I'm ready for a flaming but just spent the last few hours sobbing and I need to talk.

[internationallove985]

I have decided not to name change here for the simple reason you will know it's me by my post and if you're going to flame me or say "Well I told you so", it may as well be the real me. I have posted here rather chat because I have opened up to more people on the conceptions threads.

Most of you know my situation for those that don't I have been sleeping with a guy for the past 2 months in the hopes of getting pregnant. I usual see him on Wednesday day time and Fri evening but I couldn't see him today so we arranged to see each other tonight... Anyway he got to mine for about 9.30.
We went straight upstairs. Sorry if what I say next is T.M.I but I gave him oral and yes rightly or wrongly expected it back but just as he was about to cum he pushed me down on the bed and dtd (with no foreplay) and came in less than a minute got up got dressed and said "I'm going now". I feel so used. I might as well be honest it felt a bit uncomfortable and I bled a little. The only time I've ever bled after sex is when I lsot my virginity.
I know I've been allowing myself to get used. I have never felt emotive after sex but I have just spent the past few hours sobbing. I'm in no way trying to cry rape as that was not the case at all, not once did I struggle or say no, but a little consideration would not have gone a miss. I just couldn't believe the change in him.
He is going away tommorow for a few weeks which now I am glad about as it will give me time to think. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew how he'd made me feel, do I tell him I feel used or do I just put it down to a quickie and rough sex. xx

[DoctorAnge]

OP I hope you are OK.

Some of the posts on here are disgusting. The implication seems to be that because the OP has questionable morals she should just have to deal with being roughly penetrated when she isn't ready .
Of course not all men are evil! Most men wouldn't shove their penis into a woman who wasn't sufficiently ready and make her bleed and hurt her.
What planet are those of you from who condone this and what kind of guys are you used to?!

[fifi669]

She felt physically uncomfortable, that's different to hurt her. She felt used because he didn't go down on her, left quickly after, had little consideration for her, thats why she cried. Though they were meant to be FWB she may be hoping for more. It's all above. The OP has said it herself.

I agree it's not the nicest sexual experience. But that doesn't make it rape.

I spoke to my DP about this. He thinks people here seem to be living in wonderland with little concept of reality.

Speak to your DP's. let them read this. See what they think.

[Writerwannabe83]

Quote from Original Poster:

"I'm in no way trying to cry rape as that was not the case at all, not once did I struggle or say no, but a little consideration would not have gone a miss."

How is this rape??

If I was the OP I'd be banging my head against the wall. She must be frustrated that everyone is putting the words 'rapist' in her mouth, I know I would be.

Two things have either happened:

The OP has wrote down her account of what happened and it reads much worse than it actually was. This could explain why OP (who was actually there) knows and says it wasn't rape, but why people who read her post still believe differently.

Or : she was raped/assaulted but either genuinely doesn't realise it or she wants to pretend she wasn't.

Only she knows that and our speculations won't change anything.

[runningforthebusinheels]

For crying out loud. You don't need to struggle and say no to make it rape. The man has to ensure consent. Check the law.

[DoctorAnge]

Fifi what the fuck has your DP got to do with this?

[fifi669]

The same as any of us do! I asked his opinion. He thinks you're all nuts!

The FWB did get consent and it was never withdrawn. The don't have to say no or struggle etc thing is for people incapable of consent eg off their faces drunk.

If women don't have to communicate they don't want something to happen, all men are rapists.

Start sexy time with your DPs.... Don't tell him or show him you aren't consenting. Then tell him he raped you. Then see how ridiculous you're being.

[MrsHoarder]

fifi: for starters the OP said she wasn't raped.

However not saying no isn't the same as giving a yes. Consent is a positive thing: and it can be in the form of enthusiastic response or spoken, and if these don't happen then yes there is a risk that a person could unthinkingly rape their partner.

Of course if your DP doesn't know the difference between something you want to continue and something you don't, I would like to suggest you are doing it wrong. Your DP should rather notice if you aren't enthusiastically "consenting".

[runningforthebusinheels]

Fifi, you tell your dp from me that if he starts sexy time with a woman, then suddenly pushes her down on the bed, and proceeds with a sexual act that hurts her, makes her bleed and leaves her sobbing for hours, he may very well end up on a charge of sexual assault.

[runningforthebusinheels]

The don't have to say no or struggle etc thing is for people incapable of consent eg off their faces drunk.

It's not.

[chipmonkey]

fifi, so we need to get a bunch of men to get a "correct opinion". Because we wimmin can't do that on our own.

[KateSMumsnet]

@fifi669

It's not! Stop dramatising! They were engaging in sexual activity, she expected a bit of attention back but he skipped that and went to sex. She felt used because of this. That's all. OP is not scared of him. She did not say or suggest in any way that the activity was going in a way she didn't want. It's not normal to ask for permission between sexual activities, it's natural to progress. I know what sexual assault/rape is, I've read MNHQ WBY. This isn't relevant.

It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, with obvious lack of communication. It's car crash stuff, but it's her business.

OP says.... And I'll point this out again. She was not raped or sexually assaulted. She is not scared if him, he's not violent.

We're glad to see you read WBY, fifi669.

We'd just like to point out that your points about initial consent, violence and being scared are, we think, very relevant. Please have another look at our rape myths busted page

[fifi669]

Reread and my thoughts are the same. It states that she can withdraw her consent anytime. Which she didn't. End of. OP says she wasn't raped/assaulted/abused.

[RaRaZ]

Fair point OBM . However, I totally see where Fifi is coming from, and I too cannot see the relevance of the WBY page in this case. It also seems that a huge onus is being put on the man here when we are discussing an act with two parties. Surely the woman has some responsibility too? Like to say if she doesn't like something?

[runningforthebusinheels]

fifi, you are very mistaken about the nature of consent and the law. A person can indeed withdraw their consent at any time during sex. You may think that her not struggling or saying no means she wasn't assaulted. You may think that because the op thinks she wasn't assaulted means she wasn't assaulted. But you're wrong - many women are in denial about rape and sexual assault for years.

However, the relevant point here is that the man must reasonably believe the woman is consenting before and throughout sex. If a man is getting a blow job, and as I said before, suddenly throws you down on the bed and performs a sex act on you that leaves you hurt, bleeding and sobbing for hours - then it is assault.

OP - I sincerely hope that you never see this man again.

[FoxMulder]

It seems to me that you consent with your body language. And if you don't know your partner well enough to read their body language, then you ask.

[DoctorAnge]

Here here fox

[valiumredhead]

Fifi,I spoke to my Dh and he's thinks any bloke who makes a woman bleed through rough sex when he doesn't know her well enough to know if she'll enjoy it is on very dangerous ground. And he also questions the motives of anyone who would enjoy it when the woman is clearly not enjoying it.

[fifi669]

He said she cried afterwards not because of the sex, but because of feeling used. That he didn't show consideration by not performing oral and leaving straight away. The two things are very different.

I'm not vs MN there's many that agree with me if you read through. The OP herself being one!

By the sounds of what she said he prob didn't have much time to appreciate whether she was enjoying it as much as him, as just before he came they had sex.

They've been sexual partners for a couple of months and we have no idea what kind of stuff they get up to. I can only suggest the lack of foreplay was the reason for the uncomfortableness/bleeding.

I in no way think rape or any kind of sexual assault is ok. When a woman says no she means no, if she pushes a man away, turns away etc at any point, she has withdrawn her consent and that's that. That isn't what occurred here.

OP has spoke to him since, he didn't realise he'd made her feel bad and they plan to meet when he's back off his holiday. He could be the biggest weirdo in the world, but from what OP has said he's just a selfish liver, not a rapist.

[fifi669]

Lover.... Stupid phone.

[Writerwannabe83]

What signs did she give him then that she had 'withdrawn her consent' ??

[Writerwannabe83]

What signs did she give then that you think he decided to ignore?

[tabycat]

I completely agree with you fifi.
I can't believe someone actually suggested a man is to verbally check during sex that the woman is still consenting!

And no-one has to explain to me the law on rape, sexual assault or consent as I work in criminal law queue bitchy comments about what a crap lawyer i am.