The BESH Old Skool Gin Palais: if you're name's not down, you're not coming in

[FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn]

Cream walls? Check
Pit of Doom? Check
Obscene amount of gin in well stocked bar? Check

The BESH Gin Palais is open to those who fit our demanding criteria. Seek out the BESHtionnaire and prove yourselves worthy - under 30s and instadiffers will be escorted from the premises

Tsk.

1. Do you like gin? No, I prefer spunk.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar? I'm 39, go figure.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Can I pretend I have a Mary Delusion and say 'none of the above'?

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

None of the above; I would tell them to look at the dots on their temperature chart. Do they spell out 'P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T'? No? Then don't waste 32p

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

c) The protagonist of my sexual fantasies

6. Number of pets? Two black cats (see? I am a hag)

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame? Stephen Hawkins

8. Lesbian crush? Nick Grimshaw

9. What are your views on camping? Panoramic

10. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

I don't. I have a colostomy bag.

Finally, tell us how you found the BESH and why you'd like to join us pliz.

I found the BESH whilst searching for a thread where women were not boring each other to death

I would like to point out that the superfluous apostrophe in your thread title is bothersome to me, however, it is testament to the niceness of you all that I am choosing to overlook it

On a serious note I am sorry for the sadness suffered on your last thread.

I laughed twice and raised my eyebrows twice (the second time at the risky boldness at mentioning the apostrophe). But on balance I am diverted enough to give you a whirl

Ooh! Channel flicking has led me to some bizarre 80s radio station playing Mel & Kim. Well I never did.

Thank you Northey (I think). What caused the first instance of eyebrow-raising?

"..tay..tay..tay..tay..t-t-t-t-t..tay..tay.."

Twink I'm going to take some time in May. I've got no chance before then - deadline in mid-April, then another work trip to the US, then operation headbump removal and possibly a second IVF cycle, then holiday. It seems a looooooooong way off.

Eyes as far as I am concerned, you're in. Although I had somehow managed not to notice the apostraphe and now it is going to Bother Me.

The R2D2 wrongness. And it is deeply, deeply wrong.

Not as wrong as Chewbacca.

Is he the big bear thing? I could kind of get on board there.

Yes, he's the hirsute one who sounds as though he's caught his cock in his zip.

KFZK does a great Chewy impression. He doesn't even need to catch himself in a zip to manage it.

I think I like you eyes although personally I've never been a fan of swallowing spunk, ever since I gave a blow job to a boy 14 years ago and he shot about a pints worth rather prematurely into me without asking and it tasted quite honestly vile. Bastard didn't even apologise. I nearly puked. Then he laughed at me cuz I swallowed it. I couldn't get rid of the taste for days, despite copious amounts of coke and pic n mix. MATV is aware of this being the reason and bless him has only ever asked once.

Apologies for the massive over share hags but after 14 years it's actually quite good to get that off my chest, I feel like I can move on now.

So....in conclusion, welcome eyes!

Twink, I'm hoping we can move on from this sometime soon, everything is really good, I think he forgets that actually I do just like sex, it's not always about making a baby. He gave me a mercy shag earlier and seemed quite pleased with himself for performing well so I'm hoping that it might kick start him again, although I said that three weeks ago when we last DTD

Euro, do you have chocolate with you? I think if I was forced to work as much as you do I'd be expecting a massive fuck off bonus, what bastards.

everything else*

Howling with laughter at the coke and pick n mix detail there!

Raspberry, thank you for the welcome. I guess I have learned to like spunk after so many years of resolutely refusing to have the stuff anywhere near my bedding or curtains

By-the-way, if this were a Spice Girls thread I think you would be Sporty. EvilGiraffe would be Scary and Captain would be Posh. I'm unsure whether anyone here is ginger or babyish.

Is that cuz I come across as a slight chav? He wasn't a boy if just met ya'know. Id known him at least three days :/ or was it the pic n mix? I was addicted to that stuff through my late teens. In fact it was one of the first things me and MATV did, Think we spent about £10! Grim
.

Hello eyes. You sound pretty ESH-like and it sounds like you're in. I am Faith. Was a BESH but finally got diffed and now am not far from dropping. I still lurk in these parts.

Jeepers euro but you need a break! You must be running on empty?! Book that holiday!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

A story from the land of show business: at one gig, posh was late back on stage after a costume change. She was due on in a very tight LBD, and had neglected to put on her knickers. On enquiry at her dressing room door, she yelled to the stage hand "I'm just shavin' me graahler!". It seems her pubes were all sticking through the dress.
Growler is a particularly winning term, I think.

Bugs, that's shit about the follies, I'm sorry. Have they turned into cysts because your dosage was too high?

Actually, I prefer Spunk as a nickname; Eyes is a bit creepy. Hello, Faith, congratulations on your pregnancy. Can I ask how long you had been trying to conceive before you hit the jackpot?

Captain, are you Sir Trevor Nunn?

Spunk - yes. Yes I am.
*rumbled

Aw bugs that's crap :(

eyes 'twas 2 years 8 months. We had reversible male factor ishoos. Took a long time to get to the bottom of why we weren't winning a baybee - had a year TTC, then a year of tests, then 8 months after he started treatment I got diffed.

Scary Spice? Me? I had no idea I was that intimidating [bushock]

I say Spunk is in. Though it is rather risqué to point out the apostrophe error when I assume your crush of shame is in fact Stephen Hawking? (unless I'm just clueless and Stephen Hawkins is a real man)

We have just been out and bought a new kettle and had noodles in our favourite noodle place. The weepiness has subsided quite a bit :)

I say spunk is in, though if we're being pedantic, Nick Grimshaw is not a lesbian crush. Hi SpunkyMonkey, nice to meet you.

I looked like Chewbacca today before I took my razor to myself. I swear I am abnormally hairy -surely not everyone has this much?

HWCA made me snigger this evening - he came home from the supermarket with pick and mix and a can of diet coke for me! Looks like I'm on a promise tonight...

rasp & draf glad the day has picked up for you both. euro you finished working yet? Hope a good dinner awaits you. bugs your ovaries are being dickheads. You poor thing. Here, let me drape you in the Seabass of Sympathy.

Argh! Draf! I knew it looked a bit wrong when I typed it.

Hello, Twinkly...but Nick Grimshaw is a lesbian, surely?

My husband has just returned from the shop with a copy of Hostel II on DVD. I can only assume he's forgotten it's Date Night..