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Original poster

I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.

173 replies

GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:02

On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...

I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.

We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.

His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...

His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)

If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.

I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.

I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.

Any advice would be really great.

:-(

OP posts:
Thrustbadger · 15/09/2013 21:39

I know you haven't and don't want to ask your father for money but your husband wants you to ask him. I'd be really, really, really embarrassed at 28 or even at 18 to ask my dad for money.

Sorry, but I do think its a bit odd that your dh thinks this is acceptable. Even worse that he's effectively blackmailing you to try and get you to do it.

You need to be very clear with your dh that you won't be asking. Just tell him straight that as an adult, married couple you don't feel it's right to be asking your parents for money. If he's accepted a house from his parents that's down to him and his parents. It does not mean that your dad is under any obligation to provide a significant sum of money.

I think your dh is right though that he isn't ready to be a father, he sounds very immature. Prioritising sports cars and holidays over your feelings.

ElBombero · 15/09/2013 21:40

Wait

Thrustbadger · 15/09/2013 21:43

Ah, I missed the last few pages about him being Greek.

You'll just have to tell him that while in his culture it may be normal it isn't normal for you/your dad so your dh will have to lump it.

Lemonandrose · 15/09/2013 21:47

He is not generous, sorry. I think you are clearly in different stages of life. He does not want children now and you do. Really you should have discussed this before you got married but you didn't so you need to discuss in now as a priority.

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/09/2013 22:04

In your op, you say that he won't even consider a baby until your situation is perfect.

Then you say he just wants to wait a few more months.

Depending on which is the case, responses will vary considerably.

VivaLeThrustBadger · 15/09/2013 22:11

I wouldn't be surprised if his story keeps changing. Now its lets wait a few months as he's realised you were upset about waiting till everything was perfect.

In a few months stuff still won't be perfect so he'll put you off a bit more with other excuses.

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 22:25

If he puts it off in 9 months time I guess then is when I question it. I am hopeful that wont happen.

OP posts:
MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 15/09/2013 23:41

Honestly, he will have to get over this idea of things being perfect if there is going to be a baby.

What if the baby isn't perfect, OP? What if you get one that has an illness or a refluxy colicky high needs baby who doesn't sleep through. Will he be saying you need to get up every time as it was your idea to have a baby now.

And if you both want for you to be a SAHM then he must be willing to support his immediate family.
A delay of 6m before TTC is nothing in the long term. The rest of it sounds more of an issue.

boredbuthappy · 16/09/2013 01:06

Your father, his father, his sister...wtf? They have nothing to do with you and your husband starting a family and a life of your own. I really don't mean to be insulting, but you and your husband are in a situation that most people with kids or thinking of having kids can only dream of. You live in another world. Like nother poster has said, a child needs very little in terms of material things. What you provide emotionally in terms of support is far more valuable. If your husband thinks that finances trump all else, I'd be weary.

boredbuthappy · 16/09/2013 01:09

*wary

damned phone

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 16/09/2013 05:40

So I spoke to him tonight. He is adament that my father should 'bring something to the table' in prep for kuds as he has not contributed thus far. I asked him how he feels this is OK, he says that if I had not had his family backing then my father would have helped me out in life, which is probs true.
I spoke about the joint pot idea, his answer was 'hell no! You are terrible with money!' - I am actually terrible with money. He pays for everything, I seem to fritter all if my meagre pay away on not very much! He does currently support me alot and so I can see his point that to bring another person into the mix will be a strain on him.
I asked him about starting a family (we did have this convo before the wedding but it seems to have changed) he now says that he 'pictures himself' with kids but isn't ready right now and can't say when/if he will ever be ready but if that hasn't changed by 33 he will have a baby with me as he knows its what I want and he wants me.
I've been up all night stressing. I know everyone here thinks I should go. I don't know what I want. I want all of this to go away and to be happy with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 16/09/2013 05:42

I really want to talk to my parents about it :-(

OP posts:
Flyer747 · 16/09/2013 06:01

Oh dear I really feel for you. I'm awake with 3rd trimester insomnia!

It sounds pretty similar to my ex and I, he dangled the eventually we will have a baby carrot in my face for ages, I got to 30 and realised it was never going to happen. I grew some balls and left. It's the best thing I did. He is 37 still single and childless, I'm 4 weeks off having my baby with my partner who wanted to start a family with me as much as I did with him.

Think long and hard about what to do here, I wouldn't want you to find yourself 4 years down the line having to make the shall I stay or go decision when the writing was on the wall years ago. Trust me the longer you leave it the harder it will be to leave.

And for what's its worth you sound like a lovely girl who deserves a man who wouldn't even have to think twice about starting a family with you, there is someone out there who'd be honoured for you to have their baby, you just haven't met them yet hun xx

KinkyDorito · 16/09/2013 06:21

Perfection is an unobtainable goal. He needs to realise this before you have children because it would be a hard standard to raise them by.

Get him a copy of Alain De Botton's Status Anxiety and point out that chasing money is a hollow experience. It sounds like he wants you to both be very comfortable, but with the lifestyle that you describe, you already are.

I was like him once. It's not a good way to be. Life throws things at you and all the money in the world is not going to be a buffer for that. It helps to have some money, but, again, it sounds like you already do. Plus, you both have extended families in a comfortable position.

Finally, I wholeheartedly support the idea of you two as a team. All money is family money. There shouldn't be his or hers.

VivaLeThrustBadger · 16/09/2013 06:32

So if you ever had a baby together he'd wnt you to be a sahm, but he wouldn't share money/bank account because you can't be trusted? Okaaaay.

You'd be totally financially dependent on him and having to ask him for everything. He sounds like the sort of person who would begrudge you money, tell you no if he didnt agree with what you wanted the money for, etc.

shoegal84 · 16/09/2013 07:00

I used to be in a relationship not too dissimilar to this one. After a couple of years, I saw the light and left. You are being emotionally blackmailed and the saddest thing is, no matter what people say to you on here, you can't see it as your natural instinct is to defend him.

You are going back to him with objections and he is instantly dismissing them and saying no; not only that but he is convincing you that he is right and you're just being silly.

Unfortunately, however happy you may believe you are now, this is not a good basis for a relationship, let alone a family. It's not until you get out of a relationship like this that you realise how unhappy you were and wish you had left sooner.

Are there any friends you can chat to?

3birthdaybunnies · 16/09/2013 07:02

9 months is nothing at your age, 5yrs is. You admit that you aren't good with money, maybe that is a good starting point, wherever you choose to take your life. Learn to budget, save even if that means that you need to veto some expensive meals out together. If you can't budget you will either get yourself into debt or always need to rely on someone else to bail you out.

You should not be pushed into asking parents for help. We have had money from parents but either as gift or we repay with interest - just less than bank loan, and for essentials like second hand car for dh work.

It may be hard for him to understand if it is not culturally the way for him but he must have learnt enough about British culture to understand that others do things differently - how would he feel if you had refused to accept the money and living on same street as IL due to your culture?

Also you need to look at SIL life as that is what will be expected of you - does she see MIL everyday? Do they have to go round there set times a week? Does MIL always know best? Will your ds have to take grandfather's name? Do you like GF name? I personally couldn't live like that, but maybe you can - do make sure that you think all of these things through as having a baby is a lifelong commitment to the child and to dh's family too - even if you later separate your child will adopt some of their values/ culture.

I don't mean to be too negative, he does seem rather controlling, but you currently seem fairly happy to be controlled. I would focus on these questions before running into it, and certainly wait until the house is finished.

I do understand that ticking clock feeling - had our dc older than you are, but ttc seems to take for ever and once your mind is on that track you see pg women everywhere, but it is worth waiting a little while to be sure about the cultural differences - and who knows once you declare you don't want children with him for at least 2 yrs he might decide that is all he wants. He is used to being in control and might not like you controlling when his children are born.

Fairylea · 16/09/2013 07:40

He doesn't sound remotely interested or keen on having children. Having a baby is the hardest thing you will ever do. You can't do it with someone who is half arsed or only doing it because of you. You will both grow to resent each other immensely.

Lemonandrose · 16/09/2013 07:44

I'm sorry but the only advice I can provide is to think about leaving. Not what you wish to hear but this sounds like a terrible relationship to me.

Please don't think having a baby will solve these issues, it will only open up more and put you in a more difficult situation.

Please discuss this with your parents and get some support about how you move on. He is controlling and that is a very dangerous start to a marriage that is so new.

fortyplus · 16/09/2013 07:56

OP I've thought of the perfect argument for you to present to your dh!!

Getting pregnant in January would result in a September baby. They have all the advantages at school because they're older than the rest of the class. It's even been proven that their GCSE results are better (though no doubt someone with an August-born child will soon be along to tell you about their string of A*s)

Pity your poor child conceived in September - as a summer-born baby your dh should fear for its future having given this dreadful start in life Wink

fortyplus · 16/09/2013 07:58

By the way - did anyone else notice that 'my husband wants to wait' is only a matter of a few months?

Antidote · 16/09/2013 08:16

You know what? Talk to your parents. Be absolutely honest about the situation.

If you were my daughter I would offer you any financial support you needed to divorce his sorry arse and start over again.

Weegiemum · 16/09/2013 09:01

I can't comment on the finances really, only that it seems that not only your in-laws but also your dh want your father to "bring something to the table". Sounds a bit too much like an old-fashioned dowry arrangement to me and that doesn't sit well.

Have you thought of the implications on your future children? Being born into a family where there is so much comparing going on, with older cousins who will have already done most things first, there could be (and given the dynamics, sounds like there would be) a lot of pressure from in-laws and their own father to excel.

And I know it's not a nice thing to think about, but given all this emphasis on achievement and perfection, how would a child with a disability be viewed by him and his family? I've seen this happen in one family I know, with very successful high-flying in laws and they simply refused to acknowledge the child who wasn't, in their eyes, perfect. Very, very sad. The family in that case was Italian, not Greek, though.

Please think very carefully, especially after last night's talk, about where you go from here. I was going to tell you what happened to us, but the details aren't important. Only to say my dh and I have been a partnership through poverty, mental and physical health problems, now permanent disability. It doesn't have to be perfect - it just has to be us, after all, didnt we promise "for better, for worse"?

lotsofcheese · 16/09/2013 09:12

I think there are far bigger issues at play than the timing of having a baby.

It's all about him, isn't it? All on his terms & conditions. As soon as you assert yourself, he "puts you in your place".

OP, he's trampling all over your hopes & dreams! How dare he? Time to get angry.

bakingaddict · 16/09/2013 09:46

Do you think that your DH and his family actually feel that you are good enough for him?

You say that your father spent a lot of money on your wedding yet your ILs still thought it wasn't enough and they expect your father to give you a huge amount of money for you to achieve a lifestyle more like his sister. Seriously I think your days as his wife are conditional on your father giving you this money for a rental property and your marriage will falter and fail once this doesn't happen/materialise.