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Original poster

I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.

173 replies

GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:02

On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...

I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.

We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.

His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...

His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)

If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.

I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.

I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.

Any advice would be really great.

:-(

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/09/2013 19:20

Sorry if I sound harsh but try reading some of the other threads on here if you want a harsh dose of reality. Sad

So your husband wants children but during the, say, 9 months of maternity leave that is unpaid, he doesn't want to lose his lifestyle. He's suggested leeching off your father. You don't want to do that so here are some suggestions:

  • You get promoted / a new job / a new company where you earn more money or get better ML package
  • You save up to cover your full income while you are on ML (I did this)
  • You look into investments that will provide you an alternative income during ML

To be honest though, I think he is using this as an excuse to stall on having children. Not having a full income for less than a year is hardly going to seriously impact on you is it? What's that - 2-3 holidays and keeping your car for a bit longer than usual?

Writerwannabe83 · 15/09/2013 19:20

I really feel for you - it must be so hard when you have come from different backgrounds. It sounds like your husband's family is very wealthy and people from that background sometimes think that everyone else's life is the same and that they all have the same values and beliefs etc.

Does your dad know how unhappy you are feeling? You haven't mentioned your mom, is she around to talk you about how you feel?

Zara1984 · 15/09/2013 19:20

Ok you face a problem here that your DH and his family are massively disconnected from reality.

You can tell your husband "I don't expect my father to give me money and he wouldn't even if I asked. Why does that matter?"

If he loses the plot and can't understand why it DOESN'T matter you have a fundamental problem with your relationship.

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/09/2013 19:20

So until daddy coughs up, you don't get a baby?

Wow.

justkeepplodding · 15/09/2013 19:21

someone else asked the same upthread - surely if you are only able to have a deposit for the property you buy surely you will have to get a mortgage to be able to buy somewhere. Therfore won't any rental income be used to pay the mortgage off each month? Or have I got it completely wrong and you mean you and your dh want your father to BUY you a property to rent out?

Helpyourself · 15/09/2013 19:22

We earn the money to keep the house
For 99% of the world what you describe, the money for holidays and cars is what we occasionally treat ourselves to after we've paid for the house. Did you wonder what strings were attached when you accepted all this largesse?
If for some reason I woke up in this situation, as it sounds like you are starting to do, I'd run for the hills.

Bowlersarm · 15/09/2013 19:22

Your father shouldn't contribute to your life now you are an adult of 28! Unless he specifically wants to.

For goodness sake. Tell your husband you are now a married woman. It's not up to your father to look after you financially. You and your husband are a partnership now. If your father wants to help you then great. BUT DO NOT EXPECT IT.

Zara1984 · 15/09/2013 19:22

Long story short what your DH is expecting is not normal, OP.

nooka · 15/09/2013 19:23

Georgie, have you and your dh not saved anything in the last 10 years? It sounds as if his family doesn't really want him to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. Not that you can say that to his parents obviously!

I can see that you are in a difficult position because of his parents odd ideas about how things should be, and consequently your dh's feeling that everything should be handed to him on a plate. Can you really not just say to him that you will not under any circumstances be asking your father for another house for you to live off?

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:30

Ok in answer to questions...

  • My husband has said he will pay the mortgage on a rental property if I can get the deposit sorted. (I don't earn anyway near enought to sort the deposit myself in such a short period of time so would involve my father - not comfortable about doing that) I would then take all income from the rental so I don't feel like I was having handouts from husband.
  • I've not spoken to my dad about it. I know he would be mortified if he knew my husbands family resent him.
  • Can not talk to mum about it AT ALL. She and my dad are divorced and she is in a terrible financial situation so it would really upset her. My husband gives her money to help with her situation.
OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/09/2013 19:32

Your husband gives your mum money to help her, yet he wants you to take money off your dad to finance having a baby?

It all sounds very peculiar....

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:34

Nooka, we have saved money for the past 4 years to build a house of our own, which we are currently doing. My husband project manages it on top if his full time job. It's very stressful and time consuming and partly why when I bring up starting a family the whole thing sounds overwhelming to him

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 15/09/2013 19:35

Ok, so your husband is definitely not all bad......just slightly weird!

It's great that he helps your mum, it's great that he'd pay the mortgage and you have the rental income, but you really need to try and change his skewed viewpoint on financial set ups so that you could just have shared finances (and accept that he's not in competition with his sister).

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:36

Writerwannabe - it's about my dad contributing, not the money. His fam can't understand why he hasn't contributed when they have given us so much. They are just very different families like I have already said.

OP posts:
alwaysneedaholiday · 15/09/2013 19:36

If you had millions in the bank would you sit back and watch your kids scrimp together for a deposit and mortgage?

My parents and in-laws have millions in the bank, but they want us to live our lives according to our achievements, not theirs.

We had expensive childhoods, but whether we can afford that for our children remains to be seen. I don't want their money so that I am rich just for the sake of being rich.

If I were you, I would have your children whenever you decide between the two of you (early next year or Sept isn't worth a huge row?), and live your lives however you can afford to.

You are going to have a whole heap of trouble with in-laws whatever you do - from the sound of it, they will never approve unless you do things their way. Just have a look at the MIL and SIL threads!!

kitsmummy · 15/09/2013 19:36

So you're building a house in addition to the one your inlaws gave you?

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:38

He's anything but bad. I said it earlier - he'd so incredibly generous. He just has warped expectations. I think changing our financial setup and suggesting just one joint pot may be the first step actually. Good idea.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/09/2013 19:39

Well you have my sympathies Georgie, it sounds like you are stuck in the middle of a really horrible situation. I guess this is the downside to being amongst lots of money, they do say it is the root of evil.

Stand by our own beliefs and don't ask your dad for the money. You were bought up better than that and don't let your husbands family make you change who you are as a person x

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:41

Thanks Writerwannabe!

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 15/09/2013 19:42

If you want to quit work and be a SAHM then you definately need the blessing of your partner and it doesnt sound like he wants to support that decision. Thats fair enough as he should have a say but he shouldnt expect your father to support your choice either given you are a grown adult.

For the sake of maintaining independence should the relationship go sour or something happen to him or his health it is worth looking at staying in work and maybe just cut your hours down a little.

MerryMarigold · 15/09/2013 19:46

I think a joint pot is a good idea. Also, you have to deal with the odd dynamics with his sister, all the comparing that goes on. Don't make that pass to the next generation where the children are being compared, even if it is in an effort to make things equal, it is really destructive because its still comparing. It could get really with the next generation.

bamboostalks · 15/09/2013 19:46

Do you think you're dad is reluctant as he wants to see how the marriage pans out rather an drop money into the situation. Hope this is not a rude question but are you Greek?

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:48

Thanks everyone for the advice on here! (Never done this before)
I think maybe I'm over reacting re:the scale of things. I want to start trying for a baby in Jan, he wants to wait till Sept - I'm sure we can meet in the middle but either way in the grand sceme of things it's not long to wait I guess.
I'm always going to have to deal with the inlaws, whom I love very much and am grateful for (even if their ideals are not necessarily my own)
I am going to talk to my dad, just so I have a bit of support outside if my marital family. I will not be asking him for money.
I will speak to my husband and suggest joining up finances next year in prep for the future family.
Next year the house will be built and I will have sorted out the financial situation and we will be in the best position to bring a baby into the world.

OP posts:
eurochick · 15/09/2013 19:49

It really does all sound very odd. I think he actually needs to cut the apron strings and start living his own life, independent of his parents, their money and their expectations.

As other posters have said, you are no doubt far from the only poster on this thread whose parents are "comfortable" and beyond, but this situation is not common. His parents' money and expectations are affecting your life choices. Not good.

FWIW, my parents are comfortable but were always keen that I should stand on my own two feet and so other than a few small loans during higher education (quickly repaid) have left me to be financially independent.

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:51

Bamboostalks - Ha! Yes, he is Greek! (I'm not!) it's a typical Greek family mentality this financial thing! The house we are building is on the same road as MIL and SIL! God help me!
My dad LOVES my husband. That's why I know how upset he would be if I told him how the inlaws feel!

OP posts:
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