etc to find out what was wrong, I had to try so hard so not cry. Luckily DP stepped in and said he still wasnt ready.

Im only 26 age doesnt make a difference people are just bloody nosey!!

I can relate to this. DH and I have been married 18 months and people are constantly telling us to get a move on or telling us we're next without any consideration. It's just putting us under pressure and making me feel like a bit of a failure, if I'm honest.

Unfortunately people don't seem to put any thought into it, or really believe they're being nice by joking about it with you.

Its really difficult-I let people assume that I hadn't been able to persuade DP that he wanted one (when we were TTC 1) - which was unfair on him (he had been unwilling but changed his mind) - other people assumed I was too career focussed to want one - the reality was that it took a long time and it was hard enough without sympathy

As soon as we got married I had my nieces asking could they babysit our baby when it arrives, the oldest was 9 at the time so I can forgive them for that, though obviously they wouldn't have been babysitting anyway.

The one that really got me though was about 2 years after we married and a few months after we put our flat on the market. I had a week off work ill and when I came back one of my colleagues, in front of everyone else, said he knew why I was off so I could just give them all my good news now. When I said I didn't have any good news he got all huffy with a "fine then don't tell us yet but we all know anyway". I was nearly in tears and for the next few months I was paranoid that they all thought I was pregnant while at the same time being upset that I wasn't.

I can sympathise! It doesn't get any easier either, in fact I think it's worse now we're TTC #2. People are even blunter. I have one particular friend (who has a baby the same age as mine) and the first thing she breathes when I see her is 'are you pregnant yet'. I see her about once a fortnight . She should know better!! I've chosen to cut people off before they ask by throwing in a 'I'm not pregnant comment' into the convo. That way I don't have to be directly asked and I can swiftly change the subject.

Also I wouldn't give up any of the things you enjoy (wine, cheese etc) whilst your TTC. It's hard enough as it is without having to deprive yourself! Each month AF arrives I think I'll console myself with a large glass of wine !