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Original poster

I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.

173 replies

GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:02

On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...

I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.

We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.

His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...

His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)

If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.

I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.

I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.

Any advice would be really great.

:-(

OP posts:
RoadToTuapeka · 15/09/2013 19:53

I agree with others that your husband sounds selfish. Marriage should be a partnership and be about your situation/ideals etc not a match race with a partner's sister.
He sounds ridiculous; you have to earn an income to support yourself and be a sahm? Well if he/you really think that through shouldn't he pay you a salary to be the nanny/childminder/whatever to look after the children? Are you his employee or his wife?

If you step back, think of this situation as if you were a friend, and read some of the helpful comments above, you might see that you are not in a good position. Husband sounds like an idiot or worse, likely to be financially and emotionally abusive.

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 19:53

I agree that the situation is odd. But it's not odd in Greek families?

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 15/09/2013 20:00

Ok. There's obviously a big cultural thing that's beyond my frame of reference so I won't comment on the financial situation.

I would just say that if you and your dh are the same age, be aware that it's fairly common for men to be "ready" for children later than women. That's ok if you're younger than your partner but less so if there's no age gap (or you're older).

You say he's put a time frame on things, all I'd say is if this time frame starts to slip and slip then making sure that he's realistic about female fertility limitations is wise.

I had ds1 at 34 and ds2 at 40 (although the gap was partly down to secondary infertility). Both times I had to spell out the hard facts about the risk of waiting much longer to start /increase our family. Given the problems we had ttc ds2 I'm glad I did.

MissStrawberry · 15/09/2013 20:02

You need go sort a lot of things out before you have a baby. Who buys the nappies, what you do for money for you while not working. Who pays for the bills and food. Babies are very expensive!

MortifiedAdams · 15/09/2013 20:03

Er........why cant you still work and have a baby?

Or.....his.parents can gift him.some houses so he can stay at home while you work?

Writerwannabe83 · 15/09/2013 20:05

I have just finished reading a book about an English woman who met a man whilst on holiday on Greece and decided to move there and be with him. It was really good and focused around how much she struggled to adapt to the Greek Way of Life in terms of how the family unit is viewed and how co-dependent they all are. She wanted her and her fiancée to have their own house, be away from the clutches and expectations of his family etc whereas to him, the way in which they were living was completely the norm and he couldn't understand why she wouldn't want such heavy family involvement. It was really good at showing different cultural views and expectations when it comes to family life.

I know the book has nothing to do with your situation but it has helped me understand it a bit more now I know your husband is from a Greek background.

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 20:11

What was the book Writerwannabe? I'd like to read it! Maybe it would feel like support?

OP posts:
bamboostalks · 15/09/2013 20:12

I just knew that there was Greek connection there. It's a culture I know well. Your dh's family cannot expect your dad to bow to their ideals. Definitely do not ask your dad for cash, it's grabby and could damage your relationship with your dad. Be clear with your dh that it is never going to happen. Truly though, as you said yourself, 9 months is nowt. Is your new house in both of your names?

RaRaZ · 15/09/2013 20:13

Umm... I don't want to be rude and this may have already been covered as I've missed two pages of this thread, but are you comfortable with this competitive, incredibly materialistic lifestyle, OP? Cos it doesn't sound like it. I mean, I'm biased because I wouldn't want to live like that, but it sounds as though you're trapped and controlled by money. I think your husband needs to take a step back and see that there's more to life than expensive cars and holidays.

wispaxmas · 15/09/2013 20:15

I don't understand how you would be financially independent if you have an investment property other a mortgage that your husband pays. Surely that's just a roundabout way of him paying you money every month?

And as for the stuff about not asking for money from parents but being given loads, H and I have both been lucky enough to have generous parents who have given up money towards wedding and house deposit, so I don't think there's anything wrong with accepting that, it's the idea that it should be expected. What your husbands family thinks shouldn't matter, but the fact that your husband thinks the same way does. Obviously you need to have a frank conversation with him about why you will not ask your dad for money.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/09/2013 20:16

Georgie - I downloaded it on my Kindle, I will log onto my Amazon account and back-track through my history and see if I can find it Smile

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 20:17

Yes it's all joint ownership, but honestly, I have been with my husband for 10 yrs, we grew up together, we have been through some really shitty times. I KNOW this is forever. This is a blip and this thread has helped me put things into context. I can wait for him. I don't want to force something on him before he is ready, and as we are the same age, I know it's going to take him a little longer to get there. Next year will be our year and it will be worth the wait. :-)

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/09/2013 20:20

It is called The Butterfly Storm by Kate Frost.

It isn't like your situation, as the family are not wealthy, but it gave me a good view of what family life is like within a Greek family and how sometimes it isn't always easy for man to stand up to his parents or break free in that culture.

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 20:28

Thanks Writerwannabe!

OP posts:
Fairylea · 15/09/2013 20:29

Just because you have been together 10 years and "grew up together" doesn't mean anything in the context of having children together. It really is a bit like throwing a grenade (albeit a lovely one) into your relationship. Everything that went before is absolutely tested to the limit, this money issue will become a massive elephant in the room, amplified by a screaming demanding baby.

TiredyCustards · 15/09/2013 20:31

So, if the mortgage on this rental property is say, £800, and it brings in, say, £800 in rent, then you, as a family are up £0 per month?

Bizarre, op!

MissStrawberry · 15/09/2013 20:37

A blip??

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 20:47

Well £0 up over the terms of a mortgage but with a nice 200K sat ready to use later if needed! But that's irrelevant if you'd read further back as it ain't happening.
I see loads of people who don't seem happy in their marriages, we are not one of them, I know everyone here is finding this situation really alien, but its normal in a Greek family to be one extended unit and to live together, share finances etc.
We will have a baby and it will be lucky to have such an abundance of close relatives with different heritages. Just got to get over this hurdle. (Not blip)

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 15/09/2013 20:51

OP could you please answer the questions I asled upthread?

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 20:53

I can go back to work, and I might. But nice to have the option.
Husband could not give up work. He earns more money. We rely on his income.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 15/09/2013 20:55

YOU called it a blip!

Original poster
GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 20:56

MissStrawberry. I know. Bad choice of words. It's a hurdle.

OP posts:
rockstars12 · 15/09/2013 21:10

I'm suprised his parents aren't asking where their grandchildren are?! As they seem a big part of your lives, I'm curious to know where they stand on the baby making matter?

MadonnaKebab · 15/09/2013 21:19

So he pays the mortgage on the rental property and you get the rent

OK there may be some tax advantage to this, I wouldn't know

But there is no more indepence in this for you than if he supported you directly

I think it is a charade to appease his parents expectations that you should be indepedently wealth
And set up to look (on the surface)identical to his sisters financial set-up

He sounds to me like a guy who means well but is far,far too concerned about what his family think

And that his family have very high expectations about what your lives should be

EachAndEveryHighway · 15/09/2013 21:28

He should spare a thought for how harsh life in Greece is these days for normal people, get his priorities right and think bollocks to the sports cars, the swish holidays and private schools, what's important is to love and be loved (unconditionally) by those closest around him and enjoy good health. The rest can all take a running jump.

It saddens me that his priorities are so wrong, when he must be aware of the suffering of his fellow country-people.